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Thread: Your Jokes,strictly for the Pub only.

  
  1. #571

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    A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly at the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

    "What are you doing?" she asked.

    "I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

    "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

    "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

    "Love dress? But you're naked!"

    "Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

    The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

    Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

    "What are you doing?" he asked.

    "This is my love dress," she replied.

    "It needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

  2. #572

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    I stumbled into bed last night.
    She said: ''You're drunk''

    I asked her how she knew.

    She said: ''You live next door''

  3. #573

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    THE HARLEY and VASELINE

    The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
    It's shiny and in mint condition.
    He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
    Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, just rub Vaseline on the chrome.
    It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
    That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
    Naturally, they take the bike there.
    Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family.
    'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
    In fact, the FIRST person who says
    anything during dinner has to do the
    dishes.'
    'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.
    Joe is shocked. Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
    In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks....Dirty dishes.
    They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
    As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
    He leans over and kisses Sandra.
    No one says a word.
    He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.
    So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and makes love to her, right there in front of her parents.
    His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified.....then Joe sits back down, but no one says a word.
    He looks at Sandra's mom. She's got a great body!!.
    Joe grabs the mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and also makes love to her right there on the dinner table.
    She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.
    His girlfriend is furious, the dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still....Total silence!
    All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
    Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
    Suddenly the father shouts..........I'll do the frigin dishes !

  4. #574

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    First the doctor gave me the good news...............''You're going to have a disease named after you.''

  5. #575

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    I said to my father: "Dad, I want to get married."
    He said: "Alright son, who do you want to marry?"
    I said: "I'd like to marry Miss Green".
    He said: "You can't".
    I said: "Why not?"
    He said: "She's your half-sister. When I was a lad I had a bike and I got around a bit."
    I said: "Alright, I'll marry Miss White."
    He said: "You can't, she's your half-sister as well. Forget about it."
    Well, I was a bit despondent and I walked around to my mum, who asked: "What's wrong with you?"
    I said: "Well, I said to Dad I wanted to marry Miss Green and he said I couldn't because she's my half-sister. I said, "All right, I'll marry Miss White." He said: 'You can't, she's your half-sister."
    She said: "Look, you go and marry who you like. He's not your father anyway!"

  6. #576

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    I've booked a table for me and the missus on Valentines night. It'll all end in tears. She's useless at snooker.

  7. #577

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    I was at the game Saturday, and some hooligan threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me....... Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil.

  8. #578

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    A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."

    The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

    "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"

    The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I can't run around on you!"

    "You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

    Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

    She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"

    The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

  9. #579
    Life President RobM's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Essex of course!
    Posts
    5,994

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    Tomorrow is the AGM for the Weak Bladder Society. I can't go. Then again...

    I'll just give them a tinkle.
    That Curly Bob is a jolly good chap!

  10. #580

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    Arrested Energizer Bunny, charged with battery.


  11. #581

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    Son: why is my sister's name Teresa?

    Dad: well, your mum loves Easter, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter.

    Son: That makes sense, thanks Dad!

    Dad: You're welcome, Alan.


  12. #582
    Duggee hug! MK Shrimper's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    In a phone box arguing with myself
    Posts
    44,522

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    Oh yeah

  13. #583

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    Signs A Woman Likes You:
    1. Eye Contact
    2. Twirls Her Hair
    3. Laughs At Your Jokes
    4. Keys Your Car
    5. Kills You

  14. #584

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    I’ll never forget how happy i was when i saw my wife walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age but eventually there she was, stood beside me.... I gave her a cheeky wink and said, “Get that trolley over here love, they’re doing three cases of Lager for the price of two”

  15. #585

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    A little late, but I got this text message from my brother in Australia a fortnight ago:


    I went to the fancy dress shop yesterday for my Dracula outfit, ready for Halloween night.....I spoke to the woman behind the counter, and she pulled out a Colchester United home kit.....

    I said "I think you may have misunderstood me my love,.... I said I wanted to look like a count" !!

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