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Monday 17th April 2017

I were over the training ground the other morning, when Ron rings me and asks me to attend some seminar thing. I asks him what it's aboot and he says it's aboot CORR. I says I cannae speak for 20 minutes about Barry Corr. He disnae even play for the club and anyway, he's a tattooed loon with the heart of a pea. Ron then tells me they're paying for me time, so I says where is it and when? I'll be straight there! .. I'll even wear me tracksuit, to get in the mood.

Anyway, I asks Coghs to come along, as I still dannae have me car and he agrees. We turns up and the room's all full of sharp suited Apprentice wannabes with evil stares. I says, these people don't seem the sort to wanna know aboot some injury prone old has-been. Coghs goes off and asks someone who lets us know it's CORE, not CORR. I says I dannae know what yer talking aboot, but Coghs says he'll sit at the back with some prompt boards.

I gets called up on stage and this fella is banging on aboot entrepreneurial this and focus that, so I thought I'll just have to blag it.

So, apparently, C stands for Commitment. I says it's all aboot being committed to what you believe in. Some wag asks a question aboot the Bolton job last season, but I brush him off by pretending I dannae know what he's talking aboot and anyway, they said they'll edit that bit oot.

Then it's O for Organization. I tells the room that I have a great team of dedicated and skilled backroom staff and Brian Horton, so we have that covered. I also mention aboot the old Boots & Laces training ground and our new stadium. I tells them that were the only reason I came to the club. That and I needed a job, but mainly the stadium thing. I tells them Ron has already started work on the new ground and has built a fence. I thought it was to stop Noodle's shots going into Sutton Road, but apparently I were wrong.

R is for Respect, but I didnae have much to go on with that, so I talked aboot attitude and how we changed our mentality into thinking 2 points a game was better than 1 point and how I needed to let Adam Bassett down gently as, quite frankly, he was past his sell-by date and was talking aboot relegation and fear of losing all the time. I cannae have that in me dressing room. We needed a change of culture. I also mentioned I had to let one of the Under 21's go. The lad had all the attributes of CORE, but quite frankly he were s**te, so I had nae choice! .. Luckily there were no-one in the room from Employment Rights, so I got away with that one!

Final bit was E for Enjoyment. I says it's all aboot getting what you can oot of yer career and never doing anything for the money. It's all aboot self-esteem and doing what's right.

I leaves the stage to collect me money, when they tells me that it was for free. I says I'm not standing for that and told them me lawyers would be in touch. What is it with these people. Do they think I'm up there for the love of it?!

Well, today is another big day. I'm hoping for a bumper crowd, though I were disappointed to hear that the whole of the North Bank is going to be empty, apart from 57 MK Dons fans.

Organization, eh. Yer can't beat it!

Top stuff. I am now inspired for the afternoon that awaits us
 
Tuesday 25th April 2017

This is going to be a nervy week for everyone and we'll all have our superstitions, nae doubt. Yep, Nile's in court and we cannae afford for the judge to be like that fella who reffed us at Gillingham. Ron is a worried man, though, as he knows that if Nile doesnae get a sentence, we might get in The Championship and the club cannae afford that.

Yer see, Carly Clunes at Earls Hall Juniors has worked out all the figures and, to survive in The Championship, we'd need around £10million invested and at the moment, we've got £14.75 in the bank. In fact, we got a letter yesterday saying that they cannae pay the coach companies for all that free travel to Shrewsbury the other day. That were a reet c*ck up, by the way. It was meant to be free travel for the Junior Schools Cup Final at Lake Meadow, but the paperwork got mixed up and we booked a load of coaches to New Meadow! .. Horts has apologized, but he's shown a lack of commitment and desire which is just unacceptable at this stage of the season.

I guess yer saw that old Rio Ferdinand came along to see us play the other day. I had a good old chat with him and even asked if he fancied a game against Bury, but he says he cannae play. Reckons he's suddenly remembered an urgent trip to Spain that he'd forgotten he'd booked. He did say he were impressed with what he saw at the ground. Good organization, a decent system and all performing as a team. I says that's good to hear and we've been working hard on developing the footballing side of our game, but he said he was talking aboot The Bluebelles at half-time!

Well, as I say, Ron's made it clear that we've got to do our best not to get promoted and I think we're keeping our side of the bargain with our recent run of form, but that Adam Bassett keeps letting us down by telling the Millwall lads that the best way of defending is to back off and let the oppo have a shot at goal and if you're a keeper, be confident to let the ball go, if it's over yer heed. They'll never score if you do that!

Well, I'll leave yer with some good news. Me car's back on the road. I must admit, I cannae get in it at the moment, as I'm all nervy that I'll have another accident. I don't think I've got the bottle, in truth!
 
Wednesday 26th April 2017

I was checking last neet's results on me teleprinter and I sees that Port Vale managed to score a goal and it now means they only need to win 11-0 at Fleetwood and it could be bad news for Bury, unless they draw and a hundred other permutations involving Gillingham, as well. It's all getting very complicated, so I've got Earls Hall on to it, to give me the low-down and they came back with me answers, which they put together in 5 minutes, between play-time and reading class.

So, I sends me old Geordie mate, Lee Clark, a fax (yer see, all mod cons, me) and asks him if he's comin' doon 'ere with a 0-0 in mind, so I knows whether to play with 6 forwards or not. He says, I shouldnae be a daft t**t. Of course he'll come to attack. It's the typical Geordie way and one which has seen the hotbed of football be so successful over the years. In fact, we've won a trophy as recently as 1973, he says ... And the likes of Darlington are constantly winning their league - the Seaton Delaval Working Mens Club League Division 6, I think it was last season .. Aye, the good old North East. Champion times they were, when I were a lad. I remember Newcastle winning the Texaco Cup and Hartlepool avoiding re-election in the same week, back in 1971. Halcyon Days!

I spoke to Lenny yesterday. He came into me office to discuss his contract and thank me for the complimentary tickets for the Charlton game, the other week. He said, sitting in with the fans was great fun and he realized how passionate you lots are. So much so, that I said it was OK for him to travel to Shrewsbury with the fans. Yer know, just to get really up for the game. He loved it, though I wasnae happy that he had 3 pints in the Bricklayers Arms before the game and that fry-up at Newport Pagnell. Also, apparently he was joining in with the singing during the game, as well. Tims says he got distracted, telling him to shut up and lost concentration at the corner, when Junior Blue nipped in to score.

I've decided that, for Saturday, we need to return to our usual pre-match ritual that has served us well, all season, so I'll be taking the lads doon The Roslin for a morning breakfast and walk along the seafront before the big game. We'll be sure to be there in time for the 3:00pm kick-off, though! .. There's nae to worry aboot, there.
 
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Thursday 27th April 2017

Just back from The Roslin, as I needed to book the lads in for breakfast before Saturday's match and blow me if it ain't booked out already. Then the restaurant manager says I can have Sunday at 8:00am. I says that's nae good as I need it for the day of the match. She says it is the day of the match. There's a few words and then I calls Coghs who tells me it's Sunday at 12noon. Bl**dy SKY moving our matches again at short notice!

I made that call on me new phone that Nile got us. It's the Nokia 8210 and has all the mod cons yer need like making and receiving calls and yer can even send texts. Nile reckons all the homies have them up in London. They're greet as they don't leave a signal trace of where yers are, so it's reet handy if yer wants to get away from it all. I says I might need to after Sunday, so it's reet up me street!

Talking of Nile, I calls up Horts yesterday to say how impressed I were that four of the lads stayed behind after that Shrimpers Trust do the other neet. Greet to see, that, I says. Horts then sounds a bit panicked doon the phone and remembered he'd forgot to go and pick them up, after dropping Thommo, Ferdy and Coxy off. Jeez, I cannae trust him to do anything! .. That'll be another bill for the club for taxis. Ron'll be seething!

Listen, I gots to go. Granada TV Rental are at the door with me new telly. 24" of pure Alba quality. Greet bit of kit, that. It's even got a remote control and some of the channels are in colour. That's livin' alreet!
 
I was thinking how much I will miss the PB diaries when the season ends , but it struck me that surely we would all like to follow the mans antics during his summer 'down time'.

What do you say PB ?

Dont leave us all summer
 
Sunday 30th April 2017

Well, we're finally here. The biggest game of me career at The Blues, apart from the play-off final and that game against Bolton the other week. Oh and that one at Morecambe. Yep, let's hope it's not a repeat of last season's final game where we lost and they had their points deducted and I were sent off for suggesting the lino should be sent to a Siberian Salt Mine. I cannae help meself. The officials better be on their game today, otherwise I'm tellin yer, I cannae be accountable for me actions!

To take wor mind off things, Ron and me went to watch Orient play Colchester United yesterday, so we can be reminded of exactly how good life is at Roots Hall. We left 20 minutes before the end, as Ron had a table booked at Nando's. After the three course meal and bottle of the usual, we gets back in the car to find the game's still going on. Two and half hours injury time they played and still Orient only scored one goal!

Well, changing the subject, I guess yer all want to know what happened at the AGM the other neet, so I'll tells yer.

On the top table there were me, Ron, Coghs, that lad who runs the youth teams, Frank Catweazel and Lucy Lopez from Form 6H, who does all our accounts.

The room were full of shareholders, so we weren't bothered too much aboot the sort of questions, as me experience of shareholders is they know bog all aboot the company. Ron were a bit more uneasy and says they can be a bunch of sharks, so watch what yer say. I says I've dealt with these sort in me days at Hull City. Putty in me hands, they'll be.

Well, it all starts off OK, with Lucy going through the accounts, whilst watching The Disney Channel on her I-mobile thingy and answering questions. I weren't really paying attention when suddenly I gets asked a question aboot contracts. F***in 'ell, I didnae expect to be asked anything. I were reet unprepared. Then they're banging on aboot injuries and Bentley and Payne. I just answers all the questions by saying something like "It's down to the individual player". They seemed to like that. There were that fella from the ECHO who I cannae stand, in the front row. Looked like he were updating his twittergram with all me answers .. and that McNasty fella I met in the pub once who runs that Shrimpermoan site. He were updating things, too. I thought, jeez, the whole world's in on this. I better watch me step!

That fella who used to play for West Ham in the 1920's, Brian Dearstalker, were wandering around with the microphone. Luckily the next questions were all aboot the new stadium, so Ron were dealing with that. There seemed to be a lot of Australians in the room, asking aboot costs of running the club. Dannae know what they want, but Ron didnae like them. He asked for them to be removed from the room after an hour of intense questioning.

I gots asked aboot having Dele Alli here, but I says I didnae think there were going to be a food hall in the new stadium plans and then some wag asked what Horts does. I tells him he has a very important role and that's all he needs to know. He were getting reet on me nerves, that fella. He then asked Ron aboot the dome. Ron tells him the club are keeping one half and the other half is going to the local school, as they'll be able to put it together better than us!

I looks at me watch and it were nearly midnight and still loads of questions. I made me excuses and left, as we had Coxy's birthday party the following afternoon. I called Ron up that morning and he said he were still there at 3:15am answering questions. Says he's doing the meeting behind closed doors next year!

Talking of Coxy's party, we all had a greet time. There were jelly & ice cream, a bouncy castle and loads of party games .. And that were just for the players! .. We all enjoyed the pin the tail on the donkey game. Now, I know yer all aheed of me, here and yer think I'm gonna say something like "it were greet that Frank Noodle didn't mind having a tail pinned on him" or something like that, but I'm not that predictable .. It were actually Hines Beans, if truth be told!

Anyway, I better gets going. We've got breakfast booked for 8:00am at The Roslin. Enjoy the game! :happy:
 
Monday 1st May 2017

[video=youtube;F1iC7SzZ4N8]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F1iC7SzZ4N8[/video]
 
Friday 23rd June 2017

I guess you've all been wondering what's been happening since the end of the season. Well, tell you the truth, so have I.

Reet after that final whistle, I needed to get away, so I booked meself a 10 week holiday to Kefalonia. It's greet here. Me waiter, Nicos, keeps me informed of what's goin on in the world. Turns out he plays in the Greek League for Panthrakikos. He's a centre-half, as well. Tall lad. He said he needs to get away, as his team are sh*te. They finished bottom on -6 points. I asks him how you can get -6 points and he says that not enough money changed hands with the reet people and he gave me one of those knowing winks before topping up me Ouzo! .. I think I'll offer him a contract .. It worked last yer with old Demi, when I stayed at the Louis Ledra in Paphos .. That gamble paid off and yer know me, always willing to take a gamble .. Unless the score is 1-1 with 2 minutes to go!

Anyway, I guess yer wondering why I'm writing. Well, I've good news. Horts called me yesterday and says we've made a signing. I says that's greet, is it Rory McIlroy or Michael Kitefly . They were on me shopping list I gave him when he dropped me off at Gatwick .. He says no, it's Sonny Coutts .. I says, Isn't that a Greek Island? .. He says no, he's a centre-half like I wanted .. I says I've never heard of him .. Where did we get him from, Paris St Germain or somewhere like that? .. he says, well, not quite, he's actually one of our own players .. I says, so we've signed one of our own players so far .. Jeez. this isn't looking good! .. Horts perks oop and says, not quite, we signed Joe Bedford .. I says, that's more like it, where's he from? .. He says he's one of ours as well! .. We've also lost Thommo and Will .. They've gone and Lenny wants to play for Sheffield United! .. I says, this is a disaster .. I'll be on the first plane back, to speak to Ron.

Well, all me good intentions were ruined. Nicos checked the flights for me and there's none until August 3rd! .. Yer see, I insist on only flying with me favourite airline and they only fly once a month and July's flight is full! ..

Still, it's nae all bad .. "Nicos! .. Another top up 'ere son" .. Now, aboot that contract!
 
Friday 7th July 2017

Yer might recall that the last time I wrote in me diary, I couldnae get a flight back to England, but luckily Ron sorted one out for me at a reet tidy price. It went via Bucharest and Warsaw and took three days mind, but I managed to get home just in time to fly oot to Spain with the lads.

It's been a reet blast and they've all worked hard. I sent them oot on an early morning run up the Sierra Nevada. The fresh mountain air did them the world of good, or so I was told. I didnae go as, to be truthful, I'd just got in from Mavis & George's karaoke bar in Fuengirola. They're a reet nice Northern couple who hated the tacky Blackpool seafront bar they ran, full of George Cross flags and unhealthy breakfasts. They wanted a different life, so they opened up El Georgios Bar. It's reet classy in there. English beers, George Cross Flags and they do a reet tasty fry up. They love me karaoke singing, as well. Everyone joins in me 'Sloop John B'. Mind you, they dinnae know the words. They keep singing "The singer's f***ing sh*te. He should have stayed home!" and laughing and pointing at me during the chorus bit!

Anyway, I guess you've heard the news that Michael Kitefly is joining us. This manager disnae mess aboot when it comes to marquee signings! Ron seems keen, though I had to agree to sell four players to cover the wages. I haven't decided who yet. Suffice to say, we might not have a goalie this season!

Me old mate, Chris Phillpotts at the Echo texted me just now asking if it's OK to run the story, but I had to say that we haven't got the contract signed yet. Yer see, Earls Hall called me late yesterday afternoon to say they have to redesign the contract form, as we need five boxes for the weekly wages and our form only normally has three. They said it shouldnae take long as they have Tubby Turner on the case this morning. We also need to find a scarf for old Kites to hold above his heed for the photo shoot and we cannae find one at the moment. It'll all be OK, though, as I have an old Bolton one he can use. I'm sure no-one will notice!

I thought I'd cheer Nile oop with the good news, so I sent him a text and he replied straight away from his cell. He says he is available for the first game of the season, as he has a plan involving some sheets, the prison wall and his trusty steed, Silver. I says don't do anything silly mind, I can always start with Costa-Fortune and Coxy for a few games, but he just said for me "Not to worry, bro. The homies have it sorted" so I've penciled him in for a place on the bench against Blackburn.

I'm off now for me jog along the seafront to The Roslin for breakfast. I'm meeting Ron to discuss plans. Until then, keep the faith!
 
Thursday 17th August 2017

Well, that was one of the most embarrassing afternoons of me life last Saturday. Yep, I ripped me suit and I looked a reet old state on the touchline. I got a fair few comments from the local wags in the crowd behind me. Thankfully, we were so sh*te that they turned their attention to me players after about 15 minutes.

What a disgrace we were. As I said after last season's Rochdale game "I promise yer we'll never play like that again". Come to think of it, I also said that after Northampton, Scunthorpe, MK Dons. Oh and three of four times the season before. But I stands by it, man. I cannae poot up with that sort of shambles.

The lads know that if we're 4-0 down at half-time, they'll get the team talk on the pitch during the break. They gots lucky, though, as the Grimethorpe Colliery Marching Brass Band needed the whole of the pitch for their interval performance and their leader said if we were on the pitch, they'd have to march straight through us. I says, well that's been happening for 45 minutes already, so no change there!

I felt a bit doon on Monday, I don't mind telling yers. I called up Coghs saying we need some motivation and he recommended I call that Billericay boss, Glenn Ramblin. He seems to know what's needed. So I calls him oop. I got his ansafone, which said "Leave a message you ****!" .. I thought, charmin. I hadn't been spoken to like that since that fans forum evening at Preston North End! .. Well, Glenn called me back. He were reet aggressive and kept swearing. Bit like Parky. Amongst all the gutter language I heard words like Jungle, Lions and getting meself a Muriel. I were reet confused, but I guessed he meant some spiritual faith healer like that Eileen Drewellery woman. I thoughts, if it's good enough for old Hoddle, it's good enough for me, so I'm on the case.

Anyway, I better go. I'm interviewing three more centre-halves tomorrow. I think I'll sign them all!
 
Saturday 9th September 2017

It's been one of them fortneets. Been a reet royal pain in the a**e. I dannae mind telling yers.

First oop, I gets a call from Ron, asking why all the players are at the ground in a queue stretching reet across the car park. I turns oop to find they're all there to see Jeremy Clarkson, our physio. Seems the entire squad is injured. I speaks to Jeremy who says it's to do with our pitch. They've all got twisted ankles, torn ligaments. You name it.

Now, I cannae deny the pitch isn't oop to much. It's all Horts fault. He was tasked to get more use oot of our facilities, so he suggested people rent oot the pitch during the week. He took a call from the Badminton group. Hoping to hire for a couple of days. No harm, he thinks. They shouldnae do much damage. Turned oot it were the Badminton Horse Trials. Made a reet old mess they did. Though me cabbages are comin on a treat! .. Pauline Pompoms, the manager of the Bluebelles were on the phone, as well. They cannae do any more half-time routines, they say. Last week, they had to perform in wellington boots! .. Still, it's nae all bad, as we are unbeaten at home in the league! .. Better than my usual start, eh!

I thoughts I'd cheer meself oop with a pint with me old mate, Nile. You might remember we enjoyed a Thursday evening session in the Wagon & Horses, before he was sent to prison .. Well, we're back in our regular haunt the other evening. I tells him he needs to get his act together and he agrees, saying he's a changed man. We'd only been there aboot half an hour and he says he had to dash and get home. I says it's only 6:45pm. Bit early, but I tells yer something, he certainly is showing me the sort of commitment I likes to see!

More bad news as me captain got banned for speeding .. Certainly wasn't on the pitch, that's for sure! .. I cannae believe it. Everywhere I turns, there's a problem at the moment .. All me defenders are injured, me strikers can't hit a cow's a**e with a banjo and me media work is drying 'oop .. I think Channel 5 have lost me number .. Me and that Colin Murray are good mates, yet he wheels in Clinton Morrisons and Chris Imalosa .. They know nothing abooot football, them two!

Anyway, today's a new day .. Two tough away games comin 'oop .. No Nile on Tuesday neet, either .. Says he needs to give Silver a run-out .. Ron's agreed he can use Roots Hall for it .. What could possibly go wrong!
 
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I've seriously missed this. My cat was curled up on my lap but fled with terror when I started laughing almost uncontrollably at the post.
 
Sunday 17th September 2017

Had the scare of me life this morning. Was walking along the seafront to pick up me Sunday paper and me copy of OK magazine as they had a four page special on me favourite show, Geordie Shore, when I catches the back page of the Drivel on Sunday Sports Section. Big headlines "Brown Sacked". I thoughts nobody told me. What a nightmare. And I'd just renewed me 12 month subscription at Tantastic in Thorpe Bay Broadway, as well. I was straight on the phone to Ron, who didnae know anything aboot it, so I checks on me twittergram and it turns oot it's old Michael Brown at Port Vale! .. He's not the only one, though. Gary Caldwell at Chesterfield and Harry Redface, too! .. Felt a bit sorry for Calders. He'd vowed to get Chesterfield oot of League Two at the first time of asking and was doing a grand job at that! Hehe!

Well, that were a greet 3-1 win yesterday, weren't it. .. And good to see Nile get on the scoresheet. I'd told him in the week to try a fancy flick at the near post, no-one will expect that. I were reet an 'all. Keeper had nay chance. .. 1-1 at half-time and those two early goals in the second half made all the difference. I did wonder, though, why Northampton were kicking the same way as us in the first half. It were reet odd, but I put it doon to their American manager, Jimmy Floyd Patterson. Those yanks know nothing aboot football. He came oop to me at the start and says "Looking forward to the great soccer match-up this afternoon, Brownster?" .. It really grates that does, so I says "It's not soccer, it's football you idiot!" .. He looks at me all quizzical like and says it can't be football, there's no helmets on the pitch . I thinks yeah, they're all in yer dugout you clown!

At the ends I shakes his hand and says sorry for their getting beaten an 'all that and he says hey it was a tie at 2 to 2! .. I says yeah, dream on Patts, but I checks with the referee and he says it was .. I says I cannae believe our luck. We win 3-1 and still don't go home with the points .. I'm seething I don't mind telling yers.

Ron wants a coffee shortly, so I better dash. I've told him we're not going by train next week. Remember last season. We had to get those taxis as Horts booked the wrong coach. I've told Ron we'll be going oop on Friday neet and staying at the hotel in Bolton, like we do. Gives me a chance to drop in on old Parky with a copy of the Championship league table, too!

Anyway, we'll be back to winning ways next week. Promise yer. Keep the faith! :thumbsup:
 
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Tuesday 26th September 2017

Coghs popped rooond last neet for a chat and to show off his new haircut. He always goes to The Barber of Seville on Hamlet Court Rood .. Spanish fella, he is. Nice and does a reet good job. All me players go there. Except Nile, who hasn't had his haircut since 2012 .. Reckons he's got ammunition in his locks and doesnae like to have them shaved off. I says a dannae mind if he keeps banging the goals in. That's two in a week, that.

Anyway, Coghs reckons he bumped into one of those Shrimpermoaners from that there website. I says I bets they are reet happy on there after our 4-2 win, but he reckons they're all moaning like aboot our defending .. I says I cannae believe that. They moan cos we're too defensive and they moan cos we score loads of goals. I dannae know what they want, man .. I tells yer what, I've a good mind to go back to me old way of playing, if that's their attitude .. Short, back and sides tonite it'll be .. Just like Coghs haircut!

I were pleased with me new signing - Mark Wright. Yer know, that fella from TOWIE. Me new mate, Glenn Ramblin told me all aboot him and said I can have him for the season. Talking of Ramblin, he reckons we are playing them in the Essex Senior Cup. I tells yer the truth, I dannae know what that competition is. Must be for the over 50's. I'll send doon a team. Might even play meself!

Anyway, Wimbledon tonite and it'll be a cracking match. The pitch should be a bit better, as we've had a streamroller on it over the weekend. That'll keep the purists happy. I dannae know what they're all going on aboot, though. Back in my day, we used to play on pitches up at Burnden Park that were caked in 3 inch deep mud from goalmouth to goalmouth. All uneven like. Really bad. And that were in August!

Well, better goes. Hopin for a fulsome performance tonite. I dannae know what fulsome means, but it sounds good! :happy:
 
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