Your Jokes, Strictly for the Pub only.

[RobM]

I went to the barber's.
"How much for a hair cut?"
"£20. How much do you want off?"
"About 17 quid!"

 

[Billy Bests boot laces]

Some places surprise you. I was in Liverpool the other day, and what struck me was a brick.

When i was there, i saw a Martial Arts expert also get struck by a brick.
He turned round and said 'what kung fu that'!!!.

 

[SARF]

I’m really sad about prince andrews fatal car crash .


. next week

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Mary had a little lamb, she put it in a bucket. Every time the lamb got out, Billy tried to.... strangle the poor little thing.

Saddam Hussein went home and said to his wife, ''What have you been doing all day? This house looks like a bombs hit it.''

So I made a phone call last night, and the guy on the other end said ''Hello, Domino's pizza, Paul speaking. How can I help you? I said, ''Well have a guess Paul.'' ''And it won't be for a radiator cap for a 1978 Cortina.''

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

So I went to the Library and said to the Librarian, ''Have you got any books on self help?'' She said, ''We have, but it would be defeating the object if I told you where they are.''

 

[Billy Bests boot laces]

So I made a phone call last night, and the guy on the other end said ''Hello, Domino's pizza, Paul speaking. How can I help you? I said, ''Well have a guess Paul.'' ''And it won't be for a radiator cap for a 1978 Cortina.''

On the same theme as it's getting nearer to Christmas,
Good King Wencelas phoned his local pizza shop, Luigi answered the call, the King said 'hello Luigi, i'd like to order a pizza'. Luigi replied 'would you like your normal one?'.
Good King Wencelas said ' yes please, deep pan crisp & even'!!!!

 

[Floval Flyer]

Golf Joke

A couple of weeks ago, I played with new member at the golf club, he played right handed and he beat me easily and shot an even par 72.

We had fun during the round, so I asked him if he wanted to play next week. He said: "Sure, but I might be a half hour late."

The following week he shows up right on on time, and sets up on the first tee, but this time he’s playing left-handed, with a different set of clubs. Again he shoots a 72.

I asked him if he wanted to play again next week.
He replied: "Sure but I might be a half hour late."

I then asked him :"How come some times you play right-handed and other times, left-handed."

He said,"When I wake up in the morning and my wife is sleeping on her left side, I play left- handed and if she is on her right side, then I play right- handed."

I then ask ;"So,what if she is laying flat on her back?"

"That's when I'll be a half hour late!" he replied

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

This fella in America has trained his poodle to speak, and his first words were ''Don't you ever cut my hair like that again.''

I can't stand people that take drugs, you know like customs officers and policemen.

There was a fella outside with one of those Dobermans with a stick in it's mouth. I thought 'Jeez, they're carrying weapons now.'

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Just seen that there's a nudist convention on in town next week...

I might go, if I've got nothing on.

 

[MK Shrimper]

Q: What do you get if you mix up all the letter of Postman Pat?

A:

  Spoiler:  

A very angry postman

 

[Blueronron]

My wife told me sex is so much better on holiday

I thought what a cruel postcard to send me

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

So when I was at school, the teacher said ''The letter of the day is N.'' He pointed at me, and said ''Why don't you tell the rest of the class, something you're not very good at, beginning with the letter N'' So I said.... ''Spelling.''

I lost my job last week as a zoo keeper. I thought it was a bit unfair, as there were signs everywhere saying 'Do not feed the animals.'

I can't believe I'm still alive, as I've never used essential oils.

So this homeless guy with matted hair and brown stained teeth, was busking in the High Street, and he started singing....''WHEN I WAS YOUNG, LIFE WAS SO WONDERFUL'' ....I said, ''That was Supertramp.'' He said, ''Thank you very much.''

 

[RHB]

So the three wise men arrive in Bethlehem and tether their camels outside the stable. there was Bithisarea, Melichior, and Gathaspa and Gathaspa is at least six inches taller than the other two. As they enter the stable Gathaspa has to duck down to get in. Unfortunately he doesn't duck low enough and cracks his head with a might thwack. 'Jesus Christ' he explodes. Mary looks up from the crib and says 'yeah, I like that, we were going to call him Nobby but that sounds so much better'.

 

[MK Shrimper]

I used to have a Phil Collins, obsession, but take a look at me now.

 

[Ex-Member1]

I see they've sacked three clowns at the Christmas circus in Ipswich. Thankfully, one of them is suing for funfair dismissal. Boom!

 

[MK Shrimper]

Two prawns at the seafood disco. One turns to the other and says "I think I've pulled a mussel".

 

[Ex-Member1]

That's very shellfish of you IMHO

 

[MK Shrimper]

Two thieves were arrested, one for stealing a car battery, the other for stealing fireworks. The police charged one, but let the other off.

#infinitemonkeycage

 

[RHB]

Two thieves were arrested, one for stealing a car battery, the other for stealing fireworks. The police charged one, but let the other off.

#infinitemonkeycage

Christmas crackers nearly gone MK?

 

[Prawn]

What goes best with the Coronavirus.

Lyme Disease.