Bad Jokes

[Fat Bastid]

Getting away from the Beckham jokes so let's have your poorest jokes. Me first!

My mate said to me "I have just been chatting up a Cheetah!"

So I said to him" Well, you must be trying to pull a fast one!"



I said to my Gym instructor " Can you teach me to do the splits?"

He replied "How flexible are you?"

So I replied "I can't make Tuesdays"


I have taken up this really great new hobby.

I get great enjoyment trying to pack myself into a very small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself!

Get the drift?

 

[Mr Wooly]

What do you call a fish with three eyes?













.....










Fiiish!

 

[Chris Tate SFC]

Quote[/b] (Mr Wooly @ June 29 2004,13:04)]What do you call a fish with three eyes?













.....










Fiiish!

I went to the local curry house last night and ordered a chicken tarka.
The waiter said it's alot like chicken tikka but otter.

 

[Vange Shrimper]

Ive got a classic for you:

The English Channel is 23 miles wide, or just say it is for this.
An English man attempts to swim it. He swims 22 miles, gets tired and swims back.

Get it, or is it that poor?

 

[Fat Bastid]

Did you know that when male tennis players retire they become witches?

Take the example of Goran - even he's a witch!

 

[Blue Missy]

A man goes to the doctors with a strawberry on his head.
The doctor looks at him and says 'You should put some cream on that'

What do you call a 3 legged donkey?
Wonkey

So terrible they're good!

 

[Its Only A Game]

what do you call a deer with no eyes?












no idea.

what do you call a deer with no eyes or legs?













still no idea

 

[Guest]

A lorryload of tortoises crashed into a lorryload of terrapins on the M25.

It was a turtle disaster.


Two peanuts walked down a dark alley.

One was assaulted.

A boat carrying blue paint crashed into a boat carrying red paint.

The two crews were marooned on a nearby island.

 

[Blue Missy]

What did the hat say to the bra?



You give them a lift and I'll go on ahead!

 

[Fat Bastid]

I have new neighbours just moved in next door to me.

The chap there worships exhaust pipes but his wife to me it's ok and quite healthy.

He is a Catholic Convertor!

 

[Vange Shrimper]

I went into a store selling carpets, and i said to the assistant 'Do you sell carpets in yards?' and he said 'No, we sell them in here'.

 

[The Artful Shrimper]

I had a ploughmans lunch this afternoon.. he wasn't very happy about it,
I decided to spice it up with some HP sauce. its costing me 5p a week over six months.
For afters I had a clown but I had to take it back, it tasted funny.

 

[Fat Bastid]

I sent my girlfriend a pile of snow for her birthday.

I gave her a call later and asked if she got my drift!

 

[Benfleet boy]

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a
rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. the two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder ...

Dave: - Scuse me .... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering
what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Dave: - Oh ! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in pond.
Which is it?

Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a Large garden then?

Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ... built It myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to
assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Dave: - Me? Never

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life !

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive ... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Stuart: - What's that then?

Dave:- I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stuart: - Nope

Dave: - Well then, you're a w****r.

 

[Benfleet boy]

Little Johnny is sitting in his bedroom when he realises he can hear his sister sobbing in her room next door. He goes to her room and sees her sitting on her bed in floods of tears. He asks her whats wrong and she explains that she is bleeding down below and this has never happened before(obviously the dozy bitch has got her first period). "what do you want me to do" he enquires, "have a look" she replies and with that pulls up her dress and yanks down her knickers.Johnny looks at the bloody awful mess for 5 minutes and with a knowing look tells his sister" its fcuking obvious whats wrong,some b*st*rd has ripped your c*ck and b*ll*cks off!"

 

[Benfleet boy]

How do you keep a dog from humping your leg ?

Pick him up and suck his d*ck.
......
Why do women like a circumcised c*ck?

Because they can't resist anything with 10% off.
......
What is long, slender or in some cases fat, has hair at the base and every day slips into a warm, wet slit and pumps up and down until it produces a white liquid substance?


Toothbrush!!!
......
Two welsh farmers are chasing a runaway sheep and the sheep runs so fast into a wire fence and gets his head stuck and cant move so the farmer says to the other right!flops his pr*ck out and starts f*cking this sheep and the other farmer is looking at him all horny looking,and the farmer whos f*cking says you want a go now and the farmer whos watching says yeah and rams his head in the fence.
.....
A jelly baby goes to the doctors, "Doctor he said I think I have Aids". The doctor replies "you can't have Aids you are a jelly baby". The jelly baby says " I know but I have been f*cking Allsorts".
.....
What does WIFE stand for?

Washing, Ironing, F*cking Etc.
.....
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said "son,you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne,rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little johnny replied "My Grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered "No,he minded his own f*cking business!"

 

[Benfleet boy]

I know some people are going to have a go at me for this next one, but is will be ok, i hope.
I didn't write this one, i was just told it

This black guy goes into a bar to order a drink with a parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender says "hey thats really cool! Where'd ya get that"?
The parrot says "In Africa, there's f*cking thousands of em"!

 

[Benfleet boy]

A randy housewife went looking for sex. She found an asian fella who she thought would do the job.
"Why don't you come back to my house" she said.
"Only for a piece of cake" said the asian.
So she went into the shop and bought a nice big cake, and gave him a bit.
Back at her house she said "Come up to the bedroom", he replied.. "only for a piece of cake". She gave him the cake, and then said "Now f*ck me" she said. "Only for a piece of cake"... another piece of cake used.
Suddenly, as he was in the middle of his vinegar stroke, she heard the door open. "Quick, it's my husband, hide under the bed" she said, "only for a piece of cake", he replied. So she gave him a bit of cake and he hid.
The husband burst in, "I know you've been shagging someone, tell me who it is, or I'll pull every pube out of your body!". She wouldn't tell him, so he set about pulling each and every hair out of her fanny, then right at the last one, it wouldn't come out. He shouted "Come out you black ****".. and a voice came from under the bed "only for a piece of cake"....

 

[LITTLEMAN]

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?

Roberto


Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!"


She said "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library."

I thought "That's a turn-up for the books."

The back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said "Do you earn a living doing that?" He said "Yes, this is my livelihood."

A blonde went home to her husband and said "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

A man telephones his office and says, "Sorry, I can't come into work today, I'm sick."
"How sick are you ?" asks his boss.
"Well," he replies, "I'm in bed with my sister."

 

[LITTLEMAN]

Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet of their car.
"Quick sister," screams one nun, "Show him your cross !" So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Oi! You! F*** off!"


Whats long and thin and covered in skin? Pink in parts and u shove it in tarts?

Rhubarb

What did the irishman call his pet zebra?

Spot.

Two buckets of sick were walking through Camden,
then one starts crying. The other asks why he's crying, and he replies
"This is where I was brought up"