My alarm clock goes off, it’s a match day today and the culmination of a heavy weeks safety training, I've spent the whole week at the Stadium learning to walk up and down stairs, I'm yet to have as many gold stars as my friend Dave but I do think I chose the right career path instead of McDonalds
I head downstairs to find the wife relaxing with her feet up on the sofa, I instruct her to immediately remove her feet from the seat, not only is it a safety hazard but there could be anything on her shoes, how would she like it if someone else were to sit in that seat.
I go to get my coat before heading to the match only to find one of the kids standing in the garden outside, I immediately instruct him to sit down, I don’t know how many times I need to stress just how dangerous standing up is to him, he claims he was only having fun but that is no reason to compromise other peoples safety even if nobody was in trouble, better safe than sorry is my motto
The stadium is packed and we're almost ready for action, I've been busy directing people to seats for the past half hour, befriending people then telling them off for the most meaningless things. There was one woman who tried to enter the ground wearing boots, HOW DARE SHE! Can you imagine letting someone in with something that could be used as a dangerous weapon, she insisted they were fashion wear and said she was off to watch the mags instead, good riddance to potential hardcore trouble makers I say
I spot a young lad shouting that Crewe are "by far the greatest team the world has ever seen". My mate Sid confirms my suspicions that the Brazil side of 1970 were the best of all time so I discipline the little b****** for lying. First there telling fibs then it leads to heroin and gun crime, still my objective as steward is to eradicate all evil from society so taking his season ticket of him was the right thing to do
Half time - its the usual stampede to the concourses so these hooligans can drink even more beer to aid the riots they’ll no doubt be starting, one of them has been standing a whole yard in front of the yellow line smoking a cigarette, I’ve radioed the gaffer but I have to wait until he moves another step before I can chuck him out.
YES! the cigarette smoker finally moves forward, its been agony waiting for it but I feel he’s been causing a real threat to other peoples safety, if he was to flick his ciggy on the floor and someone had left a crate of dynamite there the whole stadium could blow, I don’t want to be the man left with blood on his hands
2 kids have been spotted walking around the concourse, one is apparently armed with a plastic spoon, its times like these that I hate the danger element that’s involved but if it meant ensuring the safety of the fans id fight them, unless there’s someone smaller to pick on of course
That’s it, game over, the drama however is not, one obvious hooligan has decided to hurdle the seats, he doesn’t realise the danger he is causing himself and others, I’ve called for the police as this is a serious matter, one of the boys in blue comes over and laughs in my face when I ask him to arrest the man for climbing over the seats, he obviously isn’t very well trained as I know this is actually a law, maybe he’s laughing at the supposed supporters idiocy and just how far he is willing to go to compromise his own safety.
Another hectic day is over, unfortunately I lost our weekly contest of how many people we can throw out, although I did win a sweepstake for the stupidest warning after telling a fan he would have his season ticket taken off him if he continued to clap during the game, people criticise us stewards for not having a sense of humour but its a laugh a minute it really is.
I go home via my local chippy, the assistant obviously spots my luminous jacket and asks how Crewe got on, I aint stupid, they wont catch me out, I chucked 5 under 10s out warned 15 pensioners and am trying to have 3 season tickets confiscated of people who wore to much bright clothing to the match, does he really think I have time to watch the game, its disgusting the lack of respect some people have for us stewards, ahem, safety officers
I arrive home to find pandemonium in my house, my wife is running up and down the stairs screaming "****ing get in we’ve won 5 million ****ing quid on the lottery", I proceed to throw her out of the premises as she is clearly celebrating far to much and foul language is just going over the top, with a bit of luck she wont be allowed back in again, some people just take liberties.
I settle down to watch the Premier$hite, strange it seems people in the crowd actually watch the game if only our supporters would grow up and not be hell bent on causing trouble by standing up, getting excited or singing, it would make my job a whole lot easier that’s for sure.
I apply to join the police force for the 42nd time