Tommy Cooper

[South Bank Hank]

You can't beat a bit of Tommy so which was his best?

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

3. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, No, the steaks are too high.


4. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


5. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!". The doctor replied, "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".


6. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank. Proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.


7. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


8. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it".


9. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well", says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What, because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy".


10. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside". "How's that?" "Don't you start".


11. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom! !!


12. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great; the world's your oyster, go for it."


13. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? I think its Colin.


14. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round". The other
one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

15. Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

 

[Shrimp_Stu]

Too many to choose from.

One of my favourites has always been:

So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died."

 

[dloman]

Funny man, but most of those are actually Not Tommy but are from Tim Vine

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tim_Vine

http://www.thehumorarchives.com/joke/Fantastic_Tim_Vine_one-liners

 

[dloman]

more Tim Vine gags below:

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
Tim Vine

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
Tim Vine

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
Tim Vine

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought 'he's trying to pull a fast one'.
Tim Vine

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.
Tim Vine

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.
Tim Vine

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
Tim Vine

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
Tim Vine

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.
Tim Vine

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
Tim Vine

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Tim Vine

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
Tim Vine

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
Tim Vine

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
Tim Vine

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
Tim Vine

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
Tim Vine

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
Tim Vine

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.
Tim Vine

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
Tim Vine

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
Tim Vine

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
Tim Vine

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
Tim Vine

 

[South Bank Hank]

Ah well, someone sent me an e-mail this morning with these as Tommy Cooper gags...

C'est la vie.

They only seem to work for me if I read them aloud in my best Tommy Cooper voice wearing my best red fez!

 

[Napster]

Funny man, but most of those are actually Not Tommy but are from Tim Vine

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tim_Vine

http://www.thehumorarchives.com/joke/Fantastic_Tim_Vine_one-liners

Beat me to it. I've seen Tim Vine twice live, and he is hilarious. My girlfriend booked us tickets in the front row, which meant I was picked on a few times, but being Tim Vine, it was was pretty harmless.

 

[Matt the Shrimp]

The Ho-Cha-Chu gag is Cooper's though, isn't it? That's why I voted for it...

:)

 

[Cricko2]

Man walks into a doctor's ..says..every time I lift my arm up it here it hurts what do you think Doctor.....He says well dont lift it up there. TC i think

 

[dloman]

The Ho-Cha-Chu gag is Cooper's though, isn't it? That's why I voted for it...

:)

Sorry that one is almost certainly a Tim Vine one.

The confusion came about from an email a few years back, in which it stated Tommy Cooper gags and unfortunately not one of them was.

The person who sent it didn't even spot that one of them even said Mr Vine in it.

Which would would bring me on to my favourite Tim Vine gag:

So i was in the supermarket and i saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode, i said "Are you two an item?"

 

[Mr Wooly]

Beat me to it. I've seen Tim Vine twice live, and he is hilarious. My girlfriend booked us tickets in the front row, which meant I was picked on a few times, but being Tim Vine, it was was pretty harmless.

Same here. Saw him in Enfield last year, and nearly died with laughter. Bloke's a genius!

We also arranged for him to send my uni housemate a birthday card. In the card, his final line was ..

"Take care... not drugs!"

:D

His DVD is awesome as well.

 

[canveyshrimper]

I recall Tommy Cooper talking about package tours which was on the lines of.

"Been to Spain two years running, we're going by plane this year"

and "Went into a dive, 500 pesetas to get in and the drinks were watered down"

Or others like
I went to the doctors, and said doctor I've swalled a spoon. He said sit down and don't stir.

 

[Matt the Shrimp]

Sorry that one is almost certainly a Tim Vine one.

Hmm... I think I'm going to disagree with you there. I am 90% sure that I've seen footage of Tommy Cooper telling that gag - and, to be fair, Cooper predates Tim Vine by quite a few years!!

:thump:

I have been reminded, however, of my favourite Cooper gag, which is the "glass - bottle... bottle - glass" gag he does with the three upturned cups. It's just one of those ones you have to see - absolutely brilliant.

:D

 

[Bielzibubz]

Ah, Mr Cooper. They certainly don't make em like that any more. Probably the only comedian I have ever seen that has managed to make me guffaw with laughter without having to actually do or say anything. The man was a comedic genius.

 

[C C Csiders]

My favourie Tommy Cooper gag, which as always is best delivered in your very best Cooper-esque impression, is:

I walked into the butcher's and I said "A pound of bacon please"

The butcher replied "Lean back?"

Cooper, arches his back 45 degrees: "A pound of bacon please"