Joke Thread

[Bluesmanager]

I thank you, I'm here for the forseeable future. :hilarious:

 

[Bluesmanager]

My apologies for the double-post and the God-awful joke to follow.

At breakfast time, I can murder a bowl of corn flakes, does that make me a cereal killer?

Blame the Sarah Jane Adventures writers.

 

[Aberdeen Shrimper]

Any one Know how Copper wire was invented?????

 

[HUTTON]

Any one Know how Copper wire was invented?????

Yes

Two Scotsman fighting over a penny

 

[Aberdeen Shrimper]

Yes

Two Scotsman fighting over a penny

GIT...............

:)

 

[steveo]

I was talking to one of them old suffolk farmers the other day. I said "are you worried about this bluetongue thing and what effect it might have on your herd?!

He said, "nah, wont make any difference to me boy, none of my cows have got mobile phones"

 

[Bluesmanager]

Three guys in a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper, one barman and 2 drunks. One drunk orders a shot, downs it in one and promptly jumps out of the window. To the second drunk's amazement he returns minutes later and repeats this act several times. When the second drunk asks the first how he does it, he replies:

"Oh it's easy, just order a shot, down it in one and jump out of the window. Just before you land, you'll fart, giving you a nice soft landing."

The second drunk does this. Wheeeeeeeeeeeee! SPLAT! One dead drunk.

Bartender: Superman, you're a right **** when you're drunk.

 

[SUFC_Al]

Three guys in a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper, one barman and 2 drunks. One drunk orders a shot, downs it in one and promptly jumps out of the window. To the second drunk's amazement he returns minutes later and repeats this act several times. When the second drunk asks the first how he does it, he replies:

"Oh it's easy, just order a shot, down it in one and jump out of the window. Just before you land, you'll fart, giving you a nice soft landing."

The second drunk does this. Wheeeeeeeeeeeee! SPLAT! One dead drunk.

Bartender: Superman, you're a right **** when you're drunk.

:hilarious:

 

[Bluesmanager]

3 pieces of string walk along the street. They spot a pub and fancy a pint. Problem being, the great big sign telling them that NO STRINGS ALLOWED. One string goes in. The barman asks him if he can read before chucking him out. The second string goes in, same again. The third string thinks a second, then drags himself along the road until he's really frayed and haggarred, then he ties himself in a knot. He then goes into the pub. The barman asks if he's the string he's just chucked out.

"No," the string replies, "I'm a frayed knot".

 

[canveyshrimper]

A group of blokes are trying to get into a club, all but one of them is wearing a tie, and the guy without a tie is not allowed in. He pleads his case but the doormen are adamant, no tie, no admittance.

The bloke tries to find a shop but to no avail as it is close to midnight, until he sees a guy jump starting his car. He asks the bloke if he can buy his jump leads, and pays the money, and ties the jump leads in a fine windsor not, and goes back to the club.

The doorman says "That's not a tie, they're jump leads"

The bloke says "Look it's midnight I can't find anything else, and all my friends are in there, please let me in"

The doorman says "Ok mate, but don't start anything"

 

[Pubey]

a joke...

A man who was born with no arms wished to seek employment. Fearing nobody would want to hire him with his obvious disability, he thought he'd answer a help wanted sign he saw posted at his church. He rang the bell at the rectory and when the pastor opened the door he was moved with pity. He asked, "What can I do for you, my son?" The man said I've come to answer your help wanted ad. The pastor became concerned and said that ad is for a bell ringer. He stammered that he didn't think he'd be able to handle the job. The man pleaded and said won't you give me a chance so I can show you what I'm capable of? The pastor relented and hired him. The time came when the church bell had to be rung. The man made his way under the bell, took a running start and threw his body against the bell which resulted in a booming "BONNGGGG" as soon as the vibrations subsided, he took another running start and threw his body into the other side of the bell with the expected result of "BONNNGG" . . . and so it went. Now our armless friend was at the job for several months to the delight of the pastor. One day the guy was running late and in his haste he ran up to the belfry and got his running leap at the bell without first getting under the bell. As he ran right off the side of the tower he screamed. Everyone from within the church filed out and just stared. Finally somebody said "poor fellow, does anybody knows who he is?" To which came the answer from someone in the back . . . "I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell."

 

[canveyshrimper]

Cricko told me that one in the original Latin, and Quasimodo was the bell ringer.:D :finger:

 

[CSBLUE]

 

[South Bank Hank]

Cricko told me that one in the original Latin, and Quasimodo was the bell ringer.:D :finger:

...and how they laughed.

:D :finger:

 

[SUFC_Al]

...and how they laughed.

:D :finger:

:hilarious: :hilarious: genius sir.

 

[EastStandBlue]

 

[Benji91]

This is a tragic story - my condolences go out to this poor chaps family.

 

[SUBBlue]

My sentiments exactly.


An Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman walk into a bar.

The Landlord says "What's this, some kind of joke?"

 

[J]

I tell you what... you can say what you like about death people..

 

[Southminster_Shrimper]

My sentiments exactly.


An Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman walk into a bar.

The Landlord says "What's this, some kind of joke?"