Today's silly & clean joke of the day

[Matt the Shrimp]

Two monkeys in the zoo are running a bath.

One monkey says "oooo oooohhh aaa aaaahhhhh"

His mate looks at him and says........




"Put some more cold water in it, you fool, if it's too hot!"

 

[canveyshrimper]

Not quite so clean, but it makes me chuckle.

Two skinheads talking to each other, the first one says "What would you do if a bird crapped on your head"

To which his mate responded "I doubt if i would go out with her again"

Thank you & good night.

 

[* ORM *]

Both these jokes have ORM's seal of approval. I feel my team are going to get the benefit of them tomorrow, whether they like it or not.

 

[Mad Cyril]

Essex police arrested two men yesterday. One on suspicion of drinking battery acid and the other on suspicion of eating fireworks.

In a subsequent statement a spokesman said that the police had charged one of the men and let the other one off.

 

[GNH]

2 goldfish are in a new tank, one turns to the other and says you man the guns and i'll drive

 

[SUFCFARAWAY]

Man walks into a bar

Ouch!


I won't be back.

 

[Voodoo Blue]

I went to the local curry house last night, i had a chicken Tarka, It was a bit like a chicken tikka but otter.

rak rak

 

[C C Csiders]

Man walks into a butcher shop and says "can I have half-a-pound of kidley please"

The butcher replies "kidley, don't you mean kidney"

The man replies "that's what I said diddle-I"

Guffaw, guffaw

 

[canveyshrimper]

Man walks into a pub, and says "Pint of bitter please"

Barman "Whibread"

Man "Yes please, 2 slices"

Come on it is Friday.

 

[SUFCFARAWAY]

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." "But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."


I'm here all week!

 

[SUFCFARAWAY]

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the
Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English
are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your
stiff upper lips make your above the rest of us. Look at me...I'm me,
I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some
Swedish blood. What do you say to that?" So the Englishman replied,
"Very sporting of your mother."

 

[canveyshrimper]

A man wakes up in hospital after an operation, and begins to panic.

"Doctor, I can't feel my legs"

"Not surprised" said the medico "We've amputated your arms"

Thank you, you have been a fantastic audience.

 

[Sandbach Shrimper]

All good.

 

[W4 Shrimper]

I was bitten on the backside by a German Shepherd the other day.

But he was very apologetic and even introduced me to his dog.

 

[Guest]

Some good jokes there. Keep it up people!

 

[Guest]

Quality jokes!

I went to Bobs pub in Stepney yesterday. They sold beer...

 

[C C Csiders]

Bill and Ben are in the garden. Bill turns to Ben and says "Flobba dobba dob. Oooooh flobba"

Ben replies "Shut up Bill, you're pi$$ed"

I than' you.

 

[C C Csiders]

I was in a shop yesterday when I blind man walked into the shop with his guide dog. He immediately picked the guide dog up by the lead and started swinging the dog above his head like a helicopter rotar blade.

The shop assistant walked up to the blind man and said "can I help you, sir?"

To which the blind man replied "No, it's alright. I'm just having a look round."

 

[canveyshrimper]

A ghost goes into a pub, and says to the barmaid "Large scotch please"

To which she says "I am sorry but we don't serve spirits here"

 

[C C Csiders]

Four British serviceman are captured by insurgents in Iraq. One is English, one is Welsh, one is Scottish and one is from Northern Ireland. The lead Iraqi insurgent informs them that they are all going to be executed; but they all have one final request that will be granted to them.

The Iraqi starts with the Scottish soldier and asks him what his final request will be, before being put to death. The Scotsman replies "I want 100 bagpipes to play Flower of Scotland and Scotland the Brave for me".

The soldier from Northern Ireland is asked what he would like, before execution, and he replies "I would like Danny Boy to be played for me, to include a harp and Uileann pipe solo".

The Welsh soldier is asked by the Iraqi what he would like as his final request prior to execution, and the Welshman replies "I would like a Welsh male voice choir to sing Men of Harlech and Land of my Fathers to me, please"

Finally, the Iraqi turns to the Englishman, and asks for his final request, to which the Englishman replies "can you kill me first!"