Slipperduke
The Camden Cad
This Summer's Transfer Targets
Christoph Metzelder
You only had to watch the last 20 minutes of Arsenal's defeat at Stamford Bridge to appreciate how much the Gunners need a big man at the back next season, and it's not going to be Philippe Senderos. Christophe Metzelder was once considered to be among the best centre-backs in European football, but his big money move to Real Madrid hasn't worked out at all. He's huge and commanding and, to my knowledge, has never stormed around a football pitch, sobbing and lashing out at innocent water bottles. A vast improvement on Arsenal's current defensive 'leader'.
Would suit - Arsenal
Will probably go to - Newcastle
Geovanni dos Santos
Barcelona's youth academy is worth every Euro that the Catalans have invested in it. First came Lionel Messi and then, alongside the superb Bojan, came Geovanni dos Santos, a minaturised version of Ronaldinho minus the beer belly. Unfortunately, Geovanni's agent appears to believe that the youngster is already the finished article and repeated demands for a top drawer contract have infuriated the club. The sprightly playmaker is likely to scarper to anyone who can afford him, where he'll impress for two seasons before inevitably demanding a move to a bigger club like...erm...Barcelona. Foolish child.
Would suit - Arsenal
Will probably go to - Manchester City
Mario Gomez
What Newcastle could really do with this summer is Alan Shearer, circa 1995, but unless Kevin Keegan's powers extend to tearing holes in the space-time continium, he'll have to scour the conventional tranfer market. In a league filled with impish Ashleys and Jermaines, the old fashioned English centre-forward is an endangered species, but whatever the English can't do, the Germans can. In Mario Gomez, Stuttgart have developed a striker who is powerful, quick and deadly in front of goal. Player of the Year last season and scoring goals for fun in the Bundesliga, he is essentially Shearer with a German accent.
Would suit - Newcastle
Will probably go to - Real Madrid
Ricardo Quaresma
There's always room in the Premier League for another ludicrously skillful Portugeuese frontman and Liverpool are crying out for a cheeky trickster to replace the industrious plodding of Dirk Kuyt. Porto's Ricardo Quaresma would fit the bill, though his insistence on backheeling the ball over his own head, when a simple, short pass would suffice, could lead to the spontaneous touchline combustion of Rafa Benitez. Quaresma blew his last big move when he left Portugal for Barcelona, but he's older and wiser now. There's nothing he can't do with a football except, of course, kick it sensibly.
Would suit - Liverpool
Will probably go to - Real Madrid
Manuel Neuer
With Jens Lehmann and Oliver Kahn shuffling off into the sunset, you might think that Joachim Low would struggle to replace them. Not a chance. When it comes to young goalkeepers, Germany are spoiled for choice. The pick of the bunch is Manuel Neuer at Schalke whose penalty saves secured a place in the quarter-finals of the Champions League. Neuer let one through his legs at Stamford Bridge last year, but he's been far more assured in the Bundesliga. Agile and athletic, he's not afraid to hare off his line like a certain David Hasselhoff lookalike either.
Would suit - Arsenal
Will probably go to - Bayern Munich
Klass-Jan Huntelaar
As sure as night follows day, the top scorers in the Dutch Eredivsie will end up in the Premier League. Like Ruud van Nistelrooy, Robin van Persie and Dirk Kuyt before him, Klass-Jan Huntelaar is destined to ply his trade in England. Huntelaar is one of those natural goalscorers who occasionally shoots without backlift, leaving defenders wondering how on earth their net is bulging when they didn't even see his foot move. He's quick, tall and potent and after three seasons, he's ready to try his luck outside of Holland. Mind you, we said all this about Mateja Kezman.
Would suit - Man Utd
Will probably go to - Chelsea
Ezequiel Garay
Racing Santander got their hands on the bargain of the year when they snapped up Ezequiel Garay from Newell's Old Boys in Argentina. The young centre-back is tall and intelligent and has been an indomitable force in La Liga. Like Rio Ferdinand, he's more than capable with the ball at his feet and he's even been known to take set-pieces. His performances have been catching the eye of scouts from the Premier League to Serie A and he's just broken into the national side, so expect a transfer fee that will make your eyes water.
Would suit - Man Utd
Will probably go to - Real Madrid
Jefferson Farfan
Tottenham fans will remember in far too much detail just how dangerous Jefferson Farfan can be. The Peruvian winger humiliated Gilberto on his White Hart Lane debut, nicking the ball away from him and poking it past a surprised Paul Robinson, before the Brazilian had time to even whimper in protest. Farfan has been delighting PSV supporters with his scorching pace, but there are still doubts about his ability to pick out the right pass due to his annoying habit of dropping his head and sprinting the ball out of danger. That said, it never harmed Milan Baros' career.
Would suit - Tottenham
Will probably go to - Newcastle
Christoph Metzelder
You only had to watch the last 20 minutes of Arsenal's defeat at Stamford Bridge to appreciate how much the Gunners need a big man at the back next season, and it's not going to be Philippe Senderos. Christophe Metzelder was once considered to be among the best centre-backs in European football, but his big money move to Real Madrid hasn't worked out at all. He's huge and commanding and, to my knowledge, has never stormed around a football pitch, sobbing and lashing out at innocent water bottles. A vast improvement on Arsenal's current defensive 'leader'.
Would suit - Arsenal
Will probably go to - Newcastle
Geovanni dos Santos
Barcelona's youth academy is worth every Euro that the Catalans have invested in it. First came Lionel Messi and then, alongside the superb Bojan, came Geovanni dos Santos, a minaturised version of Ronaldinho minus the beer belly. Unfortunately, Geovanni's agent appears to believe that the youngster is already the finished article and repeated demands for a top drawer contract have infuriated the club. The sprightly playmaker is likely to scarper to anyone who can afford him, where he'll impress for two seasons before inevitably demanding a move to a bigger club like...erm...Barcelona. Foolish child.
Would suit - Arsenal
Will probably go to - Manchester City
Mario Gomez
What Newcastle could really do with this summer is Alan Shearer, circa 1995, but unless Kevin Keegan's powers extend to tearing holes in the space-time continium, he'll have to scour the conventional tranfer market. In a league filled with impish Ashleys and Jermaines, the old fashioned English centre-forward is an endangered species, but whatever the English can't do, the Germans can. In Mario Gomez, Stuttgart have developed a striker who is powerful, quick and deadly in front of goal. Player of the Year last season and scoring goals for fun in the Bundesliga, he is essentially Shearer with a German accent.
Would suit - Newcastle
Will probably go to - Real Madrid
Ricardo Quaresma
There's always room in the Premier League for another ludicrously skillful Portugeuese frontman and Liverpool are crying out for a cheeky trickster to replace the industrious plodding of Dirk Kuyt. Porto's Ricardo Quaresma would fit the bill, though his insistence on backheeling the ball over his own head, when a simple, short pass would suffice, could lead to the spontaneous touchline combustion of Rafa Benitez. Quaresma blew his last big move when he left Portugal for Barcelona, but he's older and wiser now. There's nothing he can't do with a football except, of course, kick it sensibly.
Would suit - Liverpool
Will probably go to - Real Madrid
Manuel Neuer
With Jens Lehmann and Oliver Kahn shuffling off into the sunset, you might think that Joachim Low would struggle to replace them. Not a chance. When it comes to young goalkeepers, Germany are spoiled for choice. The pick of the bunch is Manuel Neuer at Schalke whose penalty saves secured a place in the quarter-finals of the Champions League. Neuer let one through his legs at Stamford Bridge last year, but he's been far more assured in the Bundesliga. Agile and athletic, he's not afraid to hare off his line like a certain David Hasselhoff lookalike either.
Would suit - Arsenal
Will probably go to - Bayern Munich
Klass-Jan Huntelaar
As sure as night follows day, the top scorers in the Dutch Eredivsie will end up in the Premier League. Like Ruud van Nistelrooy, Robin van Persie and Dirk Kuyt before him, Klass-Jan Huntelaar is destined to ply his trade in England. Huntelaar is one of those natural goalscorers who occasionally shoots without backlift, leaving defenders wondering how on earth their net is bulging when they didn't even see his foot move. He's quick, tall and potent and after three seasons, he's ready to try his luck outside of Holland. Mind you, we said all this about Mateja Kezman.
Would suit - Man Utd
Will probably go to - Chelsea
Ezequiel Garay
Racing Santander got their hands on the bargain of the year when they snapped up Ezequiel Garay from Newell's Old Boys in Argentina. The young centre-back is tall and intelligent and has been an indomitable force in La Liga. Like Rio Ferdinand, he's more than capable with the ball at his feet and he's even been known to take set-pieces. His performances have been catching the eye of scouts from the Premier League to Serie A and he's just broken into the national side, so expect a transfer fee that will make your eyes water.
Would suit - Man Utd
Will probably go to - Real Madrid
Jefferson Farfan
Tottenham fans will remember in far too much detail just how dangerous Jefferson Farfan can be. The Peruvian winger humiliated Gilberto on his White Hart Lane debut, nicking the ball away from him and poking it past a surprised Paul Robinson, before the Brazilian had time to even whimper in protest. Farfan has been delighting PSV supporters with his scorching pace, but there are still doubts about his ability to pick out the right pass due to his annoying habit of dropping his head and sprinting the ball out of danger. That said, it never harmed Milan Baros' career.
Would suit - Tottenham
Will probably go to - Newcastle