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Joke Twitter Accounts

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EastStandBlue

Life President
Seems to be a recurring theme that someone is setting up Twitter accounts for footballers...

The funniest one so far was Lucas Leiva's, although that was suspended after two days of fake Tweets pretending to be about Liverpool's journey to Madrid with such classics as: "Alberto's been standing up since Calais. Poor guy can't bear another 90 minutes seated", "I was too depressed about the game to laugh. Jamie noticed this- "Whats your ****in problem gayface? Upset ya messiahs ****in off to Juve?" and "All settled down. Pacheco practicing his times tables, Babel penning some lyrics, Yossi crying, Jamie called him "Gary Neville with AIDS."

Now we have one for Kyriagkos: http://twitter.com/SotoKyrgiakos

and Big Sam: http://twitter.com/TheBig_Sam
 
I have to say, Big Sam has had me in hysterics this morning...

# That email I just got is spot on - why should I accept a puny ****, why I can take some medicine and turn it into a mighty **** rocket?? 31 minutes ago via web


She finally got me to bed at 4am, but not before I'd shaved off my pubes, glued them to my upper lip and started chanting: "To me, to you!". about 4 hours ago via web

She tried to coax me down with a Wagon Wheel but I roared: "Stay clear of the Moors!", ripped off the Sky dish & tried to leap into heaven. about 4 hours ago via web

The wife came back from her Cobbling course to find me standing on the roof, dressed like Colonel Gaddafi and arguing with a pigeon. about 4 hours ago via web

Tried some of that 'Meow Meow' stuff last night. Never again.
 
@TheBig_Sam is literally the funniest thing on Twitter and worth signing up for him alone.

This evening has been great:

  • Dressed my dog, Fergie up like a magnificent, Arthurian dragon. Gonna transform myself into a noble knight and ride him about the house.
  • Fed the little furry ******* two tubes of tabasco paste in the hope he'd start breathing fire. But all he's done is **** on the stairs.
  • Fergie and I are soaring around the house like nobodies business.
  • We pretended the wife was an evil witch and slayed her to ****ing bits with my magical sword.
  • Well, I say "sword" but it's actually a snooker cue cut in half and painted to look like the American Confederate flag. I found it.
  • The wife looks at me on my trusty dragon and says: "Aw, love. Are you missing being in work?" The rage ran through me like a mighty river.
  • I ordered Fergie to destroy her but the useless hound was too busy trying to hump my new porcelain dolphin.
  • Her disrespect astounds me at time. I stormed out of the house and walked straight into a gang of street punks.
  • I forgot I was still dressed like a knight. One of the little *******s shouts: "Look who it is - Sir ****alot."
  • I didn't have my sword so I couldn't fight back. I had to go straight back into the house. I've never been so humiliated.
  • Walked into the living room and the missus is riding around on Fergie's back without a stitch of clothing on. **** this, I'm off to bed.

This level of comic genius it a daily occurance.

Anyone any idea who it is?
 
Haha BigSam is absolutely fantastic.

PhilNeville had a few gems last year - http://twitter.com/#!/Phil_Neville

Otherwise I haven't seen any good ones recently. The Viz accounts are about the only funny things on twitter really. All the comedians are generally really really dull.
 
Another vote for TheBigSam here, wonderful stuff. I'm also a big fan of DianaInHeaven - which will surely only get better in the leadup to the royal wedding and DeathStarPR
 
If Big Sam ever leaves Twitter, and some little bleeder is trying to get him kicked off it, I'll turn my back on it. He makes me laugh until I puke. The poor bloke's having a job finding anything to write about as well. Let's hope the real Allardyce gets the West Ham job, so he has some material.

Apart from that, I can only say what's been said. The Viz feeds are excellent, David Schneider can be very sharp and that's about it. Still, it's handy for work.
 
NotGaryNeville is occasionally funny... Unfortunately a lot of the funny football related ones get pulled because precious football fans can't see their club turned into a joke.
 
Some of them are just unfunny, full stop. You need more than one recurring gag to make it work. Literally Jamie might have a chance, but nothing will ever come close to Big Sam. The bit about Phil Brown thinking he was Aslan was genius.
 
Slipperduke said:
Some of them are just unfunny, full stop. You need more than one recurring gag to make it work. Literally Jamie might have a chance, but nothing will ever come close to Big Sam. The bit about Phil Brown thinking he was Aslan was genius.
Click to expand...

For me it was the week after Allardyce's sacking, waking up in the middle of the night sobbing, and when El Hadji-Diouf had to be pulled off Michel Salgado.
 
Seen a few decent ones on 'fake' Cameron Jerome's twitter.

10_CJ Cameron Jerome
Managing Barca on Football Manager. Just signed myself for £6.5m. The fans are disappointed. They haven't even given me a chance.

He sounds crushed.
 
The Big Sam is excellent.

One I've just discovered is @fabio_capello_ just reading some of his previous tweets:

Whoever said that men can't multitask hasn't seen me **** off to seven different browser tabs at the same time.

My mother might have been a sick pervert but at least I wasn't teased about being a virgin at school.

I've always had a problem with my wifes clitoris, I just can't put my finger on it...

'Loose women'? - only if you're talking about your skin, you miserable old *****.
 
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