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shrimper loz

First XI
Joined
Aug 4, 2005
Messages
307
Location
Leigh on sea
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize
for the delay to your service.
I know you're all dying to get home,
unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case
you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite
direction."

2) "Your delay this evening is caused by
the line controller suffering
from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow
from his backside. I'll let
you know any further information as soon as
I'm given any."

3) "Do you want the good news first or
the bad news? The good news is
that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the
town and had a great
time. The bad news is that there is a points
failure somewhere between
Stratford and East Ham, which means we
probably won't reach our
destination."

4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize
for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are
therefore stuck here for
the foreseeable future, so let's take our
minds off it and pass some
time together. All together now.... 'Ten
green bottles, hanging on a
wall.....'."

5) "We are now travelling through Baker
Street... As you can see, Baker

street is closed. It would have been nice if
they had actually told me,

so I could tell you earlier, but no, they
don't think about things like

that".

6) "Beggars are operating on this train.
Please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars. If you have any spare
change, please give it to a

registered charity. Failing that, give it to
me."

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the
Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step
right this way for the sauna,
ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels
are not provided."

8) "Let the passengers off the train
FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then,
stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I
care - I'm going home...."

9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try
not to confuse this with
'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate
instructions."

10) "Please note that the beeping noise
coming from the doors means
that the doors are about to close. It does not
mean throw yourself or
your bags into the doors."

11) "We can't move off because some
idiot has their hand stuck in the
door."

12) "To the gentleman wearing the long
grey coat trying to get on the
second carriage - what part of 'stand
clear of the doors' don't you
understand?"

13) "Please move all baggage away from
the doors." (Pause..) "Please
move ALL belongings away from the doors."
(Pause...) "This is a
personal message to the man in the brown suit
wearing glasses at the
rear of the train: Put the pie down,
Four-eyes, and move your golf
clubs away from the door before I come down
there and shove them up
your backside sideways!"

14) "May I remind all passengers that
there is strictly no smoking
allowed on any part of the Underground.
However, if you are smoking a
joint, it's only fair that you pass it
round the rest of the carriage."
 
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