Your Jokes, Strictly for the Pub only.

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. Anti-constitutionalistically 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. No thanks, I'm married. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Lamb Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry. 5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke. 7. I'm not interested in fighting you. 8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool! 9. Where is the nearest Loo? I refuse to pee in this shop doorway or on the side of the road. 10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

 

[Firestorm]

I phoned up a rape advice line this morning. Unfortunately it was for victims only!.

They told me that 9 out of 10 people enjoyed Gang rape

 

[londonblue]

They asked me to run a marathon, and I told them where to go. They said, "come on, it's for spastics and blind kids." I thought, "blimey I could win this".

 

[GBJ]

I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow.
I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels.
I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to **** the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I'll take a **** on the floor and **** everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant ****

Let's see Crimewatch ****ing stage a reconstruction of that.

 

[Lancashire shrimper]

Due to a water shortage in Ireland, the swimming baths in Cork and Dublin have announced they will be closing lanes 3, 4, and 5 until further notice.

 

[BoyWonder2]

Selling biscuits for 27p thats Asda price. Selling toys for 99p thats fisher price. Selling pathetic rape stories to the press thats Katie Price.

 

[GBJ]

That's about as much use as Anne Frank's drum kit

 

[GBJ]

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
His wife is lying in bed reading.
The man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
His wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."
The man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity.

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. On all your cheque stubs, write 'For drugs and booze'.

3. Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get.

4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

5. Sing along at the Opera.

6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'

7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

8. Tell your wife and children over dinner, 'Due to the current state of the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.'

9. Pick up a box of condoms at Boots the chemist, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.

 

[sufc_tom]

A woman is taking golf lessons. She had started her 1st round when she was stung by a bee. She went back into the clubhousefor help. Her golf pro asked why she was back so early, she told him of the bee sting. "Where did it sting you?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole" she said. He nodded and said "Then your feet are too far apart."

 

[Benfleet A1]

7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

I laughed and dont know why.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

At the pet shop, a man spots a parrot without any feet. The man leans in, "Hey buddy, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"I wrap my little parrot willy around this wooden bar, kind of like a hook."

"Wow," says the guy. "I can't believe you're so smart! I'm taking you home."

Weeks go by, and the parrot not only understands everything the man says, but he gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Hey, I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the milkman."

"What happened?" asks the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the milkman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a silk nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened next?" asks the guy.

"Then, the milkman came into the house and lifted up your wife's nightgown," reports the parrot.

"Oh no!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"I don't know," says the parrot. "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a Hotel room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age. He asks, "How am I doing?, You can tell me in sailing terms.''

The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" he replies, "What's that supposed to mean?" She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back!"

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A Mother passing by her son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his
bed was nicely made and the bedroom was neat and tidy.

Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that
was addressed to “Mum” With the worst premonition she opened the
envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Mum:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is so much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion…Mum she’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really
hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don’t worry Mum. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren, if they survive.

Your loving son, John.


P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I
just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's in my drawer.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mum, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didnt forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mummy dies, we can blow them up and she will float to heaven." Johnny thinks thats neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mummy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mummy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mummys balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

The Italian.
One day I go to London and stay in a bigga hotel.

I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two pi ssa toast. She bring me only one p*ss.

I tella her I wanna two p*ss; she say, go to toilet - I say, you no understand, I wanna two p*ss on my plate. She say you betta no p*ss on plate, you sonna ma b*tch! I don't even know lady, she calla me somma ma b*tch.

Then I go to pharmacia with a cougha. The man he give me Lozenge ana tell me fa cough! - I don't even know man ana he tella me FA COUGH!

Later I got to eat soma lunch at Ricky's Place, the waitress she bring me spoon, a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock - She tell me everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you no understand, I wanna fock on table. She say you betta not fock on table you sonna ma b*tch - I not even know lady ana she call me sonna ma b*tch.

So, I go back to my hotel room, an there's no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheet, he tell me go to toilet. So, I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on bed. He say you betta not sheet on bed you sonna ma b*tch. I don't even know man ana he call me sonna ma b*tch!

I go to check out of hotel and man at desk say peace to you. I say peace on you too!, you sonna ma b*tch! - I GO BACK TO ITALY!!!

 

[davewebbsbrain]

I got arrested in B&Q today for punching a coloured lady on the tills. It wasn't my fault, my day told me to go in and get a Black and Decker

 

[davewebbsbrain]

Stevie Wonder was palying a 3 hour concert in Tokyo.
At the end he asked if there were any requests and a Japanese Man at the front shouts 'Play a Jazz Chord'.

So Stevie plays 15 minutes perfect Harlem Jazz. The same man then shouts 'No, play a Jazz Chord'

So Stevie shouts out 'If you think you can do any better, come up and have a go'

So the Japanese man gets up on stage, sits at the piano, picks up the microphone and starts singing...

'I Jazz Chord to say I ruv you...'

 

[duncan bulgaria]

Not sure if this has already done teh rounds but i've only just got it on text


Which celebrity Raped Jordan ??


Judging by the looks of Harvey it must of been Clyde from ' Every which way but Loose '

 

[Interpol Shrimper]

RECTUM STRETCHER

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied, 'I' m late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot *******? ' he asked.

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

Traffic Ticket - $95.00
Court Costs - $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face...............PRICELESS