Design A Pub

[Bluesmanager]

OK, so, money's no object, and land and space are complete non-issues. What's the best possible pub you could ever come up with?

Mine?

Fossett's Bar will be located just down the road from Fossett's Farm, Southend on Sea, Essex.

The bar will be tended by the guy who bartends at The Spread Eagle if I can get him away from his pub for ten seconds, but if not I'll settle for the Coyotes from Coyote Ugly.

This bar will sell all kinds of alcoholic drinks at decent prices (pints no more than a pound), with discounts being given to those who have Southend United season tickets. Soft drinks and decent water will also be provided.

In terms of reading material, there's the newspaper the food comes in, the Daily/Evening Echo, or All At Sea. You want to read a different paper/book, bring it with you.

There will be several TVs stationed around the place so that people can watch their sports, even if they do clash (I'm thinking footie, F1, tennis, cricket, and possibly one TV dedicated to Sky Sports News on matchdays for those who just want to know the scores and aren't fussed about the actual game). These will be 24" at least, possibly HD as well.

Jamie Oliver can bloody well do some good by heading up the kitchen staff with proper pub food, none of this fancy-pansy ninny rubish you see on daytime TV cooking shows these days.

Pub quizzes will be hosted on Thursdays by our very own Cricko (as long as he doesn't call me a Barbie Girl again), with a new topic drawn at random afterwards. All non-alcoholic drinks will be half-price for the duration of the event.

Smokers can use the small corner of the beer garden not covered with outdoor seating.

Music will be played as background noise, mainly using BBC Radio 2 and Match Day Radio, unless it's 7 on Saturdays for a Southend home game and 8 on Saturdays for a away game, in which case, Match Day Radio will take over. The same applies for Wednesdays at 7. BBC Essex will also be used, if they ever get round to properly covering Southend games in the future.

Everyone is welcome, unless you are a Colchester United fan, Canvey Island fan, or a West Ham fan. Also, chavs and those who talk like gangstas are not welcome.

Anyone who talks about Big Brother or some other reality TV show (I'm a Celebrity, etc) in any way other than "That blonde off of Big Brother, what's her name, Cheryl? She's hot!" will be evicted. Anyone who talks about the kind of thing you'd find in Heat magizine will be thrown out. Anyone found to be causing trouble or disturbing the peace will be thrown out. Anyone found to be using illegal drugs will be thrown out.

 

[Benfleet A1]

The Grouty Arms welcomes one and all. Here you will find three bars for the comfort and enjoyment of the customer. Bar 1 is where the fans will gather with high table and chairs situated for comfort and glass resting. The walls will be adorned with Southend United pictures and photos of past glories and hero's of the badge. Music will consist of rousing numbers to get the blood flowing before kick off and will slowly rise in cresendo as battle commences. Plasma screens dotted around the bar will show whatever game is on unless it's West Ham when crossbows will be raffled and allowed three shots each to the lucky 5 winners to shoot the screens out (remember, money no object) Bar staff will of course be The Blue Belles in thongs and a smile. Food will consist of bacon sandwiches, full english and fish or pie and chips. Vegeterians will also be catered for with dry bread and salad cream.

Bar 2 will offer pub games such as pool, darts, pinball and fruit machines and Golden Tee. Plasma screens will also be in this bar but no crossbows as who wants debri all over the baize when your lining up the 8 ball.

Bar 3 will be for the smokers who can puff away to their hearts content. Any non-smokers are quite welcome but if they complain about the smoke face ejection through the nearest window.

The management also reserve the right to lock customers in after last orders for 'private parties' (£10 per head)

I think the Grout brand could work quite well.

**Starts to compose letter to Dragons Den**

 

[JoshC]

The Grouty Arms welcomes one and all. Here you will find three bars for the comfort and enjoyment of the customer. Bar 1 is where the fans will gather with high table and chairs situated for comfort and glass resting. The walls will be adorned with Southend United pictures and photos of past glories and hero's of the badge. Music will consist of rousing numbers to get the blood flowing before kick off and will slowly rise in cresendo as battle commences. Plasma screens dotted around the bar will show whatever game is on unless it's West Ham when crossbows will be raffled and allowed three shots each to the lucky 5 winners to shoot the screens out (remember, money no object) Bar staff will of course be The Blue Belles in thongs and a smile. Food will consist of bacon sandwiches, full english and fish or pie and chips. Vegeterians will also be catered for with dry bread and salad cream.

Bar 2 will offer pub games such as pool, darts, pinball and fruit machines and Golden Tee. Plasma screens will also be in this bar but no crossbows as who wants debri all over the baize when your lining up the 8 ball.

Bar 3 will be for the smokers who can puff away to their hearts content. Any non-smokers are quite welcome but if they complain about the smoke face ejection through the nearest window.

The management also reserve the right to lock customers in after last orders for 'private parties' (£10 per head)

I think the Grout brand could work quite well.

**Starts to compose letter to Dragons Den**

That sounds like heaven, one question though... cheap beer?

 

[Benfleet A1]

That sounds like heaven, one question though... cheap beer?

Lager, bitter and stout = £1.50

Shorts with mixers = £1.75

Soft Drinks = £1.00

Drivers drinks are free.

 

[JoshC]

Lager, bitter and stout = £1.50

Shorts with mixers = £1.75

Soft Drinks = £1.00

Drivers drinks are free.

beats the blue boar... You have your first customer

 

[loz]

A Wetherspoons without the mentalists would do me. Although then it wouldn't really be a Wetherspoons..

 

[cockles is back]

cockles Bar and Brasserie


wine em dine em 69 em...................

offering the best brasses in the borough, open from 6 bin the morning until 5 in the morning sunday to sunday , no woman would be allowed except the ones you pay for, loads of dark dingy corners plenty of sawdust and a few pickled eggs on the bar for all you soft arses

 

[McNasty]

cockles Bar and Brasserie


wine em dine em 69 em...................

offering the best brasses in the borough, open from 6 bin the morning until 5 in the morning sunday to sunday , no woman would be allowed except the ones you pay for, loads of dark dingy corners plenty of sawdust and a few pickled eggs on the bar for all you soft arses

Can I have a job please, years of bar experience and experience of running the Spread ? If not can I wear a frock and pleasure the punters ?

 

[McNasty]

A ShrimperZone club-house with pitches near FF would be ideal, it has been mentioned but we are £11.57 short of being able to do it.
A bar or two with cheap beer open long hours with wi-fi internet connections for those who want a beer and to log-on to the Zone.
My lady has the personal license for serving drinks and I have done quite a bit in the Spread --- but I would hate to take all their football day trade away as the Spread would probably shut with the drop in takings.

 

[Mad Cyril]

I would go for something like the Hope Hotel but with more fruit machines.

 

[seany t]

I'm definitely not co-managing a pub called 'Free the Paedos'...

Perfect pub:

A TV set with a Playstation and Pro Evo
Four seats with controllers waiting on top of them
Several real ales on tap within a reachable distance from these 4 controllers

 

[Jedi Shrimper]

Can’t decide on the location of my pub, either a rooftop pub on top of the flats development overlooking Fossets Farm OR beside the sea, with a large decked area going just over the water.

Service of alcohol will be to your table by our crack team of Marylin Monroe & Bettie Page look-a-like barmaids. There will be a wide selection of ciders & ales, strictly no lager.

There are 3 bar area’s, the first is the Music bar which will play music carefully selected by the landlord - me. There will be darts, pool & quiz machines here, along with several Wii consoles.

The 2nd is the Sports Bar where large televisions will broadcast Football, Cricket, Rugby, F1 etc all day long, aswell as Major League Baseball coverage and Full Live Coverage of every Southend United game, home and away.

The 3rd bar is the Quiet Bar with no music & no tv’s, large comfortable chairs, provide a quiet area for reading, relaxing and talking. Admittance to this bar is for over 25’s only and anyone adjudged to be talking too loudly will be ejected. There is also internet access with the laptops provided.

Dress code: Strictly no Wet Spam, Col Ewe, or White Sux sportswear. No Chavs. Smoking is banned throughout.

Cheap Prices.

 

[SARF]

Lots of oak beams.. Windows just a bit too high for kids to see in.. No kids..
A saloon bar and public bar.. No lady would contemplate going in the public!
Beer 10 per more expensive in the saloon to fund the leather chairs ..
Darts and skittles in the Public with copies of the Sun n Mirror lying around.. Times and Torygraph in the saloon...
Big plasma at the far end of the public bar .. Radio in the Saloon..

 

[SARF]

Lifetime bans for people who continually scratch the 'L' off the public bar sign

 

[sufc_tom]

The Grouty Arms welcomes one and all. Here you will find three bars for the comfort and enjoyment of the customer. Bar 1 is where the fans will gather with high table and chairs situated for comfort and glass resting. The walls will be adorned with Southend United pictures and photos of past glories and hero's of the badge. Music will consist of rousing numbers to get the blood flowing before kick off and will slowly rise in cresendo as battle commences. Plasma screens dotted around the bar will show whatever game is on unless it's West Ham when crossbows will be raffled and allowed three shots each to the lucky 5 winners to shoot the screens out (remember, money no object) Bar staff will of course be The Blue Belles in thongs and a smile. Food will consist of bacon sandwiches, full english and fish or pie and chips. Vegeterians will also be catered for with dry bread and salad cream.

Bar 2 will offer pub games such as pool, darts, pinball and fruit machines and Golden Tee. Plasma screens will also be in this bar but no crossbows as who wants debri all over the baize when your lining up the 8 ball.

Bar 3 will be for the smokers who can puff away to their hearts content. Any non-smokers are quite welcome but if they complain about the smoke face ejection through the nearest window.

The management also reserve the right to lock customers in after last orders for 'private parties' (£10 per head)

I think the Grout brand could work quite well.

**Starts to compose letter to Dragons Den**

Surely their wearing to much :D

 

[MK Shrimper]

Can’t decide on the location of my pub, either a rooftop pub on top of the flats development overlooking Fossets Farm OR beside the sea, with a large decked area going just over the water.

Service of alcohol will be to your table by our crack team of Marylin Monroe & Bettie Page look-a-like barmaids. There will be a wide selection of ciders & ales, strictly no lager.

There are 3 bar area’s, the first is the Music bar which will play music carefully selected by the landlord - me. There will be darts, pool & quiz machines here, along with several Wii consoles.

The 2nd is the Sports Bar where large televisions will broadcast Football, Cricket, Rugby, F1 etc all day long, aswell as Major League Baseball coverage and Full Live Coverage of every Southend United game, home and away.

The 3rd bar is the Quiet Bar with no music & no tv’s, large comfortable chairs, provide a quiet area for reading, relaxing and talking. Admittance to this bar is for over 25’s only and anyone adjudged to be talking too loudly will be ejected. There is also internet access with the laptops provided.

Dress code: Strictly no Wet Spam, Col Ewe, or White Sux sportswear. No Chavs. Smoking is banned throughout.

Cheap Prices.

We have a winner!