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In the event of a terrorist attack, you will need to react quickly. Please read the following carefully.
<span style='color:red'>1. IF YOU ARE EVER TRAPPED ON A PLANE WITH SOMEONE WHO APPEARS TO BE A MUSLIM AND/OR A HIJACKER:</span>
Do not panic. Often young Muslim men are not terrorists. Treat the man with respect, and get a seat close to him. Explain to him calmly and respectfully that his Allah is a false god and that he should consider converting to a different religion.
BE UNDERSTANDING OF OTHER CULTURES. His culture is one that respects strength, so while you are giving your speech you should roll up your sleeve to reveal your bulging bicep, and flex it slowly while caressing it with your other hand.
<span style='color:red'>2. IF YOU SHOULD BE A VICTIM OF A HIJACKING:</span>
REMAIN CALM.
If you have a superhero alter-ego, change into it now.
If not, DO NOT TRY TO CONFRONT THE HIJACKERS. Remember, you will most likely not have a firearm to counter the threat, unless you yourself were planning a hijacking on the same flight.
Therefore, you should pick out one captor and calmly speak to him one-on-one, away from the group.
"If you can get one assailant away from the fatalistic mentality of the pack, you can begin a dialogue," says hostage expert and psychologist Dr. Daniel Hoffstra. "Remind him that you are both merely men, and perhaps demonstrate that by quickly and discreetly showing him your penis. Tell him you share the same interests, mention that you have just converted to Islam. Then, speaking soothingly, place both hands gently on the sides of the hijacker's head and snap his neck with a quick twisting motion."
Hide the body and take the dead man's gun. Take his shoes if you need them.
<span style='color:red'>REMEMBER!</span>
<span style='color:red'>"DON'T FORGET TO SEARCH HIM FOR EXTRA AMMUNITION!"</span>
<span style='color:red'>3. ASSESS YOUR SITUATION:</span>
"You have to realize, these people have planned their attack for months or years. They've left nothing to chance," says terrorism expert Jonathan Landeros, author of Taking Back Your Office Building from International Terror. "But there's one passenger they haven't counted on, who doesn't play by the rules. Someone not content to lay down and die in the explosion, but who will rather run and dive away from it, in slow motion."
Next, ask yourself, what are the hijacker's goals? Do they intend to crash the plane, or ransom the hostages?
If the terrorists' intention is to crash the plane: You'll have no choice but to use your guile and martial arts skills to take out the terrorists one by one. Save the most devious and devilishly charismatic assailants for last. If the terrorists have a bomb, strap it to one of the hijackers and toss him out of the landing gear hatch. On his way down, shout to him, "be sure to tell Allah that America is da bomb!"
Always be aware of your environment. "Hand-to-hand combat aboard an airliner is a completely different game altogether," says Fifty Ways to Kill on an Airplane author Kenneth Southerfield. "Your first instinct will be to do a lot of backflips, helicopter punches and cartwheel kicks. But those require a great deal of headroom in the fighting arena, something you do not have inside the plane's fuselage."
Limit your repertoire to short punches and crotch-kneeings. Save the more elaborate moves for once you are out on the wing, dueling with the terrorist ringleader.
If the terrorists' intention is to ransom the hostages: See above.
<span style='color:red'>4. ONCE YOU ARE FIGHTING WITH THE TERRORIST RINGLEADER ON THE WING OF THE PLANE:</span>
Be aware of the wind factor. Remember, you'll have air rushing past you at 600 miles-per-hour. And stay away from those engines!
"The airline engine presents a duel problem," says Michael Zarzakov, author of Practical Wingfighting, 4th Edition. "The intakes are ******* air into the razor-sharp spinning turbofan engines, the exaust is hot enough to turn a ten-pound turkey into a charcoal briquette."
Zarzakov says a good tactic is to point past the terrorist's shoulder and say "look! Allah is flying behind the plane!" When he turns, shove him off the leading edge of the wing and into the engine. Timing and reaction is everything, as you'll have only a split second to say "you're about to meet a big fan of Allah... a turbo fan!" before the blades shred him into vaporized salsa.
<span style='color:red'>5. IF YOU ARE EVER TRAPPED ON A PLANE WITH A NON-MUSLIM HIJACKER:</span>
N/A
<span style='color:red'>6. DEALING WITH WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION:</span>
You must be aware that in these lone man vs. terrorists situations, the level of jeopardy tends to rise each time it appears the danger has been averted. For instance, it will be now that you'll realize there was an Iraqi suitcase nuke in the luggage compartment the whole time. Things will be quite tense as you race the clock to defuse the device, the government bigwigs on the ground debating over whether they should crash you into the ocean or give the ragtag, scrappy passenger a chance to save the day. Here the attractive stewardess you met earlier will probably be of help, you cutting the red wire with her nail file with .0001 seconds left on the nuclear clock.
Maintaining morale is all-important in situations like this. It is now that you should turn toward the stewardess, smile, and say "I wasn't worried! I knew this was a no smoking flight!"
If the weapon of mass destruction should be a biological agent such as Smallpox, or a chemical agent such as nerve gas:
DO NOT OPEN THE CONTAINER.
If you've already opened it:
Do you have the ability to transport yourself back in time? If so, travel back to the time before you opened it and try NOT OPENING IT THIS TIME.
Take the container home with you. Just in case.
<span style='color:red'>7. LANDING THE PLANE:</span>
Since the pilots have long ago been killed, it will likely be up to you and the attractive stewardess to land the plane. With fuel low, weight is your enemy here. Try tossing the passengers overboard before you begin your descent.
<span style='color:red'>REMEMBER!</span>
<span style='color:red'>"IF YOU CAN LAND THE PASSENGERS ON THE RUNWAY,
THEIR SPLATTERED CORPSES WILL SOFTEN YOUR LANDING!" </span>
Congratulations! You've made it. However, studies prove that once you've escaped a terrorist attack, the chances of it happening to you a second or even a third time increase exponentially. Just remember that there are only three ways to fight terror:
1. Be vigilant
2. Be vigilant
3. Be viligant
The first two are the most important.
<span style='color:red'>1. IF YOU ARE EVER TRAPPED ON A PLANE WITH SOMEONE WHO APPEARS TO BE A MUSLIM AND/OR A HIJACKER:</span>
Do not panic. Often young Muslim men are not terrorists. Treat the man with respect, and get a seat close to him. Explain to him calmly and respectfully that his Allah is a false god and that he should consider converting to a different religion.
BE UNDERSTANDING OF OTHER CULTURES. His culture is one that respects strength, so while you are giving your speech you should roll up your sleeve to reveal your bulging bicep, and flex it slowly while caressing it with your other hand.
<span style='color:red'>2. IF YOU SHOULD BE A VICTIM OF A HIJACKING:</span>
REMAIN CALM.
If you have a superhero alter-ego, change into it now.
If not, DO NOT TRY TO CONFRONT THE HIJACKERS. Remember, you will most likely not have a firearm to counter the threat, unless you yourself were planning a hijacking on the same flight.
Therefore, you should pick out one captor and calmly speak to him one-on-one, away from the group.
"If you can get one assailant away from the fatalistic mentality of the pack, you can begin a dialogue," says hostage expert and psychologist Dr. Daniel Hoffstra. "Remind him that you are both merely men, and perhaps demonstrate that by quickly and discreetly showing him your penis. Tell him you share the same interests, mention that you have just converted to Islam. Then, speaking soothingly, place both hands gently on the sides of the hijacker's head and snap his neck with a quick twisting motion."
Hide the body and take the dead man's gun. Take his shoes if you need them.
<span style='color:red'>REMEMBER!</span>
<span style='color:red'>"DON'T FORGET TO SEARCH HIM FOR EXTRA AMMUNITION!"</span>
<span style='color:red'>3. ASSESS YOUR SITUATION:</span>
"You have to realize, these people have planned their attack for months or years. They've left nothing to chance," says terrorism expert Jonathan Landeros, author of Taking Back Your Office Building from International Terror. "But there's one passenger they haven't counted on, who doesn't play by the rules. Someone not content to lay down and die in the explosion, but who will rather run and dive away from it, in slow motion."
Next, ask yourself, what are the hijacker's goals? Do they intend to crash the plane, or ransom the hostages?
If the terrorists' intention is to crash the plane: You'll have no choice but to use your guile and martial arts skills to take out the terrorists one by one. Save the most devious and devilishly charismatic assailants for last. If the terrorists have a bomb, strap it to one of the hijackers and toss him out of the landing gear hatch. On his way down, shout to him, "be sure to tell Allah that America is da bomb!"
Always be aware of your environment. "Hand-to-hand combat aboard an airliner is a completely different game altogether," says Fifty Ways to Kill on an Airplane author Kenneth Southerfield. "Your first instinct will be to do a lot of backflips, helicopter punches and cartwheel kicks. But those require a great deal of headroom in the fighting arena, something you do not have inside the plane's fuselage."
Limit your repertoire to short punches and crotch-kneeings. Save the more elaborate moves for once you are out on the wing, dueling with the terrorist ringleader.
If the terrorists' intention is to ransom the hostages: See above.
<span style='color:red'>4. ONCE YOU ARE FIGHTING WITH THE TERRORIST RINGLEADER ON THE WING OF THE PLANE:</span>
Be aware of the wind factor. Remember, you'll have air rushing past you at 600 miles-per-hour. And stay away from those engines!
"The airline engine presents a duel problem," says Michael Zarzakov, author of Practical Wingfighting, 4th Edition. "The intakes are ******* air into the razor-sharp spinning turbofan engines, the exaust is hot enough to turn a ten-pound turkey into a charcoal briquette."
Zarzakov says a good tactic is to point past the terrorist's shoulder and say "look! Allah is flying behind the plane!" When he turns, shove him off the leading edge of the wing and into the engine. Timing and reaction is everything, as you'll have only a split second to say "you're about to meet a big fan of Allah... a turbo fan!" before the blades shred him into vaporized salsa.
<span style='color:red'>5. IF YOU ARE EVER TRAPPED ON A PLANE WITH A NON-MUSLIM HIJACKER:</span>
N/A
<span style='color:red'>6. DEALING WITH WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION:</span>
You must be aware that in these lone man vs. terrorists situations, the level of jeopardy tends to rise each time it appears the danger has been averted. For instance, it will be now that you'll realize there was an Iraqi suitcase nuke in the luggage compartment the whole time. Things will be quite tense as you race the clock to defuse the device, the government bigwigs on the ground debating over whether they should crash you into the ocean or give the ragtag, scrappy passenger a chance to save the day. Here the attractive stewardess you met earlier will probably be of help, you cutting the red wire with her nail file with .0001 seconds left on the nuclear clock.
Maintaining morale is all-important in situations like this. It is now that you should turn toward the stewardess, smile, and say "I wasn't worried! I knew this was a no smoking flight!"
If the weapon of mass destruction should be a biological agent such as Smallpox, or a chemical agent such as nerve gas:
DO NOT OPEN THE CONTAINER.
If you've already opened it:
Do you have the ability to transport yourself back in time? If so, travel back to the time before you opened it and try NOT OPENING IT THIS TIME.
Take the container home with you. Just in case.
<span style='color:red'>7. LANDING THE PLANE:</span>
Since the pilots have long ago been killed, it will likely be up to you and the attractive stewardess to land the plane. With fuel low, weight is your enemy here. Try tossing the passengers overboard before you begin your descent.
<span style='color:red'>REMEMBER!</span>
<span style='color:red'>"IF YOU CAN LAND THE PASSENGERS ON THE RUNWAY,
THEIR SPLATTERED CORPSES WILL SOFTEN YOUR LANDING!" </span>
Congratulations! You've made it. However, studies prove that once you've escaped a terrorist attack, the chances of it happening to you a second or even a third time increase exponentially. Just remember that there are only three ways to fight terror:
1. Be vigilant
2. Be vigilant
3. Be viligant
The first two are the most important.
