Joke Thread

[SUFCFARAWAY]

>Lesson to be Learned from One Typing the Wrong Email
>Address
>
>A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw
>out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to
>stay at the same hotel where they spent their
>honeymoon 20 years earlier.
>
>Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to
>coordinate their travel Schedules.
>
>So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on
>Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
>
>The husband checked into the hotel. There was a
>computer in his room, so he decided to send an email
>to his wife.
>
>However, he accidentally left out one letter in her
>email address, and without realizing his error, sent
>the email.
>

>
>Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just
>returned home from her husband's funeral.
>
>He was a minister who was called home to glory
>following a heart attack.
>
>The widow decided to check her email expecting
>messages from relatives and friends.
>
>After reading the first message, she screamed and
>fainted.
>
>The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother
>on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
>
> " To: My Loving Wife
>Subject: I've Arrived
>Date: October 16, 2004
>
>I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have
>computers here now and you are allowed to send emails
>to your loved ones.
>
>I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that
>everything has been prepared for your arrival
>tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
>
>Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
>
>P.S. Sure is hot down here! "

 

[SUFCFARAWAY]

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.

One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other
cowboy.

"What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mounther from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear,

'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.'"




















Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.

 

[SUFCFARAWAY]

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.
Bear says: "If I roar in the forests of North America, the entire forest
is shivering with fear."
Lion says: "And if I roar on the great plains of Africa, the entire
savannah is afraid of me."
Says the chicken: "Big deal. I only have to cough, and the entire planet
sh*ts itself."

 

[West Country Shrimper]

A bus full of Chavs were driving through Wales. As they were
approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerichgwyndobwyllantysyllyogogogoch
they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one Chav asks the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where
we are.. very slowly?"
The blonde girl leans over the counter and says,
.
.
.
.
.
"Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."

 

[RobM.]

Who invented fractions?

Henry the 8th!

 

[Bucks_blue]

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, as submitted by QANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.
*********************************************
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. No's 1, 3, and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

 

[scrounger]

David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the Horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace. Victoria admiringly watches her husband. After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop. Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horse’s neck. David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!!!! Hearing her screams, the Tesco's Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.

 

[Winkle]

A tortoise is mugged in a alley by 4 snails. The police arrive and ask the battered tortoise "what excactly happened" "I dont now the tortoise replyed, It all happened so fast"!

The man who wrote the hokey kokey song died suddenly yesterday.The undertakers had a terrible problem getting him into the coffin,they got his left leg in and thats when the trouble started!

 

[SUFCFARAWAY]

Count Dracula is on the pull in London. He spends the night drinking Bloody Marys in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks. He is heading for home, wandering around Covent Garden sometime before sunrise.

Suddenly he is hit on the back
of the head. He looks round and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll.

Mmmm, he thinks What's going on here. A few yards further on and ..

BANG.

Smacked on the back of the head again!

He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. Again he looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground.

How odd!!

A few yards further along the street and ... crash. Smacked on the back of the head again!! He whirls round as quick as he can ........... nothing.

He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there is a cocktail sausage lying on the ground.

He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing.

He walks a few yards further on when he gets a tap on the
shoulder.

With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast
as he can.

He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground
clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail
stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickle. On the ground
dying, he looks up and sees a young female.

With his dying breath he gasps, "Who Are You ? (scroll down)




























































ready for this ?

































































She replies,






































































"Buffet, The Vampire Slayer

 

[chalkwell blue]

not bad, but never the best joke ever, you need to hear more jokes fella.

 

[hexagon_sun]

Old as the hills

 

[eastwood shrimper]

not the best joke ever at all, not bad but not brilliant

 

[RobM.]

Blimey! My lad told me that in 1997!

 

[scrounger]

If I hadn't heard it before, I would have asked if you had made that up yourself!

 

[* ORM *]

A bit harsh - but I haven't posted a piccie for a week and I was getting withdrawal symptoms

 

[RobM.]

A jockey in a horse race gets struck by a leg of ham, a tin of biscuits and a bottle of port.
He was hampered!  

 

[SUFCFARAWAY]

Quote[/b] (* ORM * @ Mar. 23 2006,22:32)]

A bit harsh - but I haven't posted a piccie for a week and I was getting withdrawal symptoms

I think I am funny! so there should be at least one person in that room!

And nop I didn't make it up!

And the title was sarcasm - its the 2nd funniest joke ever!

 

[Interpol Shrimper]

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife:

"Y'know sumtink, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station.

Bell 1 rings -- we put on our jackets.

Bell 2 rings -- we slide down de pole.

Bell 3 rings -- we jump on de ingine and we is ready to go.

From now on, when I says 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.

When I says 'Bell two' you jump on de bed.

When I says 'Bell tree' we's gonna mek love all tru de night."

The next night he came home and shouted:

'Bell One' and she stripped naked.

'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed.

'Bell Tree' and they started to make love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled out Bell Four".

"What de hell is 'Bell Four'?" he asked.

She replied : "Roll out more hose man, you aint nowhere near de fire."

 

[Bluesmanager]

Paraphrased straight from the joke book, and not even remotely funny.

 

[Interpol Shrimper]

Care to do any better then?
Made me smile, I only cut & pasted it from an email so can't comment if it originated from a joke book.