Southampton Shrimper
Team Eggheads
This morning I bought a copy of "The Pink", the local Saturday evening sports newspaper to see if there were any previews of tonight's game. The only thing they have is "The Bluffer's Guide to... Southend United". I know it's supposed to be a humorous and light-hearted article, but it does make you wonder is this what they really think of us?? But even when they're trying to give factual information they can't get it right!!!
See for yourselves....
Q: So where are we off to then?
BA (bluffer's answer): Roots Hall and Southend United - the delights of battling round the M25, Essex girls and jellied eels.
Q: What's Southend famous for?
BA: Well, the pier is one of the longest in the world, and as it's the middle of August the place will be heaving with good old Cockney types with their trousers rolled up and knotted handkerchiefs on their heads saying "Gor blimey, guvnor".
So if it's London transferred to the coast you are looking for, then Southend's your place. Apart from that, its only real contribution to the nation was its blossoming pub rock scene of the 70s with the likes of Dr Feelgood.
Q: How do we get there?
BA: ............ Take junction 30 on to the A13 eastbound, and stay on the road till you come into Southend. Roots Hall is signposted on the A127. If you hit the seafront you've gone too far.
By train the nearest station is Prittiwell [sic] and goes to Southend Central on the main London line. Both are within walking distance of the ground.
Street parking is plentiful around the ground.
Q: Where are we going to sit?
BA: Saints used to have The Bike Shed, Southend had the Universal Cycles North Stand, and it's here that Saints fans will be situated.
It's all seated, but the drawback is - like Luton - it's an old terraced end with seats bolted on to it. It has a low roof which has all the problems of pillars which obstruct views, but it means that away fans can make a lot of noise.
Q: What about a bit of refreshment?
BA: If you get there early there's always the choice of the seafront and the cockles and mussels - as well as traditional fish and chips.
At the ground, the away end has a sort of transport café arrangement with tables and chairs. Along with the usual fare you can also get chips.
For a decent battle cruiser (boozer for those non-EastEnders fans) there's the Spread Eagle and Golden Lion within a short walk. These are nearest, although there are others on the main A127.
Q: Do they speak the same language as us?
BA: With Southend being so close to the East End and, of course, being situated in Essex, it can only have one language and that's pure Alf Garnett.
Best advice is to watch the omnibus episode of EastEnders tomorrow and you should pick up the lingo double quick.
Southend is, of course, pronounced 'Sarfend' and Hs should always be dropped. All men should be addressed as 'guvnor' and women either 'duchess' or 'queen'.
Q: Who are the local heores?
BA: Southend haven't had any footballing heroes of note. Most folk support West Ham, but perhaps the biggest icons are Chas & Dave. They are, quite frankly, legends.
As you enter Southend on the A127, the first roundabout features a statue to the dynamic duo and several places are named after them, including the Gertcha Shopping Mall and Sideboard Song Square.
A quick check on their website reveals that - luckily - they aren't playing in town that night!
See for yourselves....
Q: So where are we off to then?
BA (bluffer's answer): Roots Hall and Southend United - the delights of battling round the M25, Essex girls and jellied eels.
Q: What's Southend famous for?
BA: Well, the pier is one of the longest in the world, and as it's the middle of August the place will be heaving with good old Cockney types with their trousers rolled up and knotted handkerchiefs on their heads saying "Gor blimey, guvnor".
So if it's London transferred to the coast you are looking for, then Southend's your place. Apart from that, its only real contribution to the nation was its blossoming pub rock scene of the 70s with the likes of Dr Feelgood.
Q: How do we get there?
BA: ............ Take junction 30 on to the A13 eastbound, and stay on the road till you come into Southend. Roots Hall is signposted on the A127. If you hit the seafront you've gone too far.
By train the nearest station is Prittiwell [sic] and goes to Southend Central on the main London line. Both are within walking distance of the ground.
Street parking is plentiful around the ground.
Q: Where are we going to sit?
BA: Saints used to have The Bike Shed, Southend had the Universal Cycles North Stand, and it's here that Saints fans will be situated.
It's all seated, but the drawback is - like Luton - it's an old terraced end with seats bolted on to it. It has a low roof which has all the problems of pillars which obstruct views, but it means that away fans can make a lot of noise.
Q: What about a bit of refreshment?
BA: If you get there early there's always the choice of the seafront and the cockles and mussels - as well as traditional fish and chips.
At the ground, the away end has a sort of transport café arrangement with tables and chairs. Along with the usual fare you can also get chips.
For a decent battle cruiser (boozer for those non-EastEnders fans) there's the Spread Eagle and Golden Lion within a short walk. These are nearest, although there are others on the main A127.
Q: Do they speak the same language as us?
BA: With Southend being so close to the East End and, of course, being situated in Essex, it can only have one language and that's pure Alf Garnett.
Best advice is to watch the omnibus episode of EastEnders tomorrow and you should pick up the lingo double quick.
Southend is, of course, pronounced 'Sarfend' and Hs should always be dropped. All men should be addressed as 'guvnor' and women either 'duchess' or 'queen'.
Q: Who are the local heores?
BA: Southend haven't had any footballing heroes of note. Most folk support West Ham, but perhaps the biggest icons are Chas & Dave. They are, quite frankly, legends.
As you enter Southend on the A127, the first roundabout features a statue to the dynamic duo and several places are named after them, including the Gertcha Shopping Mall and Sideboard Song Square.
A quick check on their website reveals that - luckily - they aren't playing in town that night!
