The PB Diaries

[AndyT]

Wey aye, pets. PB, here.

I've decided to dispense with me programme notes for 2017 as, let's face it, who buys a programme these days. Waste of money. Whoops I shouldn't be saying that, should I? But we all know only programme collectors and loons buy programmes and they don't even open them, as they'll lose value. It's all online stuff nowadays. Long throw from my day, when people walked miles to buy a programme. Aye, champion times they were.

Anyway, where was I? .. Reet, here's me notes for this week. I'll dispense with the poor attempt at a Geordie accent from now on, as it takes too long to Google the words!

Saturday 7th January 2017

We've got Sheffield United at home today. I was told it'll be a packed house, otherwise I wouldn't have agreed to switching the match. I had a week in Tenerife booked away for the lads for some warm weather training and a chance to top up the old boat race. See, I'm learning the lingo, down here, already!

I've decided to change the formation. Yep, I know what you're thinking. Why change a winning formula and against the top side, as well, but this fella doesn't conform to the norm. That's why I'm still in demand. Rotherham were after me only last month, apparently... and who wouldn't want to go there, eh? .. Most people, by the looks of things! :smile:

I've got a cunning plan to thwart Wilder's tactics of beating every f***er in the league. I'm going to play top scorer, Coxy, in midfield. I could try McGlash, but he can't defend and I could try Hines, but he can't do anything. Well, not yet, anyway.

I've got a great feeling about today.

Sunday 8th January 2017

Well, f**k a duck, that went well! :facepalm:

They were way too good for us, yesterday.

No doubt some on that Shrimperzone I've heard about will blame Ted, but I know better than that and I've decided to blame meself, like a good honest pro would .. oh, and the whole team for not turning up, certain individuals for falling asleep at set-pieces, the chairman for not letting me buy who I wanted and the chairman again for agreeing to re-arrange the fixture and Wilder for not being fair and turning up with Real Madrid, instead of his normal side.

Monday 9th January 2017

Just read that I didn't win Manager of the Month for December. Bl**dy Keith Hill won it. I thought they didn't give trophies out to Northern clubs. Being sponsored by SKY and that. I'm fuming!

At least that Jay Simpson deal should go through today. That'll please the fans.

Tuesday 10th January 2017

Another sh*te day.

Apparently Simpson doesn't want to play for us. He's signed for Philadelphia Union. F**k me, who are they? Sounds like some sort of Bank. Maybe he's given up playing football. He certainly did for Orient. LOL :smile:

Good news, though. Cokes is fit and wants to play on Saturday. I'm well pleased, although him and Wordy will start arguing over who takes the free-kicks again. It's so childish. I told them that they have to sort it out like men, with a good old conker fight. That's how we did it when I played for Bolton.

Wednesday 11th January 2017

Nile's in court today.

We all know he's innocent, so I expect them to drop the charges and offer him compensation for them wasting his time.

More managers sacked. Three in our division this week. I think I'm one of the only ones left from the start of the season .. What does Shaun Goater know, eh?

Thursday 12th January 2017

What a clown. He only went and pleaded guilty! :facepalm:Doesn't he listen to what I say, at all? .. Always blame everyone else. That's my motto!

Ron won't be happy.

He'll have to go down to Earls Hall Primary School again to get them to write a club statement. He hates doing that, as the kids ask stupid questions like "Who are you, Mister?".

If things didn't seem bad enough, Ben called me this afternoon and said that Macca's out for two months. That's a disaster. Those 'zone guys will be demanding I bring in Raheem Sterling to fill the gap. They just don't understand that money doesn't grow on trees around here. HMRC normally take it, before it does!

Friday 13th January 2017

It had to be Friday 13th, didn't it.

Yep, I guess you've all heard the news that Nile is in trouble again!

No idea what he's done now. They won't tell me. Probably the RSPCA again. He really should feed that horse of his!

I don't think things can get any worse. At least we've got an away game tomorrow, to get away from it all.

Hang on. We're at home. Bl**dy hell. Don't we ever play away!... and it's Rochdale. We never beat them and I'll have that lunatic, Hill, shining that Manager of the Month Trophy in my face to annoy me. I hate football!

 

[madaboutblues]

Wish there was a "best ever post of the year" button as "like" just doesn't do this justice :clap::clap:

 

[MK Shrimper]

Wish there was a "best ever post of the year" button as "like" just doesn't do this justice :clap::clap:

13 days in, not a very high bar to reach :hilarious: :winking: :omg:

 

[madaboutblues]

OK smarty pants :winking:, I thought that after I posted it and was going to change it to "best post ever" but I can't now coz you've quoted me :sad:

 

[MK Shrimper]

OK smarty pants :winking:, I thought that after I posted it and was going to change it to "best post ever" but I can't now coz you've quoted me :sad:

I aim to please :smile:

 

[Magnum PI]

Disappointed to not see one "if truth be known"...

 

[Suffolk Shrimper In Dorset]

Disappointed to not see one "if truth be known"...

Correct. I suspect the diary must be a spoof.

 

[OldBlueLady]

OK smarty pants :winking:, I thought that after I posted it and was going to change it to "best post ever" but I can't now coz you've quoted me :sad:

There's always the good old rep button though, I did try to green the post but have to "spread it around" first!

 

[AndyT]

Saturday 14th January 2017

Matchday and I hope everyone is as excited as I am to be playing Rochdale!

It'll be good to focus on the football, after a turbulent week.

A lot of people have been asking me what's going on. I assume they're meaning about Nile and not just generally. I think it's only right, therefore, that I should make an announcement, so I can categorically say that I haven't the foggiest what's happening. I hope that clears a few people's minds.

I guess you are also all eager to know the team news and I can promise there'll be a couple of changes today, after last week. I can't say what they are yet, due to league rules and the fact that I don't know what they'll be meself, but rest assured I won't be making the same mistake as last week and picking three forwards. Mainly because I haven't got that many!

I see my old friend, Ray Lewis, is refereeing today. I was surprised to hear he is still refereeing, as he must be in his 70's now, but as long as he keeps up with play and doesn't send me off, I'll be a happy man.

Ray comes from Great Bookham and man alive did he "book 'em" back in the day (I bet no-one's made that joke before).

I remember a Division 4 match I was playing in for Bolton, against Bournemouth (whatever happened to them 'eh?). Up front for them was Trevor Aylott and big Sam had been calling him a big girl's blouse all afternoon, on account of his curly perm. Aylott had had enough and started a fight, following a corner and everyone piled in. Ray intervened and booked 10 of our players. He even booked a fella who wasn't playing and was sat in the stands with a broken leg! Happy Days!

Anyway, enjoy the match and don't forget to wrap up warm today, as it's going to be a cold and frosty atmosphere at the Hall this afternoon. Especially if we go 4-1 down again!

Up the Blues!

 

[AndyT]

Sunday 15th January 2017

Well, that was never in doubt, was it, guys?

I must admit, though, that was torture watching that yesterday. I'm not talking about the game. It's me new shoes! Horts went out and got the wrong size for me. Me feet are killing me, standing there on the touchline all afternoon in two sizes too small. That's the last time I get him to order anything!

I told yer, yesterday, didn't I, that that Ray Lewis isn't called "book 'em" for nothing. I've no idea what got into him. I thought I'd lighten the mood, just before half-time, by shouting "I bet you're staying down in Southend tonight, Ray? .. No doubt you've booked that 'an all!". It kind of back-fired though, cos he could have sent 6 of their players off and that's no exaggeration, but he decided to keep his cards in his pocket after half-time. That's the last time I try and get on with a ref.

I saw, this morning, that Keith Hill was none too impressed either. Coming out with some old nonsense about having the referee for a meal and not paying for it. Well, that's all well and good Keith, but down this way, you'll be lucky to get in any decent restaurants dressed in scruffy jeans. You've got to look the part. Why do you think I wear these posh suits!

I think me team changes worked. McGlash was brilliant all afternoon, until he was sent-off after 20 minutes!

Anyway, another week starts tomorrow. Those fans will be expecting loads of activity in the transfer window and they won't be disappointed. Only problem is, none of it will be down here!

 

[AndyT]

Monday 16th January 2017

Not much to report, except that Ryan Inniss was back in training again today, which was good to see.

I'll be honest, I'd forgotten he still plays for us. It was only when Coghs pointed out who he was, that the penny dropped!

Tuesday 17th January 2017

So, what about those two announcements from the club, last night, eh!

£4 million for Dan Bentley! :cool:. I'll be speaking to Ron this morning and I'm sure he'll agree to me approaching Chelsea and putting a down-payment on Diego Costa. He'll be a good honest hard-working pro and a role model to the younger lads at the club. Can't see him getting in any trouble at all. A safe move, if ever there was one, I think you'll all agree. I know he'll be happy on £1,000 a week, as well.

Talking about trouble, I guess you all saw the statement last night about how Nile's been treated by the FA?

When they called me yesterday, saying they'd found horse tranquilizers at the training ground last week, I told them there was an innocent explanation. . However, those dimwits at the FA just weren't buying the fact that they were for 'Silver', claiming that it's far-fetched to believe that a professional football player would be riding around town, upkeeping law and order in a lawless society, whilst dealing with bar room brawls, rustling and gunfighting! .. Well, they've obviously never been down York Road on a Friday night, then!

Tonight I'm off to Selhurst Park to watch the Crystal Palace v Bolton cup-tie. I'll be catching up with Big Sam. He knows all about dealing with the FA, so I'll take some tips from him. There'll also be lots of old friends there. And Phil Parkinson. Actually, that's a bit harsh on old Parky. I've always admired how we can speak our minds, when we get together. Especially whilst being restrained by the fourth official!

Right, I better crack on. Now where did I put Antonio Conte's number?

 

[AndyT]

Wednesday 18th January 2017

After yesterday's diary, I immediately got a call from Chairman Ron. I thought, eh up, he's already getting the cash together for the Diego Costa move and wants me to seal the deal.

So, I hotfoot it down to the ground, via 'Suit You Sir' on Southchurch Road, where I needed to pick up me suit for Saturday's match. They do a grand job there and the club have an account and only pay £1.25 for dry cleaning on account of us being skint. Good people, they are.

Anyway, Ron's none too happy when I arrive. Face like thunder. He says I had no right to leak all the info about Dan and Nile. I says I thought it was already out. I'd texted Horts on Monday night and asked if "the cat was out of the bag" and he replied "yes, boss". Turns out, Horts Persian Cat 'Brighton & Hove Albion' had got stuck in a lady's shopping trolley and had to be freed! Well, how was I meant to know that!

We got 1.1 million in the end for Dan, which I thought was a right good bit of business. I mentioned to Ron that I was after a striker and on me list were Frank Noodle, Cauley Woodstain and Scott Cashcard. Mind you, Ainsworth won't do business with me after I gave it the big 'un when we scored at Wembley, so Cashcard is definitely out. I also quite fancy Matt Smith. I mentioned this and Ron said he thought he was in Dr. Who. I said no someone's already made that joke, so let's just forget about him, eh! .. Shame, as he is 6 foot 10 inches tall and would be handy from Lenny's long throw that no-one seems to get their head on!

Anyway, I'm off to training now ... Funny name for a cat "Brighton & Hove Albion". Horts is definitely nuts!

 

[OldBlueLady]

This year's "The Adventures of Chocolate Orange"! Well played sir!

 

[AndyT]

Thursday 19th January 2017

Had reason to call the FA again yesterday. The receptionist picked the phone up and said "What do you want this time, Mr Brown?". I liked that. Bit of personal service never goes amiss.

When I got put through, I was told not to keep bothering them about Nile. They'll tell me soon enough what he's done. I was quick to point out that it wasn't about him, this time, but more about appealing Jermaine's red card. They came out with some excuse that you can't appeal two yellow cards. I says that rule needs changing, but they weren't having any of it. After about an hour on the phone, they wouldn't budge, saying things like "can't you do without him just for one week?". I reminded them that he is a key player in my side, having been an ever present since way back on 14th January 2017. Covered hundreds of kms. Mainly running up and down the touchline with a bib on, I grant you! In the end, I asked if they could let me have Nile for a week as compensation and suddenly the line went dead. Bl***y BT, cutting me off again!

On a brighter note, Ron has already let me spend some of Dan's money and I've moved quickly to capture the signing of Frank Noodle. That was 50p well spent, I tells yer! Last season I only signed movie star names and snooker players, but this year I'm concentrating on my favourite foods. Already in the bag are Frank Noodle and Hines Beans. My next target is Italian left midfielder Francesco Jalfreizi. The Padova fans love him and have nicknamed him "chicken" on account that he speeds down the wing, running like one. Ron says that he hopes he's not a headless one, as we only got rid of the last one during the close season!

Two days to the big match on Saturday. Spoke to Parky the other night and he's looking forward to it, too. Said he'll be happy with a 0-0 draw. He's so defensive minded, that fella!

 

[AndyT]

Friday 20th January 2017

Over at training yesterday, there was a fella watching the youth lads. He's over there quite a bit and Coghs was just suggesting to me that we should call Social Services, when over this guy comes. He wanted to know why our illustrious club captain and legend was training with the youth players. I quickly pointed out that Ferdy trains with the 1st team, when Coghs reminded me that he was referring to Adam Barrett.

Now I think it's only right to set the record straight. Me and AB go back a long way (to around 2014, I think) and there's no friction between us. In fact, only the other day, AB was in his car chatting away to me. I was 15 yards away in the car park, to be truthful and when I say chatting, it was probably more shouting, as it was a windy day and I cannae hear him very well. I'd just let him know that I could promise him first team football. He seemed pleased, but when I said it was at Orient, he went very quiet. Almost certainly overcome with my act of thoughtful kindness. As he drove off, he wound down his window and gave me two thumbs up and shouted "Play off, Brown!". I thought that was a great gesture, wishing us all the best and the two thumbs up was good to see. At least, I assume they were thumbs!

Checked my emails last night. I don't go on there much, as they are normally abusive threats or spam, sometimes both. That reminds me, I must put Trevor Kettle on my blocked senders list!. Anyhoo, it was old Parky, asking whether there was a good place to stay for the team tonight. He suggested a Premier Inn, Travelodge or Holiday Inn, but I said you can't beat 'Rhona and George's Guest House' on Royal Terrace. Four beds to a room and a cooked breakfast to die for. Apparently the other week, someone did!. All for £10.00 per night. Top views from there, too. Only punctuated by the refugees living in Pier Gardens. He said it sounds just like Bolton. A home from home!

Right, I can't stand here chatting. There's work to do. I'm on SKY Sports and Talk Radio today, ahead of the big match. I hope they don't ask me if Bolton would be my dream job, again! I'll have to tell them it's not, cos I'm reet happy here now. You can put that in your articles and smoke it!

 

[Blueronron]

They just get better, keep it up Andy :thumbsup:

 

[AndyT]

Saturday 21st January 2017

Now I like to call in the new signings on a Friday afternoon for a chat about their hopes and ambitions, before sticking them on the bench for the rest of the season and yesterday was no exception. Hines and Noodle came across as good lads, eager to stake a claim to get in the starting line-up. I says that's good to hear, but the side picks itself at the moment. It actually does. After training on a Friday, we line all the players up and Ferdy and Cox take it in turns to choose a player, until we have an eleven. Then Thommo and Demi pick the subs. It's worked since we lost at Rochdale, so it's fine by me and gives me one less headache during a hectic week!

Anyway, today's the day and it brings back fond memories of past encounters that I've been involved in between the two sides. I cannae think of any off the top of me head, mind, but I'm sure the supporters will remember them and remind the Bolton fans, who are travelling. Those 'Blue Voice' lads are good at that and never let me down! :thumbsup:

I don't normally take much notice of who is reffing our games, as whoever they are, they'll get a volley of abuse from the off, but after last week's clown, I thought I'd better check.

Turns out, it's former West Brom player and manager, Craig Shakespeare. Funny fella, the Craig. He is a distant relative of old Shakey himself and often used to quote his fore-father during a game. "Is this is a red card I see before me?", just as he was about to be dismissed for a crunching tackle on Boncho Genchev or "To be or not to be" as he stepped up to blaze another penalty into the Smethwick End. After his playing days, West Brom Chairman, Billy Bassett (sounds like a character from 'The Beezer', but actually did exist) offered Craig the manager's role. I often thought it was a mistake, though, to employ Romeo Zondevan as his assistant. Particularly as Romeo continually went missing when he needed him!

Anyway, I can't wait for this afternoon. I know you guys in the crowd will be right behind the team. Especially the fella in the Green Seats behind me, who gives me all my substitution tips! See you all later!

 

[BrettieAngell]

Bravo sir, bravo!!

 

[AndyT]

Sunday 22nd January 2017

Got meself in a bit of hot water yesterday. I turns up at the ground for the 11:00am pitch inspection to find that old Shakey had already called the game off at 10:30am. Ron didn't look too pleased and stormed off in a huff, asking me to let Bolton know, as he sped off. So I sends a text message to Parky to let him know. About 1:30pm the phone rings. It's Parky. He's livid. He says he's at the ground and where was I?! I says I'm in Coventry for the Fleetwood match. He says "Coventry, what the f**k are you doing there!?!!". I says, didn't you get me text? He says "No, you t****r!", before he slams the phone down. Not sure how you can do that with a mobile, but still. Turns out, I hadn't scrolled down far enough in me contacts and had sent it to 'Parkers Sunbeds' and not 'Parky'. Said "Tried to get it on, but it's off today". Must admit, I did wonder why Parky had replied saying he'll send an engineer round on Monday morning!

Anyway, what a bunch of Southern Softies yesterday. I notice no Northern games were called off. Hard as nails us Northerners, plus the fact that there hadn't been any frost 'oop North!

Any more call-offs and the fixtures will start piling up. Mind you, it's nowt compared to that winter of 1962/63 that often gets talked aboot. Back in that winter, Bolton didn't play a match from December 1962 until May 1963, so had 25 matches to complete in 2 weeks. Players talk now aboot needing a rest, but not for legendary Scottish winger, Willie McTougal. As a result of the congestion, Bolton had to play Barrow three times on the same day. The first was the league match at Burnden Park, kicking off at 10:00am. Then a coach trip to Barrow for the return fixture at 3:00pm. Finally the FA Cup 4th Round tie, back at Burnden Park at 7:30pm. In-between dazzling the crowd with his wizardry, McTougal smoked 20 cigarettes and drank 6 bottles of stout on the coach. These current players just don't have it in 'em. That said, he was treated for exhaustion at Lancaster Infirmary that night, but that's besides the point, as he was up and out again for the double header against Stockport County the following day!

Time to put me feet up now and flick through the Sunday papers. I've decided to give the lads the week off training this week, as it's a bit chilly out, so it'll give me time to assess what we need in the transfer window. Standby for some big announcements this week!

 

[AndyT]

Monday 23rd January 2017

Sunday afternoon, I normally meet up with Ron for a coffee at Starbucks (other over-priced plastic coffee houses, employing Lithuanians on minimum wage, are available), but yesterday afternoon he had his phone switched off for some reason, so I called up Horts for a catch-up.

Ron had apparently called Horts and confessed that he might have made a big mistake. I says, he's not gone down to 'Madame Zsa Zsa's Fingers and Tops Massage Emporium' in Windmill Steps, again, has he? But, Horts was quick to dispel the rumour, saying I must be mixing him up with someone else who goes there and I suddenly realized I had!

Horts then breaks the shock news that we've sacked our head groundsman, Ken Tortoise. I was gobsmacked. I always enjoyed spending time with Ken, chatting away about nothing for hours on end in his groundsman's shed. Over 27 years, he'd really made it his home. Three piece suite, fully fitted kitchen, 42" plasma TV, combi boiler and fully integrated heating system, you name it. Whenever you needed Ken, you'd always find him in there, feet up and enjoying a cuppa! .. Anyway, they'll need to replace him. Horts thinks Ryan Inniss might get the job, as he's got this 240 hours of community service to do and so far, he's only done 3.

As Horts tucks into his Mochachocochino, I says I have two words to say to you - Stefan Payne. He says "stiff and pain? You should book in to see Madame Zsa Zsa!" . I says, no I'm talking about signing him for the rest of the season. He says, "What about Lee ShakeanVak from Charlton, I thought you wanted him?" .. I says I can't sign him. Ron has already said no. Matt Smith won't come here, either. He told his mate that, the other day. Horts thinks I should go for old Stiffy, so I'll get on the phone in the morning.

Tuesday 24th January 2017

What a day, yesterday.

As soon as I'm up and about, Ron is on the phone. Says he needs me to come in and be the CEO for the day, as he can't cover it, as he's gone into hiding. Shouldn't be too much of a problem, I thought, so off I set. First up, there's a few calls from irate supporters, demanding to know why Ken was sacked, but I managed to palm them off by pretending I was the cleaner. Then Fleetwood are on the phone, asking how many tickets we need for Saturday. I says, send around 4,000, as it's a big game. They replied saying the ground only holds 3,645, so I said they'll do!

It's all going well, until there's a knock on the door and it's The Bluebelles, with their manager, Pauline Pompoms. She said they never got a call on Saturday and turned up and performed their half-time routine, as normal. I asked her why she didn't realize the ground was empty and she said she'd just assumed everyone was at the tea-bar as the onions were in stock! Anyhoo, they wanted paying and I couldn't agree to it. They were upset and there were a few tears. I'd not witnessed tears in my office since I told Joe Piggott that he was going back to Charlton! .. I thought it best to bring the plan B out that I always use, so I said I'd take them all over the Spread for a pint. That didn't go to plan, though, as the girls are only 16. I hadn't thought of that, so I said I'd get back to them!

I was just about to pack up and go home when Ron appears, looking nervous and flustered. I says what's up and he says, "They're after me, Phil. I'm at my wits end!". I says, who, The Police, HMRC? but he interrupts saying "No, far worse, it's the Institute of Groundsmanship!". I laughs and says, they'll be nae bother. He says "You don't understand. They are ruthless. Last season, the CEO at Leicester put the groundsman on a 7 day suspension for putting those stupid patterns on the pitch and the IOG not only got him re-instated, but the CEO was deported to a Penal Colony in French Guyana!".

Ron does get himself into some scrapes, I thought, as I left the ground. Though I must admit, it's nice not to be the recipient of the fans anger, for once!