Bluesmanager
I'm a Barbie Girl
Sorry, just happen to have the joke book that it originated from, that's all.
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Joke Thread
Firestorm
Pedant
I heard this again today, its old but good
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack.
"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns
around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back, "Your Holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again,
Dopey turns around and silences them, with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back and says, "Most Exalted Sir! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing,
pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
chanting......
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"......
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"......
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack.
"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns
around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back, "Your Holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again,
Dopey turns around and silences them, with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back and says, "Most Exalted Sir! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing,
pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
chanting......
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"......
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"......
ph437
Guest
Err so what. Does that mean everyone has to check whether any particular joke happens to be in your joke book before we are allowed to post it?[b said:
Just so we know, perhaps you could just list all "your" jokes here so we can make sure we dont duplicate!
I thought it was an ok joke - definitely heard worse.
ldnfatso
Red Rep King!
One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack said to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor." "Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replied. "There's a
diagnostic computer at Asda. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes
ten seconds and only costs five pounds.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor".
>
>So Jack collected a urine sample in a small jar and took it to Asda.
>He deposited five pounds, and the computer lit up and asked for the
>urine sample. He poured the sample into the slot and waited....ten
>seconds later, the computer ejected a printout:
>
>"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
>activity. It will improve in two weeks".
>
>That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
>Jack
>began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
>water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
>daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
>
>Jack hurried back to Asda, eager to check what would happen.
>
>He deposited five pounds, poured in his concoction, and waited for the
>results.
>
>The computer printed the following:
>
>1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
>
>2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
>
>3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
>
>4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
>
>5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better...........thank you for shopping at Asda.
"My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor." "Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replied. "There's a
diagnostic computer at Asda. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes
ten seconds and only costs five pounds.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor".
>
>So Jack collected a urine sample in a small jar and took it to Asda.
>He deposited five pounds, and the computer lit up and asked for the
>urine sample. He poured the sample into the slot and waited....ten
>seconds later, the computer ejected a printout:
>
>"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
>activity. It will improve in two weeks".
>
>That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
>Jack
>began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
>water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
>daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
>
>Jack hurried back to Asda, eager to check what would happen.
>
>He deposited five pounds, poured in his concoction, and waited for the
>results.
>
>The computer printed the following:
>
>1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
>
>2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
>
>3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
>
>4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
>
>5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better...........thank you for shopping at Asda.
Hazey SUFC
First XI
quality
Winkle
Manager
A smartie and a jelly baby go down to the pub for a drink one night. The jelly baby remarks to the smartie that the pub seems a bit rough and could they go somewhere else,to which the smartie replies "dont worry, I have a hard shell,if there is any trouble I will protect you" With that, in walk two lockets! They gaze around the pub, stroll up to the jelly baby and start beating the crap out of him. Having been beaten nearly to deaths door the jelly baby crawls up to the smartie and says "what happened, I thought you said you was going to protect me." The smartie stares at him and replies " you got to be joking, them f%&king lockets are menthol!
Sandbach Shrimper
Life President⭐
A man goes to the doctors. The doc checks him over, and says "sorry mate, but you have yellow 24, a nasty virus, so called as it turns your blood yellow and you only have 24 hours to live. There's nothing I can do for you - just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth." So he trudges home to his wife, and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to accompany her to bingo that evening so he can experience her idea of a night out, as he's never been there before. He gets his 1st card, and wins 4 corners and £350, and then gets any line and wins £3200. He also calls for a full house and wins a grand. The national grid comes up and he wins a further £380,000.
The bingo caller gets him on stage, and says "son - I've never seen you in here in all my life, but you won 4 corners, any line, full house & the national grid - I've never met anyone so lucky."
"Lucky??" he screamed, "lucky? I'll have you know I've got yellow 24."
"F ** k me," says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well"!
Distraught, she asks him to accompany her to bingo that evening so he can experience her idea of a night out, as he's never been there before. He gets his 1st card, and wins 4 corners and £350, and then gets any line and wins £3200. He also calls for a full house and wins a grand. The national grid comes up and he wins a further £380,000.
The bingo caller gets him on stage, and says "son - I've never seen you in here in all my life, but you won 4 corners, any line, full house & the national grid - I've never met anyone so lucky."
"Lucky??" he screamed, "lucky? I'll have you know I've got yellow 24."
"F ** k me," says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well"!
Usual_Suspect
Members
Someone's been watching their Mike Reid video
McNasty
Member
My best Mike Reid moment was his performance at the Cliffs about the time he was in Eastenders , and the front couple of rows were taken up by old people who , I think, had come to see "that nice Frank Butcher" only to be hit with his opening line of "Sorry I'm late , I've been in Southend Hospital having a mole removed from the end of my dick --- it's the last time I f*ck one of those little b*st*rds". The look on the faces of the old people was worth the entrance money alone .[b said:
Sandbach Shrimper
Life President⭐
No I just nicked it off another forum.[b said:
shrimptank
Coach
Shrimp in a Kilt
Guest
Guy manages to get one of the last tickets for Donnie. When he gets to his seat he realises that "restricted view" is a euphemism for "no bloody view at all". As kick off approaches he sees that a couple of rows in front of him an old codger has an empty seat next to him. Hoping against hope he leans forward and asks if the seat is taken. the old codger looks at him and says "It's my wifes, but she's not coming, feel free." So he climbs into it.
Out of politeness, he says "Thanks pal, why can't your wife make it?" The old codger replies:
"Me and my missus have been following the Shrimpers for over 60 years, home, away, reserves you name it we've been there. Our whole life has been devoted to following Southend. But when my wife realised that this could be the game that finally sees us go up as champions, the excitement was too much for her and she had a heart attack and died."
The guy is embarrased and moved by this, but puzzled too:
"How come one of your friends or your kids didn't take up her season ticket for this match?" he asked.
"Oh well", said the old codger......
"...they all decided to go to the funeral."
Boom boom!
Out of politeness, he says "Thanks pal, why can't your wife make it?" The old codger replies:
"Me and my missus have been following the Shrimpers for over 60 years, home, away, reserves you name it we've been there. Our whole life has been devoted to following Southend. But when my wife realised that this could be the game that finally sees us go up as champions, the excitement was too much for her and she had a heart attack and died."
The guy is embarrased and moved by this, but puzzled too:
"How come one of your friends or your kids didn't take up her season ticket for this match?" he asked.
"Oh well", said the old codger......
"...they all decided to go to the funeral."
Boom boom!
whosdully
Guest
C C Csiders
Life President
Quality.
canveyshrimper
R.I.P
Reminded me of the old one.
Q. What do you call a dog with wings?
A. Linda McCartney.
canveyshrimper
R.I.P
Or hot of the text.
Whats the connection between Arsenal & Heather Mills.?
All the money in the world isn't going to buy them a second leg.
Whats the connection between Arsenal & Heather Mills.?
All the money in the world isn't going to buy them a second leg.
ph437
Guest
Tilson and Parkinson are being interviewed on BBC Essex and are asked about their plans for their first season in The Championship.
Parkinson says "It will be a tough league but hopefully we will not be too much out of our depth, and with a bit of luck we can win a few games and finish just above the relegatation places"
Tilson says, "We will win the league get promoted to The Premeirship, win the FA Cup and qualify for Europe!
Parkins says " Get real - Don't you think you are being naively optimistic and setting your sights impossibly high?"
Tilson says" Well you F_ _ _ _ _ G started it!"
Parkinson says "It will be a tough league but hopefully we will not be too much out of our depth, and with a bit of luck we can win a few games and finish just above the relegatation places"
Tilson says, "We will win the league get promoted to The Premeirship, win the FA Cup and qualify for Europe!
Parkins says " Get real - Don't you think you are being naively optimistic and setting your sights impossibly high?"
Tilson says" Well you F_ _ _ _ _ G started it!"
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