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Tuesday 26th September 2017

Coghs popped rooond last neet for a chat and to show off his new haircut. He always goes to The Barber of Seville on Hamlet Court Rood .. Spanish fella, he is. Nice and does a reet good job. All me players go there. Except Nile, who hasn't had his haircut since 2012 .. Reckons he's got ammunition in his locks and doesnae like to have them shaved off. I says a dannae mind if he keeps banging the goals in. That's two in a week, that.

Anyway, Coghs reckons he bumped into one of those Shrimpermoaners from that there website. I says I bets they are reet happy on there after our 4-2 win, but he reckons they're all moaning like aboot our defending .. I says I cannae believe that. They moan cos we're too defensive and they moan cos we score loads of goals. I dannae know what they want, man .. I tells yer what, I've a good mind to go back to me old way of playing, if that's their attitude .. Short, back and sides tonite it'll be .. Just like Coghs haircut!

I were pleased with me new signing - Mark Wright. Yer know, that fella from TOWIE. Me new mate, Glenn Ramblin told me all aboot him and said I can have him for the season. Talking of Ramblin, he reckons we are playing them in the Essex Senior Cup. I tells yer the truth, I dannae know what that competition is. Must be for the over 50's. I'll send doon a team. Might even play meself!

Anyway, Wimbledon tonite and it'll be a cracking match. The pitch should be a bit better, as we've had a streamroller on it over the weekend. That'll keep the purists happy. I dannae know what they're all going on aboot, though. Back in my day, we used to play on pitches up at Burnden Park that were caked in 3 inch deep mud from goalmouth to goalmouth. All uneven like. Really bad. And that were in August!

Well, better goes. Hopin for a fulsome performance tonite. I dannae know what fulsome means, but it sounds good! :happy:

Fame at last ! !
 
Tuesday 3rd October 2017

I thoughts I'd pop doon to Roots Hall tonight to see the youth lads and were sitting there in the Directors Box writing me diary and chatting with the lads from BBC Essex, Glenn Spellchecker and Glen Pennypincher, when Ron pops up from the Blues Lounge asking me what I'm doing. I says I'm watching the youngsters as they've been astounding me lately. He says I'm meant to be in the changing room managing the team. It's a First Team match! .. Well, I was shocked. Nobody told me. Anyway, I stuck me head in the door and came out with me usual clichés. You know "Clean sheet mentality" .. "On the front foot" .. "Sit on a lead for 86 minutes" and I think they took it all on board.

So, here I am in the second half here. Quite frankly I'm bored senseless. We are playing Reading apparently. They had to borrow our orange kit when they arrived. But I've gots me mind on other things, I must admit. The Wimbledon game last week was the luckiest I've ever been involved in until the Blackpool match, which is me new luckiest win. Now the next game is Doncaster Rovers. Last time we played them they beat us and I've never seen eye to eye with Ferguson, so it'll be good to tear them a new one. Have a problem at right-back though. Demi is playing for Cyprus and I'm not sure whether to pick old Elvis Costello there. He turned a move down to South West London, so I hear. I likes that and I'll probably give him the nod and play Whitey at Centre-Half.

Now, people have been saying they think old Anton is a bit slow these days. Not a bit of it. I was out on a morning jog with him the other morning (granted, I was walking) and we were chatting and he is as committed as ever. That said, I've completely ignored that and I thinks he can do with a rest. It's all aboot using me squad. It's a marathon, not a sprint and all that. Talking aboot slow players, I sees Adam Bassett is here tonight. He seems to be chatting to a lot of our young lads. Good to see he still cares aboot the club. Not sure why he had all that paperwork in his hand, though and a pen!

Anyway, I'd better get on. Coghs says I need to make some substitutions and I should really be paying attention. I says I am. I knows we are 1-0 doon and we need to do something aboot it, so I'm bringing on Nick Cotton. He should cause a few problems!
 
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Now, people have been saying they think old Anton is a bit slow these days. Not a bit of it. I was out on a morning jog with him the other morning (granted I was walking)


Andy, that is comedy gold! :hilarious:
 
Friday 13th October 2017

Been on the phoon to the FA this week, as I've run oot of centre-halves. Asked if I can have some more, but I foond their attitude a bit condescending and frankly childish, to tell yer the truth. They says I cannae have anymore, as I dinnae look after them when I do have them. I either break 'em or chuck them away. I says I do looks after them. It's just that we cannae afford the expensive ones from Hamleys and has to buy those cheap second hand ones that keep snapping in half. They said I'll have to make do and get the ones I have got repaired, so I've sent them all back to the manufacturers in Sweden! They says if I behave, I can have some more after Xmas. Well, very festive of them, I have to say!

What a dreadful week it's been, eh! .. We seem to either be lucky or sh*te this season, or both! .. There's a reet stink in the dressing room, as well. I asks Ron why that is and he says it's cos we sacked the kit fella for calling children names on that interweb thingy and we havnae replaced him, so the kit doesnae get washed. We've already had to ditch the first lot and get a new set. To cover it oop, we changed the sponsors name so it looked like it were the same kit. He's clever like that, Ron .. Well, one good thing is I cannae be accused of losing the dressing room, that's for sure. The smell gives away where it is! Hehe!

Now, I guess yer all know that Ferdy has got another ban. I asked Horts to find oot how long, but he said it'll be between 1 and 3 games, depending on what he said to the ref. I cannae believe Ferdy is so stupid as to have a go at the ref after the match. I mean, yer wouldnae find me doing that. I've always respected refs, me. They just misunderstand me sense of humour!

On Monday neet I went to see those guys and gals at The Trust. I likes them meetings, as I can say what I likes and it never leaves the room. I dropped a few names and went on a bit aboot Sam Allardyce, but any tough questions like "Do I know what I'm doing?", I just brushed them off and blagged it like I do. Yer got to think on yer feet, sometimes. I did gives them an update on the injury list, but that took oop 3/4 of the meeting, so I doubt they'll be asking me that again!

Talking of me old mate big Sam, I gives him a call yesterday. Asked him aboot me centre-half crisis and if he can help. He gave me some advice, but what I really wanted to know was if he could play on Saturday! .. I says I'm gonna have a run oot meself. A kind of player-manager role, so we can form the old partnership. He says he's way too old and slow nowadays. I says I'm sure we can work roond that. I told him it were away at Wigan, but then we mysteriously got cut-off and his phoon just kept ringing when I called him back, but I'm gonna take it as a yes! . I'm sure the FA will give me clearance. After all, they like old Sam, as he helped them oot that time, by managing England for one game.

I'm off to see our new CEO this morning. We seem to get a new one every week, these days. Says his name is Steve Widget and he's worked lately with Coventry City, so he comes highly recommended. .. Yep, that's if you want to play in League Two in front of an empty stadium. Jeez, where do they get these old has-beens from!
 
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Friday 13th October 2017

Been on the phoon to the FA this week, as I've run oot of centre-halves. Asked if I can have some more, but I foond their attitude a bit condescending and frankly childish, to tell yer the truth. They says I cannae have anymore, as I dinnae look after them when I do have them. I either break 'em or chuck them away. I says I do looks after them. It's just that we cannae afford the expensive ones from Hamleys and has to buy those cheap second hand ones that keep snapping in half. They said I'll have to make do and get the ones I have got repaired, so I've sent them all back to the manufacturers in Sweden! They says if I behave, I can have some more after Xmas. Well, very festive of them, I have to say!

What a dreadful week it's been, eh! .. We seem to either be lucky or sh*te this season, or both! .. There's a reet stink in the dressing room, as well. I asks Ron why that is and he says it's cos we sacked the kit fella for calling children names on that interweb thingy and we havnae replaced him, so the kit doesnae get washed. We've already had to ditch the first lot and get a new set. To cover it oop, we changed the sponsors name so it looked like it were the same kit. He's clever like that, Ron .. Well, one good thing is I cannae be accused of losing the dressing room, that's for sure. The smell gives away where it is! Hehe!

Now, I guess yer all know that Ferdy has got another ban. I asked Horts to find oot how long, but he said it'll be between 1 and 3 games, depending on what he said to the ref. I cannae believe Ferdy is so stupid as to have a go at the ref after the match. I mean, yer wouldnae find me doing that. I've always respected refs, me. They just misunderstand me sense of humour!

On Monday neet I went to see those guys and gals at The Trust. I likes them meetings, as I can say what I likes and it never leaves the room. I dropped a few names and went on a bit aboot Sam Allardyce, but any tough questions like "Do I know what I'm doing?", I just brushed them off and blagged it like I do. Yer got to think on yer feet, sometimes. I did gives them an update on the injury list, but that took oop 3/4 of the meeting, so I doubt they'll be asking me that again!

Talking of me old mate big Sam, I gives him a call yesterday. Asked him aboot me centre-half crisis and if he can help. He gave me some advice, but what I really wanted to know was if he could play on Saturday! .. I says I'm gonna have a run oot meself. A kind of player-manager role, so we can form the old partnership. He says he's way too old and slow nowadays. I says I'm sure we can work roond that. I told him it were away at Wigan, but then we mysteriously got cut-off and his phoon just kept ringing when I called him back, but I'm gonna take it as a yes! . I'm sure the FA will give me clearance. After all, they like old Sam, as he helped them oot that time, by managing England for one game.

I'm off to see our new CEO this morning. We seem to get a new one every week, these days. Says his name is Steve Widget and he's worked lately with Coventry City, so he comes highly recommended. .. Yep, that's if you want to play in League Two in front of an empty stadium. Jeez, where do they get these old has-beens from!


Andy, once again outstanding! what a cracker!
 
Plagiarising, much! :hilarious: I'll let you off though - Steve Widget - oh dear, got to keep a straight face when I meet him! :stunned:
 
Friday 20th October 2017

I went on that there Shrimpermoan this week. I likes to keep oop with what the fans think, before I do the opposite.

They seems to be doing another one of those polls to see how popular I am and how much they likes what I'm doing. I even voted meself, like, just to see how the results were going. 75% think I'm doing a good job, so that's good enough for me. I'll obviously prefer when it's 100%, but I'm sure that'll come when we get in the Premier League with our new ground. According to Ron, that's only a couple of years away and when we achieve it, he says he'll double me wages. That extra £50.00 a week will come in reet handy, as me landlord is threatening to poot me rent oop!

Reading through some of the other threads on there, I notice that people think I'm favouring Tims and picking him every match. I'm reet dumbfounded, tell yer the truth. I was even saying to Tims yesterday, when I was giving him his daily massage and cooking his dinner for him, that I resent the accusations that he is getting privilege treatment. He says the fans dannae like him. They've got it in for him. There's always some wag in the East Greens shouting abuse at him, like .. I says, yeah I know. I'm always getting abuse from behind me during the game, as well. Things like "you're sh**e you are" and "when are you gonna change it oop and get some subs on!". I dinnae mind, but that's from the players in the dugout. Cheeky swines!

Talking aboot me players, Lenny is doing a grand job ain't he, eh! .. He can play in any position that lad. So much so that tomorrow I'm gonna start with 8 players and play him in 4 different positions at the same time!

I notice there's also been some stick on that Shrimpermoan, aboot old Michael Turner. They reckons he doesnae exist! .. Well, let me poot the record straight. Though I've never met him, he sent me a letter and a photo the other day, saying how much he is enjoying playing for Southend. He says he was doing some warm weather training on the beach and there he was, shirt off and tanned. looking reet fit and healthy in that snap he sent .. Must have been taken on Southend beach on Sunday. Was a lovely sunny day that day .. I must admit, there was a hotel in the background I dinnae recognize, though. I'l have to check oot that Sol Melia place on the seafront. Looks reet nice!

Anyway, off to training now. We are gonna be working on shooting practice today. Yer see, I do listen to me supporters!
 
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Excellent stuff! We got a photo of Michael Turner with the two JBs doing the POTM presentation on Tuesday night as it goes, he definitely exists!
 
Thursday 26th October 2017

A lot of fans have been talking this week aboot how I always speak in clichés when I'm interviewed or am on the telly, like. Well, I'd like to put the record straight and tells you people that tonites diary won't have any of that nonsense in it and I'm being brutally honest here.

Now, if the truth be told, I'm reet fuming after Tuesday neet. It's Horts again and he's diabolical knowledge of the railway system. Come to think of it, he hasn't got much knowledge of football systems, either. I think I'll poot him on me list for January. The useless knacker. So there I ams at Southend Vic station waiting for me train to Billericay. Horts had told me they terminate them trains at Wickford, so offs I get and catch me bus from there. It took bloomin ages, it did .. And I then had to get a cab from the high street to the football ground. Missed the first 15 minutes and I'd had to text Kevin Maher to take over. The clown only goes and sticks Nile in the team. Horts had forgotten to pass me message on. I gets to the ground and tells Maher to get Nile off straight away. I needs him for Saturday. So Nile limps off, pretending like he's injured. Then Horts tells me he's got the days mixed up and the trains only terminate at Wickford on a Saturday. He really is off in January, to tell yer the truth.

Maher then shouts up to me to ask if I need Theo replacing, as I might need him for Saturday, as well. I says no, yer can keep him on. I won't be needing him until March at the earliest. He's another one on me January list. Well, by now we're 3-1 down and I've got Glenn Ramblin turning roond and flicking the V signs at me and laughing and pointing like a school bully. I dont's like him, I tell yer. The bottom line is, he can stick his local football revolution where the sun don't shine. Yep, Hull!

The second half isnae no better. We can't get a foothold in the game and are so naïve it's doin me heed in. Also I had to be home as me mobile launderette company, Shoebury Duvets, were delivering me fresh bed linen I needs for tonite. They've done a greet job they have. I always use them, as they have the reet clean sheet mentality, they do.

Last Saturday, I poot me best Italian suit on and was straight to London after the game. Me agent had got me some top Saturday neet billing. I'm thinking I'm gonna be a judge on that there X-Factor, or will be appearing on Strictly Ballroom Dancing. Turns oot, I'm stuck in a studio with that loon Colin Murray and having to watch all the sh*te from the other matches in our league. I didnae even have a chance to flirt with that Lynsey Hipflask, either. She's been sacked and replaced by this shambles. I told me agent that if he doesnae get me some decent work soon, I might have to start concentrating more on being a football manager!

So, I'd better be off. I hopes I didnae use any clichés tonite. If I have, I'll promise yer, I'll buy yers all a pint!
 
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As long as he reads the other threads where he gest plenty of support from me!
 
Thursday 2nd November 2017

I've reet gone and put me foot in it, again. That Chris Phillpotts is a canny lad down at the Echo and he reet threw me with that question aboot the Sunderland job. I told him that it's anyone's dream to manage a big club with huge tradition, but unfortunately the Sunderland post is the only one that's come up, so I'll have to make do, like. I says I'd be foolish not to be interested as I supported them as a lad back in the 1970's. The Roker Roar as we beat clubs like Wrexham and Mansfield Town in the second division is enough to make any lad want to be oot there. I can still hear it now. Happy days.

Anyway, I think I've been misquoted, like. So to set the record straight, I'm currently driving oop North to tell them personally that I'm not interested in the job. It's a slow drive, cos me red & white scarf keeps getting tangled up in the gearstick. It's tied to me wrist. I've also booked into a hotel for the neet, next to the ground, just in case I have to go back again tomorrow to re-confirm that I'm not interested in the job. I've also booked a table at a posh restaurant to lay me cards firmly on the table with the chairman over dinner. I cannae do more to tell them I'm not the man they want and I'm firmly focused on our next match against Middlesbrough, er, I mean Yeovil Town.

Yep, we are fully prepared for Saturday's big match. Cup fever is gripping the nation and a crowd of over 1,000 are expected. I knows all aboot Yeovil and their sloping pitch, so I've had the lads do lots of extra training, running up and doon Bread & Cheese Hill. Acclimatising, like. Ron wants me to take it seriously as we need the cash from a good cup run. I says when have I ever let him doon on that front!

During the week, we played a behind closed doors friendly against Gillingham. It were a greet first half an hour. We played some flowing football. Untouchable we were. Then we discovered the Gillingahm stewards had shut the doors before their team had arrived. Someone heard them knocking and let them in, but by then we were 6-1 oop. It was disappointing to concede when the oppo weren't on the pitch and Michael Turner picked up an injury, but otherwise it was a reet good workout.

Now, a lot of fans were disappointed that I had to shoot off straight after the game last week, but it was me daughter's birthday party! There were jelly & ice cream, cake, presents and party games .. 28 she is, but I likes to think she still enjoys it. Some of the lads even helped oot. Ferdy played musical statues, Ben & Tims put on a Punch & Judy show and the girls loved pinning the tail on Theo. Trevor Kettle even showed up for blind man's buff. It were a reet good night!

Reet, I better be off. I'm at Pontefract Services and I need to get some petrol. Keep the faith!



 
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Please keep down the humour and feel good factor on this forum ... there's a manager to critiscise
 
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