Bad Jokes

[Benfleet boy]

Elephant says to the camel
" why are your boobs on your back?" Camel says
"That's a f**king good one coming from someone with a c*ck on their face!"
.....
Went to the sex shop the other day and bought a palestinian sex doll, got it home and the f**ker blew itself up
.....
The sad life of a penis... I only have one eye, my hairs a mess, my skins wrinkly, my relatives are nuts, my neighbours an arsehole and my only friend is a c*nt.
.....
I was nervous at first, it was big and long and went straight up. I had to try it it, i eased myself on to it and i like it. I went up and down on it, i love escalators now.
.....
A man went to the doctors and he says to the doctor
"I've got a bit of a problem"
And the doctor says
"Oh right, i guessed thats why your here, but go on"
And the man says
"I was arse raped by ans ELEPHANT"
Horrified the doctor says
"Oh my god, ok i better check you out"
After a few minutes the doctor looks at the man very puzzled and says
"Are you sure? cause an elephants **** is only 3 inches wide, your arse has stretched to ten"
And the man says
"Yes, the ******* fingered me first"
.....
"DOCTOR," said the embarrassed man, "I have a problem - I can't get it up for the missus any more."
"Bring your wife in and I'll see what I can do," said the doc. The next day the man returned with his missus.
"Please remove all your clothes," the doc told the wife. The woman obliged.
"OK, now turn all the way around. Now lie down, pleaseâ?¦ now put your legs in the airâ?¦right-o, I see. Alright, you can put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the man aside.
"You're in perfect health," he told him. "She didn't give me an erection either."
.....
A rabbit was sitting in the sun having a sh*t.
A bear came through the trees and said "good mornin rabbit, what you doin". The rabbit replied "its such a nice mornin I thought I'd have a sh*t in the sunshine.
Good Idea says the bear, I'll have one with you.
Both sitting having a sh*t when the bear says "tell me rabbit, do you have any problems with sh*t sticking to your fur?.
The rabbit replies "no, never"
So the bear picked him up and wiped his arse on him.
.....
A boy walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a House of ill repute and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted He said, "I want to have it off with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam mused for a moment and said, "alright but don't tell anyone", so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any venereal diseases?" Of course the Madam said no. He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to go to the clinic after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the cynical Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed amphibian behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.

After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of young boys. She will then get the Dose that I just caught".

When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the dose. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it".

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the clap, and HE'S THE ******* WHO RAN OVER MY FROG!"
.....
Four blondes enter a bar chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days..." And they order 10 glasses and 2 bottles of the most expencive champagne in the bar.
Shortly after, 3 other blondes walk in also chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days..."
Not long after, they are all drinking and chanting merrily, another 3 blondes skip in also chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days..." One blonde is carriying a jig-saw puzzle of the cookie monster which she lays on the table and they all startdancing, chanting and praising the cookie monster puzzle singing, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days..."
The bartender, unable to contain his curiousisty asks what's going on.
Where the blonde who carried in the jig-saw explained,"we're all sick and tired of all these bloody blonde jokes and people making fun of us and saying we're all dumb. So to prove we're not, this jig-saw says 2-4 years, but we all did it in 51 days!"
.....
A travelling magician had just finished up a 3 night gig,and was driving out of town one night on his way to the next town for a couple of shows.

As he drove on through the night he began to get tired.he happened to see a roadside sign up in the distance ,and slowed to read it.

"The Restwood Inn" 5 miles,the sign stated.

"aww,thats what I need",the magician thought to himself."grab a room,a few drinks,some
supper,and just relax""no one to bother me."

After checking in,grabbing a bite to eat,a few drinks. He decided to head down to the pool area for a late night soak in the hot tub before bed.

While relaxing in the hottub(having even more drinks)another gentlemen joined him in the tub.

"Hey!"the gentleman said "I know you!"
"No you dont" the magician said.
"Sure I do,you`re that magician fellow, show me a trick!" the gentleman asked.

The magician, gettig ****ed off that he was being bothered said "No, not tonight pal."

"Oh I get it" the gentleman said "just because you`re not on the stage with all you`re trick mirrors,and shadowy lights and you`re suit on to hide things up you`re sleeve you`re nothin,you`re just a fake!"

The magician thought to himself "OK you ******* I`ll show you a trick"

"Ok fella,I`ll show you a trick"

The gentleman nodded

"First,stand-up"

"Bend over"

"Now can you feel my thumb up your ***?"the magician aked.

"Sure I can"the gentleman stated "whats so great about that?"

The magician leaned over the gentleman`s back,waved both thumbs in his face and exclaimed,

"TA-DAA!!!"
.....
A soldier is caught masturbating in the shower room of the troop dormitory and before long finds himself in front of a General to explain himself.

The soldier gives such a great excuse that he is let off without any warning or censure.

What did he say? What would you say?

He said, "It's my soap, my ****, and I'll wash
it as fast as I damn well like."
......
Kevin was married to Wendy and they had been married for years but their sex life was getting a bit dull so Kevin decided that he would get 'Wendy' tattooed along the lenght of his penis to surprise her.

The next day he went home and dropped his dacks and showed wendy. She was surprised but confused at the same time
'Kevin why does it only say wy'
'because it says wendy when it is erect'
'oh' said wendy

The next day Kevin was having a tinkle in the public toilets. He looked over to the guy next to him and noticed that he had 'wy' tattooed on the lenght of his penis too 'are you married to a wendy too?' kevin asked
'nah mate' said the bloke
'mine says- Welcome to Wooloomaroo have a nice day'
.....
It's 3am and a husband is sitting at the kitchen table sipping a glass of milk. His wife wakes to a noise in the kitchen, sees her husband is not in bed and goes to investigate.
He's sitting there hunched over his milk and he looks depressed. She asks "Whats wrong honey?"
H: "Do you remember back when I was 20 and you were 16?"
W: "Yes honey"
H: "And we were having sex in my car and your father caught us..."
W: "Yeah"
H: "He pointed a gun at my head and said you better marry her or you'll get 20years."
W: "Yes I remember it all, but what are you getting at?"
The husband looks up from his glass of milk and with a tear in his eye responds "I would have got out today!"

 

[Benfleet boy]

A prisoner escapes from Rampton prison where he had been kept for 15 years. Whilst on the run, he finds a house and breaks into it.

He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the bloke out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he is there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey and remember I love you".

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, and honey. I love you too..."
.....
Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says, "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my trousers and handed them to your mother, and said, here honey, try these on."

So she did and said, "well sweetie they're a little too big, I can't wear them."

So I replied, "exactly. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will." Ever since that night we have never had any problems.

Jack thinks that might be a good thing to try. So, on the first night of his honeymoon Jack takes off his trousers and says to Jill, "here babe, try these on."

So she does and says, "these are far too large, they don't fit me."

So Jack says, "...exactly. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Jill takes off her knickers and hands them to Jack and says, "here, you try mine on."

So he tries and gives up saying, "I can't get into your knickers."

So Jill says, "...exactly. And if you don't change your f**king attitude, you never will."
.....
A 90yr old man went to his docter, his doctor asked how he felt. He replied, i feel great im rich and my 19yr old wife pregent with my child what do you think of that? The doctor replied 'I have an elderly friend who's a keen hunter he never misses a season but one day he accidently picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. He seen a beaver and put the umbrella to his shoulder and went ''bang'' the beaver fell stone dead. What do you think of that?" the docter asked. The old man replied "someone else shot the beaver''
"My point exactly" the doctor replied.
.....
This guy gets on a bus and sits down next to a hot young bird. He greets her, looks around him, leans towards her and says: "Oi, Can I smell your ****?". She gives him a death stare and replies furiously: "No, you cannot smell my ****." He shrugs and says: "Oh, sorry, my mistake. It must be your feet then."
.....
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. And I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.

So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
.....
Three vampires walk into a bar. 1 orders a blood on the rock. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water. "why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender. The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "im making tea!"
.....
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's draw with Germany.

Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy".

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite,Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way".

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' ****ed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."

 

[Technician]

Quote[/b] (Benfleet boy @ July 01 2004,21:56)]A prisoner escapes from Rampton prison where he had been kept for 15 years. Whilst on the run, he finds a house and breaks into it.

He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the bloke out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he is there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey and remember I love you".

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, and honey. I love you too..."
.....
Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says, "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my trousers and handed them to your mother, and said, here honey, try these on."

So she did and said, "well sweetie they're a little too big, I can't wear them."

So I replied, "exactly. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will." Ever since that night we have never had any problems.

Jack thinks that might be a good thing to try. So, on the first night of his honeymoon Jack takes off his trousers and says to Jill, "here babe, try these on."

So she does and says, "these are far too large, they don't fit me."

So Jack says, "...exactly. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Jill takes off her knickers and hands them to Jack and says, "here, you try mine on."

So he tries and gives up saying, "I can't get into your knickers."

So Jill says, "...exactly. And if you don't change your f**king attitude, you never will."
.....
A 90yr old man went to his docter, his doctor asked how he felt. He replied, i feel great im rich and my 19yr old wife pregent with my child what do you think of that? The doctor replied 'I have an elderly friend who's a keen hunter he never misses a season but one day he accidently picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. He seen a beaver and put the umbrella to his shoulder and went ''bang'' the beaver fell stone dead. What do you think of that?" the docter asked. The old man replied "someone else shot the beaver''
"My point exactly" the doctor replied.
.....
This guy gets on a bus and sits down next to a hot young bird. He greets her, looks around him, leans towards her and says: "Oi, Can I smell your ****?". She gives him a death stare and replies furiously: "No, you cannot smell my ****." He shrugs and says: "Oh, sorry, my mistake. It must be your feet then."
.....
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. And I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.

So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
.....
Three vampires walk into a bar. 1 orders a blood on the rock. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water. "why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender. The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "im making tea!"
.....
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's draw with Germany.

Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy".

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite,Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way".

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' ****ed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."

Have a Break - Have a Kwik Krap!

 

[Roberts]

Quote[/b] (Prophet of Doom! @ June 29 2004,12:47)]Getting away from the Beckham jokes so let's have your poorest jokes.  Me first!

My mate said to me "I have just been chatting up a Cheetah!"

So I said to him" Well, you must be trying to pull a fast one!"



I said to my Gym instructor " Can you teach me to do the splits?"

He replied "How flexible are you?"

So I replied "I can't make Tuesdays"


I have taken up this really great new hobby.

I get great enjoyment trying to pack myself into a very small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself!

Get the drift?  

Like it mate

Roberts