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Thread: Your Jokes,strictly for the Pub only.

  
  1. #1

    Default Your Jokes,strictly for the Pub only.

    A Boy walks into his parents bedroom and see's his dad having sex with his mum.
    ''What are you doing ?''
    ''Making you a brother or sister!'' His dad replies.
    ''Do her doggy style, I want a puppy.''




    Joe is on his last day at work as a postman.
    He receives many thank-you cards and monetary gifts along his route.
    When he gets to the very last house, he is greeted by a gorgeous housewife, who invites him in for lunch. Joe happily accepts. After lunch, the woman invites him up to the bedroom for some 'desert.' Joe happily accepts again. When they are done, the woman gives him a pound.
    Joe asks what the pound is all about.
    The woman replies: "It was my husband's suggestion. When I told him that it was your last day at work and we should buy you a gift, he said, 'F**k him -- give him a pound.' The lunch was my idea."






    A Husband always insisted on making love in the dark.
    After 20 years the wife turns on the light, finds him holding his strap-on.
    She goes balistic, "You impotent *******! How could you lie to me all these years?"
    Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."






    Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the end of his willy by a rattlesnake.
    "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says.
    He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby.
    "I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do: take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, give it your best sucking for 5-10 minutes and spit out the poison."
    The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony.
    "What did the doctor say?" the victim asks.
    "He says you're gonna die."

  2. #2
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    Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
    "Happy birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy birthday."
    I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
    My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

    As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
    "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy birthday!"
    It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
    I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
    We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
    She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
    We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
    On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
    I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
    She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
    After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
    "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
    "Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
    Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
    And I just sat there...
    On the couch...
    Sobbing...
    Naked...
    and erect.
    Quote Originally Posted by southchurch View Post
    Ron has worked his socks off over many years and had many a sleepless night in his heroic attempt to keep this club afloat

  3. #3
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    While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.
    "Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny.
    "Nope," replied Jimmy.
    "Well, did you get it for Christmas then?"
    Again Jimmy says, "Nope."
    "You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny.
    "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mum and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were shagging. Dad gave me a right bollocking, but then apologized by giving me this watch."

    Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea and hatched a plan to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the mattress springs. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.
    His father, caught in mid-stroke, turned and said angrily, "What do you want now?"
    "I wanna watch," Johnny replied.

    Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Get yourself a chair, but keep quiet."
    Quote Originally Posted by southchurch View Post
    Ron has worked his socks off over many years and had many a sleepless night in his heroic attempt to keep this club afloat

  4. #4
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    Just had a water fight over the park with a bunch of local kids.

    I won!

    No one's a match for me and my kettle.
    Quote Originally Posted by southchurch View Post
    Ron has worked his socks off over many years and had many a sleepless night in his heroic attempt to keep this club afloat

  5. #5
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    I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

    Unbelievable what some people are into.
    Quote Originally Posted by southchurch View Post
    Ron has worked his socks off over many years and had many a sleepless night in his heroic attempt to keep this club afloat

  6. #6

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    This beautiful young woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

    He tells her to take off her leggings, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

    "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

    "Yes, checking for abnormalities in my legs." she replies.

    He tells her to take off her T-Shirt and Bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins feeling and rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, you're checking for lumps."

    Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

    ''Yes.'' she replies, "getting Herpies and Gonorrhoea........ that's why I'm here!"

  7. #7

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    Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

    Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

    "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

    "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

  8. #8

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    A stranger was seated next to a blonde on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, ''Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger.''
    The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger,
    - ''What would you like to talk about?''
    - ''Oh, I don't know,'' said the stranger. ''How about Nuclear Power?'' and he smiles.
    - ''OK,'
    ' she said. ''That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
    A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?''
    The stranger, visibly surprised by the blonde's intelligence, thinks about it and says,
    - ''Hmmm, I have no idea....''
    To which the blonde replies,
    - ''Do you really feel qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know sh*t?''











    A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room.
    Finally one morning he goes to his mum and says, "Mummy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look through the keyhole, you're bouncing up and down on him."
    His mum is taken by surprise and says, "Oh.. well.. ah.. well, I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's getting fat, so I'm getting the air out and that makes him thin again."
    And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!"
    "Why?" said his mum.
    And the boy replies, "Because when you go to your dance class, the lady next door comes in and blows him back up again......."
    Last edited by THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK; 26-08-2009 at 01:45 PM.

  9. #9

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    A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.
    When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
    "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
    "Actually, no" the man replies. "Can you get him for me?" she asks. "I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
    "I'm afraid I can't", breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
    "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
    "Tell him", she whispers, "There's no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies toilet."








    A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting. "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.
    He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.
    "The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index finger.''

  10. #10

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    A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a the Tube subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and
    began reading.
    After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
    "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man."
    "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
    The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
    "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
    "Oh,I don't have it, Father, I was just reading that the Pope does...."

  11. #11
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    I went to one of those celebrity poker tournaments last night, it was quite surreal...

    Peter Andre lost out on a big pair.
    Randy Jackson was sad to lose on Jacks n 5.
    Steven Gerrard was waiting for a flush, but was then let off with a dodgy suit.
    Ray Mears made a killing on the river,
    after Hugh Hefner went all in pre-flop.
    Kerry Katona gave all her money to the dealer.
    Prince Charles got the wrong queen.
    And finally Jeremy Beadle had a rubbish hand all night.
    Quote Originally Posted by southchurch View Post
    Ron has worked his socks off over many years and had many a sleepless night in his heroic attempt to keep this club afloat

  12. #12
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    I tried to give blood the other day, but the blood bank wouldn't take it.
    They wanted to know where I got it from.
    Quote Originally Posted by southchurch View Post
    Ron has worked his socks off over many years and had many a sleepless night in his heroic attempt to keep this club afloat

  13. #13
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    A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus is watching you!'
    He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more for a while, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires he once again heard: 'Jesus is watching you!'
    Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
    'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
    'Yep', the parrot squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
    The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you to warn me?'
    'I am Moses,' replied the bird.
    'Moses?!' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
    'The kind that name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
    Quote Originally Posted by southchurch View Post
    Ron has worked his socks off over many years and had many a sleepless night in his heroic attempt to keep this club afloat

  14. #14
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    I see Pete Townsend of The Who has announced he's writing a musical.
    I think he should finish writing that book he was innocently researching first
    Quote Originally Posted by southchurch View Post
    Ron has worked his socks off over many years and had many a sleepless night in his heroic attempt to keep this club afloat

  15. #15

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    Two eggs boiling in a pan.
    One says, "Oh look, I've got a huge crack."
    The other replies, "Stop teasing me, I'm not hard yet."



    Two cowboys talking about sex.
    One cowboy says ''I like the rodeo position !''
    ''I haven't heard of that ... '' says the other cowboy, ''what is it ?'' ''Well get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind. Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper 'these feel just like your sisters' and try and hold on for 8 seconds !''





    Two guys are sitting on a bar stool.
    One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!"
    The bar goes quiet as everyone listens to see what the other guy will do.
    The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"

    The other says, "Go home dad, you’re drunk."

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