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Men In Pants


The Camden Cad
Aug 24, 2004
North London
It is no longer safe for me to leave the house. I just can't take the risk. Don't cry for me, it's not so bad. I've got cable television, the internet, a well stocked fridge and I'm sure someone will post me a copy of Football Manager 2010. Sure, I'll miss my friends and the fresh air, but it's better than the alternative. It's better than being exposed to a London bus with a 20ft long poster of Cristiano Ronaldo in his frillies on the side of it. Gargh! My eyes!

The news that Ronaldo has replaced David Beckham as the...erm...face of Emporio Armani is a devastating blow for anyone who wants to keep hold of the contents of their stomach. I didn't mind so much when it was Beckham doing it. I don't think my fiancee will need to worry too much if I say that Becks is an extremely attractive chunk of a chap, perfectly chiselled and sculpted even when reduced to his undercrackers. We are blessed to live in more open-minded times than our predecessors and there's nothing wrong at all with a bit of aesthetic beauty, particularly when that bit of aesthetic beauty had the bright idea of bringing his equally attractive wife along with him to the photoshoot. Whatever the catty tabloids may say, Victoria is an absolute fox and I was more than happy to watch that bus go round all day long.

But Ronaldo? He's absolutely repulsive! He looks like a female hammer thrower! I really can't stress how much I want to avoid the sight of him in a tight-fitting pair of jockey shorts and I can't imagine who thought that this was a good idea. Beckham made sense. He's so much more than a footballer with a pretty face. He's a captain, a professional, a man who leads by example. He's a father, a husband, a proper man. He's someone to look up to and, yes, he looks good in his underwear. Given the choice, I would happily be him, no, I don't think my fiancee would mind too much about that either.

Take the stepovers and the goals out of the equation and who wants to be Ronaldo? He cries like a girl every time someone bumps into him. He's not a leader, he throws tantrums that upset the rest of the team. He goes down so easily that it will be a miracle if his picture stays on the side of the bus when it goes over a pothole. He's not a father figure and I can't think of many women who'd want to marry a man who clearly spends more time in the bathroom than they do. Whether you're straight, gay or bouncing merrily between the two, everyone knows that there's a massive difference between natural attractiveness and contrived, perma-tanned, muscle-bound gurning. Armani may live to regret losing Beckham

Still, let's look at the positives. At least they didn't replace him with Wayne Rooney.