Club to experiment with free admission ?

[Up the Shrimpers]

Crowds are on a downward spiral, the Burton crowd was 1,000 lower than last seasons Burton crowd. Opening day crowd was lower than last season (despite Tara Brady saying it was 25% up!!). It will be very hard to win back fans even if we have a good run.

Mind you we are not alone, our crowd was the 4th highest in League 2 & two of those were only a shade over 5,000. Even Bradford with their cheap season tickets could only pull in 9,500 a far cry from the 17,000 crowds they were getting when they first introduced the scheme a few seasons ago.

 

[sufc_tom]

Didn't realise it was April Fools already ;)

 

[Cricko]

Wow a huge 'whoosh' moment for some I think!

Amazed at the reaction.

 

[shallowshrimper]

The idea of fans having to pay to get out might raise a few bob especially performances like yesterdays.

 

[ooh-andy-ansah]

Ok I just got off the phone to Ronald and he said you are all really thick and have missed the point totally. Having a pee or a dump is a natural bodily function and therefore NOT subject to VAT so with immediate effect entrance to the ground will be 50p. Once inside you will be escorted to the nearest toilet where you will be required to pay £20.50 and videoed doing the deed (essential if we ever need evidence in court apparently).

Ronald is like a dog with 2 diks tonight, he couldn't stop chortling to himself and I swear he was mumbling something along the lines of "yes yes get in there, Ron 20- HMRC 0" and started singing "20% to the super mane".

 

[Clinton Baptiste]

An excellent idea methinks, will be able to ride the bluebelles for free too?

 

[ooh-andy-ansah]

An excellent idea methinks, will be able to ride the bluebelles for free too?

22nd March 2006

"VAT on condoms and other contraceptives has been reduced from 17.5 to 5% in Gordon Brown's Budget.

The move could also see the cost of over-the-counter emergency contraceptives or morning after pills fall from around £25 to £22.


It comes after 69 MPs signed an Early Day Motion in support of a campaign to cut tax on condoms and contraceptives.


Family Planning Association said anything that made them more accessible was welcome.


Earlier this month High Street chemist Superdrug said it was so confident the Chancellor would cut VAT rates it reduced the prices of its condoms.

It is believed that Southend United have also welcomed the move in anticipation of a ground breaking initiative masterminded by Ronald "The Mane" Martini expected to be unveiled in the autumn of 2011 code named "screw the tax man". If initial trials of the "pee and poo while we video you" scheme are a success, the scheme could be widened to include cheer leaders and cleaners which would see the club and it's clients benefit from the 5% VAT rate on condoms as they anticipate a larger than normal customer participation rate in these economically challenging times. The club has employed various "consultants" to conduct a feasibility study at a cost of £1.5M (referred to internally as The Freddy Cash).

 

[CC51DAS]

Update - Response from the Club

I have today received the following message. - Sounds ominous - especially the bit about Braintree

Dear CC51DAS,

I am responding to the thread you have started on Shrimperzone.

Whilst I can confirm that the management team is currently considering the commercial merits of a number of ideas to boost revenue, I wish to correct some of the points which you have made.

- Under no circumstances has the Club ever considered the idea of charging the so-called ‘pee- fee’ to minors. This would be contrary to the Club’s policy of encouraging our young fans and families to support the club. Evidently minors would be expected to be able to prove their age if challenged to avoid abuse of the system.

- Secondly, there is no intention to charge fans more to leave in the first half rather than the second or at the end, NO MATTER HOW BADLY THE TEAM PERFORMS. We are in fact experimenting with the idea that a variable ‘donation’ to the club is made at the end of each match depending upon the result - for example £25/£30 for a win, £15 for a draw and between £5 and £10 for a home defeat depending on how bad it really was. This would have the dual benefit of helping us pay the players’ win bonuses and as the donation would be non-VATable (as another contributor has rightly pointed out) would assist in restoring the Club’s cash-flow to normality – ( i.e. the situation the Club was in before it became necessary to pay taxes on gate receipts on a regular basis).

There is still much to discuss regarding these proposals but we at Southend United are committed to finding ways to sustain football at lower league level on a limited budget and if necessary we are prepared to revolutionise the industry.

I should add that the Chairman is less convinced by these ideas and being something of a traditionalist still endorses the idea that supporters should pay to attend, although he acknowledges that it is preferable to use someone else’s money for this purpose, rather than one’s own.

Whilst writing the Chairman has also asked me to point out that this Club is not in the same league as Braintree Town.

Yours

Tarra ‘The Voice of the Blues’ Bradey


You couldn't make it up, could you ?

 

[Suffolk Shrimper In Dorset]

Update - Response from the Club

I have today received the following message. - Sounds ominous - especially the bit about Braintree

Dear CC51DAS,

I am responding to the thread you have started on Shrimperzone.

Whilst I can confirm that the management team is currently considering the commercial merits of a number of ideas to boost revenue, I wish to correct some of the points which you have made.

- Under no circumstances has the Club ever considered the idea of charging the so-called ‘pee- fee’ to minors. This would be contrary to the Club’s policy of encouraging our young fans and families to support the club. Evidently minors would be expected to be able to prove their age if challenged to avoid abuse of the system.

- Secondly, there is no intention to charge fans more to leave in the first half rather than the second or at the end, NO MATTER HOW BADLY THE TEAM PERFORMS. We are in fact experimenting with the idea that a variable ‘donation’ to the club is made at the end of each match depending upon the result - for example £25/£30 for a win, £15 for a draw and between £5 and £10 for a home defeat depending on how bad it really was. This would have the dual benefit of helping us pay the players’ win bonuses and as the donation would be non-VATable (as another contributor has rightly pointed out) would assist in restoring the Club’s cash-flow to normality – ( i.e. the situation the Club was in before it became necessary to pay taxes on gate receipts on a regular basis).

There is still much to discuss regarding these proposals but we at Southend United are committed to finding ways to sustain football at lower league level on a limited budget and if necessary we are prepared to revolutionise the industry.

I should add that the Chairman is less convinced by these ideas and being something of a traditionalist still endorses the idea that supporters should pay to attend, although he acknowledges that it is preferable to use someone else’s money for this purpose, rather than one’s own.

Whilst writing the Chairman has also asked me to point out that this Club is not in the same league as Braintree Town.

Yours

Tarra ‘The Voice of the Blues’ Bradey


You couldn't make it up, could you ?

Your ruse has one major flaw Howard. It supports the idea that the Club have listened and bothered to respond. Clearly now this is a fake.:look:

 

[Cricko]

Why has Tara changed his surname? :whistling:

 

[davewebbsbrain]

Why has Tara changed his surname? :whistling:

Or his first name...

 

[CC51DAS]

My reply to Tarra,

Dear Mr Bradley,

Thank you for your message which I have to admit I was rather surprised to receive.

I should perhaps start by clarifying that my original post was not altogether serious, in common with many ‘tongue in cheek’ articles that appear on Shrimper Zone.

Nonetheless it is good to know that the Club is considering the commercial merits of the idea of letting people in for free as part of their commitment to preserving ‘lower league football’.

I fear however that this is unlikely to prove sufficient incentive for many ‘floating fans’ if the standard of football does not improve and I believe that the Club would be better advised to base its revenue stream on passing football rather than passing urine.

At present, many fans are concerned by the style of football being played which I think is also rather unfair on the senior citizens amongst the Club’s loyal following , who have some difficulty in craning their necks in order to follow the game.

Would it not be possible to try something rather radical and encourage the manager to adopt a style of football which involves keeping the ball on the ground and the players passing to each other, rather than some heavenly body? My father commented that he had not witnessed such an aerial bombardment since the Blitz and a friend remarked, rather prophetically as it transpired, that the ball at Southend spends more time in the air than the Red Arrows.

As an avid star-gazer, I can inform you that there is already enough debris in the Earth’s atmosphere to make the tracking of distant constellations difficult from a town at sea- level without our players ‘doing a Nicky Bailey’, (whose penalty by the way was still on its way to passing Neptune when I last looked).

Maybe a better solution to encouraging supporters to return would be to bring back some old crowd pleasers such as Freddy Eastwood. His presence would guarantee ‘bums on seats’ and would surely boost revenue beyond his salary demands.

Alternatively the Club could seek out a coach to assist the existing manager in understanding the principles of passing football; I believe an experienced coaching team is soon likely to be available in the Lincolnshire area.

I can appreciate that these ideas may not sit comfortably with our ‘Bobsleigh to Bentley’ Chairman, who evidently prefers to sit comfortably thesedays.

Nonetheless, I believe that these ideas provide some serious food for thought, which is more than can be said for the burgers.

Yours

CC51DAS

 

[davewebbsbrain]

My reply to Tarra,

Dear Mr Bradley,

Thank you for your message which I have to admit I was rather surprised to receive.

I should perhaps start by clarifying that my original post was not altogether serious, in common with many ‘tongue in cheek’ articles that appear on Shrimper Zone.

Nonetheless it is good to know that the Club is considering the commercial merits of the idea of letting people in for free as part of their commitment to preserving ‘lower league football’.

I fear however that this is unlikely to prove sufficient incentive for many ‘floating fans’ if the standard of football does not improve and I believe that the Club would be better advised to base its revenue stream on passing football rather than passing urine.

At present, many fans are concerned by the style of football being played which I think is also rather unfair on the senior citizens amongst the Club’s loyal following , who have some difficulty in craning their necks in order to follow the game.

Would it not be possible to try something rather radical and encourage the manager to adopt a style of football which involves keeping the ball on the ground and the players passing to each other, rather than some heavenly body? My father commented that he had not witnessed such an aerial bombardment since the Blitz and a friend remarked, rather prophetically as it transpired, that the ball at Southend spends more time in the air than the Red Arrows.

As an avid star-gazer, I can inform you that there is already enough debris in the Earth’s atmosphere to make the tracking of distant constellations difficult from a town at sea- level without our players ‘doing a Nicky Bailey’, (whose penalty by the way was still on its way to passing Neptune when I last looked).

Maybe a better solution to encouraging supporters to return would be to bring back some old crowd pleasers such as Freddy Eastwood. His presence would guarantee ‘bums on seats’ and would surely boost revenue beyond his salary demands.

Alternatively the Club could seek out a coach to assist the existing manager in understanding the principles of passing football; I believe an experienced coaching team is soon likely to be available in the Lincolnshire area.

I can appreciate that these ideas may not sit comfortably with our ‘Bobsleigh to Bentley’ Chairman, who evidently prefers to sit comfortably thesedays.

Nonetheless, I believe that these ideas provide some serious food for thought, which is more than can be said for the burgers.

Yours

CC51DAS

I was with you till the Lincolnshire connection. Lincoln are in the conference for a reason.

 

[CC51DAS]

I was with you till the Lincolnshire connection. Lincoln are in the conference for a reason.

DWB - I suspect many are with you on that one and I too (when I'm being serious) have some reservation . Anyway seems like a good idea for a new thread on a gloomy day so lets see what others think.

 

[CaptainKT]

Well it got me laughing as soon as I saw Ryanair mentioned............

Very funny :blush:

 

[CC51DAS]

Just had another reply from the Club - looks like I've been tucked up by Tarra this time - any thoughts on what I should do (preferably polite ones !)


Dear CC51DAS

My apologies for not getting back to you sooner as I wanted to discuss some of the points you raised with the management team.

I think you will agree with me that the key element to our dialogue is liquidity. This has always been an important aspect throughout my life, not only in business circles but even in my formative years - my dear mother was a great fan of the film ‘Ring of Bright Water’ (although thankfully she was less strong at spelling!).

So the opportunity to improve liquidity through the sale and subsequent disposal of liquids holds great appeal.

Now it seems to me from your correspondence that you are rather adept at taking the proverbial. So my colleagues and I have decided that it might be a good idea to invite you to become a consultant to our proposed new project and we would welcome any other thoughts you may have concerning how the club might increase cash-flow.

It would be good to discuss matters with you in person and if you feel able to fulfil this role then perhaps you would contact my secretary at the club to arrange an appointment.

I will also arrange for the manager to be present so he can discuss the style of play with you but I can tell you now that his immediate response to your suggestion that the players ‘keep the ball on the deck’ was that it would be a waste of helium.

Yours

Tarra ‘the Voice of the Blues’ Braderie

 

[Bluepen]

Well it got me laughing as soon as I saw Ryanair mentioned............

Very funny :blush:

CaptainKT.......Ryanair?