Slipperduke
The Camden Cad
There was a point last night where I was so bored I actually thought I was just going to stop breathing. Like a floundering man in icy water, my system was beginning to shut down on me.
To be fair, Switzerland against Ukraine never really hurled itself off the page at me. It always looked like it might be a bit tight, but you just don't know with these things. Ukraine, debutants at this level, would surely be looking to impose themselves, wouldn't they? And what about Switzerland? It’s been 12 years since they got to the Second Round. They'd be eager to improve on that with a relatively simple fixture. No.
Faced with a wall of yellow shirts, the Swiss gallantly lived up to their national stereotypes and refused to show any fight at all. Mundane Ukraine looked slightly confused by Switzerland's trepidation and, perhaps sensing a trap, decided to hide behind the half-way line.
The 120 minutes that followed should have carried a health warning. Five minutes into injury time, a friend called me up.
"I'm in a pub without a telly," he said. "What's happening?"
"Nothing," I muttered sadly. "Nothing is happening. Nothing has happened. Nothing will ever happen. This is as bad as it gets."
Now penalty shoot-outs are usually something to savour. They're a buttock-clenching display of nerves and guts, like the final gun-fight at the end of a Western. Someone has to win and someone has to lose. Obviously, it's horrible if your team is involved, but it's hilarious if you're neutral.
How Switzerland and Ukraine managed to make this boring is beyond me. First Andreiy Shevchenko stepped up to once again show off the bottle that has successfully kept the Champions League out of AC Milan's clutches for a few years now. Then Switzerland, anxious to maintain parity, threw their penalty away. A Ukranian, keen to hold on to the 0-0 scoreline, was callously let down by the Swiss goalkeeper who hurled himself out the way of his tame effort. And then the cherry on the cake. The Worst Penalty Of All Time. I shall spare the poor chap a mention, suffice to say he shaped to hit right, aimed left and succeeded only in scuffing it down the middle. Up in the Bavarian night sky, the sound of Gareth Southgate's laughter drifted across the wind.
Ukraine progressed in the end, but they took our innocence with them. Surely now, FIFA must see fit to eliminate both teams for dragging our game through the mud? Perhaps Ivory Coast can be re-instated? Or maybe Czech Republic? Or anyone?
It was a sorry night for football. As I write this, I hear rumours that support groups are being set up for those who had to watch the whole thing. There may even be commemorative wristbands, "Make Switzerland-Ukraine History."
Can you think of a worse fixture ever?
To be fair, Switzerland against Ukraine never really hurled itself off the page at me. It always looked like it might be a bit tight, but you just don't know with these things. Ukraine, debutants at this level, would surely be looking to impose themselves, wouldn't they? And what about Switzerland? It’s been 12 years since they got to the Second Round. They'd be eager to improve on that with a relatively simple fixture. No.
Faced with a wall of yellow shirts, the Swiss gallantly lived up to their national stereotypes and refused to show any fight at all. Mundane Ukraine looked slightly confused by Switzerland's trepidation and, perhaps sensing a trap, decided to hide behind the half-way line.
The 120 minutes that followed should have carried a health warning. Five minutes into injury time, a friend called me up.
"I'm in a pub without a telly," he said. "What's happening?"
"Nothing," I muttered sadly. "Nothing is happening. Nothing has happened. Nothing will ever happen. This is as bad as it gets."
Now penalty shoot-outs are usually something to savour. They're a buttock-clenching display of nerves and guts, like the final gun-fight at the end of a Western. Someone has to win and someone has to lose. Obviously, it's horrible if your team is involved, but it's hilarious if you're neutral.
How Switzerland and Ukraine managed to make this boring is beyond me. First Andreiy Shevchenko stepped up to once again show off the bottle that has successfully kept the Champions League out of AC Milan's clutches for a few years now. Then Switzerland, anxious to maintain parity, threw their penalty away. A Ukranian, keen to hold on to the 0-0 scoreline, was callously let down by the Swiss goalkeeper who hurled himself out the way of his tame effort. And then the cherry on the cake. The Worst Penalty Of All Time. I shall spare the poor chap a mention, suffice to say he shaped to hit right, aimed left and succeeded only in scuffing it down the middle. Up in the Bavarian night sky, the sound of Gareth Southgate's laughter drifted across the wind.
Ukraine progressed in the end, but they took our innocence with them. Surely now, FIFA must see fit to eliminate both teams for dragging our game through the mud? Perhaps Ivory Coast can be re-instated? Or maybe Czech Republic? Or anyone?
It was a sorry night for football. As I write this, I hear rumours that support groups are being set up for those who had to watch the whole thing. There may even be commemorative wristbands, "Make Switzerland-Ukraine History."
Can you think of a worse fixture ever?
