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The PB Diaries
- Thread starter AndyT
- Start date
Bearded Shrimper
Striker
dannypav
President
- Joined
- Dec 14, 2011
- Messages
- 5,998
Yes , but not just the voice.
I actually see him typing it on a PC.
I need to get out more !
Tuesday 31st January 2017
Transfer deadline day. Always a big day in the football calendar, with old dog's mess, Jim White, getting increasingly excited as Tommy Taybridge moves from Morton to Stenhousemuir for £25,000, a haggis and a packet of shortbread. There'll even be a reporter outside the ground with a few fans hanging about in the background. What sort of idiots hang about outside football grounds! :blush:
Anyway, I drives down to Roots Hall and I'm met by Horts. He'd been waiting for over an hour in the car park, as he didn't have much else to do. We step into the office and I go through me list of targets for today, whilst Horts tells me they have already been snapped up. Looks like I'm left with the last turkey in the shop, again. . Yep, Tyrone Barnett is up for another loan deal. His agent does more peddling than a Tour De France leader! .. I've decided that, though I'm a bit short of strikers, I can't take him on again. Got me eyes set on bigger fish than him! .. Be prepared for some surprises, today!
Had some bad news last night. The Roslin, where I've been living for the past 4 years, need me room for a corporate group tonight. I says where can I go and they just shrugged their shoulders. Horts says I can stay with him. Trouble with that is we always end up watching old Port Vale videos and arguing over who was most successful as manager at Hull City. Plus his cat has taken a disliking to me and scratched me new suit the other week. Bl***y furious I was! .. And he's only got some old bottle of port and I cannae stand the stuff! I think I might pass on his offer and find a B&B for the night.
Reet, I'm off down the training ground, as I need to get the lads together, just to make sure Ron hasn't sold any of them to pay old Maisie off!
Transfer deadline day. Always a big day in the football calendar, with old dog's mess, Jim White, getting increasingly excited as Tommy Taybridge moves from Morton to Stenhousemuir for £25,000, a haggis and a packet of shortbread. There'll even be a reporter outside the ground with a few fans hanging about in the background. What sort of idiots hang about outside football grounds! :blush:
Anyway, I drives down to Roots Hall and I'm met by Horts. He'd been waiting for over an hour in the car park, as he didn't have much else to do. We step into the office and I go through me list of targets for today, whilst Horts tells me they have already been snapped up. Looks like I'm left with the last turkey in the shop, again. . Yep, Tyrone Barnett is up for another loan deal. His agent does more peddling than a Tour De France leader! .. I've decided that, though I'm a bit short of strikers, I can't take him on again. Got me eyes set on bigger fish than him! .. Be prepared for some surprises, today!
Had some bad news last night. The Roslin, where I've been living for the past 4 years, need me room for a corporate group tonight. I says where can I go and they just shrugged their shoulders. Horts says I can stay with him. Trouble with that is we always end up watching old Port Vale videos and arguing over who was most successful as manager at Hull City. Plus his cat has taken a disliking to me and scratched me new suit the other week. Bl***y furious I was! .. And he's only got some old bottle of port and I cannae stand the stuff! I think I might pass on his offer and find a B&B for the night.
Reet, I'm off down the training ground, as I need to get the lads together, just to make sure Ron hasn't sold any of them to pay old Maisie off!
Blueronron
Manager
"Tyrone Barnett is up for another loan deal. His agent does more peddling than a Tour De France leader!"
Absolutely brilliant line, PML :hilarious::hilarious:
Absolutely brilliant line, PML :hilarious::hilarious:
Sammy Shrimper
Youth Team⭐⭐
- Joined
- Aug 23, 2010
- Messages
- 851
Agreed!Keep the diary going Andy. It's reet good!
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Suffolk Shrimper In Dorset
Director⭐⭐
I found this on a piece of screwed up paper at Boots & Laces earlier today:
Horts here. Feel the need to put pen to paper – Boss keeps telling me how uplifting he’s found his recent scribes to be and how now everyone loves him. I need some love. Been feeling a bit down after Coach-Gate, that was my moment to shine and I get let down by some Manc driver who says he didn’t understand me so was waiting for us at Heston Services (so, nowhere near as bad as Highbury & Islington as Boss said). I’ve not even got a f**king accent, I’ve never spoke enough to develop one. I do need to do something soon though I feel, Ray Davey asked for my ID the other day, Coxy keeps giving me his shoes to shine and Ron just thinks I’m a spray tan salesman. I’ve got lots to offer, I know everyone who played at Port Vale in 1974, and was me alone who was responsible for keeping Lawro’s tash looking trim at Oxford in 1988. I’ve known the Boss for a while now and he trusts me, and like ketchup and whiskey we are good together – I told him to have that pitch half-time team talk with the Hull lads and I’m always saying he should go on X Factor. But of late he’s been giving me ‘the look’, you know, that one which says ‘if truth be known I know the truth and you do **** all’. Well, I’ve got one or two things up my sleeve, I know someone who has got the key to the lawnmower shed at Macclesfield, and I was speaking to a guy the other day who says he knows his onions. That’s what it’s all about in football, building up contacts and I’m now so old I’ve got lots of them ….. and other stuff and things like that. So everyone, keep a look out for the next big Horts move, I feel I’m really on a roll now. Yeah, I feel good, I might just go and buy Boss some of that port he likes and invite him round for a game of Buckaroo. Love to all.
Horts here. Feel the need to put pen to paper – Boss keeps telling me how uplifting he’s found his recent scribes to be and how now everyone loves him. I need some love. Been feeling a bit down after Coach-Gate, that was my moment to shine and I get let down by some Manc driver who says he didn’t understand me so was waiting for us at Heston Services (so, nowhere near as bad as Highbury & Islington as Boss said). I’ve not even got a f**king accent, I’ve never spoke enough to develop one. I do need to do something soon though I feel, Ray Davey asked for my ID the other day, Coxy keeps giving me his shoes to shine and Ron just thinks I’m a spray tan salesman. I’ve got lots to offer, I know everyone who played at Port Vale in 1974, and was me alone who was responsible for keeping Lawro’s tash looking trim at Oxford in 1988. I’ve known the Boss for a while now and he trusts me, and like ketchup and whiskey we are good together – I told him to have that pitch half-time team talk with the Hull lads and I’m always saying he should go on X Factor. But of late he’s been giving me ‘the look’, you know, that one which says ‘if truth be known I know the truth and you do **** all’. Well, I’ve got one or two things up my sleeve, I know someone who has got the key to the lawnmower shed at Macclesfield, and I was speaking to a guy the other day who says he knows his onions. That’s what it’s all about in football, building up contacts and I’m now so old I’ve got lots of them ….. and other stuff and things like that. So everyone, keep a look out for the next big Horts move, I feel I’m really on a roll now. Yeah, I feel good, I might just go and buy Boss some of that port he likes and invite him round for a game of Buckaroo. Love to all.
Wednesday 1st February 2017
Many people (about 3 in truth) ask me what it's like being a manager on deadline day, so I thought I'd let you in on me routine.
Well, yesterday I was up early and straight in the shower, planning all the big signings. A quick breakfast and a dash into the living room to watch Homes Under the Hammer. I loves that programme. There he was, old Dion Dublin, showing us around a 5 bedroom detached and in need of renovation house in Ashby-de-la-Zouch when I noticed how swiftly he moved about the rooms and showed great skill and awareness in the confined space of the kitchen, so I calls him up and asks him if he still fancied some first team footie. He said he'd rather put his head in a pyrex bowl full of bees, so I took that as a positive and penciled him in!
Then I flicked through to SKY and was enjoying all the rumour and gossip when I suddenly realized I'm actually meant to be signing someone meself, so I gets me list out and follows the progress on the box. By mid-afternoon all the players I'd texted had gone off to other clubs and I was now onto page 3 of me list!
7:00pm comes and goes and I decides to be more proactive and calls Horts. He says Theo is up for a move. I thought eh, that's grand news that. Old Theo Walcott wants to play for us, so Horts gives me his number and eventually he answers at 10:58pm. Says his sorry but he was watching the lads tonight. He agreed the deal and jumped at the chance to join us. I've still got it, I tells yer. I asked him how they got on and he said they won at Solihull Moors. I says, well with all those star names I'm not surprised. He sounded a bit bemused and said he'll be down tomorrow for training.
Top lad, I thought, as I poured meself a well-earned brandy!
Many people (about 3 in truth) ask me what it's like being a manager on deadline day, so I thought I'd let you in on me routine.
Well, yesterday I was up early and straight in the shower, planning all the big signings. A quick breakfast and a dash into the living room to watch Homes Under the Hammer. I loves that programme. There he was, old Dion Dublin, showing us around a 5 bedroom detached and in need of renovation house in Ashby-de-la-Zouch when I noticed how swiftly he moved about the rooms and showed great skill and awareness in the confined space of the kitchen, so I calls him up and asks him if he still fancied some first team footie. He said he'd rather put his head in a pyrex bowl full of bees, so I took that as a positive and penciled him in!
Then I flicked through to SKY and was enjoying all the rumour and gossip when I suddenly realized I'm actually meant to be signing someone meself, so I gets me list out and follows the progress on the box. By mid-afternoon all the players I'd texted had gone off to other clubs and I was now onto page 3 of me list!
7:00pm comes and goes and I decides to be more proactive and calls Horts. He says Theo is up for a move. I thought eh, that's grand news that. Old Theo Walcott wants to play for us, so Horts gives me his number and eventually he answers at 10:58pm. Says his sorry but he was watching the lads tonight. He agreed the deal and jumped at the chance to join us. I've still got it, I tells yer. I asked him how they got on and he said they won at Solihull Moors. I says, well with all those star names I'm not surprised. He sounded a bit bemused and said he'll be down tomorrow for training.
Top lad, I thought, as I poured meself a well-earned brandy!
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Thursday 2nd February 2017
Eager readers of yesterday's diary, which I posted 5 minutes ago, will see what a faux pas I made and that we have, in fact, signed Theo Robinson.
I'm not too worried, as he was on me summer list, around page 5 and just below Freddy Freeloader, who was pulling up trees for Wingate & Finchley in the Ryman Isthmian Vanarama CheckaTrade Bet 365 Southern League, last season. Turned out he had scored one goal in 55 appearances and was a lumberjack by trade! .. I hate those misleading expressions!
Still, Theo is a welcome addition and he'll be cover for Nile. On that note, I called up the FA for an update. The receptionist said could I call back later, as they were still in a meeting about it. I asked when and she said to give it a couple of years! .. Sounds like the FA have definitely streamlined things, lately.
Reet, Ron needs to see me about Saturday's match, so I better go. I hope he doesn't want me to paint the white lines, as I've just picked up me suit from 'Suit You Sir'. They've upped their prices to £2.50, they have. Cheeky blighters. That's the last complimentary ticket they get for an FA Youth Cup match!
Eager readers of yesterday's diary, which I posted 5 minutes ago, will see what a faux pas I made and that we have, in fact, signed Theo Robinson.
I'm not too worried, as he was on me summer list, around page 5 and just below Freddy Freeloader, who was pulling up trees for Wingate & Finchley in the Ryman Isthmian Vanarama CheckaTrade Bet 365 Southern League, last season. Turned out he had scored one goal in 55 appearances and was a lumberjack by trade! .. I hate those misleading expressions!
Still, Theo is a welcome addition and he'll be cover for Nile. On that note, I called up the FA for an update. The receptionist said could I call back later, as they were still in a meeting about it. I asked when and she said to give it a couple of years! .. Sounds like the FA have definitely streamlined things, lately.
Reet, Ron needs to see me about Saturday's match, so I better go. I hope he doesn't want me to paint the white lines, as I've just picked up me suit from 'Suit You Sir'. They've upped their prices to £2.50, they have. Cheeky blighters. That's the last complimentary ticket they get for an FA Youth Cup match!
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Friday 3rd February 2017
It's gonna be sunny tomorrow, so I've packed me Raybans for the first half. I ought to text Graham Alexander and warn him about the low sun but f**k 'im!! .. In fact, I've even had a couple of floodlight bulbs moved round, so they shine in his face in the second half!
As you can tell, I'm in a foul mood. The other neet I was staying at Horts place and his cat was hissing at me and to be frank, was scaring the s**ts out of me, so I made me excuses and went down the pub. In there, I spied a few lads in the corner having a meeting and talking things Southend United, so I grabs me pint and asks if I can pull up a chair. They were reet friendly and said they were the mods on the Shrimperzone Forum. They seemed to have nicknames, kind of like the seven dwarves. There were Ricey, McNasty, Manor, Cricko, Smiffy, Jam_Man and RHB. I laughs with them and tells them all the players call it Shrimpermoan..LOL.. Apparently, it turns out, so does everyone on the forum, too! .. I says I never go on there and they says I should. It's a good read. Anyway, I gets home and reads some of the old threads about me. Jeez, what a bunch of moaners. The players were reet!
Tomorrow's ref is that t*** Richard Madeley. G_d I hate him. He always sticks his head in the changing room door and does his Ali G impression. I wouldn't mind, but like him, it's f****** s****! .. He'll probably send someone off, as well. Knowing my luck it'll be me!
Another match tomorrow against a side above us. These fixtures are never easy. Mind you, the lads should be used to playing teams above us. At the start of the season, it was every week!
Think I'll have a lay down. Me heeds killing me. "Tango Man", I asks yer!
It's gonna be sunny tomorrow, so I've packed me Raybans for the first half. I ought to text Graham Alexander and warn him about the low sun but f**k 'im!! .. In fact, I've even had a couple of floodlight bulbs moved round, so they shine in his face in the second half!
As you can tell, I'm in a foul mood. The other neet I was staying at Horts place and his cat was hissing at me and to be frank, was scaring the s**ts out of me, so I made me excuses and went down the pub. In there, I spied a few lads in the corner having a meeting and talking things Southend United, so I grabs me pint and asks if I can pull up a chair. They were reet friendly and said they were the mods on the Shrimperzone Forum. They seemed to have nicknames, kind of like the seven dwarves. There were Ricey, McNasty, Manor, Cricko, Smiffy, Jam_Man and RHB. I laughs with them and tells them all the players call it Shrimpermoan..LOL.. Apparently, it turns out, so does everyone on the forum, too! .. I says I never go on there and they says I should. It's a good read. Anyway, I gets home and reads some of the old threads about me. Jeez, what a bunch of moaners. The players were reet!
Tomorrow's ref is that t*** Richard Madeley. G_d I hate him. He always sticks his head in the changing room door and does his Ali G impression. I wouldn't mind, but like him, it's f****** s****! .. He'll probably send someone off, as well. Knowing my luck it'll be me!
Another match tomorrow against a side above us. These fixtures are never easy. Mind you, the lads should be used to playing teams above us. At the start of the season, it was every week!
Think I'll have a lay down. Me heeds killing me. "Tango Man", I asks yer!
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Saturday 4th February 2017
Well, we all know now thanks to The Sun. Who'd have thought that a respectable newspaper like that would be crawling around the gutter searching for any old s**** to print. I was genuinely shocked. They certainly put a balanced view across, bringing up all the good things Nile's done in his life, as well!
Still, I might have to take some of the blame here. After the Sheffield United match, I says to him that he needs to score more if he wants to start ahead of Marc and Coxy, so he said he'll get onto it that night! .. Class A drugs, eh. Why do people feel the need to use artificial stimulants to have a great neet oot! .. Back in the day, we didn't need all that. Just 15 pints of Newcy Brown Ale and a quick grab in the Bigg Market taxi queue behind Freeman, Hardy & Willis!
Anyway, I digress. On to more positive things and today it's me 200th game in charge. In me office I have constant reminders of the great managers of the past. Pictures hanging up on the wall of the much loved managerial legends of this great club. And Steve Wignall! .. What a list I've joined on the 200 throne : David Jack, Harry Warren, Ted Fenton, Arthur Rowley, Dave Smith, Steve Tilson and, of course, top of the tree : Ted Birnie. I looked him up. 571 games at the helm. I know 7 is a young age to start, but Ted had it all by then. Tactical genius with his system of 2-3-5. The club scored goals for fun in those days. The sort of football I like to play!
So, here's to another 200 matches, eh! .. I know you've been right royally entertained during the first 200, with as many as 5 games sticking long in the memory and all those times we've bagged 4 or more goals in a home match to leave you as high as a kite! .. But my favourite game has to be the 1-0 home win over York City the other year. We'd had 17 successive 0-0 draws at Roots Hall and it looked like it was going to be another one, until we got an undeserved last minute penalty which Shaq Coolhead slotted home. Life doesn't get much better than that!
Well, we all know now thanks to The Sun. Who'd have thought that a respectable newspaper like that would be crawling around the gutter searching for any old s**** to print. I was genuinely shocked. They certainly put a balanced view across, bringing up all the good things Nile's done in his life, as well!
Still, I might have to take some of the blame here. After the Sheffield United match, I says to him that he needs to score more if he wants to start ahead of Marc and Coxy, so he said he'll get onto it that night! .. Class A drugs, eh. Why do people feel the need to use artificial stimulants to have a great neet oot! .. Back in the day, we didn't need all that. Just 15 pints of Newcy Brown Ale and a quick grab in the Bigg Market taxi queue behind Freeman, Hardy & Willis!
Anyway, I digress. On to more positive things and today it's me 200th game in charge. In me office I have constant reminders of the great managers of the past. Pictures hanging up on the wall of the much loved managerial legends of this great club. And Steve Wignall! .. What a list I've joined on the 200 throne : David Jack, Harry Warren, Ted Fenton, Arthur Rowley, Dave Smith, Steve Tilson and, of course, top of the tree : Ted Birnie. I looked him up. 571 games at the helm. I know 7 is a young age to start, but Ted had it all by then. Tactical genius with his system of 2-3-5. The club scored goals for fun in those days. The sort of football I like to play!
So, here's to another 200 matches, eh! .. I know you've been right royally entertained during the first 200, with as many as 5 games sticking long in the memory and all those times we've bagged 4 or more goals in a home match to leave you as high as a kite! .. But my favourite game has to be the 1-0 home win over York City the other year. We'd had 17 successive 0-0 draws at Roots Hall and it looked like it was going to be another one, until we got an undeserved last minute penalty which Shaq Coolhead slotted home. Life doesn't get much better than that!
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Sunday 5th February 2017
What a win, eh! I spent the night in Seventh Heaven after that! ... Great little place, it is, too. It's a Karaoke Bar in Leigh Broadway. I thought I'd invite Theo and his wife along for an evening of wine, food and song. Make him feel welcome. He loved it. Turned out he was a right old crooner. Loves Barry White does the Theo. Mind you, I think doing the entire 'Collection' Album was a bit much. All 26 songs, including a 15 minute interval. When he finally sat down, I thought it's me turn now, so I gets up to do me old favourite 'Sloop John B'. Always gets the crowd going. I gets up there on stage and suddenly the restaurant manager tells me the karaoke machine seems to have stopped working for some reason. Gutted, I was!
I've got a bit of an aching heed this morning, I must admit. Not as much as old Richard Madeley, I'll wager. Meself and Graham decided to take it in turns to find the best put down for him. I starts with me Ali G one, but Graham trumps me with a "Been to Tesco lately, Richard?!". He didn't like that one much and came over to have words with Graham. I comes back with "Are you still doing that Punch & Judy Show?!". Over he comes again and gives us both a final warning. We both lose though, as one of Graham's players is sent off for saying "I see you've dropped down a couple of levels today. Bit like yer TV career!". Wish I'd thought of that one!
Now some people are saying Ted should have had a cap on yesterday. I did mentions it to him, but he said all he could find in his kit bag was a Mexican Hat from the Christmas Party they had in Manchester. I says you can't wear that out there. I've got a Top Hat you can have. But he declines and says he'll make do.
Still, who cares. We beat the league leaders. We are seriously good at the moment. I'm loving it. So much so, I feel a song coming on!
What a win, eh! I spent the night in Seventh Heaven after that! ... Great little place, it is, too. It's a Karaoke Bar in Leigh Broadway. I thought I'd invite Theo and his wife along for an evening of wine, food and song. Make him feel welcome. He loved it. Turned out he was a right old crooner. Loves Barry White does the Theo. Mind you, I think doing the entire 'Collection' Album was a bit much. All 26 songs, including a 15 minute interval. When he finally sat down, I thought it's me turn now, so I gets up to do me old favourite 'Sloop John B'. Always gets the crowd going. I gets up there on stage and suddenly the restaurant manager tells me the karaoke machine seems to have stopped working for some reason. Gutted, I was!
I've got a bit of an aching heed this morning, I must admit. Not as much as old Richard Madeley, I'll wager. Meself and Graham decided to take it in turns to find the best put down for him. I starts with me Ali G one, but Graham trumps me with a "Been to Tesco lately, Richard?!". He didn't like that one much and came over to have words with Graham. I comes back with "Are you still doing that Punch & Judy Show?!". Over he comes again and gives us both a final warning. We both lose though, as one of Graham's players is sent off for saying "I see you've dropped down a couple of levels today. Bit like yer TV career!". Wish I'd thought of that one!
Now some people are saying Ted should have had a cap on yesterday. I did mentions it to him, but he said all he could find in his kit bag was a Mexican Hat from the Christmas Party they had in Manchester. I says you can't wear that out there. I've got a Top Hat you can have. But he declines and says he'll make do.
Still, who cares. We beat the league leaders. We are seriously good at the moment. I'm loving it. So much so, I feel a song coming on!
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Monday 6th February 2017
I'm guessing people want to know what the hold up is on the Nile decision, so I thought I'd explain.
The FA have completed their test results, but to release them, they need a signed consent form from the club. This has to be countersigned by the CEO. Of course, we haven't got one, so they said a senior figure at the club, like the head groundsman would be OK, but we haven't got one of those either! .. We've told them that Chubby Cheeseman from Form 6B normally does all our paperwork, but they said that in view of the fact that it's drug related, they can't accept a form signed by a 6 year old, sadly!
The good news is that, as a one-off, they've allowed the club captain to sign it, so Anton's coming in later today. After this, they then send the results by post. 2nd class, as it's cheaper. Once we have them, we then need Nile to read and accept them and then they send another letter, that can only be opened by the CEO, so we'll have to appoint someone for the job, which will take about 4 weeks, after the probationary period of training. Once opened, Nile then has to serve the ban imposed and complete a 12 week rehabilitation course at The Priory, before the FA will allow him to be considered. So, all in all, he should be back playing by Christmas! :thumbsup:
There's been talk, yesterday, as to why Hines Beans wasn't on the bench on Saturday. Truth is, the Chinese have been interested in him, so I said he could talk to them if he can get a good deal. Good news is, he has. It's the Pearl Dragon in Queens Road. They are looking for a good delivery driver for Saturday afternoons. I jokes with them and says he hasn't put a good delivery in yet, but they didn't really get it, on account that they don't speak English! .. Still, with a lot of pointing at menus and maps, I am sure old Hinesy will do a good job for them.
Reet, four away games in the next five coming up, so I'm going to pre-book the team coaches this morning. I can't trust Horts to do it, so he's going to take training instead. What could possibly go wrong!
I'm guessing people want to know what the hold up is on the Nile decision, so I thought I'd explain.
The FA have completed their test results, but to release them, they need a signed consent form from the club. This has to be countersigned by the CEO. Of course, we haven't got one, so they said a senior figure at the club, like the head groundsman would be OK, but we haven't got one of those either! .. We've told them that Chubby Cheeseman from Form 6B normally does all our paperwork, but they said that in view of the fact that it's drug related, they can't accept a form signed by a 6 year old, sadly!
The good news is that, as a one-off, they've allowed the club captain to sign it, so Anton's coming in later today. After this, they then send the results by post. 2nd class, as it's cheaper. Once we have them, we then need Nile to read and accept them and then they send another letter, that can only be opened by the CEO, so we'll have to appoint someone for the job, which will take about 4 weeks, after the probationary period of training. Once opened, Nile then has to serve the ban imposed and complete a 12 week rehabilitation course at The Priory, before the FA will allow him to be considered. So, all in all, he should be back playing by Christmas! :thumbsup:
There's been talk, yesterday, as to why Hines Beans wasn't on the bench on Saturday. Truth is, the Chinese have been interested in him, so I said he could talk to them if he can get a good deal. Good news is, he has. It's the Pearl Dragon in Queens Road. They are looking for a good delivery driver for Saturday afternoons. I jokes with them and says he hasn't put a good delivery in yet, but they didn't really get it, on account that they don't speak English! .. Still, with a lot of pointing at menus and maps, I am sure old Hinesy will do a good job for them.
Reet, four away games in the next five coming up, so I'm going to pre-book the team coaches this morning. I can't trust Horts to do it, so he's going to take training instead. What could possibly go wrong!
Tuesday 7th February 2017
Last neet I settled down to watch me favourite programme, The Football League Show. I loves seeing all the goals flying in and the expert analysis. Keith Curlyhair was one of the guests, telling us all about his team's success. There was even an interview with meself. Ron had already seen it and wasn't happy tho. He said if yer gannae be on TV then wear a tie yer scruffy git. Who do you think you are, Gareth Ainsworth!
Now, it's aboot time I was on the show, I was thinking. Last time, they grilled me on the Bolton job, which I handled pretty well, I thought. Leaving no-one in any doubt I was a Shrimper through and through. This year, I can crow like Curlywurly did about how good me team is. I've also noticed they always stick a manager on whose team has played in London that day, so as we are at Millwall on Saturday, I've put me name down. Look out for some insightful views from the couch, lads and lasses!
After meeting the Shrimperzone lads last week, I took their advice and logged on to see everyone's views on our great win. Shocked, I was, when the first four topics they were banging on about were the state of the bogs, Ted Smith's missing cap, Oxley's injury and a bl***y Brown Out protest they've got planned! Jeez, what do these people want. They're planning it for 17th September. We could be top of the Championship by then. Football fans are sooo fickle!
Reet, I'm out of here. Got an interview to do with the Echo now. Hopefully they'll be a bit more understanding!
Last neet I settled down to watch me favourite programme, The Football League Show. I loves seeing all the goals flying in and the expert analysis. Keith Curlyhair was one of the guests, telling us all about his team's success. There was even an interview with meself. Ron had already seen it and wasn't happy tho. He said if yer gannae be on TV then wear a tie yer scruffy git. Who do you think you are, Gareth Ainsworth!
Now, it's aboot time I was on the show, I was thinking. Last time, they grilled me on the Bolton job, which I handled pretty well, I thought. Leaving no-one in any doubt I was a Shrimper through and through. This year, I can crow like Curlywurly did about how good me team is. I've also noticed they always stick a manager on whose team has played in London that day, so as we are at Millwall on Saturday, I've put me name down. Look out for some insightful views from the couch, lads and lasses!
After meeting the Shrimperzone lads last week, I took their advice and logged on to see everyone's views on our great win. Shocked, I was, when the first four topics they were banging on about were the state of the bogs, Ted Smith's missing cap, Oxley's injury and a bl***y Brown Out protest they've got planned! Jeez, what do these people want. They're planning it for 17th September. We could be top of the Championship by then. Football fans are sooo fickle!
Reet, I'm out of here. Got an interview to do with the Echo now. Hopefully they'll be a bit more understanding!
Wednesday 8th February 2017
After Saturday neet and a busy couple of days, I felt a bit tired so I had one of those power naps, like the Power Ranger does. Particularly at the far post from a set-piece! .. Anyway, next thing I wakes up and I've got 7 missed calls from Chris Phillips. Jeez, I've missed me interview. He didn't sound happy by about the 5th message and the less said about the last two the better. I rings and apologises, but between me and you, I don't see eye to eye with old CP. Not after his report on the Fleetwood home match in August. I'd spoken to him after the game and said I saw a lot of positives from me team and it's a developing squad that could push for promotion, but he ignored that and described it as and I quote "the worst football match I've ever seen in my life" and we were "Lethargic, disinterested and lacking any ideas". Well, who's the fool now, eh! .. That said, he was reet. We were shocking, but I wouldn't put that in print meself or on some online diary!
Now last neet, I went oop to Dagenham to pick me new Ford up. I asked for a Mustang, to pose around in along the seafront, but Ron said the budget could only stretch to a second hand Ford Ka. Nice motor it is, though. Only nine previous owners, so a bit like Hull City!
Whilst in that neck of the woods, I thought I'd go and see Leyton Orient for a laugh. They didn't disappoint. Being beaten at home by a team who are playing for fun at the moment. They literally are, as they haven't been paid since October! .. There was a nice touch before the game, as Orient had a parade of former managers on the pitch. Quite a few there were, as they were read out over the tannoy. Turns out, it was just this season's lot!
Anyway, another day, another dollar as they say. Onwards!
After Saturday neet and a busy couple of days, I felt a bit tired so I had one of those power naps, like the Power Ranger does. Particularly at the far post from a set-piece! .. Anyway, next thing I wakes up and I've got 7 missed calls from Chris Phillips. Jeez, I've missed me interview. He didn't sound happy by about the 5th message and the less said about the last two the better. I rings and apologises, but between me and you, I don't see eye to eye with old CP. Not after his report on the Fleetwood home match in August. I'd spoken to him after the game and said I saw a lot of positives from me team and it's a developing squad that could push for promotion, but he ignored that and described it as and I quote "the worst football match I've ever seen in my life" and we were "Lethargic, disinterested and lacking any ideas". Well, who's the fool now, eh! .. That said, he was reet. We were shocking, but I wouldn't put that in print meself or on some online diary!
Now last neet, I went oop to Dagenham to pick me new Ford up. I asked for a Mustang, to pose around in along the seafront, but Ron said the budget could only stretch to a second hand Ford Ka. Nice motor it is, though. Only nine previous owners, so a bit like Hull City!
Whilst in that neck of the woods, I thought I'd go and see Leyton Orient for a laugh. They didn't disappoint. Being beaten at home by a team who are playing for fun at the moment. They literally are, as they haven't been paid since October! .. There was a nice touch before the game, as Orient had a parade of former managers on the pitch. Quite a few there were, as they were read out over the tannoy. Turns out, it was just this season's lot!
Anyway, another day, another dollar as they say. Onwards!
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Thursday 9th February 2017
I forgot to mention the other day that Graham Alexander called me up on Sunday, about Neal Bishop's sending off. He says that as I'm always up before the FA that maybe I could put in a good word. He said Neal's a young 35 year old lad who thought that kicking an opponent off the ball was all part of the rules. I says I'll have a word for him and in return, I'll expect Graham's boys to thrash our play-off rivals in the upcoming games. He said it's a deal, as he put the phone down. I calls up Demi and asks if he'll write an email saying he didn't mind being booted up in the air and he agrees!
Demi did ask for a favour in return, as his sister had a leaky cistern and wanted him to pop round, so could he miss training on Monday and Tuesday. I says aye, no problem, but why will it take so long. He says cos she lives in Nicosia! .. I cannae say no, so off he goes to collect his car from Roots Hall for the drive to Gatwick.
So, yesterday, he's still not back for training and not answering his phone, so I'm getting concerned. Whitey says not to worry, as he'll fill in at right-back, but I'm having none of it. Eventually, I get a call to report urgently to Roots Hall. When I arrive, there's a team of firemen in the car park with cranes and ropes. I asks what's going on and they say there's a fella trapped at the bottom of one of the potholes!. Turns out it's old Demi. Eventually, he is winched free. He'd been down there since Sunday neet. I asks what it was like and he says it was dark, scary and lonely. Bit like living in Walsall. He also found a few things at the bottom and after a coffee, he tells me. Would you believe it, 20 bags of onions, an old war chest and the remains of Nile Ranger's career! .. Funny what you find when you're not even looking!
Good news is he is fully recovered and fit for Saturday, though his sister Isn't best pleased with us!
I forgot to mention the other day that Graham Alexander called me up on Sunday, about Neal Bishop's sending off. He says that as I'm always up before the FA that maybe I could put in a good word. He said Neal's a young 35 year old lad who thought that kicking an opponent off the ball was all part of the rules. I says I'll have a word for him and in return, I'll expect Graham's boys to thrash our play-off rivals in the upcoming games. He said it's a deal, as he put the phone down. I calls up Demi and asks if he'll write an email saying he didn't mind being booted up in the air and he agrees!
Demi did ask for a favour in return, as his sister had a leaky cistern and wanted him to pop round, so could he miss training on Monday and Tuesday. I says aye, no problem, but why will it take so long. He says cos she lives in Nicosia! .. I cannae say no, so off he goes to collect his car from Roots Hall for the drive to Gatwick.
So, yesterday, he's still not back for training and not answering his phone, so I'm getting concerned. Whitey says not to worry, as he'll fill in at right-back, but I'm having none of it. Eventually, I get a call to report urgently to Roots Hall. When I arrive, there's a team of firemen in the car park with cranes and ropes. I asks what's going on and they say there's a fella trapped at the bottom of one of the potholes!. Turns out it's old Demi. Eventually, he is winched free. He'd been down there since Sunday neet. I asks what it was like and he says it was dark, scary and lonely. Bit like living in Walsall. He also found a few things at the bottom and after a coffee, he tells me. Would you believe it, 20 bags of onions, an old war chest and the remains of Nile Ranger's career! .. Funny what you find when you're not even looking!
Good news is he is fully recovered and fit for Saturday, though his sister Isn't best pleased with us!
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Friday 10th February 2017
Yer see, good old Demi found Nile's career down that pothole and he's back, back, back! .. Now I know he hasn't trained for a month, has been to court and also become a member of the mile high club, so is hardly match-fit, but he's in me thoughts for tomorrow, as despite all that, he's a better bet than Noodle and Hines, combined!
Talking of tomorrow, reminds me of those old times of visiting Millwall in me playing days. Back then, you'd be spat on, have coins thrown at yer and called filthy Northern scum .. And that was just from the reception staff at the pre-match hotel! .. Neil 'Chopper' Harris assures me that it's as safe as houses these days, though, with opposing fans greeted by the locals with garlands of flowers, free wine & beer and a good old cockney knees up in Borough Market, even laying on and paying for taxis to the ground. What halcyon days we live in!
When we played them in the FA Cup, Neil said he was bemused as to why I call him 'Chopper'. He says I'm confusing him with legendary Chelsea defender and all-round thug, Ron Harris. I tells him that anyone with the surname Harris is called 'Chopper' where I come from. There was Whispering Chopper and the Old Grey Whistle Test, Chopper and Orville and, of course, Chopper, two little boys and a didgeridoo! .. However, those allegations proved unfounded after a thorough investigation!
Anyhoo, I cannae wait until tomorrow. I loves a local derby. 1,500 Shrimpers cheering us on with TBV in full cry. Let 'em all come down to The Den, I say!
Yer see, good old Demi found Nile's career down that pothole and he's back, back, back! .. Now I know he hasn't trained for a month, has been to court and also become a member of the mile high club, so is hardly match-fit, but he's in me thoughts for tomorrow, as despite all that, he's a better bet than Noodle and Hines, combined!
Talking of tomorrow, reminds me of those old times of visiting Millwall in me playing days. Back then, you'd be spat on, have coins thrown at yer and called filthy Northern scum .. And that was just from the reception staff at the pre-match hotel! .. Neil 'Chopper' Harris assures me that it's as safe as houses these days, though, with opposing fans greeted by the locals with garlands of flowers, free wine & beer and a good old cockney knees up in Borough Market, even laying on and paying for taxis to the ground. What halcyon days we live in!
When we played them in the FA Cup, Neil said he was bemused as to why I call him 'Chopper'. He says I'm confusing him with legendary Chelsea defender and all-round thug, Ron Harris. I tells him that anyone with the surname Harris is called 'Chopper' where I come from. There was Whispering Chopper and the Old Grey Whistle Test, Chopper and Orville and, of course, Chopper, two little boys and a didgeridoo! .. However, those allegations proved unfounded after a thorough investigation!
Anyhoo, I cannae wait until tomorrow. I loves a local derby. 1,500 Shrimpers cheering us on with TBV in full cry. Let 'em all come down to The Den, I say!
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fbm
Blue tinted optimist⭐
Suffolk Shrimper In Dorset
Director⭐⭐
Horts here again. I’ve been as busy as a bog roll in the East Green’s Ladies, and me agent Fenn Wright says I’ve gotta put meself out there and tell folk so they know how much I’m worth. Well, what a week. First, Boss gets me playing Subbuteo with fit again Mooners to teach him the offside rule – **** knows what that is so after Mooners knelt on all of me players we gave up and went down Boots & Laces for a beer. There we bump into Adam who is looking a bit bored using his head as a parking mirror for the first team squad so the three of us go and play with that giant Meccano set they’ve got down there. Terrific fun, I built a platform to stand on in the dugout so I can be seen and Mooners constructed a new bench for the subs of the subs. Adam just walked around in circles thumping his badge and singing ‘Oh Tilly I love you’.
Anyways, also this week Boss told me to go and chaperon Power Ranger, he says don’t let him out of your sight. Two days later I go and tell Boss I never found him. Looked ****in everywhere – the M&S food hall, the RNLI hut at the end of the pier (waited 20 hours for a train before deciding to walk), and I even broke in to the soft play area In Adventure Island, but I couldn’t see him anywhere. So, I get one of his ‘If truth be known’ stares but, pulling a rabbit out of the training bag I instantly say I’ll organise the travel to Millwall and run off to Thomas Cook’s. A quick glance back sees Boss jumping up and down and starting to cry, never mind this will cheer him up I think as I hot foot it to Cookies via the change pot Uncle Ron keeps for HMRC fines and ground repairs.
Boss hasn’t been the same since I beat him 36 games to 35 at Buckaroo the other night but this will win him round. Three hours and I’m well happy, four rowing boats plus a pedalo for the Boss (nice touch that I thought) all waiting for us at the end of the pier on Saturday, meal vouchers for Luggy & Son’s Café in a pre-match food fuel stop off at Tilbury Docks, and 20 skate boards (two for Ben) when we arrive at Greenwich. No coach **** up this time.
Bring it on. Up the Vale.
Anyways, also this week Boss told me to go and chaperon Power Ranger, he says don’t let him out of your sight. Two days later I go and tell Boss I never found him. Looked ****in everywhere – the M&S food hall, the RNLI hut at the end of the pier (waited 20 hours for a train before deciding to walk), and I even broke in to the soft play area In Adventure Island, but I couldn’t see him anywhere. So, I get one of his ‘If truth be known’ stares but, pulling a rabbit out of the training bag I instantly say I’ll organise the travel to Millwall and run off to Thomas Cook’s. A quick glance back sees Boss jumping up and down and starting to cry, never mind this will cheer him up I think as I hot foot it to Cookies via the change pot Uncle Ron keeps for HMRC fines and ground repairs.
Boss hasn’t been the same since I beat him 36 games to 35 at Buckaroo the other night but this will win him round. Three hours and I’m well happy, four rowing boats plus a pedalo for the Boss (nice touch that I thought) all waiting for us at the end of the pier on Saturday, meal vouchers for Luggy & Son’s Café in a pre-match food fuel stop off at Tilbury Docks, and 20 skate boards (two for Ben) when we arrive at Greenwich. No coach **** up this time.
Bring it on. Up the Vale.
Saturday 11th February 2017
I was sitting there, yesterday, reading the interview with Stan Collyflower that the Echo did, as they couldn't get hold of me the other morning. Some interesting stuff there about how he became a legend, despite not even playing a full season. One thing did interest me was about how fellow players used to sell things to make ends meet. Reminded me of old Georgiomani, who I had at Hull City. He came from a poor background and as Hull weren't great payers, he had to make ends meet to send money home to his family in Brazil. Every day at training he'd pitch up with something to flog. Magazines, trainers, t-shirts, double glazing, fitted kitchens, you name it. He would even sell his own grandmother! .. She was a lady of the night in Belo Horizonte!
I says to him one day that I dannae mind all the wheeling and dealing, as long as he sells the opposition a dummy on Saturday. Always a witty one-liner me! .. Anyhoo, turns out he took me literally and managed to sell a life-size mannequin of Pele to Emmanuel Adebuyer after the Man City match. Emmanuel loved it and it came in handy when he went to Crystal Palace. Often he would put some dreadlocks on it and a Palace shirt and send it out on the pitch instead of himself, while he sat in the changing room with his feet up listening to reggae. It worked and indeed regulars at the Whitehorse Lane End remarked on the improved effort and performance in recent matches!
Anyway, thankfully the lads here aren't into that sort of thing and are fully focused on today's match. I've had a bit of a dilemma, as I have a plethora of strikers to choose from, so I thought the fairest way was to draw them out of a hat. I ended up starting with Noodle and Ranger, so I abandoned the idea. I'll be naming an unchanged side. Mainly cos I only booked a 20 seater coach!
Reet, I'm off to The Den. See you all there for another 3 points!
I was sitting there, yesterday, reading the interview with Stan Collyflower that the Echo did, as they couldn't get hold of me the other morning. Some interesting stuff there about how he became a legend, despite not even playing a full season. One thing did interest me was about how fellow players used to sell things to make ends meet. Reminded me of old Georgiomani, who I had at Hull City. He came from a poor background and as Hull weren't great payers, he had to make ends meet to send money home to his family in Brazil. Every day at training he'd pitch up with something to flog. Magazines, trainers, t-shirts, double glazing, fitted kitchens, you name it. He would even sell his own grandmother! .. She was a lady of the night in Belo Horizonte!
I says to him one day that I dannae mind all the wheeling and dealing, as long as he sells the opposition a dummy on Saturday. Always a witty one-liner me! .. Anyhoo, turns out he took me literally and managed to sell a life-size mannequin of Pele to Emmanuel Adebuyer after the Man City match. Emmanuel loved it and it came in handy when he went to Crystal Palace. Often he would put some dreadlocks on it and a Palace shirt and send it out on the pitch instead of himself, while he sat in the changing room with his feet up listening to reggae. It worked and indeed regulars at the Whitehorse Lane End remarked on the improved effort and performance in recent matches!
Anyway, thankfully the lads here aren't into that sort of thing and are fully focused on today's match. I've had a bit of a dilemma, as I have a plethora of strikers to choose from, so I thought the fairest way was to draw them out of a hat. I ended up starting with Noodle and Ranger, so I abandoned the idea. I'll be naming an unchanged side. Mainly cos I only booked a 20 seater coach!
Reet, I'm off to The Den. See you all there for another 3 points!
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