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The top tips thread

Benfleet A1

Hector Of The House
Joined
Jan 19, 2007
Messages
8,970
Location
Slade Prison
In here, we post top tips that will help out our fellow shrimperzoners.


Save time in trimming your finger hair by over filling a Zippo lighter then pop outside for a quick smoke. On lighting said lighter your hand will flare up like a leaking gas pipe thus giving your now hairless fingers that just shaved feel. Repeat with opposite hand for that more equal look.
 
Outlook Express, Lotus Notes, etc, won't allow you to send the message "You are a ****".

Try to send an email with that title to your boss, they won't let you.
 
House under threat from Bush Fire?
Scared of being burnt alive?


Flee to the bathroom, fill up the bath with cold water. *IMPORTANT* Take a straw!

Put coins in your pocket to help keep you sunk to the bottom and use the strw to breath. You will stay cold BUT ALIVE while the flames burn down your house.
 
Tired of endearing yourself to fellow zoners ? Post a completely unfounded transfer rumour as a cast iron certainty, adding that you saw said individual training with the lads at Boots and Laces to get the complaints flooding in.

Confucious say man who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger.
 
Pretend you've won Formula 1 by placing your thumb over the end of the penis at the point of ejaculation
 
If you have managed to disable your left shift key, backspace key, and the a, s, d, f keys, get a new keyboard.
 
Save on laundry bills by turning your Y fronts inside out after three weeks thus extending wear time to 6 weeks. Following threw also makes a handy sack warmer.
 
Contact Lens Wearers!
Sick of crawling on the floor looking for that lost contact lens? Avoid humiliation by wearing a pair of swimming goggles at all times to catch any escapees.


Sellotape cornflakes to your car tyers. Any neighbour overhearing you leaving for work in the morning will assume you have had an expensive gravel drive laid!

They will be green with envy!


Next time you loose a single shoe or one glove then check by the side of any road; they just seem to collect there.
 
Contact Lens Wearers!
Sick of crawling on the floor looking for that lost contact lens? Avoid humiliation by wearing a pair of swimming goggles at all times to catch any escapees.


Sellotape cornflakes to your car tyers. Any neighbour overhearing you leaving for work in the morning will assume you have had an expensive gravel drive laid!

They will be green with envy!


Next time you loose a single shoe or one glove then check by the side of any road; they just seem to collect there.

good work with b3ta!



Turning one of those numbing condom inside out
allows you to have quickie without needing to wake your significant other.
 
wash your privates in the morning then you won't have to wash your hands everytime you have a wee during the day!
 
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply
changing your name to match your existing plate.
Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln.
 
Fool passers by into thinking you keep a bird of prey by walking down
the street wearing a leather gauntlet, waving a piece of raw meat in
your hand and constantly looking up into the sky.
 
To save you from having to keep buying chewing gum simply invest in a packet of Blu-Tak .. take a swig from a bottle of listerine to maintain that fresh flavour
 
want to pretend you're an australian? press ctrl + alt + down arrow
 
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