Slipperduke
The Camden Cad
Kevin Keegan has gone, Mike Ashley is going and the Toon Army can no longer be relied upon to fund the senseless destruction of their football team. Newcastle United are in meltdown, slumped near the bottom of the Premier League and now, thanks to this lacklustre defeat at the hands of fellow-strugglers Tottenham Hotspur, they are out of the League Cup as well. Never before has a football club been so quickly, so publicly and so needlessly torn apart.
Just 19,743 supporters turned out for this depressing, funereal encounter, the lowest attendance at St James Park since 1992. Ashley has been at this football club only slightly longer than a year, but he has succeeded in taking them back over a decade and a half. By retaining Sam Allardyce only to sack him halfway through the season, Ashley set his own demise in motion. By hiring Keegan only to compromise the former England boss’ power with a nonsensical management structure, he completed it. The only positive move of his short, but cataclysmic tenure has been to put the club up for sale, but there is no guarantee that it will pass into hands more competent than his own. Unsurprisingly, he didn’t bother turning up for this match either.
Newcastle were startlingly bad, even by their own recent standards. Faced with a five-man Tottenham midfield, their players had neither the wit nor the confidence to threaten. Content to merely pass the ball safely through their own ranks, they contributed to a first half that was a fantastic advertisement for the game of rugby. Tottenham were equally culpable. Sapped of belief themselves, they offered nothing until the second-half introduction of Giovani finally gave them a creative outlet.
In four horrific minutes, the game was lost. First Roman Pavlyuchenko rose unopposed to head home Aaron Lennon’s cross, then Newcastle’s ploy of sliding the ball up and down the back four came undone. Fabrico Coloccini’s inept delivery put Steven Taylor under pressure and he was dispossessed by Jamie O’Hara, who gleefully crashed home the winner. Michael Owen’s late strike was no consolation and went, for the most part, unwitnessed. Many of the home fans had already given up and gone to the pub.
The strong rumours that Terry Venables is on his way to steady the ship will do nothing to improve the mood of the locals. The ‘Cockney Mafia Out’ banner that circled St James Park in mid-September must have already been forgotten. Venables is as synonymous with London as black taxi-cabs and, as he found out at Leeds United, nowhere near as popular in the north of the country as he is in the south. Newcastle fans aren’t entirely parochial, but while Keegan was afforded the patience to see out his poor start last season, they won’t be that generous for Venables.
Newcastle desperately need to get a grip. They need leadership and they need it quickly. In the past, Nottingham Forest, Manchester City and Leeds United were all supposed to be too good to go down. On the basis of this performance, the Toon Army should be very afraid.
BOREDOM - There was once an episode of The Simpsons that showed the people of Springfield at their first football match. Their initial excitement was sapped in seconds by the repeated short pass, short pass, short pass tempo of the players and, with nothing happening, they all left the stadium. That was the first half here.
HORROR TACKLE - Not so much a tackle as a flying forearm smash, but you get the picture. Roman Pavlyuchenko wasn’t amused when Fabricio Colocinni went in hard on him in the opening stages and he took his revenge by smearing the Argentine’s nose across his face.
LIONHEART - Nicky Butt isn’t one to take defeat lying down. The former Manchester United midfielder put in a typically gutsy performance, tackling hard and always looking to pass the ball forwards. It didn’t work. Nothing did for Newcastle, but at least someone out there was taking it seriously.
MAN OF THE MATCH - There weren’t many positives for either side, but the performance of Jonathan Woodgate was exemplary. His off-the line clearance from Damian Duff was good, but it was his calm, composed performance throughout that impressed the most. Best defender in England? Quite possibly.
PUNTERS RANT - At home to the team glued bottom of the table, there must have been a surge of betting on Newcastle to turn their run around here. In truth, they never even came close. This is a team heading for oblivion, so if you want to avoid a rant on Saturday, get on Blackburn now.
MATCH STATS -
NEWCASTLE
Shay Given 6, Geremi 5, Steven Taylor 5, Fabricio Coloccini 5, Sebastien Bassong 5, Damian Duff 6 (Xisco 5), Claudio Cacapa 4 (David Edgar 5), Nicky Butt 7, Charles N’Zogbia 6, Obafemi Martins 5, Michael Owen 6
TOTTENHAM
Heurelho Gomes 6, Benoit Assou-Ekotto 6, Ledley King 7, Jonathan Woodgate 8, Vedran Corluka 6, Didier Zokora 7, Gareth Bale 6 (Giovani 7), Jamie O’Hara 7, Jermaine Jenas 6, Aaron Lennon 7 (Frazier Campbell 6), Roman Pavlyuchenko 7
BOOKINGS - Butt (Newcastle), Corluka, O’Hara, Zokora, Giovani (Tottenham)
ATTENDANCE - 19,743
Just 19,743 supporters turned out for this depressing, funereal encounter, the lowest attendance at St James Park since 1992. Ashley has been at this football club only slightly longer than a year, but he has succeeded in taking them back over a decade and a half. By retaining Sam Allardyce only to sack him halfway through the season, Ashley set his own demise in motion. By hiring Keegan only to compromise the former England boss’ power with a nonsensical management structure, he completed it. The only positive move of his short, but cataclysmic tenure has been to put the club up for sale, but there is no guarantee that it will pass into hands more competent than his own. Unsurprisingly, he didn’t bother turning up for this match either.
Newcastle were startlingly bad, even by their own recent standards. Faced with a five-man Tottenham midfield, their players had neither the wit nor the confidence to threaten. Content to merely pass the ball safely through their own ranks, they contributed to a first half that was a fantastic advertisement for the game of rugby. Tottenham were equally culpable. Sapped of belief themselves, they offered nothing until the second-half introduction of Giovani finally gave them a creative outlet.
In four horrific minutes, the game was lost. First Roman Pavlyuchenko rose unopposed to head home Aaron Lennon’s cross, then Newcastle’s ploy of sliding the ball up and down the back four came undone. Fabrico Coloccini’s inept delivery put Steven Taylor under pressure and he was dispossessed by Jamie O’Hara, who gleefully crashed home the winner. Michael Owen’s late strike was no consolation and went, for the most part, unwitnessed. Many of the home fans had already given up and gone to the pub.
The strong rumours that Terry Venables is on his way to steady the ship will do nothing to improve the mood of the locals. The ‘Cockney Mafia Out’ banner that circled St James Park in mid-September must have already been forgotten. Venables is as synonymous with London as black taxi-cabs and, as he found out at Leeds United, nowhere near as popular in the north of the country as he is in the south. Newcastle fans aren’t entirely parochial, but while Keegan was afforded the patience to see out his poor start last season, they won’t be that generous for Venables.
Newcastle desperately need to get a grip. They need leadership and they need it quickly. In the past, Nottingham Forest, Manchester City and Leeds United were all supposed to be too good to go down. On the basis of this performance, the Toon Army should be very afraid.
BOREDOM - There was once an episode of The Simpsons that showed the people of Springfield at their first football match. Their initial excitement was sapped in seconds by the repeated short pass, short pass, short pass tempo of the players and, with nothing happening, they all left the stadium. That was the first half here.
HORROR TACKLE - Not so much a tackle as a flying forearm smash, but you get the picture. Roman Pavlyuchenko wasn’t amused when Fabricio Colocinni went in hard on him in the opening stages and he took his revenge by smearing the Argentine’s nose across his face.
LIONHEART - Nicky Butt isn’t one to take defeat lying down. The former Manchester United midfielder put in a typically gutsy performance, tackling hard and always looking to pass the ball forwards. It didn’t work. Nothing did for Newcastle, but at least someone out there was taking it seriously.
MAN OF THE MATCH - There weren’t many positives for either side, but the performance of Jonathan Woodgate was exemplary. His off-the line clearance from Damian Duff was good, but it was his calm, composed performance throughout that impressed the most. Best defender in England? Quite possibly.
PUNTERS RANT - At home to the team glued bottom of the table, there must have been a surge of betting on Newcastle to turn their run around here. In truth, they never even came close. This is a team heading for oblivion, so if you want to avoid a rant on Saturday, get on Blackburn now.
MATCH STATS -
NEWCASTLE
Shay Given 6, Geremi 5, Steven Taylor 5, Fabricio Coloccini 5, Sebastien Bassong 5, Damian Duff 6 (Xisco 5), Claudio Cacapa 4 (David Edgar 5), Nicky Butt 7, Charles N’Zogbia 6, Obafemi Martins 5, Michael Owen 6
TOTTENHAM
Heurelho Gomes 6, Benoit Assou-Ekotto 6, Ledley King 7, Jonathan Woodgate 8, Vedran Corluka 6, Didier Zokora 7, Gareth Bale 6 (Giovani 7), Jamie O’Hara 7, Jermaine Jenas 6, Aaron Lennon 7 (Frazier Campbell 6), Roman Pavlyuchenko 7
BOOKINGS - Butt (Newcastle), Corluka, O’Hara, Zokora, Giovani (Tottenham)
ATTENDANCE - 19,743
