The PB Diaries

[AndyT]

Sunday 12th February 2017

I'm still furious after yesterday. Absolutely steaming. Definitely one of the worst days of the season. Yep, that's the last time I apply for the Goal Rush Show. Bl***y Iwelumo, the big Scottish pansy and Clinton Morison. I asks yer. If it's not them it's Curbishley and John Virgo, the snooker bloke. Every week, the same old faces talking b****cks about League Two. What do they know!

Anyway, only one thing worse than that. Yep, you've guessed it. The Ancient Marriner. F***in 'ell. Did he get any decisions reet. McGl was clearly fouled and Will should have been talked to and nothing more. Reckless my a***. The only reckless git on that pitch was Marriner, himself!

Still, what do you expect. He is the biggest Homer since The Simpsons had an eat as much as you like evening at the Springfield Diner! .. No surprises Millwall got all the decisions. I had it with him when I was manager of Hull City. We were playing at Old Trafford and as was always the case, Fergie gets to choose his own ref. Normally it's Howard Webb, but this time he went for Marriner. He even gave him a lift to the ground. I saw them getting out of the same car. I knew we had no chance. Five penalties he gave them and sent three of my players off. That was all in the first half! .. In the second, he gave another penalty and even took it himself, before sliding in front of the Stretford End! .. Absolute clown!

I've written to the FA to ask if they can send someone to Oxford who knows the rules. I'm sure they'll be happy to oblige and in no way will I get a ban!

 

[greyerfox]

Quality stuff Andy. The dig at the ref reminds me of Neil Warnock at his best in a rant about refs. Especially the one about the ref running back to the centre circle with his arm raised, shouting Yeesssssssss after awarding a last minute goal to the home team.

 

[AndyT]

Monday 13th February 2017

I'm off to Tesco shortly, as I need the Kosovans to wash me new car. They do a grand job and all for minimum wage and a few tips. I normally just go for the £5 job, but I'm having a full valet today, as I'm taking Ron to Oxford tomorrow.

He loves it there. Says it's his favourite stadium. Ample parking, on account of the fact that they dinnae bother finishing the stand behind the goal. He says that's foresight, that. Why waste many on un-necessary stands when all you need is a steward in the car park to throw the ball back. Wise words! .. He likes to tell me how he studied at Oxford when he was a teenager. There's so many great colleges and seats of learning at the University there, he says. You can't fail to be impressed. Of course, he doesn't realize that I know he was on a 3 year City & Guilds bricklaying course at Wicks in Norham Manor, though!

Oxford always reminds me of the days I played there for Bolton. Around that time Robert Maxwell-House was trying to merge them with Reading, to create the Thames Valley Roubles. Later on, David Lloyd did achieve this at Hull City, when I was there. Merging us with Hull Kingston Rovers. Sounded a good idea and we even agreed to leave the rugby posts up and just stick a net at the bottom when footie was on. It all looked like a good idea, until we started playing. In the first three games, our centre-half would keep catching the ball and kicking it into touch, giving away a penalty. We lost the first three home games 5-0, but it all turned in the 4th, when we won 1-0 with a disputed goal. Wolves were furious, but I don't know why. Nicky Barmby was an intelligent footballer and dropped deep to pick the ball up just inside their half. He ran through a crowd of players and with ball still in hand, dived full length into the goal .. 1-0 to The Tigers! .. Wanderers players surrounded the ref, Ancient Marriner, and his assistant, Richard Madeley, but they gave the goal. Wolves walked off the pitch in protest, but the result stood, as the FA always supported their refs back then. .. However, we had to stop using the Rugby goals, as the Gaelic Football Association complained that we didn't have authority and the experiment ended there, sadly!

Must dash as I don't want to keep those Kosvans waiting. They're busy people!

 

[AndyT]

Tuesday 14th February 2017

Me and Will have just returned from the FA Appeal. I might as well have sent a cardboard cut-out of us both, all the good it did!

Now, I've been told by the FA not to make public knowledge the referee's report, but since John Sheridan's one went viral, I thought f*** 'em, so here's what Ancient Marriner said :-

"Hello friends of the Football Association. I hope you all enjoyed that hamper and crate of Scotch I sent to you for Christmas. Thank you for keeping my FA registration going, despite my continual messing up of the most basic rules.

I wanted to also thank you for letting me referee at Millwall, as they are the boyhood club I supported. I can't remember who they were playing on Saturday, as I'd had a few pre-match drinks in the boardroom with the Chairman and he was kind enough to sign my matchday programme and have his picture taken with me.

The match passed without incident. Well, I didn't see anything ... Oh yes, sorry, I forgot. On about 30 minutes I had to send one of those blokes off in a pink shirt. I don't like pink. This is a man's game for tough nuts, thugs and racists, not good honest pros earning a meagre living in the lower leagues! .. Where was I. Oh yes, one of the Millwall fella's fell over and was rolling around on the floor, so I did what any self-respecting ref would and waved a red card at the nearest bloke in a pink shirt and said "off you go". He replied saying I must be blind drunk and I realized I was, so waved it at the next bloke. Luckily, it was the right one, so I think I got away with it. AGAIN!

Towards the end of the match, one of the pink blokes also fell over, but as it would have meant spoiling my special day with my friends at The Den, I decided to pretend I didn't see it. You can't give what you can't see, eh. That's my belief. Unless it's a red card for the away team. Then you can do what you like. That's right, Isn't it?

Anyway, here's a Valentines Card and we'll say no more about it, eh lads. Spread the love xxxx"

 

[AndyT]

Wednesday 15th February 2017

So, how did yer like me new attacking subs bench, eh?

I thought I'd give the defenders a neet off and just take attackers along with me and go all out for a win. You know me, always thinking positively and not defence minded at all, these days. Ever since I came up with the idea (along with 15 of the players) of being more proactive after the Rochdale game.

It's worked a treat. Great to see me marquee signing, Theo, on the scoresheet, too. I'd been after him the whole of the window, despite what people read, and my patience paid dividends. Top fella, too. In fact they all are. I've looked at the table and worked out that all we need to do is win 15 of our remaining 15 games and we'll win the league. Walk in the park, that!

Thursday 16th February 2017

On account that nothing much is happening at the club this week and I'm running out of things to write about in me diary, I decided to inexplicably drive to Sunderland yesterday morning to catch up with friends, as the lads had a day off training.

When I arrived I went straight over to the training ground to see how me old mate David Moyes is doing. Me and him go back to the Premier League days and always had tough battles at Goodison Park. We sing from the same hymn sheet, me and Moysey. Both believing defence is the best form of attack, which is why our games were tight, chess-like stalemates which SKY bizarrely chose not to put on their Super Sunday billing.

Moysey was a forlorn figure, as I walked across the training pitches to greet him. "Look at these half-a**ed idiots" he said, pointing to a bunch of players who were sitting around a camp fire. "They're meant to be training, but they say it's too cold in England and they want to go home", he moaned. "The fans are no better. They've got a new iMax cinema at the Stadium of Light and they even start booing and walking out of there after 60 minutes of most films! .. It's in their blood .. I cannae create the great days of past Sunderland teams when they won the FA Cup as a complete one-off and spent most of their time in the second division. Fans keep banging on about the good old days all the time and they want them back!".

After a coffee, I left old Moysey, crying into his Everton mug, and drove back to Southend. I pondered, as I drove home. The Premier League Isn't for me, anymore. Give me a bunch of guys who are playing for each other and a loyal fanbase who don't walk out on us, even when things aren't going well and sing us to victory on a cold Tuesday night in Oxford, any day of the week. Life's much better in the lower leagues. It really is!

 

[greyerfox]

Just gets better.....such a delight to chuckle at something these days when the world news can be so bleak (save for our play-off push of course). My wife thought I was chortling at our great leader's actual diaries until I put her straight. :winking:

 

[AndyT]

Friday 17th February 2017

Justin Edinburgh's gonna be here tomorrow, talking Cobblers. .. Yep, that's right, he's opened up a sideline shining and repairing shoes with his old Man Utd nemesis, Paul Scholl. They started their mobile van business a couple of years back and travel the country fixing broken heels, split tongues and the like. Paul started it after retiring from footie, Justin is just a sleeping partner (no, not like that you fools) and claims it's a roaring success. Like the fella in Police Squad, he also gives out tips and advice, so I asked him what was the best system to play against his partner in crime's, Northampton Town, whilst he gave me brogues a good polish. I had to pay him a quick bung, before he confided that they play with no wingers, so I'm best off starting with McGlashan. Wise words that, which I'll completely ignore, as I promised Luke O'Neill a game!

Anyway, tomorrow's ref is none other than Simpsons creator, James L Brooks, which is a result, as he'll be a homer! Yes, I know I did that joke last week, but material is thin at the moment. Can't someone take some drugs or get sacked, or something?

Blimey, as luck would have it, there have been a couple of sackings, I've just found out, in the commercial dept. Apparently, there's a new broom and changes are happening. Well, with the broom, they can start by sweeping the changing rooms. A right state they are in. There's still an old Scunthorpe United shirt hanging up in the away changing room and someone's plimsolls on the bench in there and the place smells a bit and the showers don't work. That's just for starters. It's like a pig sty, in there! .. Edinburgh won't be impressed and will moan about it, as usual!

There's always an upside, eh!

 

[AndyT]

Thursday 23rd February 2017

Mathematicians and calendar gazers will notice there's not been an update from megoodself this week.

Like all diaries, it starts out with good intentions, but then the gaps start to appear and by the summer, when I'm playing out in the garden with me friends, there'll be weeks of empty pages, before it all starts up again, just before Christmas. The young boys and girls can relate to that, I'm sure!

So, since I last wrote, I've handed Posh a thrashing. She cannae live with me Gin Rummy skills, despite Becks giving her a hand. 4-1 I beat her. Nae problem, though they disputed the first one, arguing that I'd been peaking at her cards!

It's all been happening in the maternity wards, as well. Tims wife just popping in time. Greet to see him on the scoresheet, particularly as it's his last game for a while! .. That reminds me, I must give him a call tomorrow!

The players seem to love the old goal celebrations, don't they!.. I cannae understand what any of them are, except Marc Costa-Fortune's. He just stands there, like he doesn't give a damn. I calls it the Greater Anglia Customer Service Dept. celebration!

So, who enjoyed the FA Cup matches at the weekend? .. It's great to see the poorer sides that nobody is interested in normally, causing an upset or two, so hats off to Middlesbrough. A fine, plucky win!

I'm preparing for Saturday's big match. The lads are reet up for it. Gillingham might be absolutely sh**e, but we've got to take them a bit seriously. I see their big marquee signing, Jay John-Thomas, has left them. Not surprised. Must be demoralizing hardly winning a game after Christmas. Luckily that's never happened to me!

I hear there's 2,000 of you lot coming to the game on Saturday. What greet support we have. I'll be sure to give you all a wave, especially if you can get a song going about me, Coghs and Horts. Maybe a Fun Boy Three number. They're me favourites!

 

[BILLERICAY BLUE]

Well worth the wait Andy :hilarious:

 

[Suffolk Shrimper In Dorset]

Horts here. I’m lost. Really lost. And if truth be known, a bit ****ed off. And skint. And I’m missing me Mum.

Boss said we were all up for a bit of Posh on Tuesday which I thought was a good idea so, knowing he likes some sunshine for his mid-winter break I packed me Buckaroo deluxe set and took off from Heathrow last Sunday ahead of the team to prepare for everyone – I am the clubs “Football Co-ordinator” after all. Sarfend’s Mr Fix It, that’s me.

Anyways, on getting to Los Angeles I got us all booked in a hotel - Ron hates tents. Got us a great deal at Big Macs Hostel – was well chuffed, only $11.99 a night each including an ‘all you can eat pancake syrup extravaganza breakfast’ and a sunbed for Boss so he can tan his tangerines. Twin rooms, no top to pinkies this time (Boss hated Blackpool, I’d forgotten to do me toenails), though as there’s 23 of us I thought Power Ranger could just stay up all night which isn’t usually a problem.

I then decide to go and look up Posh to check she’s up for it (so to speak), get on me hired Vespa and go off to this big house on a hill which I’d seen on ‘Through The Keyhole’. I knocks on the door, asks to see Posh and gets thumped by this tart who says she’s Geri. How should I know? Those Spice birds all look the same. Never mind I thought, Boss will know where Posh is, he circulates in high circles – he knows that guy off Goal Rush.

So I went back to the gaff, had me complimentary Iron Bru and pancake stack, and waited for the boys. And I’m still ****in waiting. Mooners knicked me mobile so I can’t ring Boss, and I’ve heard nothing from no one. Surely someone is missing me? I can’t keep playing solo Buckaroo, the Donkey is getting worn out and I accidentally flipped the plastic spade into the room waffle maker and he doesn’t flip as much without a full load. Plus the money’s run out, I might need to go and see if my best friend Geri will put me oop.

If anyone reads this message in a bottle do come and get me, just ask for Horts, everyone knows who I am.

Up the Vale x

 

[AndyT]

Friday 24th February 2017

Well everyone's talking about the shock sacking and so, here's me take on it.

I think it's harsh. After all he's done for the club. Getting them into the last 16 of the cup and winning the league last season. That said, if you're gonna call yerself the 'rolypolygoalie' and stuff yer face with a meat pie, some say pasty, on National TV cos yer think you're funny and clever, then the club has no choice but to sack yer in this day and age of healthy diets, highly toned physiques and huge corporate sponsorship!

Still, times have changed since the days of Willie McTougal. You'll remember Willie was the dazzling winger in the 1960's high flying Bolton side, which got to the dizzy heights of halfway up Division 4 in 1964-65. Willie was renowned for his unhealthy lifestyle. Drinking his favourite bitter and smoking 20 cigarettes on a matchday. Many of them during the game, as he sped past less able right-backs from Southport, Rochdale and Workington Town. Cheered on by cap-wearing fans and buoyed by the pathe news music blaring out through the tannoy. Craven A was the cigarette of choice for our Willie who often carped "If it's good enough for Stanley Matthews, it's good enough for me!"

By 1966-67, though, times had changed. Sir Alf Ramsbottom had won the World Cup for England with his wingless wonders and Willie was confined to the subs bench. Not making an appearance for 27 matches on the trot. Manager, Ernie Sheepskin, never made substitutions. Harry 'the hatchet' Hardman breaking his leg against Newport County, but playing on through the pain, whilst Jimmy Shinsplintz, son of a Polish immigrant who single handedly built the A22 bypass in 1954, played an entire season with one arm, after a training accident!

As a result, Willie used to sit in the dugout scoffing hot dogs and guzzling light & bitter, without a care in the world and by March 1967, he'd moved on to a full 3 course meal and table waitress service. The dessert trolley taking a particular hammering! .. But it wasn't to last, as Football League Chairman, Alan Rulemaker, officially banned all wingers from professional football, apart from George Best.

McTougal was finished and spent his retirement teaching youngsters the art of being an irresponsible maverick footballer, hoping one day that there would be a return to the heady days of Matthews & McTougal! .. One such prodigy was a young Frank Worthington E, who repaid McTougal's teachings by signing for his beloved Bolton and scoring wonderful individual goals, whilst boozing, smoking and picking up local lasses from The Bolton Roxy. McTougal couldn't have been prouder!

 

[AndyT]

Saturday 25th February 2017

Well it's matchday and I'm as excited as a dog with two c*cks, as the saying goes.

I said so on me new radiogram account this morning. The fellas said that writing diary blogs was so 2012 and I need to get with the kidz and have a twitter and radiogram account. They've all got them and say they are great for sharing their photos, videos and thoughts about dodgy refs. They love updating their status and I'm all for them sharing the love. They've got loads of followers, they reckon. Even old Hines Beans!

I checked mine just now and I've got 1 follower so far. It's none other than me old school chum and Aston Villa manager, Lenny Bruce! .. He said he'd read me diary yesterday and thought it was far-fetched and totally unbelievable. Particularly the ludicrous suggestion that Stanley Matthews used to smoke at all, especially Craven A .. He reminded me that those were them horrible tar filled cigs we used to smoke behind the bike sheds at Wearside Comprehensive, along with Joan Jones, Linda Lovelock and some celebrity DJ's. .. Innocent times, eh!

Anyway, I had news for old Lenny and have just posted this on me radiogram. That should shut him up! :-



Reet, enough reminiscing, I'm off to Gillingham. Look out for me in me Ford KA .. COYB! :happy:

 

[AndyT]

Sunday 26th February 2017

I've finally calmed doon after yesterday and had time to reflect on events and decided, after much thought, that there's a conspiracy going on! .. Yer see, The Championship doesnae want the likes of Southend. They like the Boltons, Sheffield Uniteds and Bradfords, with their big stadiums. There's no two ways aboot it. We are being robbed!

I said as much in me post-match interview. There were a few people asking what all the banging doors were in the background. Now, I want to go on record and say that in no way was it the referee's heed being repeatedly smashed against the door by Ryan Inniss. I'm not saying anything more, otherwise I'll get meself into more bother with the FA, but suffice to say if that clown is refereeing next week with a bandaged heed, it's got nothing to do with me, reet!

The standard of officiating has been diabolical since we got into the play-offs. Except that lino at Peterboro. The one with the extra strong vision who can see through a crowd of players and a goalpost and be sure the ball has gone a millimeter over the line. He was champion, that fella.

For the Port Vale match, I've asked the FA not to send a referee at all. We'll do it ourselves. Both centre-halves can have a whistle for the offsides and I've agreed with the oppo that if there's anything controversial, we'll just have a drop ball.

Reet, I've had enough moaning about referees. I'm gonna sit back and enjoy the League Cup Final. It's a repeat of the 1976 FA Cup Final and who doesnae want a repeat of that scoreline, eh! .. I can still hear Coleman's voice now "Stokes is onside .. 1-0!" .. Happy days! :thumbsup: :cool:

 

[AndyT]

Friday 3rd March 2017

I asked Ron, the other week, if I could take some of the lads for some warm weather training. He said fine and advised me that the budget would stretch to two days in Bournemouth! .. Greet, I thought, so I took a few of the lads down there for a couple of days, this week. None of me first teamers, like, just some of the promising youngsters and those older pros I'm looking to get rid of at the first opportunity!

We were strolling through the local park, minding our own business, when some kids challenged us to a game of football. We stuck the jumpers doon and I thought, these lads dannae know what's gonna hit 'em! It'll be men against boys! .. Anyway, they were reet good and it ended up 3-3. Moons scored a goal, but then got hit on the heed by some lads kite he were flying in the park and Noodles dribbled round six of them before smashing one in. They reckoned it went over the jumper and should not have been allowed, but by chance old Dean S**tehouse was walking his dog at the time and said it had gone in, awarding a goal to Gillingham. He cannae help himself, that lad! .. Despite this, I've reported him to the FA and appealed Ryan's red card, even though yer not allowed to do that! .. I was disappointed with a couple of me lads, though. Halfway through the second half, Hines Beans went off for an ice cream and young Salami wanted to climb a tree next to the pitch. Poor attitude, that. But, all in all it's given me something to think aboot before tomorrow's game. Not much, I grant you, but it sounds good when The Echo want a quote from me!

Speaking of tomorrow, it's Horts old club, Port Vale. As yer know, he dannae stop going on aboot when he was there. Reckons he's gonna wear his Vale tie tomorrow. The one he was given for managing them for over 250 games, none of which they won!

Anyway, who can forget last season's home match. What a game. A fine, er hold on a minute, let me just grab me results page from last season. Ah yes, here it is, a fine 1-0 win. Cracking goal, of course, by, er hang on a minute again, er, um, yes, says Joe Pigott, here. Whatever happened to him, eh! .. I remember that game as if it were yesterday!

I was reading during the week that a couple of old Southend legends are coming doon for the last game of the season. Old Marks & Spencer, no less. I must admit, I've never heard of them, but apparently they are gonna be introduced on the pitch. Of course, it won't be the last game, as we'll have the play-offs after that. I loves the play-offs. So does Ron. More cash for the club and a trip to Wembley at the end of it all.

Wouldn't it be greet if we could beat Bolton in the final, eh. That's me dream, that!

 

[greyerfox]

True to form PB cannae bring himself to mention the retirement of Mr Southend. Poor form that. A touch of the " This town ain't big enough for the two of us".

 

[BrettieAngell]

True to form PB cannae bring himself to mention the retirement of Mr Southend. Poor form that. A touch of the " This town ain't big enough for the two of us".

Yeah the silence is deafening!

 

[Blueronron]

Duo Marks and Spencer maybe the order of the story but nothing will beat the day we had Bramble and Corbett playing to gether :smile:

UtS

 

[Firestorm]

Duo Marks and Spencer maybe the order of the story but nothing will beat the day we had Bramble and Corbett playing to gether :smile:

UtS

Braintree had Marks and Sparks score in the same game, last season or the one before

 

[AndyT]

Saturday 4th March 2017

I called Coghs last neet, concerned aboot what to say to me followers.

Yer see, after yesterday's diary entry, I had a load of twits and tw*ts on me twittergram account. None too friendly, either. Coghs quickly reminded me they're called tweets! .. I really must enrol on that social media course they run at Southchurch Library and learn the lingo!

He asks what they were aboot and I says they kept saying I should be mentioning the Roots Hall Legend, this week. I replied saying I didnae like to blow me own trumpet, but they were kind words indeed, when one tw*tter says they're talking about Adam Bassett. Club Captain. Legend! Not fit enough to lace his boots and other such things. Reet rude they were!

I says I dannae know what they're talking aboot, as I've been in Bournemouth all week. Turns out, old Bassett announced his retirement and they wanted to know why. I says you'll have to ask him. Me and him got on fine. He never said a bad word aboot me, as far as I knew. Mind you, we haven't spoken for six months, so I'm a bit out of the loop!

Well, after coming off the phone to Coghs, I made an entry on me twittergram account saying I had the utmost respect for the lad and wished him well, but once I'd signed Ferdy and Thommo had impressed in training, I felt I couldnae fit AB in the side. Him and Jakub Lollystick were struggling a bit, early season and I thought I were going to lose me job anyway, so it were a bit sh*t or bust. It worked out OK, I think. Hope people understand ... I also put a ps, with Horts email address on it and said to take it up further with him! .. I cannae be fairer than that.

Anyway, I better get going. Big game, today, eh! .. Up The Blues and enjoy the game!

 

[AndyT]

Tuesday 14th March 2017

This is me biggest week in charge of the lads, since the last biggest week, which was back in September and a couple last season, as well .. and three in the previous season!

As we were playing The Pirates on Saturday, I asked for a swashbuckling performance. Yer see, I can do jokes, but often I just choose not to! .. Some wags on me twittergram reckoned me team selection were a joke, though. .. I was reading them when the oppo scored that goal in the first minute. I'd told the lads to make sure we didn't let them have a shot at goal and there's the ball in the back of our net before I'd even had a chance to get in the 4th official's ear. .. Reet disappointed, I was! .. Me twittergram went into overdrive with advice, so I decided to change things when we went 2-0 down. .. Those fans know loads about football, so I figured they know more than me, Coghs & Horts, so I took Costa-Fortune off .. Then they tells me I should have kept him on .. What do they want, eh! .. I'm gonna close that twittergram account down, I tells yer!

I called everyone in yesterday and told them there's gonna be changes for tonight's match .. First change is that we're playing against a different side and second is that we're gonna put that pink kit on .. That'll confuse the oppo .. Me & Coghs are gonna change positions on the touchline and I'm gonna where a tracksuit .. I've also decided that the lads on the bench are gonna sit in different positions from Saturday .. Oh and I might make some team changes .. Not sure what they'll be yet, as I've been busy trying to find another dry cleaners for me suits .. Me regulars have gone on holiday without telling me .. what a dishonest bunch, eh!

So it's Coventry tonight. .. When the fixtures came oot, it was the big game in the calendar, but they're so sh*te that I'd be surprised if the crowd is bigger than 1,000! .. A far cry from the glory days when they were in the first division .. who can forget those memorable matches .. Well, just the FA Cup Final really, oh and that Ernie Hunt goal! .. The rest of their history they've won bo-diddly .. They've never finished in the top six .. In fact, we're better off now than they are and have won at Wembley this century, too!

So, to all you twittergram doubters, judge me at the end of the season, by which time I'll be sipping cocktails in Bar Samba, Fuengirola's top nitespot, and you'll be celebrating another successful season .. Keep the faith!