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Slipperduke

The Camden Cad
Joined
Aug 24, 2004
Messages
4,333
Location
North London
When the watching world assumes that your latest managerial recruitment is an April Fool's prank, it doesn't exactly bode well for the future. Alan Shearer must have often dreamed about the reaction he would get if he ever slipped into the St James Park hotseat, but I bet he didn't expect laughter. I was so convinced that it was all a big joke that I barely got this article in before the presses started to roll.

But apparently it's true. Shearer is in place. The fourth boss of the season. What is his actual job title though? He can't be manager, can he? Wouldn't that be a little harsh on Joe Kinnear? Mind you, even Kinnear wasn't actually the manager. He was the Interim Manager, which I suppose makes Shearer the Interim Interim Manager. Only Newcastle United could do this, which I think is why I love them so much. They are living proof that no matter how bad life is at your own club, there's always someone getting it worse somewhere.

Do they even get on? Mike Ashley has said in the past that he would never appoint an inexperienced manager, hinting that Shearer should go and cut his teeth elsewhere first. Shearer himself has repeatedly criticised Ashley for the disastrous way in which he has run the football club. They are, to put it mildly, strange bedfellows, but never underestimate the motivational powers of naked fear.

So will it work? Well, that's a tricky one. Shearer is not known for his tactical acumen. In his role as a pundit on 'Match Of The Day', the UK's most popular football show, he certainly hasn't offered any hint that he is the new Rinus Michels. His contribution is usually limited to stating the bloomin' obvious and repeating anything that Alan Hansen says, just in case it passed unnoticed first time round.

But Newcastle's perilous position doesn't call for tactical genius. It calls for a big kick up the backside. Even a Sunderland fan would have to admit that the Magpies' squad is not one of the worst three in the Premier League. There are quality players there who are under-achieving, Experienced professionals whose heads have dropped after a turbulent season on and off the field. If Shearer's arrival can spark some pride in the shirt and force the players to show some courage, then it might be enough to stave off the financial armageddon of relegation.

The fans will certainly do their bit from the stands, but don't be fooled by the instant reaction to this appointment. Not all Newcastle supporters are as daft as the feral, tracksuited simians who bounce excitedly at the TV cameras every time something happens up at St James Park. The majority of Geordies are embarrassed to be constantly represented by their knuckle-dragging brethren. Those with more than three braincells to rub together know their football and they will see this appointment for what it is. A last desperate throw of the dice from a feckless chairman who is out of options.

Football in the 21st Century is about physical conditioning, strategic mastery and the power of motivation. At a push, Shearer can bring only the latter to the table. Will it be enough for a club treading the fine line between survival and relegation, redemption and financial disaster? April Fool jokes are supposed to be funny, but you won't find many Newcastle fans laughing if this one backfires.
 

Matt the Shrimp

aka Harry Potter
Joined
Oct 27, 2003
Messages
19,929
Location
Lewisham, London
Not all Newcastle supporters are as daft as the feral, tracksuited simians who bounce excitedly at the TV cameras every time something happens up at St James Park.

What a shame I'd already repped you for that piece - the above is one of the finest bits of prose you've penned in a while. Bravo, sir!

:clap:

And, in true panto style... oh yes they are.

Matt
 

EastStandBlue

Life President
Joined
May 29, 2005
Messages
15,481
The Mike Ashley Out Protests summed up Newcastle perfectly...

Early Tuesday Morning, some thousands of middle aged men and women find the time to wander down to St. James Park with banners made of scribble on bed sheets, mumbling some crap about a Cockney Mafia that is designed to bring down the club. Which, if you ask me, begs a series of questions:

1) Have you not got jobs?

2) What do you hope to achieve protesting at St. James Park, when Mike Ashley is probably sat in his London Mansion, not giving a toss?
 

EastStandBlue

Life President
Joined
May 29, 2005
Messages
15,481
Just to further enforce my point, Live on SSN is a crowd of people aged 20-50 just waiting outside St. James Park for Shearer to turn up...
 

seany t

President
Joined
May 11, 2006
Messages
3,566
I can't wait for the film of this saga.

Should sit somewhere in my anally arranged DVD collection between The Big Lebowski and Laurel & Hardy.
 

Thorpe Groyney

Open your mind
Joined
Nov 20, 2008
Messages
2,389
Location
Surely it's plain to see?
I have no idea what Slipperduke means by knuckle draggers embarrassing the club .....


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number11

"Good morning everybody........"
Joined
Feb 11, 2005
Messages
5,599
I read that Wise is to go in amongst all of this. Dunno what wages the evil dwarf was on, but I have no idea what he did for the club and I hope he fails to land any decent jobs in the future.
 

Clinton Baptiste

Life President⭐
Joined
Apr 19, 2007
Messages
7,976
Location
Leigh
Wouldnt bet against Newcastle being in League one within a few years. The club is on a massive downward spiral. Would be surprised if Shearer even wins a game to be honest, only one he might get something out of is Stoke or Boro.
 

BoyWonder2

Life President⭐
Joined
Oct 25, 2003
Messages
8,170
Location
Cold Norton, Essex
I've got a horrible feeling that Shearer will save them from the drop.

He will command respect from the whole of the dressing room, and the fans are going to be right behind them. "The best fans in the world" do make it an intimidating place to go to.

Its a shame really because I hate Newcastle with a passion and would love to see them "do a Leeds".
 
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