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Cricko

Zone Owner
Staff member
Joined
Oct 25, 2006
Messages
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Location
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Kulula is an Airline with it's head office situated in Johannesburg . Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

Kulula's new paint scheme "Flying 101".... and some classic true stories below.












On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where

you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a

flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out

furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"


---o0o---


On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot

said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be

turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance

the appearance of your flight attendants."


----o0o---


On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your

belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's

something we'd like to have."


----o0o---


"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out

of this airplane."


---o0o---


"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business

as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."


---o0o---


As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone

voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!


---o0o---


After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a

flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening

the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as

hell everything has shifted."


---o0o---


From a Kulula employee: "Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth .

To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and

pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't

know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public

unsupervised."


---o0o---


"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend

from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your

face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask

before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one

small child, pick your favourite."


---o0o---


Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but

we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,

nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."


----o0o---


"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an

emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our

compliments."


---o0o---


"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.

Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight

attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."


---o0o---


And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is

pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in

the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"


---o0o---


Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The

flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump

and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the

airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight

attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."


---o0o---


Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and

bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight

it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies

and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats

with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our

airplane to the gate!"


---o0o---


Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:

"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to

the terminal."


---o0o---

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.

The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline.

He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.


Finally everyone had got off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"


---o0o---


After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on

with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain

Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt

against the gate. And, once the tyre smoke has cleared and the warning

bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way

through the wreckage to the terminal.."


---o0o---


Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank

you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the

insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal

tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."


---o0o---


Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke,

the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light

'em, you can smoke 'em."


---o0o---


A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . After it reached a

comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the

intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The

weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and

uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence

followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom

and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.

While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a

cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A

passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of

mine!"
 
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