Best stories from the Armed Forces

[Benfleet A1]

Im sure that just about everyone on here knows or has known someone in the armed forces. Some of the stories I have heard have been been the most side splittingly funnest things I have ever heard. A mate of mine who I will write a book about one day tells some brillient ones. Heres my favorite.

While based in Belizse, which was technically a conflict of war, everyone was issued unaccountable rounds. Meaning if you fired your weapon you didn't have to explain why you didn't have the same amount of ammo that you went out with. Deep in the jungle lies the Bast*rd Plant. It grows to about 2ft tall with huge, lush green leaves at the base and 3ft thorns of tunstun steel at a 15 degree angle from the ground.

WHile out on single file patrol, hand signals only and senses finely tuned the silence would be broken by the anguished scream ofBAST*RD!!and the sound of several rounds being pumped into the ground because some poor soul had just had his boot pieced by a Bast*rd Plant. I still p(ss myself laughing everytime I hear that one.

What about you?

 

[Xàbia Shrimper]

Divulje Barracks, Split, Croatia

Having volunteered to drive an young subaltern from Banja Luka in Bosnia to Split in Croatia ahead of the main squadron, me and my oppo decided to take the opportunity to grab a shandy in one of the EFI bars dotted around DJ before turning in for the night. Imagine our delight when half of our squadron turned up unexpectedly a day early and we took over the rooftop QDG bar for an impromptu (but highly illegal) party. Several hours and cans later, most of us had retired to our beds, full of the joys of drinking alcohol for the first time for several weeks, even months for some. As usual, a potent mix of alcohol and squaddies tends to result in some sort of jovial, immature prank in the early hours of the morning. Someone wandered in carrying several rolls of "black-nasty" electrical tape; he was up to something and we were only to eager to be in on it. He'd noticed that the bunkbeds could quite feasible be spun 180° across its horizontal axis; our eyes lit up. Spying two of the more, let's say, geekish members of the squadron, we used our silent patrolling skills to sneak up on said lads and very quietly tape the lad on the top bunk into his maggot and onto the bunkbed. We then did the same to the lad on the lower bunk. Then, once we were satisfied that the tape would hold, we turned the bunk 180° so that victim #1 was now face-to-face with the occupant of the lower bunk and quietly slid back to our own bags. A couple of hours later we were woken by an initial bout of screaming followed by a extended period of expletive-laden threats. I have pictures; I'll dig them out.

 

[Xàbia Shrimper]

Rebro 33B, Lisina, MND (SW), Bosnia-Hercegovina

We were located in the north of the sector in the ruins of a Serb communications tower destroyed by a US tomahawk missile just a few months earlier. It was November 5th. Firework Night. Those of us who were off-duty decided to build a fire in one of the large upturned satellite parabolic dishes and covered it in a liberal amount of Benz to "get it going". As we were off-duty, we were allowed a couple of cans of beer. We bent the rules slightly by sending a runner down to the bottom of the hill where there was a petrol station from which you could buy 1½ litre empty bottles of Coca-Cola that had been filled with Bosnian "pivo" (beer hovering dangerously around the 15% ABV mark) plus a couple of water bottles of Slivovitz (AKA "slip-in-a-ditch"), all for about 2 DMs. We had a communal firework night dinner of steak and chips when one of the Serbian technicians called in and announced that he'd 'found' a box of 5.56mm tracer rounds. Excellent! We have fireworks! Darkness had fallen and we all gathered around the unlit fire in the satellite dish ready to ceremonially lit the thing. A new sig had arrived on site, a young lad we'll call Herbie, and therefore, as the new kid on the block, he was designated as chief firelighter whilst us JNCOs charged our mags with tracer rounds. However, unbeknown to most of us, a couple of lads had thrown another few cans of Benz on the wood which lay in a huge puddle at the bottom of the dish. Herbie approached the wood, plunged the lit firelighter into the base of the fire just as we opened up into the air with tracers. In a millisecond Herbie disappeared in a ball of flame and a huge explosion blew most of us to the ground. Fearing the worst, we rushed to Herbie's aid but found him 20 yards away with no eyebrows and a huge grin on his blackened face. About 20 clicks away, all hell broke loose. Someone had spotted the tracer and a huge explosion in the hills above MND (SW) HQ and sounded the alarm. All communication with us was unheard; we were all outside trying to put on the enormous fire that was threatening to spread across the site. Luckily, one of our chaps had popped inside for a slash (??) and heard the radio; he replied that it was merely ****-burning* and that no-one had seen any tracer. The QRF was stood down, we managed to get the fire under control and we replaced Herbie's non-existent eyebrows with permanent marker.

* We used to **** in make-shift toilets made out of those bogs one used to take on camping holidays. No "blue-loo" here; it was **** in black rubbish bags and then nominate some scroat to burn the contents every night. It was a fine art.

 

[Xàbia Shrimper]

Rebro 33D, Radilijici, MND (SW), Bosnia-Hercegovina

It was my first command on the tour. My unit (200 Sigs) was primarily responsible for maintaining a secure VHF radio network across the British sector with a number of rebroadcast stations on the high peaks; Radilijici was one of those peaks. There were representatives of several other units also in location, manning their own HF safety nets, including Green Howards and ghurkas from 30 Sigs. The ghurkas were the most accommodating chaps I have ever met and we barely lifted a finger as they cooked us breakfast, lunch and dinner each day. One evening, as the loc was beginning to close down for the night, one of the ghurkas was demonstrating how good he was with a rifle - he wanted to be a skill-at-arms instructor - and had mounted the rifle into the shoulder and "taken aim" at the wall. In a split second, he had cocked the weapon and squeezed the trigger; I barely had time to hit the deck. The location was made from ten or so portakabins linked together by a central corridor forming a number of four-man bunk rooms. The bullet passed through five before embedding itself in the far wall of the sixth. It passed THROUGH my mates newspaper he was reading (I **** ye not) in our bunkroom. A shot! A general alarm was called and the Green Howards launched into premature action before the ghurka sheepishly admitted that he'd "foooked ooop". Later inspection revealed a series of holes descending down the walls of each successive portakabin - he'd not even shot straight - and panic spread as we realised that we had a high-class visit the following morning. Our quick fix was to stick those self-adhesive hooks over the holes; they worked for the first two kabins but the mayor of Mrkonjic Grad did wonder why there were hooks on the walls 18" off the floor ...

 

[* ORM *]

Jeez Grout - look what you've started now !!!!!!!!!!!! :D

Only joking Mike, keep them coming and I might even recall a few from my time as a toy soldier (Cadets) and a fantastic week spent in Germany with the Gordon Highlanders, surely the nuttiest, most psychotic, funny, caring and genuine bunch of blokes I've ever met.

 

[Xàbia Shrimper]

:D

I've had a really **** day. These memories have cheered me up!

 

[Slipperduke]

Loving these, Mike!

 

[Xàbia Shrimper]

Pirbright Barracks, Surrey, UK

We were down at Pirbright for a training course; the normal dull and boring 'death by viewfoil' effort that one has to go through for promotion. One evening - the penultimate evening - we had a few beers in the mess then wandered back to our bunks. Someone noticed our OC's bright yellow mini town car thing parked up next to the lecture hall and a small lightbulb appeared above his head and grew quickly with enthusiasm. There were about a dozen of us; one of us went off to wake the others. The plan was simple. The car was small enough to get through the lecture room doors with a great deal of effort from about twenty guys and then, through a series of carefully placed trestle-tables, we were able to roll / lift the car onto the stage. The curtains were closed and the lectern placed in front. The next morning two dozen or so grown men sniggered like schoolboys in the mess hall before wandering quickly to the lecture room. Our OC's face was like thunder. He had reported the car stolen and called us NCOs together; he admitted that in the boot was a collection of rifles that, let us say, should not fall into the wrong hands! A slight feeling of guilt very briefly flashed across our minds before we all though "**** it, he's a **** anyway" and we took our places. The CO walked across the stage and starting announcing the post-course results; the curtains opened and there sat our OC's car with a small bow across its roof. The hall broke into laughter; the OC went b a l l i s t i c! But we didn't care ...

 

[Xàbia Shrimper]

Colchester Garrison, UK

We managed to get one guy twice in a matter of days. I won't name him but he was commonly known as "Lardy" due to the fact that he was bone white; this guy didn't even burn in the sun. We think it was down to the fact that he slept all the time. This was to be his undoing. It was the barracks that was used as the backdrop for the opening credits of BlackAdder Goes Forth; their name escapes me but Chadded might be able to remind me. The old favourite: moving someone's bed space. I was convinced it wouldn't work but we managed to move Lardy's entire bed space (bed, bedside table, wardrobe) into the very middle of the parade square at about 4am in the morning. How he woke up I will never know, especially as we had to negotiate a flight of stairs as the dorms were on the first floor; it used to be a cavalry barracks with the stables below. He was woken about three hours later by hysterical laughing from the SSM who could not believe that someone could still fall for it. Lardy had to move his entire bed space back ON HIS OWN before the courses started. The next night we decided to keep the antics within the dorm. Down the centre of the dorm was a row of wardrobes and we calculated that we could fit a single bed on the top. But who would be our culprit this time? Lardy was already snoring when we gently lifted his bed from the floor and, with a great deal of effort, placed it atop the wardrobes. Now this one we did feel a bit guilty about for three or four hours later, Lardy leapt out of his bed for a ****-break - only to keep going a further six or so feet beyond where he expected his feet to land on the floor. He sprained his ankle quite badly, but how we laughed. I believe he is a RQMS now - and still as white as a sheet ...

Post-script: I think it was Lardy who became a proper ****-stirrer. He fell asleep on shift during exercise in Germany and, as a punishment, he had to stir the contents of the nearest portaloo with his foot.

 

[SUFC_Al]

Pirbright Barracks, Surrey, UK

We were down at Pirbright for a training course; the normal dull and boring 'death by viewfoil' effort that one has to go through for promotion. One evening - the penultimate evening - we had a few beers in the mess then wandered back to our bunks. Someone noticed our OC's bright yellow mini town car thing parked up next to the lecture hall and a small lightbulb appeared above his head and grew quickly with enthusiasm. There were about a dozen of us; one of us went off to wake the others. The plan was simple. The car was small enough to get through the lecture room doors with a great deal of effort from about twenty guys and then, through a series of carefully placed trestle-tables, we were able to roll / lift the car onto the stage. The curtains were closed and the lectern placed in front. The next morning two dozen or so grown men sniggered like schoolboys in the mess hall before wandering quickly to the lecture room. Our OC's face was like thunder. He had reported the car stolen and called us NCOs together; he admitted that in the boot was a collection of rifles that, let us say, should not fall into the wrong hands! A slight feeling of guilt very briefly flashed across our minds before we all though "**** it, he's a **** anyway" and we took our places. The CO walked across the stage and starting announcing the post-course results; the curtains opened and there sat our OC's car with a small bow across its roof. The hall broke into laughter; the OC went b a l l i s t i c! But we didn't care ...

Pure genius! :hilarious:

Great stories!

 

[Xàbia Shrimper]

Munster, Germany

We had finished a long exercise in Germany and were billeted at Osnabruck during the long drive back to the UK. We were given a 24-hour pass and most of us headed off to nearby Munster for one or two beers. The bars were quite awful but we found a great venue just opposite the train station and based ourselves there for the afternoon. The music was great (plenty of Jam, Specials, Madness, etc.), the beer was flowing, there was even football on a small TV screen behind the bar; how good was this? One of our guys was chatting with a local lad at the bar and getting on splendidly. After several beers, nature called and our boy make his excuses (as English do) and left for the toilets. We didn't notice that the local lad had followed him in and Del came flying out of the bogs with a mix of fear and rage on his face closely followed by this local. "****ing hell," he shouted. "This geezer just made a lunge at me knob!" The place collapsed into laughter until it suddenly dawned on us: there were no women in the bar. We made our excuses and left ...

 

[chadded]

Cavalry Bks. Now about to be ripped down.


This is an embarrassing one about me.




Fifth day into my tour of Op HERRICK last year, and about to move forward from Kandahar to Lash Kar Gah, Helmand Province. This day was a dark, dark day in my 180ish on tour. Woke up in the Huge transit tent that we were dossing in, and was putting my boots on. Right first, then left. Felt something in my right. Takes it off, turns it upside down, and out jumps a mouse. Queue me, squealing like a girl. Like I say, a dark day...

Anyways, the only way into Lashkar Gah is by helo, mainly Chinooks. Me and Heli's don't really mix, but I'd taken a few pills and thought I'd be fine. Chatting to the loadies before hand, and me and my mate blagged a ramp ride, ie, sitting on the back of the ramp, purely for the action shots etc. Gets airborne, and my mate goes first. He's clearly loving it. After about half hour, it's time for me to have a go. Oh no. I aint moving. Sick bag deployed, I'm whiter than Michael Jackson, and not enjoying sitting in the back of an RAF Taxi. Soon as it lands, im outa there, only for my boss to point and laugh, and me to hear this story for the every day for the rest of the tour.

 

[chadded]

On something or other in Edinburgh I think, the unit BIFF (Bone Idle Fat ****) didnt go out on the **** with everyone else. Deservedly Tea bagged, and if rumours are to be believed, also ended up with mayo on his face...

 

[Xàbia Shrimper]

Anyways, the only way into Lashkar Gah is by helo, mainly Chinooks. Chatting to the loadies before hand, and me and my mate blagged a ramp ride, ie, sitting on the back of the ramp, purely for the action shots etc.

Oh yeah! Blagged a couple of ramp rides in Bosnia! Awesome ... shame you missed the experience! ;)

 

[chadded]

Spending 6 months carrying an Assault rifle, 300 rounds, grenades and a bayonet. Being asked for ID in Tesco two days later....

PT, the morning after the night before.. always a winner!

Shaving foam into someones hand as they sleep, covering someone top to toe in talc powder.

Cats eyes, a band with two reflective squares on, that you put on your helmet, to help your mucker see you easier at night. Worn on the helmet so the material is on the rear. When my mate did his first Parachute jump after getting his wings, the others put his on the other way round. He didnt notice until the photos were printed..

 

[Xàbia Shrimper]

Gornji Vakuf, MND (SW), Bosnia-Hercegovina

A spider wandered into our vicinity one afternoon. We had just 'confiscated' a rather sorry-looking BTR80 APC from a collection of equally sorry-looking farmers brandishing rifles and shotguns. There was a moment of tension before we realised that they were using the APC for storage of farm equipment (it was obviously 'liberated' from a ditch somewhere in the area) and we removed the illegal firearms. The autumn sun was fierce and we'd gathered on the side of the track to grab a smoke and something to eat. A big spider emerged from the undergrowth and crawled across the track before stopping just in front of us, apparently sizing us up. One of the boys got a spare cigarette and waved it in front of this "beast". Surprisingly, it reacted and clamped its jaws (or whatever they are) around the end of ciggie which then gradually turned a stale green colour as the arachnid pumped poison into the tobacco. Cue squeals of fears and leaps of indignation from the 'brave' squaddies who had moments before defused a potentially dangerous situation involving weapons. Rifles and shotguns? No problem. Medium-sized arachnid brandishing green cigarette stub? Call out the marines ... !!

 

[chadded]

Long story short, the bedspace trick

This is an achievement that should not be underestimated. Tip of the hat to you Mr. Smith. Often attempted, rarely successful.


Aussi. The classic. NAKED BAR!!!

 

[Xàbia Shrimper]

This is an achievement that should not be underestimated. Tip of the hat to you Mr. Smith. Often attempted, rarely successful.

I was convinced it would not be successful but Lardy could sleep through anything and we managed to pull it off with a great deal of team-work. (I think there must have been about 25 people involved!)

 

[chadded]

Two of us attempted it whilst at Bicester a few weeks back. We were quite proud we got him 10 feet across the room in about 5 minutes, until he woke up. :D