8. The Fat Lady
Well, It’s not been a good day and that’s an understatement. Just when me old mate from me England days, Gareth Southpark, has been given the keys to the City of London, I’m getting what can only be described as a colder shoulder than Theresa May at an EU Summit.
Yep, you’ll all know by now that I’m on me way, along with Matthew Kelly and Kevin Keegan. Keegs was very down. He reckoned he’d not been this low since Stan Collyflower netted that 95th minute winner at Anfield.
I guess you’ll want to know all about it, so luckily I recorded the interview with Ron this morning on me phone. I hadn’t planned to, but I pressed the wrong button when I thought I was sending a Whatsup message to old Coxy asking if he was fit for Saturday.
So, you might as well hear what was said, so here goes :-
Ron : Morning Chris. Take a seat. We’ve things to discuss.
Me : No problem Ron. I guess you’ll want to be hearing all about me Plan Q for Saturday. Yep, we are well past Plan B now, but this one’s a corker.
Ron : Well not exactly….
Me : Let me stop you there. See we need to keep a clean sheet, as we haven’t done since January and I’ve tried everything, as you know. So I thought I’d go completely defensive. Two keepers, six centre-halves and two holding midfielders. Just Charlie Kelman upfront.
Ron : Wait, Chris no …..
Me : Don’t stop me Ron. I’m on a roll. The plan is to spend the entire match in our own half and just have Charlie shooting from 60 yards. He’s been practising every day since that Plymouth match and some days we don’t even have to collect the balls from Waitrose car park. It’s a winner, trust me.
Ron : Look you don’t understand. How can I put this ... Erm, well you know I offered free coach travel on Saturday? .. Well I’m extending that to you three.
Me : What do you mean, where to?
Ron : Anywhere really. Minimum of 100 miles at least. One way.
Me : Are you, er, sacking me?
Ron : Well, sort of.
Me : But why, Ron?
Ron : Well, for a start, you’re too negative. Too depressed, You just don’t motivate the players.
Me : How can you say that? I’m full of positive vibes. Always upbeat, me.
Ron : That’s it. You just aren’t. That Wimbledon game you spent the entire match leaning on the dugout. You only needed a rollneck sweater and a cheroot and you’d pass for a cool looking Cary Grant. But this isn’t a movie. It’s League One football and the fans want more animation.
Me : Look, I can be more animated. I promise. I’ll practise a Barry Fry charge up the touchline or an arm waving Uno Armoury at that there Arsenal. I’ll even give the ref a load of abuse like Mark Hughesbox does.
Ron : It’s too late. I’ve already asked Ricky to take over.
Me : What Ricky Gervais from the Youth Team?
Ron : Yes, I’m afraid so. Time’s up Powelly.
Me : I thought I had a vote of confidence. I’d gone all Churchillian and quoted me eight cup finals speech and all that. We’ve only had one of them!
Ron : Yes and like all our cup ties, we lost it. Didn’t even have a shot on target. Their keeper might as well have been shopping in B&Q all afternoon. I’ve made me mind up. You know where the door is!
And that was it, I was on me way.
It’s hard leaving the old place a broken and disappointed man. I wish you all well. Maybe I’ll return one day as one of those old legends that the fella from Shirmpermoan invites back. I can return hopefully with me grin and wiggle it just one more time.
Until then. Good luck all.
Hang on a minute. Keegs and Kelly are still at the club. The lying f**kers!
Well, It’s not been a good day and that’s an understatement. Just when me old mate from me England days, Gareth Southpark, has been given the keys to the City of London, I’m getting what can only be described as a colder shoulder than Theresa May at an EU Summit.
Yep, you’ll all know by now that I’m on me way, along with Matthew Kelly and Kevin Keegan. Keegs was very down. He reckoned he’d not been this low since Stan Collyflower netted that 95th minute winner at Anfield.
I guess you’ll want to know all about it, so luckily I recorded the interview with Ron this morning on me phone. I hadn’t planned to, but I pressed the wrong button when I thought I was sending a Whatsup message to old Coxy asking if he was fit for Saturday.
So, you might as well hear what was said, so here goes :-
Ron : Morning Chris. Take a seat. We’ve things to discuss.
Me : No problem Ron. I guess you’ll want to be hearing all about me Plan Q for Saturday. Yep, we are well past Plan B now, but this one’s a corker.
Ron : Well not exactly….
Me : Let me stop you there. See we need to keep a clean sheet, as we haven’t done since January and I’ve tried everything, as you know. So I thought I’d go completely defensive. Two keepers, six centre-halves and two holding midfielders. Just Charlie Kelman upfront.
Ron : Wait, Chris no …..
Me : Don’t stop me Ron. I’m on a roll. The plan is to spend the entire match in our own half and just have Charlie shooting from 60 yards. He’s been practising every day since that Plymouth match and some days we don’t even have to collect the balls from Waitrose car park. It’s a winner, trust me.
Ron : Look you don’t understand. How can I put this ... Erm, well you know I offered free coach travel on Saturday? .. Well I’m extending that to you three.
Me : What do you mean, where to?
Ron : Anywhere really. Minimum of 100 miles at least. One way.
Me : Are you, er, sacking me?
Ron : Well, sort of.
Me : But why, Ron?
Ron : Well, for a start, you’re too negative. Too depressed, You just don’t motivate the players.
Me : How can you say that? I’m full of positive vibes. Always upbeat, me.
Ron : That’s it. You just aren’t. That Wimbledon game you spent the entire match leaning on the dugout. You only needed a rollneck sweater and a cheroot and you’d pass for a cool looking Cary Grant. But this isn’t a movie. It’s League One football and the fans want more animation.
Me : Look, I can be more animated. I promise. I’ll practise a Barry Fry charge up the touchline or an arm waving Uno Armoury at that there Arsenal. I’ll even give the ref a load of abuse like Mark Hughesbox does.
Ron : It’s too late. I’ve already asked Ricky to take over.
Me : What Ricky Gervais from the Youth Team?
Ron : Yes, I’m afraid so. Time’s up Powelly.
Me : I thought I had a vote of confidence. I’d gone all Churchillian and quoted me eight cup finals speech and all that. We’ve only had one of them!
Ron : Yes and like all our cup ties, we lost it. Didn’t even have a shot on target. Their keeper might as well have been shopping in B&Q all afternoon. I’ve made me mind up. You know where the door is!
And that was it, I was on me way.
It’s hard leaving the old place a broken and disappointed man. I wish you all well. Maybe I’ll return one day as one of those old legends that the fella from Shirmpermoan invites back. I can return hopefully with me grin and wiggle it just one more time.
Until then. Good luck all.
Hang on a minute. Keegs and Kelly are still at the club. The lying f**kers!
