Not a billionaire but give me Jerry Seinfeld
[Scene: Monk’s Cafe]
Jerry: So, I heard that the Southend United soccer team is up for sale.
Elaine: Soccer? You don’t know anything about soccer.
Jerry: So what? I know a good business opportunity when I see one.
George: (entering) Hey guys, what’s up?
Jerry: I’m thinking about buying the Southend United soccer team.
George: (sarcastic) Oh yeah, you’re a real soccer aficionado.
Jerry: Hey, it’s a good investment.
Elaine: I think it’s great, Jerry. You could be the next Mark Cuban.
George: (to Elaine) Hey, speaking of investments, remember that time you lost all your money in that Ponzi scheme?
Elaine: (angrily) Shut up, George!
Jerry: (ignoring George) So, I’ve already made an appointment to see the team’s owner tomorrow. I just need to come up with a good pitch.
Elaine: (excitedly) Ooh, can I help?
Jerry: Sure, why not?
George: (smiling) Hey, I have an idea.
Jerry: (skeptical) What?
George: (proudly) I’ll come with you and be your “business advisor.”
Jerry: (doubtful) I don’t know, George. You’re not exactly known for your business acumen.
George: (insistent) Come on, Jerry. I can be your secret weapon.
Jerry: (sighing) Fine, but you have to promise not to embarrass me.
George: (smiling) I promise.
[Scene: The next day, at Southend United’s stadium]
Jerry and George are in the owner’s office.
Owner: So, Mr. Seinfeld, why do you want to buy Southend United?
Jerry: Well, I think it’s a great investment opportunity. I’ve always been a big soccer fan.
Owner: (skeptical) Really?
Jerry: (lying) Yes, of course. I’ve been following the sport for years.
George: (whispering) Jerry, did you see that? He raised an eyebrow. I think he knows you’re lying.
Jerry: (whispering) Shut up, George.
Owner: (looking at George) And who is this gentleman?
Jerry: Oh, he’s just my business advisor.
George: (smiling) Yes, I’m here to help Jerry make this deal happen.
Owner: (to George) And what’s your expertise?
George: (lying) I’m a financial genius. I’ve made millions for my clients.
Owner: (impressed) Really?
Jerry: (whispering) George, you’re not a financial genius.
George: (whispering) Just go with it.
Owner: (to Jerry) Well, I’m impressed with your offer, Mr. Seinfeld. But before we proceed, I’d like to see how committed you are to the team.
Jerry: (confused) What do you mean?
Owner: I’d like you to kick a goal in front of the team.
Jerry: (shocked) What?
Owner: If you can score a goal, I’ll consider your offer.
Jerry: (nervously) I don’t know if I can do that.
George: (confidently) Don’t worry, Jerry. I’ll coach you.
[Scene: The soccer field]
Jerry is standing in front of the goal, with George coaching him.
George: (whispering) Just kick it hard and aim for the center of the goal.
Jerry kicks the ball, but it goes way off target and hits a player in the face.
