Slipperduke
The Camden Cad
Transfer deadline day is one of the most exciting of the season and, with the window slamming shut right on our deadline, you're not going to miss a thing. We told Iain Macintosh to power up his Blackberry, stay tuned to the news and scour the internet for rumours. Here's how his day panned out....
0900 - Do you remember the last transfer window? London was covered in freakishly deep snow, no-one could travel anywhere, Robbie Keane was pulled down from Merseyside by huskie-dogs and Andrei Arshavin's deal went through some 24 hours after the deadline. Well, it's not going to be like that this year. The sun, freed of its unhonoured obligation to shine during August, is on full beam for once, so there's nothing to stop us this time.
0930 - I knew it! Harry Redknapp is shamelessly picking through the bones of his old Portsmouth squad. Niko Kranjcar is on his way for a cut-price fee and I very much doubt that he'll be the last arrival at White Hart Lane today...
1000 - Yep, Harry's obviously on the ball this morning. He's attempting an audacious swap deal; Martin Petrov and GBP10m in exchange for the lesser-spotted, misfiring bench-warmer that is David Bentley. Given that Spurs have been crying out for a left winger since David Ginola left and that Bentley hasn't played well since 2007, this could be the deal of the century.
1040 - It's all gone a bit quiet. Maybe the battery died on Harry's phone. Nothing, not even a hint of a deal from the big four so far. I wonder how long that will last. There's a rumour that Redknapp might be after David James, but that doesn't make any sense. Gomes will be back soon and surely Carlo Cudicini can look after things until then? Why put another big wage on the payroll?
1130 - With the exception of Danny Collins' move from Sunderland to Stoke, very little is happening in the UK. In Portugal, however, Freddy Adu has just left Benfica for Belenenses. I don't even know who they are, but I suspect that poor Freddy didn't envisage his career turning out like this.
1200 - Criminally underrated centre-back James Collins is off to Aston Villa which means the Hammers have got some money to spend. Could they be the club to end up with Marouane Chamackh when the music stops? Let's hope so because I, for one, am really bored with hearing his name all summer.
1230 - It appears that Grant Leadbitter and Carlos Edwards are leaving Sunderland to rejoin their old master Roy Keane at Ipswich. Brave men. Meanwhile, Portsmouth are going out of their way to sign anybody who looks even slightly interested in a move to the South Coast. Nicky Shorey, Hassan Yebda and Tal Ben Haim join (deep breath), Tommy Smith, Jamie O'Hara, Aruna Dindane, Michael Brown and Kevin Prince Boateng, all signed in the last seven days. That's going to be a strange dressing room. There's been so much upheaval that they're all going to have wear name badges in training.
1310 - Right, I'm off to buy my lunch. When I get back I expect Chelsea, Manchester United, Liverpool and Arsenal to switch their phones on and start getting involved in the fun. None of them look completely ready for a title challenge, so they've got no excuse.
END OF PART ONE
PART TWO
1355 - Nothing from the big boys to distract me from my Italian Club Sub, but Manchester City have popped up to emphatically deny that they will be buying David Bentley. Perhaps they're not quite as stupid as we thought.
1430 - Ok, little safety tip. Don't buy a footlong sub if you want to achieve anything afterwards. I'm stuffed silly, as full as an egg and, if this deadline day doesn't get more interesting, I'm going to need a very large coffee to get through to the end. Oooh look, there's something! Bolton are about to sign Croatia's Ivan Klasnic, a very decent striker who survived a major health scare when his kidneys gave out in 2007. His body rejected his Mum's kidney, but accepted his Dad's and, after months on the sidelines, he's as good as new.
1445 - That sun I spoke about earlier? Gone completely. We're back to the heavy downpour that has characterised Britain's worst summer ever. Well, the worst since last year's disappointment anyway. I wonder if I should ask the editor to let me be El Spanish Kakio instead?
1536 - Johnny Heitinga seems set to complete a move to Everton which means that, with Sylvain Distin already secured, David Moyes has secured two international class centre-backs for about a third of the money he got for not-quite-international class Joleon Lescott. And they say that Harry Redknapp is the best wheeler-dealer in the league?
1610 - Less than an hour to go and it's still suspiciously quiet. Is Arsene Wenger plotting a late move for Brede Hangeland? Is Sir Alex Ferguson going to shock us all with a late bid for Franck Ribery. I'll be honest with you, it doesn't look it at the moment. Nurse! Attach the coffee drip!
1623 - Ibrahimo Sonko joins Hull from Stoke. Sigh...that's not the big story we were waiting for, is it?
1643 - Aha, here's one. Spurs are apparently lining up a swap deal with Sunderland. Alan Hutton for Anton Ferdiand. I know, I can't understand it either. In the meantime, Eduardo has been banned for two European matches for diving. That's going to open up a can of worms. Elsewhere, Martin O'Neil is desperately trying to sign Richard Dunne, but the clock is ticking...
1647 - Oops, it seems that Nicky Shorey isn't going anywhere. He couldn't agree terms, but apparently it wasn't to do with money. What was it to do with? Did they offer him a rubbish car-park spot? Did he have to bring his own tea and coffee making facilities? The mind boggles...
1654 - Richard Dunne is all but done, apparently, but he's haggling over loyalty bonuses from Manchester City. He's one year away from a testimonial and he's not leaving Eastlands until they make it up to him in cold, hard cash.
1657 - Anton Ferdinand will not be signing for Tottenham, say Sunderland. So there you go. The biggest story of the day is that nothing is happening. I'll be honest with you, I'm underwhelmed.
1700 - Big Ben is bonging and you know what that means. It's all over! Harry Redknapp wins the award for the best transfer of the day by stealing Niko Kranjcar from Portsmouth for a pittance, David Moyes gets the silver for Johnny Heitinga. Doubtless there will be a few confirmations overnight as the paperwork snakes out of fax machines across the UK, maybe even a final descision from Dunne, but for now, as those chimes ring out across London, there is only a palpable sense of disappointment. Roll on January 31, 2010!
0900 - Do you remember the last transfer window? London was covered in freakishly deep snow, no-one could travel anywhere, Robbie Keane was pulled down from Merseyside by huskie-dogs and Andrei Arshavin's deal went through some 24 hours after the deadline. Well, it's not going to be like that this year. The sun, freed of its unhonoured obligation to shine during August, is on full beam for once, so there's nothing to stop us this time.
0930 - I knew it! Harry Redknapp is shamelessly picking through the bones of his old Portsmouth squad. Niko Kranjcar is on his way for a cut-price fee and I very much doubt that he'll be the last arrival at White Hart Lane today...
1000 - Yep, Harry's obviously on the ball this morning. He's attempting an audacious swap deal; Martin Petrov and GBP10m in exchange for the lesser-spotted, misfiring bench-warmer that is David Bentley. Given that Spurs have been crying out for a left winger since David Ginola left and that Bentley hasn't played well since 2007, this could be the deal of the century.
1040 - It's all gone a bit quiet. Maybe the battery died on Harry's phone. Nothing, not even a hint of a deal from the big four so far. I wonder how long that will last. There's a rumour that Redknapp might be after David James, but that doesn't make any sense. Gomes will be back soon and surely Carlo Cudicini can look after things until then? Why put another big wage on the payroll?
1130 - With the exception of Danny Collins' move from Sunderland to Stoke, very little is happening in the UK. In Portugal, however, Freddy Adu has just left Benfica for Belenenses. I don't even know who they are, but I suspect that poor Freddy didn't envisage his career turning out like this.
1200 - Criminally underrated centre-back James Collins is off to Aston Villa which means the Hammers have got some money to spend. Could they be the club to end up with Marouane Chamackh when the music stops? Let's hope so because I, for one, am really bored with hearing his name all summer.
1230 - It appears that Grant Leadbitter and Carlos Edwards are leaving Sunderland to rejoin their old master Roy Keane at Ipswich. Brave men. Meanwhile, Portsmouth are going out of their way to sign anybody who looks even slightly interested in a move to the South Coast. Nicky Shorey, Hassan Yebda and Tal Ben Haim join (deep breath), Tommy Smith, Jamie O'Hara, Aruna Dindane, Michael Brown and Kevin Prince Boateng, all signed in the last seven days. That's going to be a strange dressing room. There's been so much upheaval that they're all going to have wear name badges in training.
1310 - Right, I'm off to buy my lunch. When I get back I expect Chelsea, Manchester United, Liverpool and Arsenal to switch their phones on and start getting involved in the fun. None of them look completely ready for a title challenge, so they've got no excuse.
END OF PART ONE
PART TWO
1355 - Nothing from the big boys to distract me from my Italian Club Sub, but Manchester City have popped up to emphatically deny that they will be buying David Bentley. Perhaps they're not quite as stupid as we thought.
1430 - Ok, little safety tip. Don't buy a footlong sub if you want to achieve anything afterwards. I'm stuffed silly, as full as an egg and, if this deadline day doesn't get more interesting, I'm going to need a very large coffee to get through to the end. Oooh look, there's something! Bolton are about to sign Croatia's Ivan Klasnic, a very decent striker who survived a major health scare when his kidneys gave out in 2007. His body rejected his Mum's kidney, but accepted his Dad's and, after months on the sidelines, he's as good as new.
1445 - That sun I spoke about earlier? Gone completely. We're back to the heavy downpour that has characterised Britain's worst summer ever. Well, the worst since last year's disappointment anyway. I wonder if I should ask the editor to let me be El Spanish Kakio instead?
1536 - Johnny Heitinga seems set to complete a move to Everton which means that, with Sylvain Distin already secured, David Moyes has secured two international class centre-backs for about a third of the money he got for not-quite-international class Joleon Lescott. And they say that Harry Redknapp is the best wheeler-dealer in the league?
1610 - Less than an hour to go and it's still suspiciously quiet. Is Arsene Wenger plotting a late move for Brede Hangeland? Is Sir Alex Ferguson going to shock us all with a late bid for Franck Ribery. I'll be honest with you, it doesn't look it at the moment. Nurse! Attach the coffee drip!
1623 - Ibrahimo Sonko joins Hull from Stoke. Sigh...that's not the big story we were waiting for, is it?
1643 - Aha, here's one. Spurs are apparently lining up a swap deal with Sunderland. Alan Hutton for Anton Ferdiand. I know, I can't understand it either. In the meantime, Eduardo has been banned for two European matches for diving. That's going to open up a can of worms. Elsewhere, Martin O'Neil is desperately trying to sign Richard Dunne, but the clock is ticking...
1647 - Oops, it seems that Nicky Shorey isn't going anywhere. He couldn't agree terms, but apparently it wasn't to do with money. What was it to do with? Did they offer him a rubbish car-park spot? Did he have to bring his own tea and coffee making facilities? The mind boggles...
1654 - Richard Dunne is all but done, apparently, but he's haggling over loyalty bonuses from Manchester City. He's one year away from a testimonial and he's not leaving Eastlands until they make it up to him in cold, hard cash.
1657 - Anton Ferdinand will not be signing for Tottenham, say Sunderland. So there you go. The biggest story of the day is that nothing is happening. I'll be honest with you, I'm underwhelmed.
1700 - Big Ben is bonging and you know what that means. It's all over! Harry Redknapp wins the award for the best transfer of the day by stealing Niko Kranjcar from Portsmouth for a pittance, David Moyes gets the silver for Johnny Heitinga. Doubtless there will be a few confirmations overnight as the paperwork snakes out of fax machines across the UK, maybe even a final descision from Dunne, but for now, as those chimes ring out across London, there is only a palpable sense of disappointment. Roll on January 31, 2010!
