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Roughest bird you have nailed.

Joined
May 19, 2005
Messages
344
Come on chaps we have all been there, either 1.45am in Tots, a bet or after 20 pints of Stella in Blackpool, an iffiy bird has been taken home and nailed and made her day or even year.

My one was in Kavos Corfu a while back, myself CS Cockles and a few of Southends finest where on an all dayer and unfortnately bumped into the golden girls, all from the Swansea Valleys just gagging for some young good looking fit and tanned men with a good heart to boot. Anyway they found us lot and i ended taking a Peggy Mitchell lookalike back and nailing her all night whilst her sister was in the next bed complaing in that horrible Welsh accent.The next day i woke up very embarrased and sneaked out whilst she was asleep and got ripped too bits by the chaps back at the apartment block but every holes a goal as they say.
 
my worst one has to be in Reflex when it just opened. There was a few of us there and after a few a bet was placed to see who could pull the ugliest mutter (not bang, just pull). I managed to find a bird who looked like a cross between Ken Dodd and Sue Pollard. Anyway, after winning the best (wasn't hard, only one who managed to pull one!!) me and the lads left without given the Sue Dodd bird a second thought. After grabbing a burger from Ali Baba's staggered across the duel carriageway to the Taxi rank outside Southend Vic. And low and behold there she was again. She came up to me and said did I want to come back to her place and what do 9/10 men do in a drunken haze when that offer comes along...... anyway lets just say I still wake up at night screaming with flashbacks of what I saw the next morning!!!
 
This 40 something bird who looked amazing with her clothes on but rather haggered in the nude. She had kept herself in trim for a female who had already had a kid but she must have only breastfed with one boob as she had one amazing tit whilst the other one can only be described as a 3 day old deflated balloon!!!

To take matters worse she was a bit of a scary stalker & wouldn't leave me alone for a good 6 weeks after our night of "passion".

Also, 2 girls at uni. The first a huge porker from Peterborough who begged me to take her virginity, as was said earlier "what man wouldn't" and the other a pyschotic Irish bird who gave me a dose! Both these girls came back to haunt when at the end of year ball I finally got to pull this girl I'd been after for 2 years & as soon as they noticed they hatched a plan to tell my dream-girl what a low-life scumbag I was
sad.gif
 
Lads holiday to Kos. Group of Mackem birds sharing the same hotel. Most were alright. One absolute minger. Needless to say, she needed breaking in. After a drunken night (naturally) we were chatting to these lassies and all was unvieled to us. All of a sudden 15 straws arrive at the table. One of these straws is cut in half. Who oulls the short straw - yours truly. As any honest man would do, I honoured the straw. What a mistake. I promised never to be honest again.
wink.gif
 
Me and my mates called her Jimmy after Jimmy Krankie. Small round thing from Darlington at a weekend pi$$ up in Morcambe. Somehow her midgetness and rotund figure coupled with much egging on by mates made her my target for the night. I managed to charm her back to my B&B and the warning signs should have happened the way she demolished a Supersize Kebab, smoking Filterless Camels at the same time.
That she wanted to do the tongues and kissing after the kebab and her chain smoking when back at the B&B meant i had to use double-plus charm to get her on all fours quickly so i didn't have to kiss her or.... look at her.
To this day since i have never found the sound of fanny farts funny.
Next morning I breathed a sigh of relief in that she had gone, but there she was outside the patio, smoking. Unaware I was there, she phlegmed up an almighty ball of sh*t and spat it out over the second floor balcony, lifting her leg up and parped a good proper trumpet recto plasm.

Eventually she saw me and asked if we "could do it again."

...of course she had to go an all 4's
 
Must be something about the Greek Islands as mine too was in Kavos.

It was the first night so as you do me and the lads went on a wrecker. We must have drunk about half the beer on the island. By about 2.30pm there was just me and my mate Sweaty left.

He is getting married soon and been with his Mrs for 10 years and never been the sort of bloke to stray. He was off his face and decided a henna tatoo would be a good idea.In the queue we got talking to these rough birds from London. They were all a bit fat but the one I was talking too was rough and fat.

Our mate had the kitty and had gone home so we decided to follow suit as we was out of money but these fat birds kepy plying us with drinks. We must have five or six each off them at £3 a time.

They suggested we all walk home as out hotel was close. Got to our room and my mate begged me to come home as I would regret it but I didnt listen and I went back to hers. The warning signs were there when she asked if I was playing pull a pig
rock.gif
?

Did the deed but the only bonus was I cant remember anything about it. Next day I woke up and didnt recognise the room. I seemed to be on my own and I was a bit confussed till this fat beast come out in a skimpy nighite and asked me if I wanted a cuppa.......

I shot up made some half excuse about going to the water park and ran in the seering heat back to our room.

Wish to god I had lied to the lads about shagging her as she was so rough. Must have been close on 20 stone. Spent the whole of the next week avoiding her in the bars of Kavos - Luckily only one of the lads knew what she looked like. She came over to speak on the last night to give me her number and I pretended I didnt know who she was.  

Could have been worse as my mates Henna tatoo lasted fully for about 6 months and still has slight marks now.

Best day of her life no doubt.  
mad.gif
 
[b said:
Quote[/b] (Dave the Shrimper @ Mar. 23 2006,12:38)]Must be something about the Greek Islands as mine too was in Kavos.

It was the first night so as you do me and the lads went on a wrecker. We must have drunk about half the beer on the island. By about 2.30pm there was just me and my mate Sweaty left.

He is getting married soon and been with his Mrs for 10 years and never been the sort of bloke to stray. He was off his face and decided a henna tatoo would be a good idea.In the queue we got talking to these rough birds from London. They were all a bit fat but the one I was talking too was rough and fat.

Our mate had the kitty and had gone home so we decided to follow suit as we was out of money but these fat birds kepy plying us with drinks. We must have five or six each off them at £3 a time.

They suggested we all walk home as out hotel was close. Got to our room and my mate begged me to come home as I would regret it but I didnt listen and I went back to hers. The warning signs were there when she asked if I was playing pull a pig
rock.gif
?

Did the deed but the only bonus was I cant remember anything about it. Next day I woke up and didnt recognise the room. I seemed to be on my own and I was a bit confussed till this fat beast come out in a skimpy nighite and asked me if I wanted a cuppa.......

I shot up made some half excuse about going to the water park and ran in the seering heat back to our room.

Wish to god I had lied to the lads about shagging her as she was so rough. Must have been close on 20 stone. Spent the whole of the next week avoiding her in the bars of Kavos - Luckily only one of the lads knew what she looked like. She came over to speak on the last night to give me her number and I pretended I didnt know who she was.  

Best day of her life no doubt.  
mad.gif
Dave, Im shocked you had the staying power, drink is usually your downfall when it comes to birds....

Remember the weekend in Bournemouth!?..

laugh.gif
 
Smiffy mate.....This night I was amazing....

The B-Muff night in fairness you did get a better result than me but I was drinking pints and you were on some Aluminous tarts drink which gave you special powers.

And in all honesty had you nailed her you could have told us all about us under this topic mate.
wow.gif
 
Without a shadow of a doubt, my most shameful night was in London about 6 years ago. A friend of mine had just been through a particularly traumatic break-up with his girlfriend and needed to be brought back into circulation.

There used to be a club on Wardour St called The Wag, and it was perfect for things like this. Lots of booze, lots of girls and just the right atmosphere to make it a rich furrow to plough, especially on a school night.

The trouble with this friend sadly, was that he was very shy at the best of times. Having just had his heart torn out and stamped on by the woman he thought he was set to marry, he was in no state to approach girls.

"Look mate," I said kindly, "leave it to me. See those two girls over there? The fit one and the fat one? Just you follow me."

Why is it always like that? A fit one and a fat one? If you're hunting for treasure there's always a monster to contend with. The plan, of course, was that I would take the larger quarry out of the equation, freeing up the fit one for my mate.

Off I trotted, charming as you like, and very soon I was invited to sit down. I waved my mate in from the bar and we were off.

This spare girl was big. Not big as, 'you could do with laying off the chips', but big as in, she had her own gravitational pull. Small objects, lipsticks and cigarette lighters had settled into a gentle orbit around her arse. That kind of big.

But I'm a true friend, so I was utterly charming to her. For the first hour I thought my mate had cracked it. He was talking to this divine woman with confidence and style, he even made her laugh. I got another round of drinks. And another. And...well, you know how these things go.

Before the night was out, the heartbroken lad had started talking about his ex and how they were supposed to get married and have kids. The delectable target cocked her head to one side and told him that he was very sweet. Basically, it was going nowhere. Unfortunately by this point, I was very, very drunk.

I don't really remember getting the taxi, or where my friend went. One thing I do remember though, one blinding moment of clarity from much later on, was groggily looking up and spotting that sizeable beast bouncing up and down upon my loins.

Imagine, if you will, the sight of a walrus trying to climb on to an ironing board and you'd be pretty much there.

I showered so much the next morning, but I didn't stop feeling dirty until about two years later.
 
[b said:
Quote[/b] (Dave the Shrimper @ Mar. 23 2006,14:31)]Smiffy mate.....This night I was amazing....

The B-Muff night in fairness you did get a better result than me but I was drinking pints and you were on some Aluminous tarts drink which gave you special powers.

And in all honesty had you nailed her you could have told us all about us under this topic mate.    
wow.gif
Very true mate.

If it wasnt for a ridiculous turn of events in the nightclub I indeed would be talking about it.

But, she wasnt rough?, was she?!!...

laugh.gif
laugh.gif
 
[b said:
Quote[/b] (Slipperduke @ Mar. 23 2006,15:18)]Imagine, if you will, the sight of a walrus trying to climb on to an ironing board and you'd be pretty much there.
biggrin.gif
 
[b said:
Quote[/b] (Slipperduke @ Mar. 23 2006,15:18)]Without a shadow of a doubt, my most shameful night was in London about 6 years ago. A friend of mine had just been through a particularly traumatic break-up with his girlfriend and needed to be brought back into circulation.

There used to be a club on Wardour St called The Wag, and it was perfect for things like this. Lots of booze, lots of girls and just the right atmosphere to make it a rich furrow to plough, especially on a school night.

The trouble with this friend sadly, was that he was very shy at the best of times. Having just had his heart torn out and stamped on by the woman he thought he was set to marry, he was in no state to approach girls.

"Look mate," I said kindly, "leave it to me. See those two girls over there? The fit one and the fat one? Just you follow me."

Why is it always like that? A fit one and a fat one? If you're hunting for treasure there's always a monster to contend with. The plan, of course, was that I would take the larger quarry out of the equation, freeing up the fit one for my mate.  

Off I trotted, charming as you like, and very soon I was invited to sit down. I waved my mate in from the bar and we were off.

This spare girl was big. Not big as, 'you could do with laying off the chips', but big as in, she had her own gravitational pull. Small objects, lipsticks and cigarette lighters had settled into a gentle orbit around her arse. That kind of big.

But I'm a true friend, so I was utterly charming to her. For the first hour I thought my mate had cracked it. He was talking to this divine woman with confidence and style, he even made her laugh. I got another round of drinks. And another. And...well, you know how these things go.

Before the night was out, the heartbroken lad had started talking about his ex and how they were supposed to get married and have kids. The delectable target cocked her head to one side and told him that he was very sweet. Basically, it was going nowhere. Unfortunately by this point, I was very, very drunk.

I don't really remember getting the taxi, or where my friend went. One thing I do remember though, one blinding moment of clarity from much later on, was groggily looking up and spotting that sizeable beast bouncing up and down upon my loins.

Imagine, if you will, the sight of a walrus trying to climb on to an ironing board and you'd be pretty much there.

I showered so much the next morning, but I didn't stop feeling dirty until about two years later.
One of the best posts I have ever read.....

laugh.gif
 
[b said:
Quote[/b] (Sao Paulo Shrimper @ Mar. 22 2006,15:13)]Come on chaps we have all been there, either 1.45am in Tots, a bet or after 20 pints of Stella in Blackpool, an iffiy bird has been taken home and nailed and made her day or even year.

My one was in Kavos Corfu a while back, myself CS Cockles and a few of Southends finest where on an all dayer and unfortnately bumped into the golden girls, all from the Swansea Valleys just gagging for some young good looking fit and tanned men with a good heart to boot. Anyway they found us lot and i ended taking a Peggy Mitchell lookalike back and nailing her all night whilst her sister was in the next bed complaing in that horrible Welsh accent.The next day i woke up very embarrased and sneaked out whilst she was asleep and got ripped too bits by the chaps back at the apartment block but every holes a goal as they say.
ha ha ha that has brought the biggest smile to my fave, what a funny one that was, and I tell you everyone she was a f%&king beast, no bones about it I recon about 60-65 really short cherry red died hair with a rinkly old leather hide, the only thing going for here was she wasnt fat, The thing that pi$$ed us all off is, we were so ****ed that we would all have been lying if we said we wouldnt have shagged them if we had the chance, well saying that I was on sparkling water all night ive just got no morals...........................

your a legend barry
 
[b said:
Quote[/b] (Smiffy @ Mar. 23 2006,15:26)]
[b said:
Quote[/b] (Dave the Shrimper @ Mar. 23 2006,14:31)]Smiffy mate.....This night I was amazing....

The B-Muff night in fairness you did get a better result than me but I was drinking pints and you were on some Aluminous tarts drink which gave you special powers.

And in all honesty had you nailed her you could have told us all about us under this topic mate.    
wow.gif
Very true mate.

If it wasnt for a ridiculous turn of events in the nightclub I indeed would be talking about it.

But, she wasnt rough?, was she?!!...

laugh.gif
 
laugh.gif
What happended in the night club???

She werent great Lee if I recall correctly.
laugh.gif
 
[b said:
Quote[/b] (Slipperduke @ Mar. 23 2006,15:18)]Without a shadow of a doubt, my most shameful night was in London about 6 years ago. A friend of mine had just been through a particularly traumatic break-up with his girlfriend and needed to be brought back into circulation.

There used to be a club on Wardour St called The Wag, and it was perfect for things like this. Lots of booze, lots of girls and just the right atmosphere to make it a rich furrow to plough, especially on a school night.

The trouble with this friend sadly, was that he was very shy at the best of times. Having just had his heart torn out and stamped on by the woman he thought he was set to marry, he was in no state to approach girls.

"Look mate," I said kindly, "leave it to me. See those two girls over there? The fit one and the fat one? Just you follow me."

Why is it always like that? A fit one and a fat one? If you're hunting for treasure there's always a monster to contend with. The plan, of course, was that I would take the larger quarry out of the equation, freeing up the fit one for my mate.  

Off I trotted, charming as you like, and very soon I was invited to sit down. I waved my mate in from the bar and we were off.

This spare girl was big. Not big as, 'you could do with laying off the chips', but big as in, she had her own gravitational pull. Small objects, lipsticks and cigarette lighters had settled into a gentle orbit around her arse. That kind of big.

But I'm a true friend, so I was utterly charming to her. For the first hour I thought my mate had cracked it. He was talking to this divine woman with confidence and style, he even made her laugh. I got another round of drinks. And another. And...well, you know how these things go.

Before the night was out, the heartbroken lad had started talking about his ex and how they were supposed to get married and have kids. The delectable target cocked her head to one side and told him that he was very sweet. Basically, it was going nowhere. Unfortunately by this point, I was very, very drunk.

I don't really remember getting the taxi, or where my friend went. One thing I do remember though, one blinding moment of clarity from much later on, was groggily looking up and spotting that sizeable beast bouncing up and down upon my loins.

Imagine, if you will, the sight of a walrus trying to climb on to an ironing board and you'd be pretty much there.

I showered so much the next morning, but I didn't stop feeling dirty until about two years later.
laugh.gif


cracked me up!!

I applaude you sir not just on the post but always romping with Wally the Walrus!
 
[b said:
Quote[/b] (Dave the Shrimper @ Mar. 23 2006,15:39)]
[b said:
Quote[/b] (Smiffy @ Mar. 23 2006,15:26)]
[b said:
Quote[/b] (Dave the Shrimper @ Mar. 23 2006,14:31)]Smiffy mate.....This night I was amazing....

The B-Muff night in fairness you did get a better result than me but I was drinking pints and you were on some Aluminous tarts drink which gave you special powers.

And in all honesty had you nailed her you could have told us all about us under this topic mate.    
wow.gif
Very true mate.

If it wasnt for a ridiculous turn of events in the nightclub I indeed would be talking about it.

But, she wasnt rough?, was she?!!...

laugh.gif
 
laugh.gif
What happended in the night club???  

She werent great Lee if I recall correctly.  
laugh.gif
I dont believe you dont remember Dave...

She had her handbag nicked by some scallywag in the club and was totally distraught, which meant game over!

But if she was as rough as you say she was, I'm glad!..

Werent those bints from Stanford-No-Hope aswell?

Funny times indeed.

laugh.gif
 
[b said:
Quote[/b] (Smiffy @ Mar. 23 2006,15:52)]
[b said:
Quote[/b] (Dave the Shrimper @ Mar. 23 2006,15:39)]
[b said:
Quote[/b] (Smiffy @ Mar. 23 2006,15:26)]
[b said:
Quote[/b] (Dave the Shrimper @ Mar. 23 2006,14:31)]Smiffy mate.....This night I was amazing....

The B-Muff night in fairness you did get a better result than me but I was drinking pints and you were on some Aluminous tarts drink which gave you special powers.

And in all honesty had you nailed her you could have told us all about us under this topic mate.    
wow.gif
Very true mate.

If it wasnt for a ridiculous turn of events in the nightclub I indeed would be talking about it.

But, she wasnt rough?, was she?!!...

laugh.gif
 
laugh.gif
What happended in the night club???  

She werent great Lee if I recall correctly.  
laugh.gif
I dont believe you dont remember Dave...

She had her handbag nicked by some scallywag in the club and was totally distraught, which meant game over!

But if she was as rough as you say she was, I'm glad!..

Werent those bints from Stanford-No-Hope aswell?

Funny times indeed.

laugh.gif
Of course I remember now.....

They were proper dirty them birds too.

Shame we never hit the town the 2nd night really but once the G-Man drunk that curry sauce and done himself we was never going to get out was we....

Good Night that was.
wow.gif
 
[b said:
Quote[/b] (dave cusaks nose @ Mar. 23 2006,15:32)]
[b said:
Quote[/b] (Sao Paulo Shrimper @ Mar. 22 2006,15:13)]Come on chaps we have all been there, either 1.45am in Tots, a bet or after 20 pints of Stella in Blackpool, an iffiy bird has been taken home and nailed and made her day or even year.

My one was in Kavos Corfu a while back, myself CS Cockles and a few of Southends finest where on an all dayer and unfortnately bumped into the golden girls, all from the Swansea Valleys just gagging for some young good looking fit and tanned men with a good heart to boot. Anyway they found us lot and i ended taking a Peggy Mitchell lookalike back and nailing her all night whilst her sister was in the next bed complaing in that horrible Welsh accent.The next day i woke up very embarrased and sneaked out whilst she was asleep and got ripped too bits by the chaps back at the apartment block but every holes a goal as they say.
ha ha ha that has brought the biggest smile to my fave, what a funny one that was, and I tell you everyone she was a f%&king beast, no bones about it I recon about 60-65 really short cherry red died hair with a rinkly old leather hide, the only thing going for here was she wasnt fat, The thing that pi$$ed us all off is, we were so ****ed that we would all have been lying if we said we wouldnt have shagged them if we had the chance, well saying that I was on sparkling water all night ive just got no morals...........................

your a legend barry
She was 51 you lying c%&t and a half decent bunk up actually if i am honest.

I think her nickname was irene from Home and Away in the end.
biggrin.gif
 
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