• Welcome to the ShrimperZone forums.
    You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which only gives you limited access.

    Existing Users:.
    Please log-in using your existing username and password. If you have any problems, please see below.

    New Users:
    Join our free community now and gain access to post topics, communicate privately with other members, respond to polls, upload content and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and free. Click here to join.

    Fans from other clubs
    We welcome and appreciate supporters from other clubs who wish to engage in sensible discussion. Please feel free to join as above but understand that this is a moderated site and those who cannot play nicely will be quickly removed.

    Assistance Required
    For help with the registration process or accessing your account, please send a note using the Contact us link in the footer, please include your account name. We can then provide you with a new password and verification to get you on the site.

The funniest thing you have ever seen.

Mad Cyril

Proud sponsor of Mark Molesley's white trainersā­
Joined
Oct 29, 2003
Messages
18,255
Location
Flavour country
Christmas eve 1986. I was walking down an absolutely rammed Southend high street behind a couple. The man was arguing with the woman and waving his arms around wildly. He was so preoccupied he didn't notice a huge pile of vomit on the pavement...

As he stepped into it he lost traction and slipped over in spectacular fashion landing flat on his back in the pool of sick. Unfortunately every time he tried to get up his hand or foot slipped and he fell back into the vomit getting absolutely covered. By this time a large crowd were crying with laughter including the chaps wife/girlfriend.

The poor ******* didn't take it too well and when back on his feet stormed off presumably to buy a change of clothes from Concept Man.
 

Benfleet A1

Hector Of The House
Joined
Jan 19, 2007
Messages
8,314
Location
Slade Prison
I was making a drop up in Southall one afternoon and was parked outside a small wholesale type shop. A orca fat Pakistani chap came strolling out of the shop looking completely at ease with his lot, strolling along without a care in the world. Then a woman came struggling out with the worlds biggest bag of potatoes on her shoulder which had her bent double from the weight so much so that her nose was almost scrapping the pavement. I just loved the way he turned around and gave her a hurry up wave as he crossed the road while she was getting ever lower.
 

South Bank Hank

šŸ‘ā­
Joined
Nov 4, 2003
Messages
14,746
Location
Rayleigh
Business Development meeting and one of the team is about to present to the group. The company's leadership team is present with a good mix of male and female - about 12 of us in total. He connects his laptop to the wall-mounted monitor through a cable on the desk but it's not working (as is usual if you've ever done this) so someone offers to help. While they're fiddling around at the back of his laptop, he pops out to grab a drink from the kitchen which is literally next door to the conference room.

Long story short: the monitor cracks into life and the person sorting his laptop moves it over to where the guy presenting will be sitting when he comes back. As she picks up the laptop she accidentally touches the CD eject button on the side and it ejects, just a little bit. Natural reaction is to close the drawer. All good.

...until the CD auto-starts and launches the menu of the porn DVD that's in the machine.

Consensus was to click on the first chapter and watch it on the big screen until he comes back in. It was quite good as I remember rightly...

:thumbsup:
 

Pubey

Guest
Bluetonic vs Aberdeen Shrimper

paxman_jeremy1.jpg
 

BrettieAngell

THE ROCK GOD
Joined
Oct 26, 2003
Messages
19,642
Location
Southend
One year at Wacken (a metal festival in germany I went to a few times), it had ****ed down on the first day and I remember negotiating our way through the campsite later on which had been turned into a bit of a quagmire. Anyway we saw this guy who was holding a bunch of cans of beer in his arms and had slipped but managed to stay on his feet and then preceded to keep slipping but still staying on his feet for I don't even know how long, he never let go off the beers and was somehow able to walk away without winding up face first in the mud it was so ****ing funny to watch!
 

Special Blue

Coachā­
Joined
Aug 13, 2010
Messages
1,459
Some 7/8 weeks ago at Audley End.
Every year there is an 80's picnic featuring 80's acts, a festival for middle age sad people (I loved it).
You get there early afternoon with lots of drink and chicken drumsticks, There is catering but in Saffron walden you find most will take their own Champagne and canapes.
Some like to go in 80's themed fancy dress ( Relax t-shirt,Super Mario,Shoulder pads) etc.
7 o'clock Johnny hates jazz performing their hit,I need a pee,mobile toilet,3 urinals, big mirror above, centre one free result!
Like everyone should have gone a little earlier! Guy to my left leaves,to my right is ****ing for England.
Hear someone come in but not go next to me(other toilets were vacant), Look in the mirror as I do matey next to me says "**** me it's Superman!"
Looking in the mirror I could see He was panicking and couldn't get his suit down.
I couldn't help for laughing,Luckily nobody came in as I was in hysterics and matey was trying to remove his costume.
It got worse as matey told all the girls coming out the Ladies he'd just saved Superman.
 

Uncle Leo

This cook is an anti-semite
Joined
Nov 19, 2003
Messages
23,031
Location
NY Parks Dept
Mate was dressed as a baby on his stag do last year. Very late on, myself and the other best man were dragging him home - he was half asleep, but just about able to walk - when a Scottish woman, probably in her 50s, came up to him and started taking the ****.

He said "Go away you horrible old c**t
So she threw her drink all over him (and me)
So he tried to kick her up the arse
So she pulled a small palm tree out of a planter and shoved it muddy end first straight in to his face
 

EastStandBlue

Life President
Joined
May 29, 2005
Messages
15,477
One of the lads I lived with at Uni was a bit of a scrimper. Lovely guy and never shied a round, but if he could save money somehow he'd be all over it. Coupons, special offers, deals, the lot. He stumbled across this website that sold food in between its sell-by and best before dates. Not your everyday foodstuffs, but things like six-pack bottles of coke, spices, things you'd usually find at Macro.

He ordered Ā£50 of stuff and was chuffed to bits. He thought he'd stocked his shelves for the term on a pittance and had the rest of his student loan to **** away. About two days later he had a call from the owner of this store informing him that he'd paid for 15kg of delivery but only used 7, so wondered if he wanted some stock that he had to get rid of entirely for free. My flatmate, of course, gladly accepted.

We were taking the **** a bit over the next few days saying that he had no idea what was coming, for all he knew it could be animal food, an entire pig or simply a load of ***** that nobody in their right mind would eat. He was steadfast in his opinion that he'd found a stunning deal, and we'd all be doing the same once it arrived.

The next week I was at the gym and got a call from another flatmate. "Mate, you've got to get back, this is hilarious".

I rushed home wondering what had happened. The delivery had been made and it was all in nondescript brown boxes. The first few had been opened and it was all what he'd ordered. He'd apparently started to laud it a bit while opening the first box which was full of Polish delicacies. Really bizarre stuff.

He opened the next box and staring back at him was a 5kg bag of 'Rufus, food for working dogs' staring back at him. Not even Pedigree Chum, but this presumably steroid-enhanced formula to make dogs as strong as they can for the fields. By the time I got back he was sulking upstairs as he couldn't take the jokes any more. I was on the phone to another flatmate telling him what'd happened and I heard this booming shout downstairs "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'VE RANG HIM, JUST TO SAY THAT. IT'S NOT EVEN ****ING FUNNY."

The jibes went on for weeks, and we refused to let him throw any of it away. Every time he tried to remove it, we'd sneak it back into the house. It got so bad that we started taking bits of it out with us on nights out, and coming back with it all in a pint glass for him instead of a drink.

It all came to a head while we were all away at Easter. Our land lady decided to a surprise spot check on the place and found it, in typical student fashion, to be a bit of a tip and a bag of half-used dog food. None of us were around and I was the point of contact for her, and I got a letter sent to my home address which included a very specific rant about her explicitly saying we weren't allowed pets in the house, that we'd betrayed her trust and that either the dog had to go, or we did.

It was framed and put on the wall, serving as permanent reminder not to buy **** from the internet and that if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is.
 

A Century United

Firewalking for HD
Joined
Jan 26, 2007
Messages
10,004
Commuting from near Stratford-upon-Avon to Oxford back in 1988 or 89, I saw a queue of traffic ahead so dived down a side road, and made my way by the country lanes to where I had, perforce, to rejoin the A34, at Long Compton. Unfortunately, the accident that had resulted in the queue had taken place in Long Compton itself, so though I was the only car waiting at the junction, ahead of me was a car on its roof, a police photographer and some policemen. To my right the road climbed up a hill, at the bottom of which was a police car pulled across the A34 to stop the traffic and further up the hill a Fire Engine parked facing down towards the police car. Beyond that was the held-up traffic, and several of the drivers were congregated there watching events. My hope now was that the road would soon be cleared and I would be allowed to pull out ahead of the waiting jam.

As I watched a large Manitou fork lift picked up the wreck and started backing into a nearby yard, and one of the policemen turned to the watching Fire crew and asked them to hose down the road. They turned to their Fire engine, and started to pull out the hose. So far so good, but then suddenly a chorus of panicky shouting started - I turned my head to see the Fire engine starting to roll slowly down the hill while Firemen hung all over it trying futilely to hold it back. 6 Firemen vs 7 tons of tender was an unequal contest, and the Fire engine rolled inexorably down the slope until it slammed into the parked police car, shunting it a a good ten feet and incidentally bending it into an impressive banana shape.

The police camera man, very impressively, never missed a beat, swinging slowly around from photographing the car and without lowering his camera starting to methodically take pictures of the entwined emergency vehicles. The Firemen were all, to a man walking away from the scene as if to say "Fire engine? Na, not mine mate!" an attitude rendered futile by the large word FIRE across their donkey jackets. And for the first and only time in my life I witnessed grown men literally rolling on the ground crying with laughter as the drivers who had left their vehicles realised what had happened in front of them.

The only down side of the whole event (apart from the extra wait while they pulled the fire engine out of the side of the police car and the police car, in its turn, was Manitoued away) was that I dare not crack even so much as a smile, for fear that the Policeman directing the traffic would allow the entire queue on the A34 to pass before letting me out of my side road....
 
Top