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Winkle

Manager
Joined
Apr 11, 2005
Messages
1,300
This is tale I heard from a few years back from a work colleague who used to be an Ambulance driver in kent, it still makes me laugh to this day. I will set the seen as he told me! He was called out to an emergency where a Kneighbour had heard cries of help coming from the garages next door to her, so she called an ambulance and my mate,Tony, attended and this is how it went.Tony arrives at the house and walks up the drive to see a young man staddled across his motorbike wearing only a pair of underpants.
tony:"alright mate, what you been upto then?
Y/M :"Ah, thank god you have arrived ,I have had a bit of an accident!
tony:"ok, no problem, is it your leg? Where does it hurt?
Y/M :"its my right leg!I have a shooting pain going right down to my toes and it hurts!
tony:"ok then lets try and get you up and move you into the house so we can assess thing properly, after 3 lean on me and I will take the wait off you ,ready? 1,2,3!!!!
Y/M :"ooowwweee, no,no,owweee, please it hurts!
tony:"What hurts, your leg?
Y/M :"no, its my a**e, please, dont move me!
tony:"ok son relax, take it easy, lets see if I am able to see what the problem is.(tony then bends down and has a look underneath the motorbike).
tony:"oh...... f**k....erm.... yes,well erm, I can see the problem, just dont move, I am going back to get some stuff to help the pain and to call the fire brigade!
Y/M :"really, whats wrong? Why do you need to call the fire brigade?
tony:"dont worry I will be back in a minute! (tony then walks down to the ambulance and finds his colleague sitting in the passenger seat writing out a report from a previous call). tony then says to his colleague,
tony:"You are never going to beleive this one(dry smile)! Can you take the bag up there and give the guy some painkillers while I get onto control for the fire brigade.
colleague:" whats up then,is it bad"?
tony:"just take the bag up there and have a look for yourself,and give him some painkillers,quick!
colleague:" ok!
tony then radios control for the fire brigade!
tony:" control, we need some assistance, the fire brigade at (address given) as quick as you can,over!
control:"roger that, is it a fatal,copy over?
tony:"er,no not really its just that..... some young man as got 5 inches of a motorbike kickstart lodged up his rectum......!
control:"say again, copy!
tony:" can you just get someone here pronto, over!
control:"....copy,over.
Fifteen minutes pass and a fire engine arrives and pulls up outside. The leading hand walks up the path and sees tony and his colleague administering a drip and stuff and they both speak!
fireman:" Ok fellas, what we got here then has this young man had an accident?
tony:"well.. yeh..(snigger)we need to get that thing off (pointing to the visible part of the kickstart that left) either hacksaw it or cutting torch!
fireman:" ok, whats the problem then?
tony:"have look underneath and you will see!
fireman:" ok then, (he bends down) f***K me....thats got to hurt, I will get some cutting gear up.
Y/M :"Erm, can someone tell me whats going on? Why did that fireman say he was getting cutting gear?
tony:"well, we need to get the kickstand off as you have impaled yourself on it!
Y/M :"no, please, no, I only bought the bike yesterday, please dont, cant he just remove the pin that holds it on?
tony:"we will see,when the fireman gets back!
The fireman returns and after a breif discussion they decide that the best way to remove the kickstart would be to try and remove the pin, but warn the young man that the vibration could cause him pain, but he is keen to go ahead!
fireman:" Ready, here we go,(he then starts undoing the nut and proceeds to start hammering the very stuck gudgin pin out)!
fireman:" you ok son, its a bit tight!
Y/M :"owwee, please hurry up, owwe (as the vibration is making the kickstart go up and down).
fireman:" nearly there son, just hang on while I give it one last bash! There you go all done!
tony:"ok we are going to strap your legs together and get you to hospital!
You know have to picture this poor guy, a**e in the air on a gurney with a motorbike kickstart pretruding from his rectum with the whole of the street watching.
In the Ambulance,tony askes him what happened? Well said the young man, I spent all day cleaning my new motorbike as I was going to take my girlfriend out on it later today. I finished and decided to have a quick bath and while I was soaking away I looked out of the window and it had starterd to spit.As I didnt want my new lovely bike wet I jumped out of the bath, put my pants on and rushed outside to move it into the garage, when a big gust of wind tore through and spun me round and toppling me onto the bike....nuff said, said tony (turning round and wetting himself).it could happen to anyone!
EPILOGUE its a true story, I s**t you not, he had 3 hours of surgery for a surverely torn rectum but sent tony a thankyou card after...fantastic!
 

JoshC

Members
Joined
Mar 14, 2007
Messages
3,151
haha what he deserved!!! very similar to Ricky Gervais Ketchup gag lol
 

Wessex

First XI
Joined
Feb 9, 2007
Messages
262
Location
Sunny Bournemouth
What gets me about these stories is why these people want to stick dangerous items up their arrisses..........!!!

Why didn't he just go down to his local sex emporium and purchase a rubber ****........?
:eek: :confused:
 

JoshC

Members
Joined
Mar 14, 2007
Messages
3,151
surely what they are doing shows that they lack any common sense
 

MK Shrimper

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 6, 2005
Messages
52,329
A "man" my ex used to know....if you're under 18 children, avert your eyes....used to have a potato on a broomstick and used to mark on the broomstick how far he'd managed to "insert it".

Some people get off on the oddest things.
 

C C Csiders

Life President
Joined
Apr 27, 2005
Messages
12,192
Location
On the journey to spiritual enlightenment (via the
I know a woman, who now lives in Australia, that was a theatre nurse at Southend Hospital. A man was once admitted there, via A&E, for surgery, who had inserted a toothbrush (bristle end) down the eye of his penis. After the op he said he did it because it was itching.
 

Jay_Shrimper

Mummy's Little Soldier
Joined
Jan 7, 2007
Messages
2,643
I know a woman, who now lives in Australia, that was a theatre nurse at Southend Hospital. A man was once admitted there, via A&E, for surgery, who had inserted a toothbrush (bristle end) down the eye of his penis. After the op he said he did it because it was itching.

:hilarious:

Oh funny times. These have made me laugh. :hilarious: Things people do. :hilarious:

I'm trying to think of some, but can't...:mad:
 

Pubey

Guest
there is some story of a man being admitted to A&E... he had a bottle stuck right up his ****, and instead of him admitting he was a dirty bummer he went into some long spiel...

apparently he had been shopping but forgotten his keys.. his bedroom window was open so he dragged a ladder around from the side of the house and propped it up above the front door. as he was climbing he slipped and fell onto the bags of shopping, where the bottle ripped through his jeans and straight up his a*se! The nurse taking down the notes was completely straight faced and he went into details about how this had supposedly happened. After the patient had left the nurse added a note saying "apparently Tescos Ketchup comes with a condom placed over it!"
 

JoshC

Members
Joined
Mar 14, 2007
Messages
3,151
there is some story of a man being admitted to A&E... he had a bottle stuck right up his ****, and instead of him admitting he was a dirty bummer he went into some long spiel...

apparently he had been shopping but forgotten his keys.. his bedroom window was open so he dragged a ladder around from the side of the house and propped it up above the front door. as he was climbing he slipped and fell onto the bags of shopping, where the bottle ripped through his jeans and straight up his a*se! The nurse taking down the notes was completely straight faced and he went into details about how this had supposedly happened. After the patient had left the nurse added a note saying "apparently Tescos Ketchup comes with a condom placed over it!"

yh thats the Ricky Gervais Politics piece, hilarious stand up:hilarious:
 
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