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reason, honour, integrity
Apr 12, 2006
Not here
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on
Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the
afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of
virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25%
this April from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in
recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of
virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs
or (B. O. O. M). responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to
its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary
Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves
to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be
treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently
resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize
with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet
their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day
Jihad in a competitive marketplace.
"Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in
the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and
laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell
3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in the North of England, and
the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect
their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".
Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to
the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle - now that Muslims
know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.