Impartial life advice :-)

[lee_sufc]

Afternoon all!

Been a while since I last posted (but I'm a regular "lurker").

I'm after some impartial advice...

Basically, I live in Rochford with our two young children. One is in pre-school, the other in year one at primary. Although we like where we live, we've often considered relocating to Somerset. We rent our current property and with prices as they are, we're unlikely to buy the same size of property we currently rent...anyway...

An opportunity has come up for us to move to a small village in Somerset and there are spaces available within a small school (our eldest is currently in a large school). Rental prices are nearly 40% cheaper and we'd have a much better opportunity of buying a property there within the next few years than we would here.

However...my Mum is terminally ill and the prognosis isn't great (she's been told a couple of years maximum). I feel like I'd be a bit of an arse if we move now, as she'd be 4 hours away and wouldn't get to see her grandkids as often as she does. But at the same time, if we were going to relocate, now is the time (before kids get to an age where they're settled and start making long-term friendships at school, etc).

One minute, we're all for moving, the next I'm against it. I've asked a couple of mates, and had a 50/50 reaction from them.

So, should we stay, or should we take the plunge and move?

 

[steveo]

Its all about your Mum. Knowing Mums if you ask her she will probably say go for it don't worry about me, but if you do will you feel **** when she dies and think you could have done more for here?

After my Dad died, I always thought blimey I could have done so much more with the bloke who I took for granted as always being there and you cant ever go back.

So not much help from me really but always remember you've only got one Mum.

 

[Pubey]

I think if you're on here asking for advice, then you already know the answer.

I think there are only a few times where you can realistically move quite far away from your family, and I don't think this is one of those moments.

 

[Greebosan]

Have you given any thought to bringing your Mum along with you, if she would want to leave?

 

[londonblue]

Am I the only one that would say go for it? I'd speak to your mum first and make sure she's OK. What you haven't told us is if she has anyone to look after her. If you're the only person, and she relies heavily on you, and you alone then, my answer would be different.

As you say, you'll be 4 hours away. The other way of looking at it is, you're ONLY 4 hours away. Yes, she may not see your children as often, but that is where you need to make a commitment to ensure you visit on a regular basis. There's no reason why you can't come back at weekends on a regular basis. (I would recommend driving through the night with young children as they'd sleep the entire journey - a friend of mine used to do that when driving to Manchester to see his in-laws.)

You can also set her up with Skype, and make a commitment to actually use it.

 

[lee_sufc]

Have you given any thought to bringing your Mum along with you, if she would want to leave?

As much as we'd love to take her, she wouldn't leave.

 

[lee_sufc]

Am I the only one that would say go for it? I'd speak to your mum first and make sure she's OK. What you haven't told us is if she has anyone to look after her. If you're the only person, and she relies heavily on you, and you alone then, my answer would be different.

As you say, you'll be 4 hours away. The other way of looking at it is, you're ONLY 4 hours away. Yes, she may not see your children as often, but that is where you need to make a commitment to ensure you visit on a regular basis. There's no reason why you can't come back at weekends on a regular basis. (I would recommend driving through the night with young children as they'd sleep the entire journey - a friend of mine used to do that when driving to Manchester to see his in-laws.)

You can also set her up with Skype, and make a commitment to actually use it.

We are not her main carers (my Dad is around and my 3 sibblings).

You make a good point about seeing her regularly. As it is, we're only 20 mins round the corner, but we can go a couple of weeks (sometimes more) without seeing her. If we move, we'd make an effort at least twice a month. When I think of it like that, it doesn't seem as bad...

 

[Jam_Man]

I wish my mum had gotten to see more of her grandkids before she died, once she has gone you wont be able to change that.

If you are able to keep that up moving away then that wont affect anything though.

 

[MK Shrimper]

I'd stay mate. I'm only 1 1/2 hrs from my mum (who's fortunately in rude health), but I only get to see her every few months.

 

[Eastblack]

What advice has your Dad given you? Aside from your Mum's situation, your Dad will be around when she's gone so you need to make sure that he's onside and it's not going to cause a rift IF you do end up going.

 

[Berrichonne shrimper]

I am fully in the move camp.

 

[Another Surrey Shrimper]

Am I the only one that would say go for it? I'd speak to your mum first and make sure she's OK. What you haven't told us is if she has anyone to look after her. If you're the only person, and she relies heavily on you, and you alone then, my answer would be different.

As you say, you'll be 4 hours away. The other way of looking at it is, you're ONLY 4 hours away. Yes, she may not see your children as often, but that is where you need to make a commitment to ensure you visit on a regular basis. There's no reason why you can't come back at weekends on a regular basis. (I would recommend driving through the night with young children as they'd sleep the entire journey - a friend of mine used to do that when driving to Manchester to see his in-laws.)

You can also set her up with Skype, and make a commitment to actually use it.

It's easier for you, you can just fly to and fro

 

[OldBlueLady]

I think the fact you have siblings and your dad at hand, I would seriously consider it, it would be massively different if there wasn't that immediate family support. Your kids' ages are one of the easiest times to move them and it sounds as if the opportunity is right.

Difficult one, you'd probably be kicking yourself either way, but with commitment you can do it and continue to support your mum. With the age of technology it is far easier to stay in touch after all.

 

[Fred]

This is a tough one. I too have a close relative with a limited prognosis, and for you to have to make this decision will take a lot of thought.

I know that my mum would say, it's a chance to improve your life, go and make the most of it. I know that she would be very disappointed but would appreciate our decision. However, your mum may have a completely different opinion. It isn't easy and you will know best how to approach your mum.

Whether you stay or go, rally round other close relatives and friends to visit. Try and ensure that she gets the best medical and/or social care. This has helped my mum. I try to be as positive as possible by saying how well she looks and reflecting on times gone by. Memory can be a great asset in these circumstances.

If you decide to go, reassure her that you will visit her as much as you can with your kids and then you may feel reassured that you are doing the best for your family and your mum.

Even now I constantly feel guilty about not doing more for mum in the past given that her life is now coming to an end. Even if I had have done more, I think I would still get the same emotion.

Whatever you decide, I wish you and your mum well and hope this has helped in some way.

 

[londonblue]

It's easier for you, you can just fly to and fro

It's not that simple. I wouldn't take my kids in the plane, they can't sit still!

Plus, we would still be four hours away. It's just that four hours would be a longer distance.

 

[lee_sufc]

Cheers everyone! Given me a lot (even more) to think about. At present, I'm swaying on the 'stay' side...

 

[WightShrimper]

As Kay has said, you will have guilt whichever road you take. I am of the opinion though that you should consider going.
YOUR children are now your main concern and their futures may indeed be better if you move away. Also, when your mum does go, you may find your dad will appreciate a few 'holidays' away from the area with all its memories.
Thinking about it, your mum might like a couple of breaks away if she is feeling up to it.
You are not emigrating to Australia, visiting is possible and I assume you would be able to stay over somewhere for occasional weekends.....you might just spend more time with your folks.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

I would stay every time. You're mum will only die once. You will be able to move a few times in your life when the time is right financially. You will regret it for the rest of your life if you leave now. Postpone the move until after. Also, your dad may not be asking for your help through this difficult time, but I bet he really appreciates it when you do. It gives your siblings a break as well. Go and listen to this song 'No Charge', I think that will make your mind up for you.
Listen here.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PiaY2GQuuzA

 

[Shrimpers are Magic]

Your not talking about sydney here are we - 8 hour round journey every couple of weeks of so is doable I think. Yes it's your mum but you have your family to think of as well. Good luck.

 

[Taunton_Shrimper]

Somerset is not the other side of the world, depending on where your going you can do it in 3 hours. I'd speak to your Mum and if she is comfortable with it and it works out for you and your family then go for it.

On the plus side, if you do move the ever increasing band of Somerset Shrimpers may get some more members! :thumbsup: