The top tips thread

[Mad Cyril]

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

 

[please delete my account]

Blind People, give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not
wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

Grated cheddar cheese from the supermarket can be squashed tightly
together with the fingers to produce a block of cheese, ready for
slicing or grating.

 

[Napster]

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get ****ed, lie in a pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

 

[Pubey]

Girls - on the blob and forgotten to bring a tampon to work? Just bleed on the chair and pretend you sat on a strawberry

 

[Napster]

BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.

 

[Napster]

Pretend you`re a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.

Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance

 

[Pubey]

men, make sure that your lady always gets to sleep in the wet patch by
ejaculating into her side of the bed before she gets into it.

can't get a blow job? Simply strip bollock naked, plonk yourself
arse-first into an empty dustbin, and you should be able
to do it yourself. Use a pile of tyres instead of a dustbin if you
require deep throat.

hahaha!!!.........

 

[Rayleigh Weir]

If you have managed to disable your left shift key, backspace key, and the a, s, d, f keys, get a new keyboard.

Really? So one doesn't post for help on a public forum before first checking for hardware issues?

Well, you live and learn

my keybor i broken, plee help?

 

[steveo]

Really? So one doesn't post for help on a public forum before first checking for hardware issues?

Well, you live and learn

No, that would be a ridiculous waste of other peoples time.

 

[londonblue]

Save money on having your shirts dry cleaned at £1.50 a shirt. Take them to Oxfam, let them clean and iron them, and buy them back the next day for 60p.

(That came from Viz.)

 

[Pubey]

when on holiday in portugal, don't leave your kids asleep unattended whilst you are wineing and dining.

 

[Mad Cyril]

Make your neighbours think you have won the lottery by cheering loudly at 8pm every Saturday night.

 

[Mad Cyril]

Make your neighbours think their house is underwater by climbing on their roof and dangling a fish on a piece of string outside their lounge window.

 

[Yorkshire Blue]

when on holiday in portugal, don't leave your kids asleep unattended whilst you are wineing and dining.

What if it was always your ambition to meet the Pope?

 

[EastStandBlue]

when on holiday in portugal, don't leave your kids asleep unattended whilst you are wineing and dining.

Whatever pays the mortgage though...

 

[Mad Cyril]

MOTHERS Don't use poisonous shampoos on your children's hair to get
rid of headlice. Scare them away using a dinner plate and an anglepoise lamp
to cast a terrifying 'Independence Day' shadow over your child's head.
A. Feather
Caterham

MUMS. A strip of banana peel tacked to the bottom of
children's shoes allows them to be towed effortlessly
around supermarkets.
J. Tait
Thropton

CONVERT black labrador dogs into seals by feeding them pastries,
sweets and cakes, starving them of exercise, slipping a pair of
black socks onto their front paws and smearing their coats
in vaseline. Then encourage them to balance a beach ball on
their nose in return for fish-shaped dog biscuits.
R. Crosbie
Cheltenham

STOP birds nesting in your garden by collecting all the twigs
and moss in your neighbourhood and hiding it in your garden shed.
P. Reaney
Rothwell

STOP squirrels and birds taking food from your bird table by
placing the food inside a biscuit tin, and securing the lid with
heavy duty tape.
P. Reaney
Rothwell

PREVENT bees and butterflies stealing your pollen by enclosing
each flower head in a plastic bag securely fastened around
the stem with a clothes pin.
P. Reaney
Rothwell

 

[sosman]

Two money saving household tips:

1. Don't waste money on an expensive burgular alarm. Simply dress up as a policeman and stand outside your house all the time. Simple!

2. Avoid spending money on costly doorbell batteries by disconnecting the doorbell and instead opening the front door every few minutes to see if anyone is there.

 

[MK Shrimper]

Avoid buying expensive binoculars by just standing closer to the thing you want to view.