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palexander

Life President
Joined
Oct 27, 2003
Messages
7,286
Location
C*lchester
Saw this on Football 365. Always nice to have a chuckle at the neighbours...

Watching Colchester can be dismal and it’s usually pretty uneventful, but last night I had the most bizarre and disturbing evening I can remember.
As Paul, the bloke I normally go to games with, was working, I arranged to sit next to “Clive” (not his real name), someone to whom Paul introduced me a couple of seasons ago and whom I’ve met a few times since.
You get a lot of blokes like him at lower league football – mid 40s, scruffy, slightly dribbly.
Last time I saw him, about six months ago, he told me he’d just split from his wife.
I think I know why…
I took my seat at kick-off and wondered where he’d got to.
A couple of minutes into the game, I absent-mindedly stepped aside to let a woman take her seat, my concentration being on the game.
Only when ‘she’ said “No, that’s my seat” did I recognise the voice and realise it was “Clive”, wearing a long chestnut-coloured wig, an excess of foundation, which didn’t quite cover the 5 o’clock shadow, and a vat of cheap perfume. He’d hastily painted his nails, but in a concession to normality was wearing his Colchester United shirt, albeit stuffed with who knows what to create the impression of tits.
Once I’d got over the (considerable) shock, I began to wonder about how this must look to all the other blokes sat round us – “Oh dear, I don’t fancy yours much” “Oh, you make a lovely couple” and all that.
I found it quite hard to concentrate on the game.
 
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