Slipperduke
The Camden Cad
When the watching world assumes that your latest managerial recruitment is an April Fool's prank, it doesn't exactly bode well for the future. Alan Shearer must have often dreamed about the reaction he would get if he ever slipped into the St James Park hotseat, but I bet he didn't expect laughter. I was so convinced that it was all a big joke that I barely got this article in before the presses started to roll.
But apparently it's true. Shearer is in place. The fourth boss of the season. What is his actual job title though? He can't be manager, can he? Wouldn't that be a little harsh on Joe Kinnear? Mind you, even Kinnear wasn't actually the manager. He was the Interim Manager, which I suppose makes Shearer the Interim Interim Manager. Only Newcastle United could do this, which I think is why I love them so much. They are living proof that no matter how bad life is at your own club, there's always someone getting it worse somewhere.
Do they even get on? Mike Ashley has said in the past that he would never appoint an inexperienced manager, hinting that Shearer should go and cut his teeth elsewhere first. Shearer himself has repeatedly criticised Ashley for the disastrous way in which he has run the football club. They are, to put it mildly, strange bedfellows, but never underestimate the motivational powers of naked fear.
So will it work? Well, that's a tricky one. Shearer is not known for his tactical acumen. In his role as a pundit on 'Match Of The Day', the UK's most popular football show, he certainly hasn't offered any hint that he is the new Rinus Michels. His contribution is usually limited to stating the bloomin' obvious and repeating anything that Alan Hansen says, just in case it passed unnoticed first time round.
But Newcastle's perilous position doesn't call for tactical genius. It calls for a big kick up the backside. Even a Sunderland fan would have to admit that the Magpies' squad is not one of the worst three in the Premier League. There are quality players there who are under-achieving, Experienced professionals whose heads have dropped after a turbulent season on and off the field. If Shearer's arrival can spark some pride in the shirt and force the players to show some courage, then it might be enough to stave off the financial armageddon of relegation.
The fans will certainly do their bit from the stands, but don't be fooled by the instant reaction to this appointment. Not all Newcastle supporters are as daft as the feral, tracksuited simians who bounce excitedly at the TV cameras every time something happens up at St James Park. The majority of Geordies are embarrassed to be constantly represented by their knuckle-dragging brethren. Those with more than three braincells to rub together know their football and they will see this appointment for what it is. A last desperate throw of the dice from a feckless chairman who is out of options.
Football in the 21st Century is about physical conditioning, strategic mastery and the power of motivation. At a push, Shearer can bring only the latter to the table. Will it be enough for a club treading the fine line between survival and relegation, redemption and financial disaster? April Fool jokes are supposed to be funny, but you won't find many Newcastle fans laughing if this one backfires.
But apparently it's true. Shearer is in place. The fourth boss of the season. What is his actual job title though? He can't be manager, can he? Wouldn't that be a little harsh on Joe Kinnear? Mind you, even Kinnear wasn't actually the manager. He was the Interim Manager, which I suppose makes Shearer the Interim Interim Manager. Only Newcastle United could do this, which I think is why I love them so much. They are living proof that no matter how bad life is at your own club, there's always someone getting it worse somewhere.
Do they even get on? Mike Ashley has said in the past that he would never appoint an inexperienced manager, hinting that Shearer should go and cut his teeth elsewhere first. Shearer himself has repeatedly criticised Ashley for the disastrous way in which he has run the football club. They are, to put it mildly, strange bedfellows, but never underestimate the motivational powers of naked fear.
So will it work? Well, that's a tricky one. Shearer is not known for his tactical acumen. In his role as a pundit on 'Match Of The Day', the UK's most popular football show, he certainly hasn't offered any hint that he is the new Rinus Michels. His contribution is usually limited to stating the bloomin' obvious and repeating anything that Alan Hansen says, just in case it passed unnoticed first time round.
But Newcastle's perilous position doesn't call for tactical genius. It calls for a big kick up the backside. Even a Sunderland fan would have to admit that the Magpies' squad is not one of the worst three in the Premier League. There are quality players there who are under-achieving, Experienced professionals whose heads have dropped after a turbulent season on and off the field. If Shearer's arrival can spark some pride in the shirt and force the players to show some courage, then it might be enough to stave off the financial armageddon of relegation.
The fans will certainly do their bit from the stands, but don't be fooled by the instant reaction to this appointment. Not all Newcastle supporters are as daft as the feral, tracksuited simians who bounce excitedly at the TV cameras every time something happens up at St James Park. The majority of Geordies are embarrassed to be constantly represented by their knuckle-dragging brethren. Those with more than three braincells to rub together know their football and they will see this appointment for what it is. A last desperate throw of the dice from a feckless chairman who is out of options.
Football in the 21st Century is about physical conditioning, strategic mastery and the power of motivation. At a push, Shearer can bring only the latter to the table. Will it be enough for a club treading the fine line between survival and relegation, redemption and financial disaster? April Fool jokes are supposed to be funny, but you won't find many Newcastle fans laughing if this one backfires.
