• Welcome to the ShrimperZone forums.
    You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which only gives you limited access.

    Existing Users:.
    Please log-in using your existing username and password. If you have any problems, please see below.

    New Users:
    Join our free community now and gain access to post topics, communicate privately with other members, respond to polls, upload content and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and free. Click here to join.

    Fans from other clubs
    We welcome and appreciate supporters from other clubs who wish to engage in sensible discussion. Please feel free to join as above but understand that this is a moderated site and those who cannot play nicely will be quickly removed.

    Assistance Required
    For help with the registration process or accessing your account, please send a note using the Contact us link in the footer, please include your account name. We can then provide you with a new password and verification to get you on the site.

SCP's Blog

AndyT

Lord of the Reedy River
Joined
Aug 7, 2010
Messages
11,974
Location
Hockley
1. Jamie's Kitchen

*sniff*

I heard that me predecessor used to write a diary, keeping you all informed of his thoughts and concerns. Well, diaries are for Northerners! You won't catch me doing all that old fashioned stuff, so I've decided to write a blog thing. It'll probably sound a bit like Brown's old diaires though, without the poor Geordie accent, but probably with some faux cockney stuff thrown in. I would have done a Vlog (see, I'm all technical, I am) but I did a trial run and was proud of me efforts, only to play it back and find me webcam was facing the wrong way and had filmed the mother-in-law carving the turkey instead! .. *grin* :Smile: ........... EDIT : I don't like this blog thing, already. It's edited c*ckney thinking it's a rude word! .. No wonder Chas & Dave never did one of these things! :Unsure:

Anyway, I've had a lot of emails recently asking about some of me team selections and how I come to make them. Well, during the summer I took a walk up that pier here and when I got to the end, they were filming that Jimmy & Johnny's Kitchen Shop Show and there was me old mate Jamie Oliver taking a break from filming and leaning on the railings taking in the sea air. "Alright, mate?" I says and he replies "Well if it isn't me old mate, Cozy" .. "Yep, that's me" .. *grin* .. I says and we get talking about football as he's a keen Charlton fan. I tells him I have a dilemma on me best team to pick at Southend, as I don't have the budget they gave me at Charlton. He says, team selection is like making a cake. You have a base and then put all the ingredients in the middle and mix them up. Then stick one small tiny cherry up top. Stick it in the oven for 90 minutes and hey presto, you have a result. I says that sounds good and I'm already halfway there as I signed a bun this week! .. Jamie laughed "Yep, good luck with it Cozy. Anyway, I've got to dash as we've got that bird in off of Game of Thrones and I fancy the a**e off her!". With that, off I went with me new found ideas ringing in me head. * sniff *

As you know, I'm working alongside two old stalwarts of football. Kevin Keegan and Matthew Kelly. It's great to see Keegs back in the game. He's lost his curly perm these days and frankly doesn't look the same bloke at all. Must be that blow on the head with a baseball bat that time. That said, he comes out with things like "I'd love it if we draw Luton in the next round!" so it must be him. Matthew is that bloke off that 'Stars in their Eyes' where they get someone from a normal day time job like a baker, shelf stacker or forensic scientist and turn them into something else for the evening. Now, it would be easy for me to make a joke here about Theo being on the show, but I'm above all that! They did ask me once and said they expected me to wiggle it for the audience, but I told them that since that incident on Shooters Hill in 2003, my solicitor has advised me to rein that in, so you won't be seeing that anytime soon!

Now, the other evening I was full of praise, as you know, for those two minutes Charlie Coleman had on the pitch against Southampton Secondary Modern. He's mustard keen old Coleman (see, I do do jokes) .. *grin* .. So, after warming himself up for 76 minutes, I let him loose on The Saints and he didn't disappoint.

Unlike Norman Whalebone. Many people have been calling for him to start a match, but frankly I don't like his attitude. Not since he got served in front of me at Boots & Laces during the players evening. I was livid. Especially as he was ordering 26 cokes for the youth team! Took ages. Keegs, though, tells me you can get an app now where you just order from your table and then get some wallah to go and collect them from the bar. I said we didn't need that back in my day. We just sent old Dave Martin up there. Nobody got served in front of him, I tell ya!

Right, I need to focus on the game today. I'm going with a new system of 4-6-0 as a draw will do me and frankly, I can't fit all me midfielders in otherwise!

Enjoy the game. .. *grin* :Smile:
 
Last edited:
2. Madame Cholet

Well geezers, that was a good win last night wasn't it.

People have been questioning my team selections, of late, but they don't know the half of it. After the Crawley win, I knew Wimbledon would have seen how we played, so I did what any self-respecting manager would do after a 6-2 win. I dropped the best three players and completely changed the system, knowing that they wouldn't expect that. Turns out they hadn't even watched the match on account of the fact that they are a bit disorganised and don't have a manager. So it kind of backfired. Coupled with the fact that neither team knew which way they were kicking in the first half and we went in 1-1 with two own goals. Best laid plans and all that as they say.

Now, at this point, a lot of people feel I should be more animated and read the riot act at half-time, but I come from the Arsene Wenger school of letting the players think for themselves. I'm not a teacup throwing kind of guy. Especially since Ron banned them from the changing rooms, as too many were being smashed under Brown's rein. So much so, that I hear The Captain's Bar has to serve coffee at half-time in plastic cups! .. Oh, the humanity!

No, I let the players have a meditation and close their eyes and rest their minds. I use old Gabriel Faure's 'Pavane' and play this for 15 minutes while they all drift away. I think it settles the mind, but Keegs thinks we always start the second-half like we are on another planet! .. He might have a point, but I don't listen to him anyway, so f**k him!

Some of you may have noticed that I had to read out my team from a piece of paper before the game last night, when old Simon Smith was interviewing me. It's cos Matthew Kelly's hand-writing is so bad and I couldn't read the names, so I had to quickly scribble them down myself. He should be a doctor, that bloke. It's definitely not true that I'd just drawn it out of that tombola thing they use at half-time for the raffle winners!

Right, I'm off shortly to talk to Ron about getting me a striker. I can't trust that Theo and McClumsy's going back to Bristol City next month. He's been a bit disappointing, in truth. I had high hopes for him, but he's lacking a lot of the things I need in a footballer, like actually being able to play it for a start! .. He came highly recommended, as well, having scored a couple of goals once for Weston-Super-Mare.

Until the next time, keep up the support! .. *grin*
 
Last edited:
3. Vroom for Improvement

I’ve had a few travel problems this week and been late for training. Nile beat me in one day and he doesn’t even play for the club anymore!

Ron called me in yesterday morning and said he wouldn’t be shy in showing me the same door he showed Nile this time last year, if I don’t get me act together. I explained that I’m having problems with me car. It’s me Ford Dieng, see. It starts off OK and runs as smooth as anything, but then it starts slowing down and eventually comes to a grinding halt and I have to pull over. Only got it last summer, as well. Some Northern tykes sold me it. Never trusted them lot. Ever since I got the heave ho from Huddersfield!

Stiill, I’ve solved the problem. I got in touch with me old mate Mike, who sold me a tasty little Datsun Cherry back in the days when I was playing down here. Kevin Lock put me on to him. Good guy old Locky. So I drives over to see him at his place on Purdeys – Mike & The Mechanics. Turns out he’s selling old mopeds and scooters these days. I said I’m not sure one of those is right for me. Me being a manager these days and the like, but he says he’s got just the ticket for me. A nice little Scolari TP50. It’s got wheels, handlebars and everything. I took one look at it and fell in love. It’s the boy racer in me, see. He says you’ll be pulling all the chicks with this bad boy. Good fuel consumption, nifty round corners and a top speed of 25 miles an hour!

Well, I’ve only gone and bought it and it’s sitting proudly in me living room here. I can picture meself now. Weaving in and out of the traffic along Sutton Road. Stopping motorists for a quick, animated chat. I’ll probably not bother wearing a helmet, so I can take in all the scenery. I mean, what could possibly go wrong!

So, it’s the FA Cup again tomorrow. Takes me back to the good old days under Webby where we always made it to the 3rd Round, getting a bye in the first two rounds which Webby said was something he’d organised with the powers that be in the FA, whilst tapping his nose and giving me a collabatory wink. Those great 3rd Round days where we’d travel to the likes of Leicester, Everton, Southampton and West Ham and get knocked out without scoring a goal!

Happy days! :Happy:
 
Last edited:
4. Is there anybody out there?

It was rousing to hear the chants of “Theo, Theo” ringing around Roots Hall on Saturday when I brought him on. The fans are clearly still right behind me and what I am doing. Whatever that is!

Well, I thought it was “Theo” but old Matthew Kelly reckons that was them booing me when I took Coxy off. I mean, what do they want? They say they want more strikers so I stick 2 on for 1 off and they’re still not happy!

There’s no other thing for it, I thought. I need to get on that Shrimperzone site and really get to know what the fans think. So I logs on with me password that I got off me mate who posts on there and had a look. Blimey, I thought I’d gone on the wrong site. They’re all mad loons on there, talking about Scientology, The Buttercup Chaos Theory and Monarch Mind Control. I thought Monarch were an airline. Didn’t know they were up to that sort of thing!

I couldn’t find anything about football at all. Plenty of Kids TV shows and Christmas decorations. There was even some bloke going on about ESP. Now, I know a bit about them. You see Leroy on the Camberwell Park Estate loved old ESP. He wasn’t into the stuff us boyz in the hood liked. You know Afrika Bambootree, The Sugartops Gang and Grandmaster Flasher. He loved his old prog rock did Leroy. His favourite was Fanfare for the Common Man. He had that blaring out of his ghetto blaster all day, he did.

Anyway, never mind all that. We have our very own journey into the unknown tonight, as we are off to Luton. I say unknown, as I thought we were playing at home. I must have got my sums wrong in the last round. I said to the players earlier to boldly go where no man has gone before and they all seemed to be up for the challenge until Mants piped up and said we’ve already been to Luton this season, so it’s hardly unknown. I said I don’t remember that. We must have lost. You see, I have those results erased from my memory by the Church of the Latter Day Saints!

So, let’s hear it for the boys tonight, as Deniece Williams once said.

Oh and keep the faith, despite that thread saying not to! .. * grin *
 
Last edited:
5. Oh Come All Ye Faithful!

It’s getting very festive here at Roots Hall. The offices are decked with boughs of Holly. She’s the new Chief Executive. Holly Willowtree. Lovely girl. Just arrived back from Australia, where everything is upside down. Bit like the League One Table! .. * grin * .. Anyhow, I’ll mention her more in future, as I haven’t got much to work with here for the moment.

So anyway, I attended the Junior Blues Christmas Nativity Play yesterday. I say attended, as me and a few of the lads were actually asked to be in it! :Cool:

First up, there was me, Matthew Kelly and Keegs as the Three Wise Men. We had to follow the Star of Bethlehem, which turned out to be over Waltham Abbey, where we arrived to find Baby Isaac, our saviour! He truly is the Son of God. It’s definitely a sign! :Worthy:

Then the lads sang some Christmas Carols. They all joined in, but the kids favourites were McClumsy singing 'Little Donkey', The Ox, Turns and JW covering 'I saw Three Goals go Sailing In' and finishing up with the entire East Stand Choir and their rendition of 'Silent Night'. Brought a tear to a glass eye that did, I don’t mind admitting.

Afterwards, we all chatted with the kids. One of the cheeky ones asked if I was going to get the sack this year, but I had to disappoint him and tell him that I wouldn’t make a good Santa Claus and anyway, we weren’t going to bother this year after last year’s debacle when Nile was asked to do it and ended up delivering them on New Year’s Eve! :Facepalm:

Talking of religion, I got a letter in the post this week. Ron did too. From some fella claiming that we needed to turn to Jesus*. So I gave me old mate Pep Guacamola a call and he said we could have him on loan but the wages were £125K per week. We’d have to sell Kites, I thought, but it could work. However, Ron was having none of it and said we’ll have to make do. That John Coleface at Accrington seems to be doing alright, he reckoned, and he started out with 3 and sixpence and a string of sausages!

Saturday, in tune with the time of year, I might try a Christmas Tree formation using Tinsel and Baubles. I’ve just signed them on a free from Royal Davids City. They're in the Bostik North. I went there once and was impressed enough with what I saw, I have to say.

So, here’s praying for a miracle at Christmas! .. Keep the faith!

*(c) Special Blue on the Jesus thread
 
Last edited:
6. It’s Oh So Quiet.

Just back from a 4 day break in that there Reykjavik and getting ready for the big clash on Saturday. Nothing says Christmas more than a home match against Rochdale and I’m looking forward to it, as we all are. Those mince pies and carols will have to wait!

So, what was I doing in the land of Norsemen, I hear you ask. Well, to tell you the god’s honest, it’s Keeg’s fault. I asked him to sort me a plane ticket for the lads Christmas party. I was going to surprise them by turning up two minutes from the end as a reward for all their hard work. I even had me Father Christmas costume and everything to give out Christmas gifts, like old John Coleface did last week. What about that gesture, eh. Letting us have that throw-in. I gave him a firm handshake and he said that’s one you owe me Powelly. Perhaps you can let us have a penalty at our place, eh, whack. He said, with a wink. I says you can have a free header and count yourself lucky! .. * grin *

Anyway, so I steps off the plane and head to Reykjavik to find the lads. Wandered around that city for hours looking for O’Leary’s Hotel and Conference Center on Fitzwilliam Street with no luck, so I spots a bar – The Bjork & Cheese - and thinks I’ll ask the locals. In I walks and sitting in the corner would you believe is me old mate from me playing days – Gavin Peacock. I says what are you doing here? He says I live here now. Set up the Bjorn Again Christian Sons charity out here, do you fancy a pint? Don’t mind if I do I says and he comes back with an ice cold Lava Beer. Cheap as chips in here, Powelly, he says. This one was only £14.00. You can’t argue with those numbers can ya!?

After a while, he susses the problem. I should be in Ireland, not Iceland! FFS I thinks. I’m straight on to Matthew Kelly and he says he’ll ask Keegs what the h*ll he’s doing, once Keegs has finished watching that Liverpool v Newcastle match again. I think he thinks if he watches it enough times the score will change. A few years back he started a petition to have it replayed on account of the fact that nobody likes Fergie and everyone wanted Newcastle to win the title. The FA are still considering it, apparently!

So, old Gavin asks if I’ve come to take in some of the culture and see a couple of geysers. I says I might as well as I’m here now, so he recommends these two geezers who play for FK Klevadik. Says they are right up my street. I’d told him I wanted to strengthen the squad. He says they have a fella upfront. Good in the air. Krosttjan Onmehedsson. Has scored in every match this season. At the back there's also Olafur Lagersson, who’s looking for a move to England. Bit of a party animal, by all accounts, but a helluva player.

I parts company with the Peacock and head to the nearest hotel and book in. I’ll keep under me hat how it all went for the moment, as I haven’t told certain players they are leaving on 1st January yet. Suffice to say, I’ll be halving the wage bill, make no mistake.

Anyway, I better get on, as I have to think about me team selection for the weekend. We won 3-0, but you know me, I like to surprise a few people come 2pm Saturday!
 
Last edited:
7. Transforming Times

I don’t know whether I’ve mentioned this before, but my kids love robots. They can’t get enough of ‘em, ever since me and the good lady wife got them a Terminator XLS for Christmas a few years back.

Talking of the Terminator, that’s what the lads call old Ron, these days. He keeps threatening to terminate people’s contracts, if they don’t perform. Man, he was livid the other night. Furious he was. There I was, massaging the lads feet for them after that gruelling 90 minutes on Tuesday night when the door bursts open and Ron gives it with both barrels. “You protect these players too much!” this and “Where’s the heart in this club!” that, he yelled! Proper angry he was. Said he’d had enough of it all. What with all the wind ups going on and the less said about the caterers the better! “I don’t know what they’re complaining about. They’ve got all the best facilities money can buy. A state of the art tea bar purchased from Texas Homecare. Every month there are fresh stocks of Wagon Wheels and we clear out the spiders, while we're there! I even replaced the urn in 1999 and they get paid occasionally, too. What more do they want!” he bellowed. With that he slammed the door shut, only to re-open it, giving a parting “AND, If we don’t win on Saturday. I’LL BE BACK!!”. :Angry:

Not sure what his problem is, I thought, as I handed around the Camomile Tea and napkins to the lads.

So, Wednesday morning I thinks I’ll cheer meself and the kids up a bit by popping over to me old mate Lee, who runs Ashton Toys in Bristol. Stocks the best robots in the country he does and says I should come and take a gander at the latest models. I thinks I will as I had a couple of ones I wanted him to take a look at, as well. Very accommodating is Lee and always happy to help.

I parks up and goes in.

* Door opens setting off the bell. Lee sticks his head up from below the counter *

Lee : “Hello mate. How’s tricks?”
Me : “Not too bad at all. Yourself?”
Lee : “Mustn’t grumble. So, what can I do for ya?”
Me : “Well, it’s this Coulsky NLS I bought in the summer. It was fine to start with and the kids loved it. All action and that. But after a while it became very brittle and kept falling over at the slightest touch. In fact, it’s not been out of it’s box since October and I’d like to part-ex it if it’s OK?”
Lee : “Shouldn’t be a problem, mate. Have you got the receipt?”
Me : “Yep”

* So, I hands him it *

Lee : “I see it came as a 2 for 1 with the Moore CBL1. How are you getting on with that?”
Me : “No problems with the Moore, mate. It’s a good model. The kids snapped it’s leg the other night, but a bit of Bostik soon solved that and they should be back playing with it next week!”
Lee : “So, you want to keep the Moore CBL1, but exchange the Coulsky NLS?”
Me : “Yep. If that’s OK?”
Lee : “Anything for me old mate. No problem. It’s all under warranty. Now let me see what I’ve got”

* Rummages under counter *

Lee : “Right. I’ve got just the thing for ya. It’s the brand new Eisa L2. We’ve been trialling it in the local area and it’s proven to be a winner!”
Me : “Sounds great. Can I have it for six months to see how it goes?”
Lee : “Sure mate. It’s a Sudanese model, but those guys know how to make this sort of stuff, believe me!”
Me : “Perfect. Thanks, mate. I do have one other thing”
Lee : “No worries, son. What can I do?”
Me : “It’s these two in here. Any good to ya?”

* I places them on the counter *

Lee : “Ah the Wabo U23SUB and the Ba FL2!”

* He then takes a sharp intake of breath and leans forward, beckoning me forward too, before lowering his voice in a colluding way *

Lee : “I'll level with ya, mate. Yer see, there’s not much call for these. The Wabo is about third hand now and been rejected at the NL model stage, so they’re not making them anymore. The Ba is a French model and since Brexit we don’t touch EU stuff I’m afraid. Sorry, can’t help ya mate!”
Me : “No worries. You’ve been a great help. I’ll try C*ckerel Games in Wembley. They might take them!”

With that, I left with me Eisa L2, all smiles. I think he’ll get a great reception when I bring him home. In fact, I'll let the kids have him tomorrow afternoon. They're getting fed up just playing with the Coxy 10 all the time! :Sad:
 
Last edited:
Back
Top