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Pale Blue Dot

SZPW WORLD CHAMPION
Joined
Jan 23, 2007
Messages
3,663
Location
You probably think I'm in your tape deck now
Here below are the official rules of stealing other people's lighters. Although stealing lighters is despicable and morally wrong, it is always going to happen whether it be an accident or you're going all out to steal it.So I have written the OFFICIAL rules of stealing lighters so we all have a code of conduct to follow and you can then officially punch someone in the mouth if they steal your lighter without following these guidelines.


The Background

Stealing lighters has been a hobby of mine, and many other peoples around the world, for a long time. There's no better feeling than seeing a friend going mad shouting 'Who the **** has nicked my lighter?!'. But then there's the flipside. You will be walking home after a good smoke at a friend's house and you decide you want a cigarette.Then search all your pockets and realise, this time, you're the victim. Sometimes you can boast about the quality of lighter you stole last night or sometimes your screaming because a lighter that cost £2.00 in Spar has gone 'walkies'. The 'game' of lighter stealing is good when you're winning, but can still provoke murder when you're losing.


Common types of Lighter

1. 'The Disposable'

The most common and most accidently stolen lighter. These lighters dont cost much to buy and dont give much stealing satisfaction but many times you will find you accidently put this in your pocket rather than the victims.

2. 'The Clipper'
The Clipper is good steal for any good lighter thief, especially when they are brand new and still have the white barcode sticker on the back.

3. 'The Clipper Elite'
The Clipper Elite is the rarest of standard Clippers so it will be a big target. Theres absolutley no difference between the Clipper and the Clipper Elite except for the word 'Elite'. Obviously this makes a world of difference.

4. 'The Novelty Disposal'
The Novelty Disposable lighter is a bonus theft. They are very rare, so when they appear, everyone is out to steal it.

5. 'The Novelty Clipper'
Stealing this lighter can give you a lighter thief reputation. If your found out, the person you stole it from will probably never forgive you. This is the lighter stealing equivilent of the Clipper Elite x 10.

6. 'The Jet Lighter'
These lighters come in all kinds of shapes and sizes, cost about £3.00 and run out of gas at an extraordinary rate. This makes them all the more rare and all the more appealing. The victim will be very ****ed off if this leaves his possesion.

7. 'The Zippo'
Under no circumstances should a Zippo lighter be stolen, it is strictly forbidden in the lighter thief circle. These lighters can cost £20 or over so stealing this is like stealing an eigth. If you steal these, I hope somebody beats you to death with one. *******.



The Rules

1. 'The 24 Hour Rule'
The most important of all rules and must be adhered to at all times. This rule is designed to give the victim a right to get his/her lighter back. This means that if the victim discovers his/her stolen lighter in the thieves' possession within 24 hours of stealing it, the lighter must be returned immediately. If the thief has had the lighter for more than 24 hours it is then owned by him and can be legally used in anyway he wants. This includes enticing the victim by waving in front of them while singing 'I nicked your lighter'.
The exact time is never usually taken down but it is up to the thief to keep the lighter undiscovered well over the 24 hours as all discrepancies are given in favour of the victim.

2. 'Hiding'
Once a lighter is stolen it must be kept on the thief's person and must not, in any circumstances, be hidden anywhere else i.e. under a bed, down the side of a sofa etc. The thief still has many places to hide a lighter on themselves such as in the sock, in the sleeve or even, if possible to remain undetected, in the mouth. It is forbidden to hide a lighter in any kind of underwear or around the crotch area, as this affects the 'Searching an Accused' rule, below.

3. 'Passing Rule'
When a lighter has been stolen it can be passed around the room secretly between 2 or more people to fool the victim, until the victim accuses someone, and then the passing must cease. The victim is then allowed to search the accused as he sees fit (See 'Searching an accused') and the thief who is in possession at that time must keep the lighter.

4. 'Searching an Accused'
Another rule created in favour of the victim. After having a lighter stolen the victim will accuse somebody of that theft and he then has right to search that person using the police/bouncer search method or 'pat down' as it is commonly known as. The victim can search that one person only and if the lighter is not found the victim must get used to the fact his lighter has gone unless the victim has a good reason to search somebody else.These reasons can include overhearing who has the lighter, an informer grassing a thief up or catching sight of the lighter again.
The crotch area is not allowed to be searched as it is against the rules for the thief to hide the lighter there.

5. 'Swearing on your Mother's Life'
This rule can be used against thieves to find out who has got the lighter. If your accused of having the stolen lighter and you are too stoned to get up and be searched, you can swear on your mother's life you haven't got it. If you're lying and you have got it, the consequences speak for themselves. This cannot be used to force people to grass on each other.


Stealing Techniques

These skills can take practice to master but when used properly and efficiently, lighters can be stolen and the victim wont even know its gone.

1. 'Borrowing'
By far and away the most common tactic used by the lighter thief. You ask a friend for a light, take ages to use it until the friend has forgotten about it, then place in the pocket. Simple, yet highly effective method. The problem with this trick is you always have to hope that they forget who they lent it to or accuse someone else. If they search someone else and no-one grasses on you, you're home and dry.

2. 'The Distraction Method'
The oldest trick in the book and not just used in the art of lighter stealing. This is usually only performed when somebody has left a lighter on a table. You cunningly avert the victims attention by pointing at something. A picture of Jennifer Metcalfe works wonders as the victim will stare for that fraction longer, leaving you more time to swipe the lighter and hide in an appropriate place.

3. 'Pickpocketing'
Pickpocketing is very risky and if someone catches you with your hand in their pocket you would be looking at serious Nipple Twist at the very least. This is more of an opportuinist technique and is best used when the lighter is hanging out of the pocket.

4. 'The Magician'
A crafty skill that takes practice, good lying skills and a big sleeve. You borrow the lighter and light your cigarette/spliff. As the victim takes his/her eyes off the lighter for a second, drop it down the sleeve. When the victim asks where the lighter went you have to blame the person next to you, say you dropped it or, if your really good at lying, tell the victim a squirrel ran past, grabbed it and ran off.


Defending your Lighter

More often than not you will go out at night with only one lighter with you so your going to need to stop theives taking it. These prevention tactics are a good start to keeping your lighter throughout the night.

1. Keep Your Eye On It
If you lend someone a lighter, keep your eye on it. Dont let someone move your attention away from it no matter how stoned you are or how clever the distraction is.

2. Be Careful Who you Lend It Too
Theres always some mother****er who spends the entire time trying to steal everyone in the rooms lighters. This person is beyond a joke so the solution to this problem is: Dont lend them your lighter under any circumstances. If they can't light a spliff then keep the lighter in your hand and light it for them, reminding them that your wouldn't have to do that if he/she wasnt such a thieving ****.

3. Let the ******* Steal a Joke Lighter
Go to the joke shop. Purchase one joke electric shock or exploding lighter. Go to mates house. Leave joke lighter out for thief to steal. If you have ever been tricked by one of these lighters you will realise why this is a good idea. When I bought an electric shock one I decided to test it to see if it really was that bad. I nearly ****ed myself. Try one yourself...

Conclusion
If you dont want your lighter to be stolen, dont bring one out with you. Innocent people who do not know the rules can also become victims of lighter theft so be warned. The enitire point of this is stealing the lighter and then boasting about the quality of lighter you stole. More often than not it will be a disposable lighter but even though its funny to picture a person's face when they are in need of a nicotine intake and they realise their 50p lighter has been stolen, its all the more pleasing to picture their face when they realise their Clipper Elite or Jet Lighter is in your pocket rather than theirs.It's just a bit of fun and most lighters dont cost much more than £2.00 so killing someone because they stole your lighter in the shape of breasts isnt advised. Take this page as warning and hone your skills and soon you will be stoned and laughing at the thought of a friend having to ask a granny for a light. And then stealing the grannies lighter as payback.

PLEASE FOLLOW THE RULES AND REMEMBER ITS ONLY A LIGHTER!

 
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