The PB Diaries

[AndyT]

Monday 12th November 2018

Well, f*ck a duck, I appears to have been sacked again!

To be brutally honest, I didnae see this one comin' I tells yer. I thought me and the chairman, Austin Powers, had a good understanding, like. Only last week, I'd given him me list of signings I needed. Melton Mowbray and Wootton Bassett were me top priorities. They'd been recommended to me on me twittergram. I thoughts they soonded like a couple of tasty additions, but he just shook his heed and muttered to himself that I hadnae got a clue!

He reckons our league home form just wasnae oop to standard. I says I cannae understand what his problem is. I mean, we had won as recently as the 18th August. The County Groond had become a fortress. No team liked coming here. Only just the other day we beat York City, who must be in that there League One, as they aren't in our division or the one below that. It was a resounding 2-1 victory. Powers, though, says they are halfway doon the Bostik Nonstick Pritstick League Division Three North East and half their players are from the local pub. I says he's being ridiculous. He knows nothing that fella!

Anyway, at least I'm not on gardening leave. I hates that and who needs their garden done in November! He's paid me contract oop has old Powers, but booted me oot of me Penthoose flat opposite the railway sidings, next to Tesco. I'm writing these notes from the Didcot Travelodge. They've got a reet good offer on toneet. Two meals and a bottle of hoose white for £3.50. You've gots to be likin' those numbers, eh! I'm here with me old mate, Horts. He reckons I should put in for the Wimbledon job, but to be truthful, I'm not keen on tennis. Watching the ball going backwards and forwards all afternoon just isn't for me!

Well, I've taken oop too much of yer time alreedy. 3 and 1/2 years too much for some people I hears! .. So, good luck for the rest of the season and if yer see old Ron, he still owes me four months wages, the fooker!

 

[Yorkshire Blue]

Two meals and a bottle of hoose white for £3.50.

I don't like to pick fault with this but surely he'd be after a vintage wine, the older the better?

 

[AndyT]

...........

Not in the Travelodge he won't be!

 

[Kris]

Me agent called me today with a job offer in India. So I says hang on, India? But I don't want to work in a call centre. No, he says, a team called FC Puny wants you. Genius. No-one will find me there.

Over to you Andy, you know you want to.

 

[AndyT]

Friday 4th January 2019

So, I gets this call from Horts like, just before Christmas. He says he’s got me a job back in the Premier League. I don’t mind telling yer, me ears pricked up and all that. He says it’s with Troon City and they’re offering a six figure sum. I thinks ker-ching, all me Christmasses have come at once, including this one!

Anyways, I’ll be brutally honest. I’d lost touch with Scottish football, so it came as a bit of a shock that they’d made it to the Premier League. They were a park side when me old mate John McGinley started oot with them.

Horts then throws me a reet curveball saying I needs to get doon that visa office quick smart. I thinks visa? What do I need one of those for! .. Must be that there Brexit deal or no deal thing. That Noel Edmonds has a lot to answer for! .. So, I queries this with Horts and he says no not Troon, Prune!! .. In India! .. I says they don’t play football in India as SKY don’t show it, so it can’t exist, but he says no it’s the Indian Premier League.

The penny suddenly drops. He must be talking aboot cricket, I thinks. Now, I know nowt all aboot that game, but luckily me bairn's boyfriend is a greet fan of those Kolkata Light Changers it turns oot. He says it’s top notch stuff Browny. They have all the greet players playing, apart from those banned for chucking the ball aroond, cheating and drug abuse! .. I thinks blimey. I’ve got me work cut oot here. I thought there was only that one fella who put sandpaper doon his troosers instead of a box, that got into trouble. Seems it’s over-run with the worse dregs of society. Bit like football then!

Anyway, I guess you’re ahead of me here and realised me big clanger! . Yep, turns oot it was football all along, so I thinks in for a penny like and let’s give it a go, so I flies oot there to get an idea of what it’s gonna be like.

After me flight with DeliAir, I checks in me hotel and takes a walk doon the street. Four times I got asked for directions. Must be me suntan, I thought. I’m blending in alreedy! As I walked further, I realised some people here are living on the breadline and struggling to make ends meet. It were a sad and sorry sight, to tell yer the truth. Reminded me of South Shields it did. Still, I thought I needs to cheer the community oop with me brand of patient football and 1-0 wins, so I started relishing the challenge!

Now, I want to allay any ideas that football here is played by fellas in turbans and bare feet. That’s absolutely not the truth of it. Only half of them do! .. In fact there’s some good lads oot here. Bendilara FC have gots one who once played 16 games for Chesterfield on their books, so you can see it’s a pretty high standard.

Anyway, enough aboot me, I must be going. We’ve got a big local derby coming up against a team only 500 miles away, so I needs to get cracking.

Oh and I need to have a word with Horts. That six figure salary is in bl**dy Rupees! .. Still, beats living in Swindon!

 

[AndyT]

Thursday 21st November 2019

Well, I havnae dropped in on me old diary for a while now and thought all the people who are interested in how I’m doing oot here in the land of rising sun, at least I think that’s what they call it, were due one of me oopdates, like. So this goes out to both of yers. As yer can see I'm in the future, here, as it's just past midneet.

So, it’s all gone reet well. I’ve got a 50% win ratio, which is nae half bad. Truth be told, we’ve only played two games in a year, but I’ll take that. I tell yer.

I moved into me new place here a little while back. The fella who sold it me said I’d have uninterrupted views of the Himalayas oot me window, even though they’re 1200 miles away. I thinks he saw me coming as he rode off on his scooter with me cash. I called oop the office to complain and I couldnae understand a word they were saying. Turns oot it was a call centre in England and the lass had one of those West Country accents, so I gave oop.

Worse was to come though, when I turns oop for pre-season training after our nine months off. I arrives at our usual venue reet on the dot of 10:00am to find there’s nowt all happening and no-one here. Reminded me of Boots & Laces it did. I finally collared some fella who kept on about me needing to hire a bed. I says “Look son, I may not have the view I was promised, but they did provide something to sleep on. Made of nails it was, but it’s been good for me back. All that acnepuncture”. No, no he says. Hyderabad. I finally twigged what he was saying and to me horror, it turned oot me beloved Pune City have been taken over by Hyderabad FC. The fookers didnae even tell me. I was straight on the phone to me agent, who says I still have me job but will have to commute each day. “How far?” I says. He says not too far, just 500kms! .. Well, **** a duck!!

Anyways, I havnae no choice, so I decides to go by train. I’m a keen fan of the old railways and loves that fella Michael Bordello and his train journey show. I thinks, if he can do it (albeit in first class everywhere) then so can I, so I books meself a first class ticket and gets to the station. On I gets and I’m squashed in like a sardine. It’s like the Directors Box bar at Roots Hall. I says to the guard fella I cannae stand like this. I should be in first class. So he says, you are! .. Jeez, what a palava, eh!

Anyway, the reason why I’m updating yers is that I had a call from me old mate Horts. He says things havnae been so good at me old club and to be brutally honest I’m feeling a bit sad for yers, so I called oop Ron and said if he ever needed any help then I’m his man. He says it’ll be good to have yer back at the ground. We could do with another pair of hands to fork those divots at half-time. I says I’ve done enough gardening leave thanks, son! .. Cheeky fooker!

I’m sure you’ll turn it roond there. It was shame it didnae work oot with that Gary Wassock, but Sol Limbo and Ashley Cole are a reet good pair of lads. I actually tried to sign Ashley when I was at Hull. Offered him a reet good package an all for him and that Cherry Cole. A two bedroom hoose in the posh part of Cleethorpes and £500.00 a week, but he was having none of it, sadly.

Anyway, I best be off. We’ve got a tough week ahead, doing some light training as the season doesnae start for another couple of years.
Until then, best of luck lads and lasses!

 

[Blueronron]

Love it Andy T, always a smile after reading it

 

[fbm]

Quality as usual matey.

 

[OldBlueLady]

Ahhhh, have missed these! Top work Andy!

 

[AndyT]

Friday 13th December 2019

Well, it’s coomin up to Christmas soon and it’s getting reet festive here. They’ve actually turned the street lights on, so it’s all good news for those of us who struggle home in the dark from the Pune City Balti up on the Mumbai Road. It’s a greet little place. They do all the traditional dishes you’d find in any high street on the Wear. It’s like a home from home. The owner, Ranji, is a big football fan too. He loves the English matches which he can get for free on his telly in the bar. Last week, he was glued to Woking against Barrow on BT Sport. He thinks it’s the Premier League, as it’s called the National league which over here is like the top level. Who am I to disappoint him, eh?

Talking of football, I got a new follower on me twittergram account. It's @Itsparkytime . I was intrigued and so I sends him a private message thing. Turns oot it’s old Parky himself. I says “How ya doin’ ya f**kin t**sbag?”. He replies “Not so good. I’m struggling in League One. Bit like you did!” .. Cheeky fooker. So I says it’s hard at that Bolton with only one point and all that and he gives me the shock of me life and says he’s managing me boyhood team, Sunderland. FFS!. They don’t deserve that. He says they cannae buy a win. Lost at home to Burton Albion the other week, he tells me. Even Southend got a point against them!. I says I cannae give him any advice apart from resigning. Seriously, between me and you and to be brutally honest I quite fancy the job meself, but I wouldnae tell him that as he’ll start s**t stirring as always.

Anyways, talking of all things local and close to me heart, I had an email from me old mate the other day who is the Labour candidate for me constituency, Sunderland Vic Halom. He says he wondered if he could rely on me vote. I says it’ll have to be a postal one, so I’ll send it now and it’ll arrive in time for the 2024 election. He says he’s concerned at how things are roond there. People are losing faith in that Jeremy Carbon fella and he’s worried he might lose his 172,000 majority. He says the locals are disgusted with the facilities and want change. He says, look at the state of this polling station, for example, and sent me this picture :-

… and one of the other candidates is campaigning in a tank, as it’s not safe on the streets from all the Tory voters. I said yer having a laugh. Just wear yer Sunderland shirt yer big girl's blouse and there’s nowt to worry aboot! .. To tell you the truth, some people just try me patience, they really do!

I see you lots are playing Rotherham tomorrow. Here’s hoping for a win so yer can start climbing oop that table. I remember the old days at the club where we had that greet 5-0 win against them. Happy days. No, hang on, we lost that one. Anyhoo, never mind, eh. It’ll soon be that January window and you can get some old has-been on the 31st, like I had to.

Better be off, as I’ve just had a text. F**kin ‘ell it’s me old mate. He did lose his seat with a 99% swing to boot. F**k, I’m stayin here. It’s safer!

 

[Barling Magna]

Friday 13th December 2019

Anyhoo, never mind, eh. It’ll soon be that January window and you can get some old has-been on the 31st, like I had to.

Inspired as always. Sadly though I think the above quote may be uncomfortably near the truth.........
.

 

[ESG]

Friday 13th December 2019

Well, it’s coomin up to Christmas soon and it’s getting reet festive here. They’ve actually turned the street lights on, so it’s all good news for those of us who struggle home in the dark from the Pune City Balti up on the Mumbai Road. It’s a greet little place. They do all the traditional dishes you’d find in any high street on the Wear. It’s like a home from home. The owner, Ranji, is a big football fan too. He loves the English matches which he can get for free on his telly in the bar. Last week, he was glued to Woking against Barrow on BT Sport. He thinks it’s the Premier League, as it’s called the National league which over here is like the top level. Who am I to disappoint him, eh?

Talking of football, I got a new follower on me twittergram account. It's @Itsparkytime . I was intrigued and so I sends him a private message thing. Turns oot it’s old Parky himself. I says “How ya doin’ ya f**kin t**sbag?”. He replies “Not so good. I’m struggling in League One. Bit like you did!” .. Cheeky fooker. So I says it’s hard at that Bolton with only one point and all that and he gives me the shock of me life and says he’s managing me boyhood team, Sunderland. FFS!. They don’t deserve that. He says they cannae buy a win. Lost at home to Burton Albion the other week, he tells me. Even Southend got a point against them!. I says I cannae give him any advice apart from resigning. Seriously, between me and you and to be brutally honest I quite fancy the job meself, but I wouldnae tell him that as he’ll start s**t stirring as always.

Anyways, talking of all things local and close to me heart, I had an email from me old mate the other day who is the Labour candidate for me constituency, Sunderland Vic Halom. He says he wondered if he could rely on me vote. I says it’ll have to be a postal one, so I’ll send it now and it’ll arrive in time for the 2024 election. He says he’s concerned at how things are roond there. People are losing faith in that Jeremy Carbon fella and he’s worried he might lose his 172,000 majority. He says the locals are disgusted with the facilities and want change. He says, look at the state of this polling station, for example, and sent me this picture :-

… and one of the other candidates is campaigning in a tank, as it’s not safe on the streets from all the Tory voters. I said yer having a laugh. Just wear yer Sunderland shirt yer big girl's blouse and there’s nowt to worry aboot! .. To tell you the truth, some people just try me patience, they really do!

I see you lots are playing Rotherham tomorrow. Here’s hoping for a win so yer can start climbing oop that table. I remember the old days at the club where we had that greet 5-0 win against them. Happy days. No, hang on, we lost that one. Anyhoo, never mind, eh. It’ll soon be that January window and you can get some old has-been on the 31st, like I had to.

Better be off, as I’ve just had a text. F**kin ‘ell it’s me old mate. He did lose his seat with a 99% swing to boot. F**k, I’m stayin here. It’s safer!

Great stuff as ever mate but where are the politics police?

 

[AndyT]

It's not a political point, anyway.

It's satirical and doesn't work as a diary entry without the reference to politics, because it's inherently linked to the Phil Parkinson appointment.

The candidate with the Sunderland shirt is true, as is the fella canvassing in a tank. This allows the two to work on the same level metaphorically and that's the theme throughout the entry. One is a metaphor of the other.

Hope that helps.

 

[AndyT]

Thank you for allowing it to stay posted @Cricko. I appreciate it's a delicate subject.

I did wrestle with it this morning, but I assumed people would see it for what it is and it just wouldn't have worked without it. It's certainly not posted to create debate and I hope people don't read it as such. If it does, I'll be happy to take it down and re-word it.

 

[ESG]

It's not a political point, anyway.

It's satirical and doesn't work as a diary entry without the reference to politics, because it's inherently linked to the Phil Parkinson appointment.

The candidate with the Sunderland shirt is true, as is the fella canvassing in a tank. This allows the two to work on the same level metaphorically and that's the theme throughout the entry. One is a metaphor of the other.

Hope that helps.

I know, I'm still sulking at the deletion of my post. All I did was pass comment on the passenger manifest of a flight arriving at Southend.

Anyway it's the season of goodwill and we move on