Mental Health Mental Health

[RHB]

I've got some personal stuff that i'm currently working through and thought going to football last night would be a good way to "do something a bit normal".

Why is that if someone asks if your ok as they haven't seen you for a while you sometimes can't say what you truly want to say. Is it a case that you don't want to add the burden of your worries onto someone else that really just came over to say hello and to watch a game of football?

Is it a fear IF you open up and let the person know whats wrong that you'd break down in front of hundreds of people in the surrounding seats, so instead do the simple answer of, "Yeah i'm ok, how are you?"

Is it just me that also does the same to their loved ones when they ask whats wrong which then starts to push them further and further away?

I both watched and didn't watch the game last night. I just stared at it. I didn't know what the final score was (although the dissenting voices around me suggest we were well beaten) and the BBC app didn't really help when checking later (as it said Daggers won 0-4 and were 0-3 up at half time)

If nothing else mate, you've taken the opportunity to share your worries on here, which in the way of things in a step forward. I've never thought of watching Southend as being therapeutic but it does take your mind off immediate worries if we play well.

Next step is to open up to your family, maybe not all that's weighting you down but maybe instalments. You may be pleasantly surprised at their responses. Trust me, there is absolutely nothing wrong with shedding a few tears, either on your own or with loved ones, it's what the body does as tension reliever. My wife and I have been through the pain of losing two of our three children over the years and sharing your feelings and a fair bit of man crying on my part haven't hurt me.

Good luck, what ever you decide to do.

 

[londonblue]

I've got some personal stuff that i'm currently working through and thought going to football last night would be a good way to "do something a bit normal".

Why is that if someone asks if your ok as they haven't seen you for a while you sometimes can't say what you truly want to say. Is it a case that you don't want to add the burden of your worries onto someone else that really just came over to say hello and to watch a game of football?

Is it a fear IF you open up and let the person know whats wrong that you'd break down in front of hundreds of people in the surrounding seats, so instead do the simple answer of, "Yeah i'm ok, how are you?"

Is it just me that also does the same to their loved ones when they ask whats wrong which then starts to push them further and further away?

I both watched and didn't watch the game last night. I just stared at it. I didn't know what the final score was (although the dissenting voices around me suggest we were well beaten) and the BBC app didn't really help when checking later (as it said Daggers won 0-4 and were 0-3 up at half time)

Firstly, I really hope you're able to get to the bottom of your issues and get any help you need. I was always told the first step is to accept there is a problem which you clearly have, so you're already doing better than most.

However, to answer your question I actually think it might be one of two things. (I should say I've never been in your situation so these are just my thoughts.) Firstly, could it be that you think, "what's the point, they can't help anyway"? Secondly, could it be that you just don't see the point starting a conversation that could go on for longer than a football match so there's no point starting?

One thing I would say is that I suspect the answer will be different for different people.

 

[hlane17]

I've got some personal stuff that i'm currently working through and thought going to football last night would be a good way to "do something a bit normal".

Why is that if someone asks if your ok as they haven't seen you for a while you sometimes can't say what you truly want to say. Is it a case that you don't want to add the burden of your worries onto someone else that really just came over to say hello and to watch a game of football?

Is it a fear IF you open up and let the person know whats wrong that you'd break down in front of hundreds of people in the surrounding seats, so instead do the simple answer of, "Yeah i'm ok, how are you?"

Is it just me that also does the same to their loved ones when they ask whats wrong which then starts to push them further and further away?

I both watched and didn't watch the game last night. I just stared at it. I didn't know what the final score was (although the dissenting voices around me suggest we were well beaten) and the BBC app didn't really help when checking later (as it said Daggers won 0-4 and were 0-3 up at half time)

I sincerely hope you can get to the bottom of your problems and bounce back. We all wrestle with our own issues from time to time so there's no shame in that.

I don't profess to know everything, but as a student of psychology I think the following points are important for 'opening up the wounds' so to speak and hopefully set you on a positive path to address your issues.

1. Acknowledging the problem - which you appear to have achieved already. First step to solving an issue is admitting there is one there. It can sometimes be the hardest thing to do.
2. Professional help - cannot emphasise how cruical this is. Very few people can conquer their problems alone, so I would highly recommend seeking assistance from someone who can help you pick things apart and put it back together again.
3. Family and friends - I personally think there's a fine balance to be struck when people ask what's wrong. I think it would be a good idea to let them know you're not 100% and sorting it out, there's nothing wrong with that and you don't owe them the full details. Draw energy from their positive support (which I hope you would receive in return) it will make that cross a bit easier to bear.
4. Just a note on how you felt last night, it would seem that you were struggling to be present, almost mentally removing yourself from a situation. That indicates a loss of interest in something I assume you typically enjoy, which can be linked to depressive episodes. Should you seek professional help (which I hope you do) then please bring this up, it will help whoever you're talking to massively.

I hope the above points help you and best wishes from a fellow Shrimper. As always, the above is nothing but my opinion so do what you will with the above points.

 

[blueblueblue]

I've got some personal stuff that i'm currently working through and thought going to football last night would be a good way to "do something a bit normal".

Why is that if someone asks if your ok as they haven't seen you for a while you sometimes can't say what you truly want to say. Is it a case that you don't want to add the burden of your worries onto someone else that really just came over to say hello and to watch a game of football?

Is it a fear IF you open up and let the person know whats wrong that you'd break down in front of hundreds of people in the surrounding seats, so instead do the simple answer of, "Yeah i'm ok, how are you?"

Is it just me that also does the same to their loved ones when they ask whats wrong which then starts to push them further and further away?

I both watched and didn't watch the game last night. I just stared at it. I didn't know what the final score was (although the dissenting voices around me suggest we were well beaten) and the BBC app didn't really help when checking later (as it said Daggers won 0-4 and were 0-3 up at half time)

Mind - South East and Central Essex | Essex Local Offer

www.essexlocaloffer.org.uk

This is the contact details of MIND. They're based in Southend and will give you so much support.... I had a year of Counselling through them because of my PTSD.

No pressure, they will just listen.... I cried like a baby nearly every day I attended, they don't judge.

I wish you well my friend.

 

[Supershrimper]

We are going to start counselling next week, and hopefully will be in a better place in a few weeks / months time. We will then both know hopefully what we want and will be able to work through it. I guess the first initial counselling sessions may bring up individual issues which need to be worked through and I'm lead to believe that you don't have two counsellors on the go at the same time (unless that's what they say to keep the business wit them lol)

Thanks for all your words of encouragement. Just opening up and speaking out loud (even on a forum of people I don't know personally) has helped.

 

[blueblueblue]

We are going to start counselling next week, and hopefully will be in a better place in a few weeks / months time. We will then both know hopefully what we want and will be able to work through it. I guess the first initial counselling sessions may bring up individual issues which need to be worked through and I'm lead to believe that you don't have two counsellors on the go at the same time (unless that's what they say to keep the business wit them lol)

Thanks for all your words of encouragement. Just opening up and speaking out loud (even on a forum of people I don't know personally) has helped.

That's the first step, you realise you have a problem. Sometimes it's better to open up to strangers you don't know.

Good luck with it all.

 

[RHB]

We are going to start counselling next week, and hopefully will be in a better place in a few weeks / months time. We will then both know hopefully what we want and will be able to work through it. I guess the first initial counselling sessions may bring up individual issues which need to be worked through and I'm lead to believe that you don't have two counsellors on the go at the same time (unless that's what they say to keep the business wit them lol)

Thanks for all your words of encouragement. Just opening up and speaking out loud (even on a forum of people I don't know personally) has helped.

Good to hear that you are making early steps progress mate. The idea behind the same counsellor is to provide you both with continuity rather than differing counselling approaches. As you say there will be bumps in the carpet but at the end of the day just keep talking and listening to each other.

 

[Tinks]

We are going to start counselling next week, and hopefully will be in a better place in a few weeks / months time. We will then both know hopefully what we want and will be able to work through it. I guess the first initial counselling sessions may bring up individual issues which need to be worked through and I'm lead to believe that you don't have two counsellors on the go at the same time (unless that's what they say to keep the business wit them lol)

Thanks for all your words of encouragement. Just opening up and speaking out loud (even on a forum of people I don't know personally) has helped.

I certainly wish you well and remember to take it at the speed you feel comfortable with.
Please come back here and let us all know how you are getting on as I would be interested to know.

 

[Target man]

This is really great ?

Being a guy, not great at sharing stuff but counselling got me through a whole heap of stuff carried for many years. Still carrying some deep scars from covid, working through and seeing some terrible things in my professional life whilst also losing my brother and colleagues at the same time to this awful disease.

It's good to know people and help is always out there and likewise I'm always a willing listener.

Great job! ?

 

[Shrimp and two veg]

We are going to start counselling next week, and hopefully will be in a better place in a few weeks / months time. We will then both know hopefully what we want and will be able to work through it. I guess the first initial counselling sessions may bring up individual issues which need to be worked through and I'm lead to believe that you don't have two counsellors on the go at the same time (unless that's what they say to keep the business wit them lol)

Thanks for all your words of encouragement. Just opening up and speaking out loud (even on a forum of people I don't know personally) has helped.

Good luck with it all Supershrimper !

 

[blueblueblue]

Another Ex soldier who was serving with a friend of mine some years back, took his own life today. every year I always hear about 2 or 3 that have decided enough is enough. It's emotionally draining. When is this Govenment going to start helping ex soldiers

 

[hlane17]

Another Ex soldier who was serving with a friend of mine some years back, took his own life today. every year I always hear about 2 or 3 that have decided enough is enough. It's emotionally draining. When is this Govenment going to start helping ex soldiers

Awful news. Tragic that our government will send people to warzones but do nothing to rehabilitate them on their return.

 

[Tinks]

Another Ex soldier who was serving with a friend of mine some years back, took his own life today. every year I always hear about 2 or 3 that have decided enough is enough. It's emotionally draining. When is this Govenment going to start helping ex soldiers

That is so sad to read

 

[blueblueblue]

Awful news. Tragic that our government will send people to warzones but do nothing to rehabilitate them on their return.

I know of many ex servicie men who are (a friend of a friend who I served with) live on the street. You always hear about someone who has taken their life, it's a very close net community.

Selfishly, it drains me hearing about it at times.

 

[OldBlueLady]

We are going to start counselling next week, and hopefully will be in a better place in a few weeks / months time. We will then both know hopefully what we want and will be able to work through it. I guess the first initial counselling sessions may bring up individual issues which need to be worked through and I'm lead to believe that you don't have two counsellors on the go at the same time (unless that's what they say to keep the business wit them lol)

Thanks for all your words of encouragement. Just opening up and speaking out loud (even on a forum of people I don't know personally) has helped.

I hope you're doing ok, the Zone has always been a great place for people you barely know to offer support (and then, when you DO know them, to continue to do so). I'd never have got through the two or three years surrounding my divorce without my friends on here.

The whole lockdown thing has had a dramatic effect on relationships and mental health, and the best way to deal with any of it is to open up and talk about it. Fingers crossed for you.

 

[Supershrimper]

So we had our first session of counselling yesterday.

I didn't know what to expect. I had the same feeling that I used to experience before i went into any exam or interview. Clammy hands, a fair few nervouse trips to the toilet. A sense of not knowing, the fear of the blank page or the question that stumps you and you freeze and you don't know the answer.

However, was pleasantly surprised. I guess i've always had this image in my head (probably from TV and films) of you go in, lay on a couch and you talk up to the ceiling about all you issues and they all revert back to a single incident that occured in your childhood.

A few things came up for me that i didn't know had affected me as much until i was asked questions about it and how i felt. The birth of our second child was tough. Born at the beginning of April 2020 literally 2 weeks into the lockdown. He was delivered naturally but there was a slight complication at the end and whilst i was holding him I was told urgently to press / pull the red button above the bed by the midwife. Literally what felt like the cast of holby city and casulaty desended into the room within seconds (yet when we seemed to try and find a midwife earlier in the labour to ask a question couldn't find them for love nor money) My wife was whisked away to theatre after hemorrhaging about 2 pints of blood. Almost everyone dissappeared as fast as they had arrived and I was left to step over some blood whilst one or 2 stayed to clear up and was left holding my son. I had the delight of putting his nappy and clothes on but thats something my wife missed out on. I didn't know what was happening to her and i didn't feel like i could just wander around the ward looking for the midwife to ask what was happening incase my wife came back expecting to see me there with our new child but found an empty room. In the end after about an hour they came and told me everything was ok and that she would be in recovery soon. When I saw her the first thing i said was "at least your not shivering this time" (as the last time she was in recovery after having a c-section with our first child she was shivering which was the effect of the spinal block wearing off or something)

It does help talking about it, and probably something that my wife didn't know and i don't think we discussed that bit that much if at all together.

Sort of can't wait for the next week and want to have another but i know i need to process the bits we talked about within the counselling session and have some time to reflect. The best gift you can give yourself is the gift of time alone to ask your questions and to try and listen quietly for the answers.

 

[OldBlueLady]

What you describe there is a perfect example of something you probably never realised was such a major thing as at the time you were numb yourself and partially in shock. I really hope you can sort things out - if I can help at all, feel free to drop me a pm.

 

[Napster]

What really worked for me was hypnotherapy. I actually didn't think I went under but it was incredible.

 

[RHB]

What really worked for me was hypnotherapy. I actually didn't think I went under but it was incredible.

And when I click my fingers you will.........SLEEP

 

[Supershrimper]

It's almost been 7 months since my original post

We continued counselling for 8 - 10 sessions and I thought we came out stronger as a couple from it. I think we both thought that, but with as the old saying goes it takes 2 to tango.

My wife is trying to find a new version of herself. We have been together since she was 18 and I was 24 and a lot has happened in the 15 years together. We bought our house together after 6 years, married after 10 years and since then we have 2 amazing children.

My wife is conflicted with some feelings and she is trying to work through them but this leaves me in limbo. I don't know where i stand which feels selfish on my part as I can't ask my wife to rush the decisions. This is about our future and i don't want her to go with one route or another just to give me an answer. But I feel like i'm outside a doctors door waiting for test results and this affects my mood probably more than I realise.

I love my life with my kids, and my wife. I wish we had more time to spend together as a couple to allow us to connect but with 2 young children and not many people to call on to baby sit we only get a night to ourselves once maybe twice a month.

When we do have a night out or a day to ourselves it feels so good again. I wouldn't change being a husband or dad for anything in the world but after a night out or day out we have to slip back into the routine of work, house chores, DIY, looking after the kids, cooking dinner etc. Before we would be spontaneous and decide its a nice evening tonight, lets head out to the pub or lets go for a meal out somewhere.

So at the moment I have good days and not so good days. Other pressures such as work, finances, cost of living all add to the worries. I can only deal with what's in front of me and what I can affect so I have to just let the other stuff wash over me or try and pass me bye but it is tough.