Roughest bird you have nailed.

[shrimperman]

Quote[/b] (Slipperduke @ Mar. 23 2006,15:18)]Without a shadow of a doubt, my most shameful night was in London about 6 years ago. A friend of mine had just been through a particularly traumatic break-up with his girlfriend and needed to be brought back into circulation.

There used to be a club on Wardour St called The Wag, and it was perfect for things like this. Lots of booze, lots of girls and just the right atmosphere to make it a rich furrow to plough, especially on a school night.

The trouble with this friend sadly, was that he was very shy at the best of times. Having just had his heart torn out and stamped on by the woman he thought he was set to marry, he was in no state to approach girls.

"Look mate," I said kindly, "leave it to me. See those two girls over there? The fit one and the fat one? Just you follow me."

Why is it always like that? A fit one and a fat one? If you're hunting for treasure there's always a monster to contend with. The plan, of course, was that I would take the larger quarry out of the equation, freeing up the fit one for my mate.  

Off I trotted, charming as you like, and very soon I was invited to sit down. I waved my mate in from the bar and we were off.

This spare girl was big. Not big as, 'you could do with laying off the chips', but big as in, she had her own gravitational pull. Small objects, lipsticks and cigarette lighters had settled into a gentle orbit around her arse. That kind of big.

But I'm a true friend, so I was utterly charming to her. For the first hour I thought my mate had cracked it. He was talking to this divine woman with confidence and style, he even made her laugh. I got another round of drinks. And another. And...well, you know how these things go.

Before the night was out, the heartbroken lad had started talking about his ex and how they were supposed to get married and have kids. The delectable target cocked her head to one side and told him that he was very sweet. Basically, it was going nowhere. Unfortunately by this point, I was very, very drunk.

I don't really remember getting the taxi, or where my friend went. One thing I do remember though, one blinding moment of clarity from much later on, was groggily looking up and spotting that sizeable beast bouncing up and down upon my loins.

Imagine, if you will, the sight of a walrus trying to climb on to an ironing board and you'd be pretty much there.

I showered so much the next morning, but I didn't stop feeling dirty until about two years later.

A great read. The story was good, the way you scripted it was superb

 

[dave cusaks nose]

Quote[/b] (Slipperduke @ Mar. 23 2006,15:18)]Without a shadow of a doubt, my most shameful night was in London about 6 years ago. A friend of mine had just been through a particularly traumatic break-up with his girlfriend and needed to be brought back into circulation.

There used to be a club on Wardour St called The Wag, and it was perfect for things like this. Lots of booze, lots of girls and just the right atmosphere to make it a rich furrow to plough, especially on a school night.

The trouble with this friend sadly, was that he was very shy at the best of times. Having just had his heart torn out and stamped on by the woman he thought he was set to marry, he was in no state to approach girls.

"Look mate," I said kindly, "leave it to me. See those two girls over there? The fit one and the fat one? Just you follow me."

Why is it always like that? A fit one and a fat one? If you're hunting for treasure there's always a monster to contend with. The plan, of course, was that I would take the larger quarry out of the equation, freeing up the fit one for my mate.  

Off I trotted, charming as you like, and very soon I was invited to sit down. I waved my mate in from the bar and we were off.

This spare girl was big. Not big as, 'you could do with laying off the chips', but big as in, she had her own gravitational pull. Small objects, lipsticks and cigarette lighters had settled into a gentle orbit around her arse. That kind of big.

But I'm a true friend, so I was utterly charming to her. For the first hour I thought my mate had cracked it. He was talking to this divine woman with confidence and style, he even made her laugh. I got another round of drinks. And another. And...well, you know how these things go.

Before the night was out, the heartbroken lad had started talking about his ex and how they were supposed to get married and have kids. The delectable target cocked her head to one side and told him that he was very sweet. Basically, it was going nowhere. Unfortunately by this point, I was very, very drunk.

I don't really remember getting the taxi, or where my friend went. One thing I do remember though, one blinding moment of clarity from much later on, was groggily looking up and spotting that sizeable beast bouncing up and down upon my loins.

Imagine, if you will, the sight of a walrus trying to climb on to an ironing board and you'd be pretty much there.

I showered so much the next morning, but I didn't stop feeling dirty until about two years later.

im standing up and clapping you in my frontroom, f%&king legend, well written, good show fella......

 

[Matt the Shrimp]

Can I nominate this for possibly the best thread ever?! This is f*cking hilarious.

Slipperduke, DtS and "One Night in Morecambe" - I salute you. F*ckin' brilliant.

Luckily for me, I've pulled so few times that on the rare occasions I've managed it, they've all been alright. At least I think so.

 

[* ORM *]

Where is Harry Barris when you need him ?

 

[Gremlin]

Quote[/b] (* ORM * @ Mar. 23 2006,22:14)]Where is Harry Barris when you need him ?

Probably in the 'flex lining up his contribution.

 

[Stats]

If Barry listed his dodgy conquests we'd have enough literature to write war and (no) peace 2

 

[Matt the Shrimp]

Quote[/b] (Slipperduke @ Mar. 23 2006,15:18)]There used to be a club on Wardour St called The Wag...

I showered so much the next morning, but I didn't stop feeling dirty until about two years later.

Ah, big blast from the past there... it was a few doors down from Wong Kei's, wasn't it?! Yes, went there once or twice as a student.

Just re-reading the story again today, top stuff slipperduke!

 

[SUFCFARAWAY]

Quote[/b] (Slipperduke @ Mar. 23 2006,15:18)]This spare girl was big. Not big as, 'you could do with laying off the chips', but big as in, she had her own gravitational pull. Small objects, lipsticks and cigarette lighters had settled into a gentle orbit around her arse. That kind of big.




Imagine, if you will, the sight of a walrus trying to climb on to an ironing board and you'd be pretty much there.

these two saying are still cracking me up today. I have to print this off and whenever i need a laugh I can read this!

 

[Slipperduke]

Well, this has been a bit like therapy for me! It was so bad, I didn't even tell anyone at the time. Usually I'm happy to share, but on that occasion.....

*shudders*

Jesus, she was big.....

 

[Napster]

I'm keeping quiet.

But for anyone who remembers Barry from Cardiff (the first time)!!!

 

[Matt the Shrimp]

Quote[/b] (Napster @ Mar. 24 2006,10:41)]I'm keeping quiet.

But for anyone who remembers Barry from Cardiff (the first time)!!!

Well, I've seen Barry at work in Reflex and it was... well... striking.

Let's just say that I had no idea that snogging had so much in common with Greco-Roman wrestling - or at least that Barris's snogging could be so... physical!

 

[Interpol Shrimper]

Quote[/b] (Slipperduke @ Mar. 24 2006,10:38)]Jesus, she was big.....

I take it there was a special offer of a free bag of flour? ? ?

For the uninitiated in chubby-chasing, work it out.........

 

[DTS]

Quote[/b] (glasgowsufc @ Mar. 24 2006,10:48)]

Quote[/b] (Slipperduke @ Mar. 24 2006,10:38)]Jesus, she was big.....

I take it there was a special offer of a free bag of flour? ? ?

For the uninitiated in chubby-chasing, work it out.........

Come on Glasgow SUFC - You mst have a story for us here

 

[Interpol Shrimper]

Quote[/b] (Dave the Shrimper @ Mar. 24 2006,11:04)]

Quote[/b] (glasgowsufc @ Mar. 24 2006,10:48)]

Quote[/b] (Slipperduke @ Mar. 24 2006,10:38)]Jesus, she was big.....

I take it there was a special offer of a free bag of flour? ? ?

For the uninitiated in chubby-chasing, work it out.........

Come on Glasgow SUFC - You mst have a story for us here  

Maybe I have already, I mean there are some "unregistered" posts on this thread

 

[DTS]

Quote[/b] (glasgowsufc @ Mar. 24 2006,11:54)]

Quote[/b] (Dave the Shrimper @ Mar. 24 2006,11:04)]

Quote[/b] (glasgowsufc @ Mar. 24 2006,10:48)]

Quote[/b] (Slipperduke @ Mar. 24 2006,10:38)]Jesus, she was big.....

I take it there was a special offer of a free bag of flour? ? ?

For the uninitiated in chubby-chasing, work it out.........

Come on Glasgow SUFC - You mst have a story for us here  

Maybe I have already, I mean there are some "unregistered" posts on this thread  

Quality Story if that was you

 

[Napster]

Quote[/b] (Matt the Shrimp @ Mar. 24 2006,10:44)]

Quote[/b] (Napster @ Mar. 24 2006,10:41)]I'm keeping quiet.

But for anyone who remembers Barry from Cardiff (the first time)!!!

Well, I've seen Barry at work in Reflex and it was... well... striking.

Let's just say that I had no idea that snogging had so much in common with Greco-Roman wrestling - or at least that Barris's snogging could be so... physical!

and looking forward to a similar scenario tomorrow night!!!

 

[Matt the Shrimp]

Quote[/b] (Napster @ Mar. 24 2006,12:52)]looking forward

Those are definitely not << les mots justes >>  for me...

 

[Spaceman Spiff]

Quote[/b] (Matt the Shrimp @ Mar. 24 2006,14:23)]

Quote[/b] (Napster @ Mar. 24 2006,12:52)]looking forward

Those are definitely not << les mots justes >>  for me...

Good lord...

This is a family forum, I'll have you know!

 

[DTS]

I would suggest this is the funniest topic I have ever read on here. I am riveted. Not enough peoples tales of woe for my liking though.

 

[Ulysses]

Years back when i was a student i got absolutely mothered with some mates. Ended up pulling this thing in a pub and took her back to mine. Anyway on the way back these guys i knew drove past in a car and started shouting out &quot;leave the wookie&quot;. Man it was so funny, finally got back and i remember my flatmate smashing my bedroom door whilst i was on the job shouting &quot;don&#39;t do it, don&#39;t do it&quot;. Dipped my rod in, didn&#39;t take long, sobered up and kicked her out using a lecturer as excuse. Think she left at 4am, flat mates were all up in the living room but didn&#39;t take her in. She was a cross between Chewbacca and Grotbags from Emu. F*cking need it lazered from my memory.

P.S - my friend did a Pat Butcher in the chip shop toliets.