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Harold Bishop Killer

Got bummed around Aus
Joined
May 7, 2008
Messages
4,600
Location
Hullbridge/Southend
There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door.

As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree, off in the distance.

As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon.

There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.

“Hey, Pepe” says the first bloke (Don Pedro). “ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!”

“You're right, amigo!” says Pepe.

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food, but as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe.

“Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?”

With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... “Ugh, run, amigo, run!! ees not a Bacon Tree........”






“Ees a Ham Bush!!!!”



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A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible/undeliverable addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God.

He thought, ”I better open this one and see what it's all about” So he opened it and it read:


“Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred pounds in it which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with.”

“I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?”

The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few pounds.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 pounds, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.

Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:


“Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of you, I was able to make a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.”



“By the way, there were 4 four pounds missing. It was probably those thieving *******s at the post office.”

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A man fell asleep on a beach one day and the wind came up and blew sand all over him until he was covered except his big toe which was left sticking out.


A nymphomaniac comes along and sees the toe sticking up and having dropped her bikini bottoms she has a good old ride on the toe, satisfied she pulls them up and leaves.


The guy wakes up and brushes off the sand and walks off home none the wiser.

Next day his toe is itching bad and he goes to see the doctor who examines the toe and declares that he has syphilis of the big toe.

“syphilis of the big toe?”he enquires, “isn't that rare?”

The doc says”yes, but if you think thats rare I had a woman in here this morning with athletes vagina”


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A pirate walks into a bar with his fly unzipped and a steering wheel down his pants. A few patrons give him funny looks as he approaches the bar. After he orders a drink, the bartender asks him,

“You know you have a steering wheel hanging from your package?”





“Ay,” the pirate responds. “It's drivin' me nuts!”


-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Whats the diffrence between a woman and a policeman with a speed gun??
















with a woman at least you can see the c**t behind the bush


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.


His father said,

“Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.”

The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked,


”Son, where are you going?”

Little Patrick told him,


“I was walking past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.


And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike!”



Happy Wednesday everybody!!
 
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