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GNH

Fish House Ultras⭐
Joined
Oct 26, 2003
Messages
3,546
Location
Rayleigh
I know this is an old one but it still makes me smile every time i read it.

The following is a real complaints letter sent to NTL customer services dept.....



Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had
not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes, an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although
the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate your internet servers downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that:

A telephone line is available (and someone will call me back);
no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back);
I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed);
I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were sh*t, that they had attained the holy ****-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are.

You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - w***ers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you.

I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver- any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit -they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tw*ts.



John
 
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That has inspired me to write a complaint letter about my extraordinarily sh*te train journey this morning...

<span style='color:navy'>Dear South Eastern Trains,

It is not often that I feel the need to complain about the generally mediocre service I receive from SE Trains, but this morning was exceptional. Exceptionally bad, that is.

My train - the 08.46 to Charing Cross, was not only 9 minutes late in arriving, but then proceeded to take 31 MINUTES to get to London Bridge, a journey which takes an average of 9 minutes off-peak and 12 minutes peak.

In other words, it took three times as long as it should have taken to make my commute to work.

In what sense is the provision of such a journey by your company in any way compatible with the concept of "service"?

Moreover, what exactly have I paid for when I spent £784 for a two-zone annual season ticket - to be herded on to graffiti-filled, decrepit buckets which then take over half an hour to cover a journey which should take 10 minutes?

If this complaint form seems a little strident, it may be because I have been charged penalty fares in the past when I have forgotten to carry my railcard (which I have paid for) with me.

However, it appears that you are entitled to fail to provide anything resembling a service, and yet get away with it.

How exactly is that reasonable?

I hope to receive an explanation from you; however, I shan't be holding my breath with the thought that that might arrive within a reasonable time frame. After all, your trains don't.

Furhter, for the avoidance of doubt, I expressly prohibit you or any of your "selected third parties" sending me junkmail, or indeed contacting me at all save to respond to this complaint. I don't see a box on this form which entitles me to opt out of this - which may well be in breach of Data Protection Law.

I note that your privacy statement states that:

"Please note that making use of our services will be deemed by us to signify explicit consent on your part to the transfer of personal information, where this is necessary for us to provide services to you or to perform a contract with you."

Well, since it is highly doubtful whether you provided a service or performed a contract with me in terms of my rail journey this morning, I consider that I am fully within my rights to deny you consent to pass on my details to anyone. In fact, I enjoy those rights in any event.

You may not, therefore, deem that my consent has been given for you to pass on my details to third parties (and/or to your own internal marketing department) - since you are on notice that my consent has been expressly withheld.

If I find out that you have passed my e-mail or address to anyone, there will be hell to pay, I assure you; and I will be keeping a copy of this message.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours, disgusted by your atrocious service,

Matthew Walker</span>

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.... and breathe...

wow.gif


Matt
 
Letters of complaint just don&#39;t work.

I&#39;d send a couple of boys round to apply a bit of....pressure.
 
[b said:
Quote[/b] (Mad Cyril @ Mar. 19 2004,15:46)]Letters of complaint just don&#39;t work.

I&#39;d send a couple of boys round to apply a bit of....pressure.
Unfortunately, we drink at different locals. So I simply don&#39;t have that resource to call on...

tounge.gif


Matt
 
[b said:
Quote[/b] (Matt the Shrimp @ Mar. 19 2004,15:17)]That has inspired me to write a complaint letter about my extraordinarily sh*te train journey this morning...

<span style='color:navy'>Dear South Eastern Trains,

It is not often that I feel the need to complain about the generally mediocre service I receive from SE Trains, but this morning was exceptional.  Exceptionally bad, that is.

My train - the 08.46 to Charing Cross, was not only 9 minutes late in arriving, but then proceeded to take 31 MINUTES to get to London Bridge, a journey which takes an average of 9 minutes off-peak and 12 minutes peak.

In other words, it took three times as long as it should have taken to make my commute to work.

In what sense is the provision of such a journey by your company in any way compatible with the concept of "service"?

Moreover, what exactly have I paid for when I spent £784 for a two-zone annual season ticket - to be herded on to graffiti-filled, decrepit buckets which then take over half an hour to cover a journey which should take 10 minutes?

If this complaint form seems a little strident, it may be because I have been charged penalty fares in the past when I have forgotten to carry my railcard (which I have paid for) with me.

However, it appears that you are entitled to fail to provide anything resembling a service, and yet get away with it.

How exactly is that reasonable?

I hope to receive an explanation from you; however, I shan't be holding my breath with the thought that that might arrive within a reasonable time frame.  After all, your trains don't.

Furhter, for the avoidance of doubt, I expressly prohibit you or any of your "selected third parties" sending me junkmail, or indeed contacting me at all save to respond to this complaint.  I don't see a box on this form which entitles me to opt out of this - which may well be in breach of Data Protection Law.

I note that your privacy statement states that:

"Please note that making use of our services will be deemed by us to signify explicit consent on your part to the transfer of personal information, where this is necessary for us to provide services to you or to perform a contract with you."

Well, since it is highly doubtful whether you provided a service or performed a contract with me in terms of my rail journey this morning, I consider that I am fully within my rights to deny you consent to pass on my details to anyone.  In fact, I enjoy those rights in any event.

You may not, therefore, deem that my consent has been given for you to pass on my details to third parties (and/or to your own internal marketing department) - since you are on notice that my consent has been expressly withheld.

If I find out that you have passed my e-mail or address to anyone, there will be hell to pay, I assure you; and I will be keeping a copy of this message.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours, disgusted by your atrocious service,

Matthew Walker</span>

mad.gif


.... and breathe...

wow.gif


Matt
Dear Matt the Shrimp,

I'm sorry if your train journey was sh*t this morning. This is a rail service in the UK. Did you expect anything better ?

Yours sincerely

Mr S.E.Trains
 
[b said:
Quote[/b] (* ORM * @ Mar. 19 2004,18:06)]Dear Matt the Shrimp,

I&#39;m sorry if your train journey was sh*t this morning. This is a rail service in the UK. Did you expect anything better ?

Yours sincerely

Mr S.E.Trains
Bravo sir&#33;

laugh.gif


I wouldn&#39;t mind if they wrote that to me. At least it&#39;d be an honest answer...

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Matt
 
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