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DTS

The Business
Joined
Oct 25, 2003
Messages
16,173
Location
In a world of my own.
We have not had a good old lads chat for a while and I think its about time we got another going.

So my topic for today is "Who have you been dying to sleep with only to get there and be totally disapointed by there performance".

Mine happened as recently as this summer. I was given a mortgage lead by a bloke that I used to work with about this girl who worked at a well know London premiership club. She was looking to buy with her boyfriend.

Normally people will only pass you business in my line of work if they can't do it themselves or the customer is a complete nightmare.

I Spoke to the girl and she seemed nice and asked to come in as her and her boyfriend wanted to "eyeball" the person who would do the mortgage. I agreed and a date was set.

They came in a few days later. As soon as I met them I liked the look of her. I won't name her for safety reasons.  However he was a massive skinhead. A tradesman with arms like trees.

She was wearing a lovely trouser suit and a tight fitting blouse. He hardly spoke other than to grunt but I did enough in the interview to win the mortgage.

They found a place and the process started. I only dealt with her as she was office based and easy to contact.

You can guess what came next. Bit by bit she started asking me if I had a bird etc etc. Anyway - Out of the blue she said shall we go for a drink one night. It was real catch 22 as I liked her but he would butcher me if he knew. Finally after a few re-assuring emails I agreed.

We met by Borough in an old mans pub and got on great. We spoke all night. I left her at London Bridge and boarded the train home. As I got to Croydon got a text saying "Wish you had kissed me".

This started weeks of texting which started out very romantically but ended up as pure smut. Not just saying this but it was all her leading it. I was still unsure about Giant Haystacks in the background.

Finally I got the text that all men want - The "Do you want me text?" I agreed and a date was set. She was to drive down mine in Brighton for a day of passion.  I was game on.

Sunday came and she was texting me smut all her drive down from London. I was at home waiting with minty breath for her arrival.

Finally she arrived - I antipacted the best love making of my life. What I actually got was infact a lifeless body that made zero effort. I would have had more gratification watching Hollyoaks. All her texts about what she wanted to do to me were not followed through.

If I had wanted to I am sure I could have done her under the trade descriptions act. A total waste of an afternoon.

To make matters worse she text me on the way home and said "Best Sex ever".

It got even worse as about a week later she broke up with the gorilla she was dating. She no longer could afford to buy costing me personally about £700 in lost income.

I still get smutty text from her now and again but now I just deleted them. What a waste of time.  
mad.gif
 

Firestorm

Pedant
Joined
Oct 25, 2003
Messages
15,210
Location
Immersed in the accounts
[b said:
Quote[/b] (Dave the Shrimper @ Oct. 24 2006,12:57)]I still get smutty text from her now and again but now I just deleted them. What a waste of time.  
mad.gif
Would you mind forwarding them to me if you don't want them..........


Seriously why not type them on here, we will come up with replies, you choose the best and we see how it develops...
 

DTS

The Business
Joined
Oct 25, 2003
Messages
16,173
Location
In a world of my own.
[b said:
Quote[/b] (Firestorm @ Oct. 24 2006,13:02)]
[b said:
Quote[/b] (Dave the Shrimper @ Oct. 24 2006,12:57)]I still get smutty text from her now and again but now I just deleted them. What a waste of time.  
mad.gif
Would you mind forwarding them to me if you don't want them..........


Seriously why not type them on here, we will come up with replies, you choose the best and we see how it develops...
Sorry lads....

The texts are very sporadic to say the least. Normally for sake of comedy would text her again to get them going but cant really see Mrs DtS seeing the funny side somehow.

down.gif
 

Hong Kong Blue

Guest
[b said:
Quote[/b] (Dave the Shrimper @ Oct. 24 2006,13:34)]
[b said:
Quote[/b] (Firestorm @ Oct. 24 2006,13:02)]
[b said:
Quote[/b] (Dave the Shrimper @ Oct. 24 2006,12:57)]I still get smutty text from her now and again but now I just deleted them. What a waste of time.  
mad.gif
Would you mind forwarding them to me if you don't want them..........


Seriously why not type them on here, we will come up with replies, you choose the best and we see how it develops...
Sorry lads....

The texts are very sporadic to say the least. Normally for sake of comedy would text her again to get them going but cant really see Mrs DtS seeing the funny side somehow.

down.gif
Just point Mrs DtS in the direction of Shrimperzone and I'm sure she won't mind...
laugh.gif
 

Hong Kong Blue

Guest
[b said:
Quote[/b] (Dave the Shrimper @ Oct. 24 2006,12:57)]Finally I got the text that all men want - The "Do you want me text?"
ps Dave, not sure if I speak for all men (you do live in Brighton afterall), but no matter how good an author she was I'd rather the "do you want me" text....
 

shrimperman

Manager
Joined
Apr 22, 2005
Messages
1,915
Location
Rayleigh
Unfortunately the only story I have to tell along these lines is quite the contrary. This goes back to school days. I was in my final year and she was the year below. It was a classic school house party - fag butts and cider on the newly laid carpet, the parents best glassware broken and the larry lightweight with his head down the toilet disposing of last nights dinner. Best of all, desperate drunken teenage girls from the year below gagging for it.

Anyway, there was this one girl, Jo, who I knew liked me as rumours had been spreading round the school, as they do. She was an 'alright' bird - not quite your Kiera Knightly but never a 10 to 2 bird. I saw her standing there lonely sipping away at her random concoction that she'd made up from her parents spirit cabinet and so approached her. We had a really good old and chat and got on really well. As the night evolved I made a move on her and we kissed. Later that evening, as everyone departed, we sneaked off down an alleyway and started to fondle each other, as you do. Just as I was about to do the deed we were interupted by everyone from the party walking through the alley. We parted, and that was it for the night.

Since then, she managed to pick up my number and we'd text occassionally. We'd get really quite dirty with the old texting and I'd really bigged myself up to be some kind of stallion in the bed. She was loving it and I could tell she still wanted me but I had moved on and was just doing it for the laugh and to raise a bit of morale - come on we've all done it!

Slowly the texts became all less frequent and we faded out. Some years later, on a night out with the lads I was off my nut and later that evening saw her in the Brush. I approached her and we started talking again. We talked about that night and again I bigged myself up and told her of how I would ruin her in the bedroom. Then to my amazement she challenged me! In a drunken state I was thinking quids in and we sneaked off again back to her place. As soon as the front door shut we were all over each other and naked within seconds. I picked her up and carried her to the bedroom. Just as the moment arose, and I was about to stick it up her something was concerning me, too much alcohol was having an adverse effect on my particulars. So I continued to kiss her hoping I would soon get the horn. It wasn't working. She started to laugh and just like an innocent teenage I left the room, grabbed my clothes and left. I havn't spoken to her since but fortunately I havn't had the same the problem since
laugh.gif
 
Joined
Sep 27, 2004
Messages
10,113
Location
Wixams
[b said:
Quote[/b] (shrimperman @ Oct. 24 2006,14:58)]Unfortunately the only story I have to tell along these lines is quite the contrary. This goes back to school days. I was in my final year and she was the year below. It was a classic school house party - fag butts and cider on the newly laid carpet, the parents best glassware broken and the larry lightweight with his head down the toilet disposing of last nights dinner. Best of all, desperate drunken teenage girls from the year below gagging for it.

Anyway, there was this one girl, Jo, who I knew liked me as rumours had been spreading round the school, as they do. She was an 'alright' bird - not quite your Kiera Knightly but never a 10 to 2 bird. I saw her standing there lonely sipping away at her random concoction that she'd made up from her parents spirit cabinet and so approached her. We had a really good old and chat and got on really well. As the night evolved I made a move on her and we kissed. Later that evening, as everyone departed, we sneaked off down an alleyway and started to fondle each other, as you do. Just as I was about to do the deed we were interupted by everyone from the party walking through the alley. We parted, and that was it for the night.

Since then, she managed to pick up my number and we'd text occassionally. We'd get really quite dirty with the old texting and I'd really bigged myself up to be some kind of stallion in the bed. She was loving it and I could tell she still wanted me but I had moved on and was just doing it for the laugh and to raise a bit of morale - come on we've all done it!

Slowly the texts became all less frequent and we faded out. Some years later, on a night out with the lads I was off my nut and later that evening saw her in the Brush. I approached her and we started talking again. We talked about that night and again I bigged myself up and told her of how I would ruin her in the bedroom. Then to my amazement she challenged me! In a drunken state I was thinking quids in and we sneaked off again back to her place. As soon as the front door shut we were all over each other and naked within seconds. I picked her up and carried her to the bedroom. Just as the moment arose, and I was about to stick it up her something was concerning me, too much alcohol was having an adverse effect on my particulars. So I continued to kiss her hoping I would soon get the horn. It wasn't working. She started to laugh and just like an innocent teenage I left the room, grabbed my clothes and left. I havn't spoken to her since but fortunately I havn't had the same the problem since
laugh.gif
Ouch, got to hate that!
 

DTS

The Business
Joined
Oct 25, 2003
Messages
16,173
Location
In a world of my own.
[b said:
Quote[/b] (shrimperman @ Oct. 24 2006,14:58)]Unfortunately the only story I have to tell along these lines is quite the contrary. This goes back to school days. I was in my final year and she was the year below. It was a classic school house party - fag butts and cider on the newly laid carpet, the parents best glassware broken and the larry lightweight with his head down the toilet disposing of last nights dinner. Best of all, desperate drunken teenage girls from the year below gagging for it.

Anyway, there was this one girl, Jo, who I knew liked me as rumours had been spreading round the school, as they do. She was an 'alright' bird - not quite your Kiera Knightly but never a 10 to 2 bird. I saw her standing there lonely sipping away at her random concoction that she'd made up from her parents spirit cabinet and so approached her. We had a really good old and chat and got on really well. As the night evolved I made a move on her and we kissed. Later that evening, as everyone departed, we sneaked off down an alleyway and started to fondle each other, as you do. Just as I was about to do the deed we were interupted by everyone from the party walking through the alley. We parted, and that was it for the night.

Since then, she managed to pick up my number and we'd text occassionally. We'd get really quite dirty with the old texting and I'd really bigged myself up to be some kind of stallion in the bed. She was loving it and I could tell she still wanted me but I had moved on and was just doing it for the laugh and to raise a bit of morale - come on we've all done it!

Slowly the texts became all less frequent and we faded out. Some years later, on a night out with the lads I was off my nut and later that evening saw her in the Brush. I approached her and we started talking again. We talked about that night and again I bigged myself up and told her of how I would ruin her in the bedroom. Then to my amazement she challenged me! In a drunken state I was thinking quids in and we sneaked off again back to her place. As soon as the front door shut we were all over each other and naked within seconds. I picked her up and carried her to the bedroom. Just as the moment arose, and I was about to stick it up her something was concerning me, too much alcohol was having an adverse effect on my particulars. So I continued to kiss her hoping I would soon get the horn. It wasn't working. She started to laugh and just like an innocent teenage I left the room, grabbed my clothes and left. I havn't spoken to her since but fortunately I havn't had the same the problem since
laugh.gif
Classic Story....
laugh.gif
laugh.gif


I have been there myself so I share your pain. Not with Jo with the not being able to get one due to too much booze.

Love it
laugh.gif
laugh.gif
 

Davros

The Whippet
Joined
Dec 5, 2003
Messages
8,387
My story didnt get as far as sex (thankfully) but it was an ex girlfriend of mine.

I Was in the second yr of college and she was year below, and we met mainly at work, (hadnt really noticed her at college).

She was an ok girl, not the most fantastic looking, but times were tight, you know how it is, it was coming up to xmas and my bday, and we were both a bit loney so we got together.

Anyhow, we'd been going out a few weeks, and for the first week i had a throat infection so we couldnt really get up to much as i didnt wanna pass on my disease!

We were fooling around on my bed, and i un-buttoned her blouse, and my god that was the error of the season.

He breasts were so horrible and sweaty, and she had a fantastically bad case of acne going on, so much so that i couldnt really touch them and i resumed to just kissing her, but i couldnt get that image out of my mouth.

It was the next day when i saw her that she told me she thought things were going a bit fast, and that she wasnt ready for sex yet (PHHHEEWWW!!!!!!.. god forbid to think what her cod-plate was like... and i never found out!)

Anyway, we drifted apart and ended up splitting a few weeks later... but the main thing is i got a Bday and Xmas pressie!
laugh.gif


The main downside was that at my 18th Bday party (which my bird couldnt come to) a really nice girl in my year made a pass at me but i resisted cos i dont cheat... and i can tell you now that she would not have had dodgy tits and she was 5 times better looking!
sad.gif


Thems the breaks hey!
 

DTS

The Business
Joined
Oct 25, 2003
Messages
16,173
Location
In a world of my own.
[b said:
Quote[/b] (dave @ Oct. 27 2006,23:07)]My story didnt get as far as sex (thankfully) but it was an ex girlfriend of mine.

I Was in the second yr of college and she was year below, and we met mainly at work, (hadnt really noticed her at college).

She was an ok girl, not the most fantastic looking, but times were tight, you know how it is, it was coming up to xmas and my bday, and we were both a bit loney so we got together.

Anyhow, we'd been going out a few weeks, and for the first week i had a throat infection so we couldnt really get up to much as i didnt wanna pass on my disease!

We were fooling around on my bed, and i un-buttoned her blouse, and my god that was the error of the season.

He breasts were so horrible and sweaty, and she had a fantastically bad case of acne going on, so much so that i couldnt really touch them and i resumed to just kissing her, but i couldnt get that image out of my mouth.

It was the next day when i saw her that she told me she thought things were going a bit fast, and that she wasnt ready for sex yet (PHHHEEWWW!!!!!!.. god forbid to think what her cod-plate was like... and i never found out!)

Anyway, we drifted apart and ended up splitting a few weeks later... but the main thing is i got a Bday and  Xmas pressie!  
laugh.gif


The main downside was that at my 18th Bday party (which my bird couldnt come to) a really nice girl in my year made a pass at me but i resisted cos i dont cheat... and i can tell you now that she would not have had dodgy tits and she was 5 times better looking!  
sad.gif


Thems the breaks hey!
Dave - Top story ....Very funny....
laugh.gif
laugh.gif
 
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